MCMAHON TO THE WORLD: 'FORGET TO HATE'

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon sports a T-shirt bearing the
name of his new nonprofit endeavor, "Forget to Hate."

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

If the first four weeks of the NFFA season are any indication, the league's tenth season is going to be its most acrimonious. And that's saying a lot for a league whose history includes murder, sex slavery, castration, boot bombs, arson and thousands of gallons of Haterade. But this season, they may have to start ordering Haterade by the tanker truck.

In the midst of all this hatemongering, one man has said, "Enough is enough!" Inspired by something he was told about 12th Avenue Bakers owner and man about town QCurl Sharif, East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon has launched a new nonprofit organization called "Forget To Hate."

McMahon announced the formation of the new organization Wednesday at his weekly media circus now being held at Eastside Fish, which claims to serve the "crunkest fish in town."

"Don't get me wrong, the NFFA has always been filled with hate — just ask my boss Buddy Ryan," McMahon said. "But when I heard recently that DTA [Cambridge Animals boss Dave the Animal] was debating whether to focus on his own team's success or put all his energies into seeing that the Bakers lose, and was even contemplating loaning his best players to whomever the Bakers are playing each week, I realized the league's level of hate has taken a quantum leap."

The Bakers and their mercurial owner Sharif are in the middle of a lot of the acrimony. One league insider says it's because of the monkeys, which he insists has brought the league nothing but bad luck. And it is true Sharif introduced monkeys to the league's menagerie of characters — who could forget the late Mr. TD and the late Furious George.

But the Bakers, who face McMahon's team this week, also are in the thick of the turf wars on the West side of Nashvegas involving the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, the Corsairs (formerly the Midtown Mojo) and now The Village Green. There have been whispers up and down the stretch of 12th Avenue South known as Avenue Q that Sharif is planning to expand his territory all the way to West End Avenue, now that the Corsairs are based offshore.

Before making their move, the Corsairs ceded the 24 blocks encompassing Hillsboro Village to Goody Goodridge, which puts The Village Green right in the crossfire between the Bakers and Bubbas — a love-hate relationship, but mostly hate, which dates to the league's origins.

McMahon said he was at Club Gitmo last week when a person close to the West Nashville organization said Sharif drinks more Haterade than anyone in the league, but because of all the other substances he consumes, "QCurl forgets to hate."

"I thought what a far-out guy QCurl is that he would forget to hate," McMahon said. "He's an inspiration to us all."

The coach said the Forget To Hate organization will try to reduce gang violence in the East Nasty, as well as provide support for victims of memory loss caused by substance abuse.

In other Black Dogs news, McMahon said despite suffering a loss to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, the game's Bobberhead chew toy promotion was a "smashing success." Doggie chew toys in the shape of Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber's head were given to the first 10,000 fans who showed up with their dog.

McMahon said while it wasn't as exciting as seeing dogs chomp down on actual Sea Hogs fans, as happened a few years ago at the Dawg House stadium in East Nashville, the dogs seemed to really enjoy sinking their fangs into the replica of Obobber's head. "If the amount of dog slobber was any indication, the promotion was a big hit," he said.

As is his custom, McMahon closed his media conference with a Latin phrase, this time giving a nod to his new nonprofit, saying, "Memor ut alieno odio."

BIGGS’ GHOST REMAINS SIDELINED FOR PLAYOFFS Rebuffed by 'Bubbas, ex-coach turns to predictions and tell-all books

The ghost of Boyd X. Biggs was recently photographed hanging out
at The Cherry Bomb Cafe with hidden infrared cameras.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

FSN has learned that the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs reached out to the Beelzebubbas organization on Thursday morning, requesting that he be allowed to resume his former coaching duties. Team sources, however, said that Charles Woodson would remain as interim head coach “for the foreseeable future.”

Biggs’ ghost apparently sent his proposal via text message to Jorgé Linardo, the team’s CEO Emeritus and Biggs’ mentor. According to a source who had seen the message, Biggs said that, while he was enjoying life on the other side, it “lacked the excitement” of the NFFA. “There’s no violence,” complained Biggs, “and all the stuff that QCurl [Sharif] told me about 70 virgins was bullsh*t. Turns out there were some 70-year-OLD virgins. Which would have been OK if they’d been nuns, but they weren’t.”

Describing himself as a “restless spirit,” Biggs wrote that he’d like to return to the sidelines for the Bubbas’ playoff run.

“Dr. Linardo and I don’t think this is a good idea,” said Bubbas’ Community Outreach Coordinator Anton Chigur. “The team got hot when Biggs died, and we don’t want to mess with the fragile chemistry. (Messing with chemistry is for the Animals.) Dr. L is trying to work something out where maybe Biggs can inhabit the body of Mo Money — I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t been in there before — and coach the Sea Hogs.” Otherwise, said Chigur, Biggs would continue in his role as “freelance volunteer scout” for the team.

In an exclusive interview with FSN, the first since his demise, Biggs described himself as disappointed by the news, but said that “death goes on” and that he would stay involved in other pursuits. He said he’s working on a new book, Who’s Gay in Paradise, and is devoting some of his spare time to “helping OJ find the real killer.” He also promised to “blow the lid off this whole Bermuda Triangle thing,” but is waiting “until the price is right” to sell the story to media organizations.

Still, said Biggs, he hasn’t adjusted to his new lifestyle. “There are advantages and disadvantages to no longer needing physical sustenance,” he philosophized. “Right now I’d give my left nut for a Touchdown Taser™.”

Asked specifically to comment on Dave the Animal’s claim that God was bringing about the end of the world in retribution for the Bakers’ playoff-clinching victory over his team, Biggs said the information appeared to be false. Instead, he confirmed the accuracy of the Mayan long-count calendar, which predicts the world will end in December 2012. “I was talking the other day to Quetzlcoatl, who had been to a barbecue with some of the Mayan pantheon, so I have this on good authority,” Biggs explained. “In 2012, the Animals will finish the regular season 14-0 and breeze through the first round of the playoffs. Then, before they can close out the championship, the world blows up like some giant meth lab. Quetz says that would be some funky karma, if ,of course there were such a thing as karma.”

ANIMALS TEST-LAUNCH Q-2 League warned of ‘awesome awesomeness’; panic ensues in NashVegas

Copy of the Animals lineup card showing two starting quarterbacks.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — In a development that threatens to shake the NFFA to its core, the Cambridge Animals have apparently made good on the promise of owner Dave the Animal to initiate his new two-quarterback, “Q-2” lineup for week six.

Early Tuesday, the NFFA commissioner’s office received from the Animals front office a routine email that is automatically generated whenever a team submits or changes its lineup. League personnel quickly noted something unique about this particular email: It listed two quarterbacks, Jay Cutler and Matt Shaub, in the starting lineup. NFFA rules permit only one quarterback in the lineup, and proprietary software blocks users from inserting another quarterback as a utility player.

“[The email] raised a red flag right away,” said one low-level NFFA staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The Animals never submit a lineup until Sunday morning — if then. That’s what made us take a closer look, and then we noticed the two quarterbacks.”

Because quarterbacks typically are the highest scoring players in a team’s lineup each week, the ability to add a second quarterback would provide an enormous advantage.

According to a time-stamp on the e-mail, within minutes of its arrival at the NFFA Tower, FSN received a statement from the Animals’ organization. It read in part: “This morning, we have successfully test-launched our revolutionary new Q-2 System that will guarantee a championship for the Animals in 2009. We will go live with the full system on Sunday morning, resulting in nuclear annihilation of the Beelzebubbas. There is nothing that the pathetic worms of the NFFA can do except stand in awe of The Animals’ awesome awesomeness.”

The news of the apparently successful test-launch was greeted with a mix of fear, loathing and skepticism around the league. Oddsmakers at the sports books in the Cherry Bomb Café and Club Gitmo refused to accept bets on the Animals-Bubbas game. In 12 South, panic-stricken crowds took to the streets, where many Baker Nation fans were seen weeping openly as others began praying to Shiva.

Black Dogs’ GM Buddy Ryan turned ashen-faced, then purple with rage, after hearing the news from a reporter, and could be heard over a phone line shouting, “Somebody look up the number for the [expletive] Geek Squad in the phone book and get the mother[expletive]s over here to check this [expletive] [expletive] out!”

Reached by phone in his secure bunker, Commissioner William D. Money said, “I am shocked. I didn’t even know we used software. My assistants told me we were using some guys in India who compiled all the data for $2 an hour to help us keep costs down for the owners.”

At the Beelzebubbas’ offices, coach Boyd X. Biggs sounded more doubtful. “Smells like a bunch of bull-mess to me,” Biggs said. “You meth-heads must be consuming so much of the Animals’ product that you’d believe anything.”

Media reaction was more sensational. “Animals Rock NFFA’s World” ran the headline crawl on FOX News. “DTA Cements Genius Reputation,” read a headline in the Boston Globe, referring to Dave the Animal as an acronym. “Q-2? Unmoeglich!” blared the header on the website of Germany’s Frankfurter Zeitung.

League officials have been frantically, but unsuccessfully thus far, attempting to find a way to prevent the Animals from inserting a second QB into a lineup on Sunday. Nor, said the inside source, have they had any luck determining how the Animals may have hacked into the league’s software. “We’re just in rumbling-fumbling-stumbling mode, right now,” said the software engineer. “We may be dealing with a superior technology.”

FSN will have more details on this story as they become available.

IS MCMIZZLE A CERTIFIED GENIUS?

The Methlon reporter who challenged Jizzle McMizzle's credentials as a coaching
genius can be seen in the above photo wearing a rasta crown and sunglasses .


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Things turned a little ugly Wednesday when a representative from Methlon's NFFA Preview disrupted East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle's weekly media zoo.

Midway through the press conference at McMizzle's eponymous nightclub, the Methlon reporter interrupted the coach, yelling, "Are you a certified coaching genius?"

Caught off guard by the question, the Black Dogs coach said," Am I a what?"

"Are you a certified coaching genius? One of your players, Terrence McGee, made a remark a few days ago about you being a real football genius, unlike some coaches who just call themselves geniuses," said the reporter, who was wearing dark sunglasses and a rasta crown over what appeared to be a large Afro.

"McGee was clearly referring to [Cambridge Animals owner] Dave the Animal," the unidentified reporter continued in a loud voice. "Dave the Animal is a certified genius — certified by M.I.T. I've seen the certificate. Are you a certified genius, Coach McMizzle? I think not. I know Dave the Animal, and you, sir, are no Dave the Animal."

"Well, first of all, I never said I was a genius, or that I was Dave the Animal," McMizzle said, regaining his composure. "But I buy it that the Animal is a genius, and that's why I am worried about our trip to Cambridge this weekend. By the way, who are you and what media are you with? I don't think I've ever seen you before."

"Daniel Davis with Methlon's NFFA Preview," the reporter muttered.

"Methlon's Preview, huh, I don't think I've ever seen it," McMizzle said. "When did it come out?"

"Well, it hasn't," he said. "We had some production delays, so now it will be a mid-season preview."

"Now there's a new genre of magazines for you — the mid-season preview," McMizzle quipped. Then he added, "Good luck with that, I think you'll need it," which drew a few laughs from the other reporters.

With that, the coach headed for the bar where a Morning Glory margarita awaited him, which signaled the end of the press event. As was his custom, McMizzle left the gathered media with a parting remark in Latin: "Oriens dominor bestia."

One final note regarding the Animal's certification as a genius by M.I.T.: The AWP has learned the accrediting institution was not the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, but rather the lesser-known Methamphetamine Institute of Technology.