MCMAHON TO THE WORLD: 'FORGET TO HATE'

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon sports a T-shirt bearing the
name of his new nonprofit endeavor, "Forget to Hate."

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

If the first four weeks of the NFFA season are any indication, the league's tenth season is going to be its most acrimonious. And that's saying a lot for a league whose history includes murder, sex slavery, castration, boot bombs, arson and thousands of gallons of Haterade. But this season, they may have to start ordering Haterade by the tanker truck.

In the midst of all this hatemongering, one man has said, "Enough is enough!" Inspired by something he was told about 12th Avenue Bakers owner and man about town QCurl Sharif, East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon has launched a new nonprofit organization called "Forget To Hate."

McMahon announced the formation of the new organization Wednesday at his weekly media circus now being held at Eastside Fish, which claims to serve the "crunkest fish in town."

"Don't get me wrong, the NFFA has always been filled with hate — just ask my boss Buddy Ryan," McMahon said. "But when I heard recently that DTA [Cambridge Animals boss Dave the Animal] was debating whether to focus on his own team's success or put all his energies into seeing that the Bakers lose, and was even contemplating loaning his best players to whomever the Bakers are playing each week, I realized the league's level of hate has taken a quantum leap."

The Bakers and their mercurial owner Sharif are in the middle of a lot of the acrimony. One league insider says it's because of the monkeys, which he insists has brought the league nothing but bad luck. And it is true Sharif introduced monkeys to the league's menagerie of characters — who could forget the late Mr. TD and the late Furious George.

But the Bakers, who face McMahon's team this week, also are in the thick of the turf wars on the West side of Nashvegas involving the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, the Corsairs (formerly the Midtown Mojo) and now The Village Green. There have been whispers up and down the stretch of 12th Avenue South known as Avenue Q that Sharif is planning to expand his territory all the way to West End Avenue, now that the Corsairs are based offshore.

Before making their move, the Corsairs ceded the 24 blocks encompassing Hillsboro Village to Goody Goodridge, which puts The Village Green right in the crossfire between the Bakers and Bubbas — a love-hate relationship, but mostly hate, which dates to the league's origins.

McMahon said he was at Club Gitmo last week when a person close to the West Nashville organization said Sharif drinks more Haterade than anyone in the league, but because of all the other substances he consumes, "QCurl forgets to hate."

"I thought what a far-out guy QCurl is that he would forget to hate," McMahon said. "He's an inspiration to us all."

The coach said the Forget To Hate organization will try to reduce gang violence in the East Nasty, as well as provide support for victims of memory loss caused by substance abuse.

In other Black Dogs news, McMahon said despite suffering a loss to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, the game's Bobberhead chew toy promotion was a "smashing success." Doggie chew toys in the shape of Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber's head were given to the first 10,000 fans who showed up with their dog.

McMahon said while it wasn't as exciting as seeing dogs chomp down on actual Sea Hogs fans, as happened a few years ago at the Dawg House stadium in East Nashville, the dogs seemed to really enjoy sinking their fangs into the replica of Obobber's head. "If the amount of dog slobber was any indication, the promotion was a big hit," he said.

As is his custom, McMahon closed his media conference with a Latin phrase, this time giving a nod to his new nonprofit, saying, "Memor ut alieno odio."

BIGGS’ GHOST REMAINS SIDELINED FOR PLAYOFFS Rebuffed by 'Bubbas, ex-coach turns to predictions and tell-all books

The ghost of Boyd X. Biggs was recently photographed hanging out
at The Cherry Bomb Cafe with hidden infrared cameras.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

FSN has learned that the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs reached out to the Beelzebubbas organization on Thursday morning, requesting that he be allowed to resume his former coaching duties. Team sources, however, said that Charles Woodson would remain as interim head coach “for the foreseeable future.”

Biggs’ ghost apparently sent his proposal via text message to Jorgé Linardo, the team’s CEO Emeritus and Biggs’ mentor. According to a source who had seen the message, Biggs said that, while he was enjoying life on the other side, it “lacked the excitement” of the NFFA. “There’s no violence,” complained Biggs, “and all the stuff that QCurl [Sharif] told me about 70 virgins was bullsh*t. Turns out there were some 70-year-OLD virgins. Which would have been OK if they’d been nuns, but they weren’t.”

Describing himself as a “restless spirit,” Biggs wrote that he’d like to return to the sidelines for the Bubbas’ playoff run.

“Dr. Linardo and I don’t think this is a good idea,” said Bubbas’ Community Outreach Coordinator Anton Chigur. “The team got hot when Biggs died, and we don’t want to mess with the fragile chemistry. (Messing with chemistry is for the Animals.) Dr. L is trying to work something out where maybe Biggs can inhabit the body of Mo Money — I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t been in there before — and coach the Sea Hogs.” Otherwise, said Chigur, Biggs would continue in his role as “freelance volunteer scout” for the team.

In an exclusive interview with FSN, the first since his demise, Biggs described himself as disappointed by the news, but said that “death goes on” and that he would stay involved in other pursuits. He said he’s working on a new book, Who’s Gay in Paradise, and is devoting some of his spare time to “helping OJ find the real killer.” He also promised to “blow the lid off this whole Bermuda Triangle thing,” but is waiting “until the price is right” to sell the story to media organizations.

Still, said Biggs, he hasn’t adjusted to his new lifestyle. “There are advantages and disadvantages to no longer needing physical sustenance,” he philosophized. “Right now I’d give my left nut for a Touchdown Taser™.”

Asked specifically to comment on Dave the Animal’s claim that God was bringing about the end of the world in retribution for the Bakers’ playoff-clinching victory over his team, Biggs said the information appeared to be false. Instead, he confirmed the accuracy of the Mayan long-count calendar, which predicts the world will end in December 2012. “I was talking the other day to Quetzlcoatl, who had been to a barbecue with some of the Mayan pantheon, so I have this on good authority,” Biggs explained. “In 2012, the Animals will finish the regular season 14-0 and breeze through the first round of the playoffs. Then, before they can close out the championship, the world blows up like some giant meth lab. Quetz says that would be some funky karma, if ,of course there were such a thing as karma.”

BIGGS’ DEATH CONFIRMED Business as usual at Beelzebubbas HQ; police investigating Bakers

Boyd X. Biggs, ? - 2009. (AWP FILE PHOTO)


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — The Beelzebubbas organization seemed remarkably unaffected and even upbeat this morning following the explosion and fire at the Jo-Jo-A-Go-Go that apparently killed team owner Boyd X. Biggs.

Police confirmed late Sunday that one body, identified as Biggs, was found in the smoldering ruin of the Midtown nightspot, which is owned by NFFA founder Jorgé Linardo. The identification was based on dental records. Nashvegas police forensics experts said the body, like Biggs, had no natural teeth but a full set of permanent dentures.

At a brief news conference Monday, Beelzebubbas’ Director of Community Relations Anton Chigur said that Biggs had gone to the Jo-Jo-A-Go-Go to demand that the Midtown Mojo stop treating the club as their own, and that they reimburse Dr. Linardo for damage caused by their fans after the Mojo’s first victory of the season two weeks ago.

Chigur also dropped a bombshell on the assembled media. Biggs, he said, had been fired as team coach early Friday afternoon. An announcement had been planned for Saturday, but was postponed after Biggs’ death.

How, one reporter asked, could Biggs have been fired, since he was also owner of the team? Who fired him? “I can’t say,” Chigur replied. “All I know is that he was fired on Friday. That is,” he added with his mouth slightly upturned, “before he apparently got fired the second time.”

No replacement for Biggs has been named. Injured running back Leon Washington handled the coaching duties for Sunday’s game.

Chigur announced that both the team’s offices and Club Gitmo, its unofficial headquarters, would remain open as usual for business. He also said that no memorial service for Biggs had been planned at this point, “although I understand there will be a celebration at the Cherry Bomb Café” — an apparent reference to allegations by the Mojo that the 12th Avenue Bakers were behind the nightclub bombing.

Among Bubbas’ fans, there appeared to be no mourning either. Before Sunday’s game at Colt 45 Field at Colt 45 Stadium, the PA announcer’s request for fans to observe a moment of silence in Biggs’ honor was met by a resounding chorus of boos.

“That’s how he would have wanted it,” said 'Bubbas’ Offensive Coordinator Li’l Wayne. “He didn’t get to where he got by respecting people just because they wuz dead. He believed that when someone died, it just created opportunities, and Biggs believed in creating lots of opportunities, if you know what I’m saying. So, actually, the fans were showing their respect for Biggy by booing that moment of silence bull[expletive].”

Detectives are investigating the possible role of the Bakers in the bombing, said a spokesperson for the Nashvegas police department. A number of people in the team's organization are persons of interest in the investigation, including owner QCurl Sharif and head coach Snoop Dogg.

RYAN CALLS SHARIF A 'GRAVE ROBBER'

QCurl Sharif: World leader or grave robber? Buddy Ryan (inset) thinks the latter.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Maybe East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan got up on the wrong side of the bed. Or maybe he was hungover. Whatever the reason, at his weekly press breakfast yesterday morning, Ryan went nuclear on QCurl Sharif and his 12th Avenue Bakers team.

"Am I the only [expletive] person who remembers that the so-called QCurl Sharif, media darling and would-[expletive]-be world leader, used to be G.Q. Denney, a worthless drug addict, mad scientist, and presumed grave robber," Ryan asked the blurry-eyed members of the media gathered at the East Nashville Shoney's across from the Dog House. "G.Q. robbed mother[expletive] graves! Are you following me here, people?" It has long been rumored that Sharif has a zombie corral in Howenwald, Tenn., where he reanimates the dead — usually deceased celebrities.

"And his teams used to set the [expletive] standard for futility in this league," Ryan continued. "He couldn't buy a [expletive] win, and believe me, he tried."

When asked why he going off on Sharif at this particular time, Ryan said, "If I had to give you all the reasons QCurl Sharif makes me puke, this press breakfast would run into the dinner hour."

When one member of the media asked if Ryan was just trying to get inside Sharif's head in advance of this weekend's game with the Bakers, he shuddered visibly at the thought, then said, "Jesus [expletive] Christ, now that would truly be a scary, [expletive] place to be."

For the remainder of the press event, the Black Dogs exec repeatedly referred to Sharif as "G.Q.," as if he might conjure up the losing spirit of the old Q.

Following the breakfast, this reporter was reminded that the bad blood between Ryan and Sharif dated back to the night of the Black Dogs first championship in 2005, when both men were arrested for streaking down Woodland Street. The GM claimed to have been drugged.

When asked for comment regarding Ryan's remarks, Bakers media maven Faith Popcorn said, "We're not concerned with the ravings of a convicted pedophile."

It should be noted that Ryan was not actually convicted of pedophilia, only arrested as a suspect.

NFFA NOTES & NOTABLES Mojo D on ‘protective watch’ despite magazine’s rosy predictions

Methlon's NFFA Preview picks the 12th Avenue Bakers to win it all.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Methlon's 2009 NFFA Preview — the first team-by-team look at the Nashvegas Fantasy Football League — hit the stands Friday just in time for week five of the season.

Publishers of the slick, 188-page magazine, produced by the Cambridge-based M.I.T. Enterprises, acknowledged that “distribution problems” caused the inaugural edition of the magazine to be later than expected. “We have a great distribution system,” said Daniel David, Chief Operating Officer. “But we had some heavier than anticipated orders for other products we distribute.

“Like the Animal jokes, it was a snamu — situation normal, all methed up. But we’ll get this fixed.”

Methlon’s NFFA Preview predicts that the Midtown Mojo will meet the 12th Avenue Bakers in the league’s championship game, with QCurl Sharif’s franchise capturing its first NFFA crown. The magazine also projected that the Alamo Scouts would defeat the Atlanta Smack Daddies for third place.

MOJO D PLACED ON 'PROTECTIVE WATCH'

With the Mojo mired in an 0-4 season-starting slump, outgoing Commissioner William D. Money has ordered that team owner Mojo D be placed on what Money called a “preemptive" suicide watch.

"We care about the safety of all our team owners — or at least nearly all,” said Money who is to step down on October 31. The Mojo’s team plane, which Mojo D admits using to “dump players from the roster,” has been grounded by Money until October 18.

The commissioner expressed particular concern because the Mojo’s opponent this weekend, the Alamo Scouts, had set a lineup and appear to be making an effort to win. “It looks challenging for the Mojo,” Money said. “I guess the good news is that one of these two teams is going to get its first win, like it or not.”

GINN MISSING, ON UNABLE TO PERFORM LIST

Beelzebubbas’ WR/KR Ted Ginn Jr. has not been seen at team practices since Tuesday, when he showed up for a reunion party held for members of the undefeated 2008 Black Dogs’ squad, to mark the end of the 'Bubbas’ bid for a perfect season, the last team without a loss. Two witnesses told this reporter they last saw Ginn on an elevator going down at the Bubbas’ Club Gitmo complex.

Team spokesman Chuck Barris said he did not know Ginn’s whereabouts and denied suggestions that team founder Jorgé Linardo was angered by Ginn’s attendance at a party celebrating his own team’s defeat. “I think it was bad form,” said Barris, “but we all have to deal with disappointment in our own way.” Ginn was placed on the team’s Unable to Perform list on Friday morning, but Barris declined to elaborate. Barris also denied rumors that quarterback Eli Manning had been waterboarded to distract him from the pain of his plantar fasciatis and help him get ready to start on Sunday.

SHARIF ADDRESSES GENERAL ASSEMBLY Reclusive Owner Hails Baker Nation as ‘New World Power’

QCurl Sharif called for a "world party" at the UN last week.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya,
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

NEW YORK — Following long-winded speeches by Libya’s Muammar Qaddafi and Iran’s Mohammad Ahmedinejad, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif made history last Thursday as the first NFFA owner to address the United Nations General Assembly in New York.

“We speak for all the downtrodden who are tired of being treated as Third World entities,” said Sharif, who sported a black T-shirt inscribed “Shiva Is My Co-Pilot” under his black blazer. “A new world football power has risen in the Baker Nation, and we demand our rightful place at this council.”

Many of the delegates who had walked out earlier during the speech of the Iranian leader returned to the great hall when they heard cheers erupting for Sharif, who announced it was “time for a world party,” said that attempts to eradicate production of coca leaves were part of a conspiracy by the Trilateral Commission, and declared that he and TV host Glenn Beck were “gonna make it snow all up in here.”

Sharif’s address apparently had been arranged by President Barack Obama, who presided over the General Assembly on Thursday. White House spokespersons said they knew nothing in advance of the speech, but Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn explained that the address had been arranged by Obama when he and his wife attended the Bakers’ draft party in Nashville on August 31. “It’s not surprising that the president doesn’t remember what went on that night,” Popcorn added, declining to elaborate further, “but I can promise you it happened. Let’s just say he hasn’t quite given up smoking.”

After his address, Sharif was unavailable for comment but was seen leaving with Amy Winehouse and Qaddafi, and overheard saying, “Let’s hit your party tent.”