RYAN CALLS SHARIF A 'GRAVE ROBBER'

QCurl Sharif: World leader or grave robber? Buddy Ryan (inset) thinks the latter.


By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Maybe East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan got up on the wrong side of the bed. Or maybe he was hungover. Whatever the reason, at his weekly press breakfast yesterday morning, Ryan went nuclear on QCurl Sharif and his 12th Avenue Bakers team.

"Am I the only [expletive] person who remembers that the so-called QCurl Sharif, media darling and would-[expletive]-be world leader, used to be G.Q. Denney, a worthless drug addict, mad scientist, and presumed grave robber," Ryan asked the blurry-eyed members of the media gathered at the East Nashville Shoney's across from the Dog House. "G.Q. robbed mother[expletive] graves! Are you following me here, people?" It has long been rumored that Sharif has a zombie corral in Howenwald, Tenn., where he reanimates the dead — usually deceased celebrities.

"And his teams used to set the [expletive] standard for futility in this league," Ryan continued. "He couldn't buy a [expletive] win, and believe me, he tried."

When asked why he going off on Sharif at this particular time, Ryan said, "If I had to give you all the reasons QCurl Sharif makes me puke, this press breakfast would run into the dinner hour."

When one member of the media asked if Ryan was just trying to get inside Sharif's head in advance of this weekend's game with the Bakers, he shuddered visibly at the thought, then said, "Jesus [expletive] Christ, now that would truly be a scary, [expletive] place to be."

For the remainder of the press event, the Black Dogs exec repeatedly referred to Sharif as "G.Q.," as if he might conjure up the losing spirit of the old Q.

Following the breakfast, this reporter was reminded that the bad blood between Ryan and Sharif dated back to the night of the Black Dogs first championship in 2005, when both men were arrested for streaking down Woodland Street. The GM claimed to have been drugged.

When asked for comment regarding Ryan's remarks, Bakers media maven Faith Popcorn said, "We're not concerned with the ravings of a convicted pedophile."

It should be noted that Ryan was not actually convicted of pedophilia, only arrested as a suspect.

SHARIF ADDRESSES GENERAL ASSEMBLY Reclusive Owner Hails Baker Nation as ‘New World Power’

QCurl Sharif called for a "world party" at the UN last week.


By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya,
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

NEW YORK — Following long-winded speeches by Libya’s Muammar Qaddafi and Iran’s Mohammad Ahmedinejad, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif made history last Thursday as the first NFFA owner to address the United Nations General Assembly in New York.

“We speak for all the downtrodden who are tired of being treated as Third World entities,” said Sharif, who sported a black T-shirt inscribed “Shiva Is My Co-Pilot” under his black blazer. “A new world football power has risen in the Baker Nation, and we demand our rightful place at this council.”

Many of the delegates who had walked out earlier during the speech of the Iranian leader returned to the great hall when they heard cheers erupting for Sharif, who announced it was “time for a world party,” said that attempts to eradicate production of coca leaves were part of a conspiracy by the Trilateral Commission, and declared that he and TV host Glenn Beck were “gonna make it snow all up in here.”

Sharif’s address apparently had been arranged by President Barack Obama, who presided over the General Assembly on Thursday. White House spokespersons said they knew nothing in advance of the speech, but Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn explained that the address had been arranged by Obama when he and his wife attended the Bakers’ draft party in Nashville on August 31. “It’s not surprising that the president doesn’t remember what went on that night,” Popcorn added, declining to elaborate further, “but I can promise you it happened. Let’s just say he hasn’t quite given up smoking.”

After his address, Sharif was unavailable for comment but was seen leaving with Amy Winehouse and Qaddafi, and overheard saying, “Let’s hit your party tent.”