at The Cherry Bomb Cafe with hidden infrared cameras.
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News
FSN has learned that the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs reached out to the Beelzebubbas organization on Thursday morning, requesting that he be allowed to resume his former coaching duties. Team sources, however, said that Charles Woodson would remain as interim head coach “for the foreseeable future.”
Biggs’ ghost apparently sent his proposal via text message to Jorgé Linardo, the team’s CEO Emeritus and Biggs’ mentor. According to a source who had seen the message, Biggs said that, while he was enjoying life on the other side, it “lacked the excitement” of the NFFA. “There’s no violence,” complained Biggs, “and all the stuff that QCurl [Sharif] told me about 70 virgins was bullsh*t. Turns out there were some 70-year-OLD virgins. Which would have been OK if they’d been nuns, but they weren’t.”
Describing himself as a “restless spirit,” Biggs wrote that he’d like to return to the sidelines for the Bubbas’ playoff run.
“Dr. Linardo and I don’t think this is a good idea,” said Bubbas’ Community Outreach Coordinator Anton Chigur. “The team got hot when Biggs died, and we don’t want to mess with the fragile chemistry. (Messing with chemistry is for the Animals.) Dr. L is trying to work something out where maybe Biggs can inhabit the body of Mo Money — I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t been in there before — and coach the Sea Hogs.” Otherwise, said Chigur, Biggs would continue in his role as “freelance volunteer scout” for the team.
In an exclusive interview with FSN, the first since his demise, Biggs described himself as disappointed by the news, but said that “death goes on” and that he would stay involved in other pursuits. He said he’s working on a new book, Who’s Gay in Paradise, and is devoting some of his spare time to “helping OJ find the real killer.” He also promised to “blow the lid off this whole Bermuda Triangle thing,” but is waiting “until the price is right” to sell the story to media organizations.
Still, said Biggs, he hasn’t adjusted to his new lifestyle. “There are advantages and disadvantages to no longer needing physical sustenance,” he philosophized. “Right now I’d give my left nut for a Touchdown Taser™.”
Asked specifically to comment on Dave the Animal’s claim that God was bringing about the end of the world in retribution for the Bakers’ playoff-clinching victory over his team, Biggs said the information appeared to be false. Instead, he confirmed the accuracy of the Mayan long-count calendar, which predicts the world will end in December 2012. “I was talking the other day to Quetzlcoatl, who had been to a barbecue with some of the Mayan pantheon, so I have this on good authority,” Biggs explained. “In 2012, the Animals will finish the regular season 14-0 and breeze through the first round of the playoffs. Then, before they can close out the championship, the world blows up like some giant meth lab. Quetz says that would be some funky karma, if ,of course there were such a thing as karma.”
Biggs’ ghost apparently sent his proposal via text message to Jorgé Linardo, the team’s CEO Emeritus and Biggs’ mentor. According to a source who had seen the message, Biggs said that, while he was enjoying life on the other side, it “lacked the excitement” of the NFFA. “There’s no violence,” complained Biggs, “and all the stuff that QCurl [Sharif] told me about 70 virgins was bullsh*t. Turns out there were some 70-year-OLD virgins. Which would have been OK if they’d been nuns, but they weren’t.”
Describing himself as a “restless spirit,” Biggs wrote that he’d like to return to the sidelines for the Bubbas’ playoff run.
“Dr. Linardo and I don’t think this is a good idea,” said Bubbas’ Community Outreach Coordinator Anton Chigur. “The team got hot when Biggs died, and we don’t want to mess with the fragile chemistry. (Messing with chemistry is for the Animals.) Dr. L is trying to work something out where maybe Biggs can inhabit the body of Mo Money — I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t been in there before — and coach the Sea Hogs.” Otherwise, said Chigur, Biggs would continue in his role as “freelance volunteer scout” for the team.
In an exclusive interview with FSN, the first since his demise, Biggs described himself as disappointed by the news, but said that “death goes on” and that he would stay involved in other pursuits. He said he’s working on a new book, Who’s Gay in Paradise, and is devoting some of his spare time to “helping OJ find the real killer.” He also promised to “blow the lid off this whole Bermuda Triangle thing,” but is waiting “until the price is right” to sell the story to media organizations.
Still, said Biggs, he hasn’t adjusted to his new lifestyle. “There are advantages and disadvantages to no longer needing physical sustenance,” he philosophized. “Right now I’d give my left nut for a Touchdown Taser™.”
Asked specifically to comment on Dave the Animal’s claim that God was bringing about the end of the world in retribution for the Bakers’ playoff-clinching victory over his team, Biggs said the information appeared to be false. Instead, he confirmed the accuracy of the Mayan long-count calendar, which predicts the world will end in December 2012. “I was talking the other day to Quetzlcoatl, who had been to a barbecue with some of the Mayan pantheon, so I have this on good authority,” Biggs explained. “In 2012, the Animals will finish the regular season 14-0 and breeze through the first round of the playoffs. Then, before they can close out the championship, the world blows up like some giant meth lab. Quetz says that would be some funky karma, if ,of course there were such a thing as karma.”
