LIVE BLOG: Ballers’ Christmas Playoff Extravaganza @ the Linardo Lounge

By Soren Bernyn 
FSPN

The NFFA media horde received an interesting text message on Christmas Day from Ballers’ owner/GM Mojo D: “Celebrate the Ballers’ playoff victory at the Linardo Lounge on Boxing Day. Don’t miss it - WILL BE WILD.” Here we go…

7:00

Rhonda Santis is warming up the crowd with the off-color trolling and observations that are making my new FSPN colleague a rising star - no NFFA team is spared, and the crowd is getting loosened up with tonight’s playoff signature cocktail: the Ballers “Bold”-Fashioned. At the center of the room, a shirtless, dreadlocked Rasta stoked the pride of the Linardo Lounge: The Avalo: an industrial hookah named for Avalokiteshvara, the thousand-armed Bodhisattva of Compassion. Bushels of OG Kush are turning into a thick miasma that is levitating the crowd hitting the thousand pipes.

7:25 pm

Mojo D welcomes the assembled throng to the Linardo Lounge - he is wearing a Santa outfit, a 4-day beard and impossibly bloodshot eyes. “Friends, enemies, hangers-on and of course, the one and only Rhonda Santis: I am so glad we are all here together to celebrate another Ballers trip to the NFFA Championship game. This marks the team’s seventh trip to the finals in the last 10 seasons - whether Corsairs or Ballers, my teams are built for the playoffs. We have only missed one playoff in the past decade, and this is when the team rises to the moment.

“I realize the semifinal game is not yet complete, but I have never been known for my patience. I have all the respect I can muster for Lex Dominica and the Daddies: they had a terrific regular season, but in the end, Lex is still on a quest for 'one for the thumb' - he's gotten close twice now -- but it’s hard to overcome a 3-INT defensive day, plus season highs from my WRs. And Joe Burrow: good God, y’all! Come on up here, Joe Cool!”

Burrow took the dais to raucous applause - many of the attendees wandered down from the Club Gitmo Sports Book, where Burrow is a hero for his uncanny ability to cover. Mojo D threw his arm around his QB, grabbed the mic and suddenly got emotional. Through choked-up tears, the Ballers GM said “this guy was clutch all year - he is latest link in a chain of excellence that has defined this Dynasty for over a decade. Yeah, I said it: the ‘D word’ - is there anything else you would call a team that wins more championships over the last ten seasons? This isn’t just some drunken ranting - well, actually it is, but it is also facts, man! The data tells you all you need to know!!” 

The Monday night game was kicking off, and Mojo D added: “Derwin James is taking us over the 200 mark tonight: get the kitchen working on that 2-Hundy platter for the Ballers.” Ballers PR advisor Rosetta Stone whispered in his ear, and he quickly added: ”oh, and the Bubbas can pick up theirs at the takeout window.”

8:18 pm

(At right: Mojo D caught in a vulnerable moment)

Mojo D is raging in a bad way — Derwin James flagged on successive plays. On the second one - a clearly illegal shot to the head — James was ejected after a personal foul flag. The penalty drops the Ballers from 201.2 points to 199.7. LB Bobby Wagner (“the heart and soul of the Ballers” said Mojo D) loses his shit after promising the team’s first 200-point game in 2022: “that dirty motherf*cker: I will completely f*ck him up next week: it don’t matter that we both play defense!” Burrow went to calm him down without much success.

Mojo D sulks into the corner - he’s mumbling about “missing a 2-hundy because of that dirty punkass sack of shit”). The Add/Drop window is open on his laptop - James is highlighted. 

Aides guide him to an spare arm of The Avalo, and after a few minutes with the Ballers faithful and a few puffs of dank bud, he returns and is generously glazed. “That sucks - I won’t lie. There’s something magical about 200 and we have been over 197 twice this season, but we are still moving on to the Championship - I can only pray that Goodrow and the Green take as much care next week with their lineup as they did this week” (the Green started DB Cameron Dantzler, who was listed Inactive on Saturday).

9:28 pm

The fourth quarter of a lackluster Monday game is underway, and Linardo Lounge is LIT. It looks like a fog machine has malfunctioned and the floor is sticky with bourbon, Christmas candy, sweat and other bodily fluids. Mojo D has chosen this particular moment to do a needle drop: the game goes off the 42 screens around the room, a spotlight goes up on a disturbingly disheveled Mojo D, who intones into the mic amid screeching feedback: “friends, I can’t wait any longer to whip this thing out…”

The crowd gasped as Mojo D reached into the waistband of his Santa suit and pulled out a remote control, which he pressed dramatically. Confetti showered the crowd and a ginormous shroud descended from the ceiling; fireworks go off, the shroud drops to reveal a giant logo:

Mojo D continues: “Ladies and gentlemen and everybody else too, I bring you the next generation of fantasy-sports programming: FSPN. From quality content about every fantasy sport’s studs and scapegoats, to comprehensive, compulsive coverage on every form of gambling, FSPN is the fantasy fanatic’s voice and the official network of the greatest league in the history of sport: the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association. We are pleased to announce that programming will launch January 1st with a live feed of the 2022 NFFA Championship!”

On second thought, they should have done the fireworks first: there are small fires throughout the Lounge where the sparks have ignited the confetti.

10:22 pm

It’s official! The Ballers will play their Divisional nemesis, the Village Green, for the 2022 NFFA Championship in Week 17. To add to the drama, the game will not be decided until next Monday, when Burrow, Tee Higgins and the Ballers wrap up the 2022 season in the final matchup of the week. Asked for comment, Mojo D offered a snarl and slurred in his best Tony Montana voice: “We kept Lex from getting his ‘one for the thumb’ AGAIN, and now we’re gonna crush up the Green like the fragile little cockaroaches they are - Woodrow, Goodrow, Stuart Smalley, the whole f*ckin’ lot of ‘em!” He tilted his head back, laughed silently and then passed out into the arms of the mysterious Miss Lee-Yhn, aka the Pompatus of Love and purported muse of the Ballers franchise. She directed Wagner, Burrow, and the Smiths (Roquan and Devonta) to "get him back to the Bitcoin Bunker: chop-chop! And for the rest of the you," she said, smiling sweetly, "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

The Linardo Lounge soundtrack shifts to a groovy lo-fi downtempo sound, the lights come up a little and the stoned masses head for the exits (actually, most of them are heading back to the Sports Book - rumors are that Saddam is feeling generous with his west-coast NBA spreads).

An epic start to NFFA Championship Week - stay tuned to FSPN!

2023 PLAYOFF PREVIEW with Rhonda Santis

By Rhonda Santis

FSPN

Ed. note: Rhonda Santis (xe/xer/xem/xers) is a contributor for the recently launched FSPN (Fantasy Sports Programming Network) content mill. Xe has been a mainstay at the West Nashville Library Drag Queen/Drug King Story Hour, and offers xer unique take and insights on the NFFA. Some of these comments were part of her post-Story Hour set at the Linardo Lounge at Club Gitmo.

It's playoff time, bitches! Let’s preview the playoff games:

Daddies v. Ballers

The Daddies are on a roll and the Ballers struggled to get into the playoffs. The Ballers are young, scrappy and hungry but just don’t have Championship horsepower without a star WR (Cooper Kupp’s Week 10 injury changed their fortunes drastically). But Mojo D’s teams are built for the playoffs - they have made it to the second season 9 of the last 10 years, and vied for the Dead Lombardi Trophy in 6 of those seasons, scooping up 3 rings along the way. Ballers will need luck as much as anything to return to the finals.

But luck has illuminated the Daddies entire 2022 campaign - how else does the #7 scoring team in the league also have the best record? Savvy and timely free-agent pickups kept them on top, but will they have time for that now? I see Lex Dominica recently made himself pope of some backwater Texas sand-hump - it makes me think he hasn’t gotten rid of the syphilis he picked up in Matamoros; in its tertiary stages, delusions of grandeur are common. I'll talk sh*t about him for the clicks, but honestly, there's nobody closer to the drag queen ethos than Lex: the sombrero and velvet warmup suits? Slay, queen - I have makeup tips when you're ready!

Hate to bet against the Ballers in a playoff (especially since Mojo D is bankrolling me), but I’m taking the Daddies in this one.

Bakers v. Green

It has been said that the Bakers’ back-to-back Jorge Division championships are a sign of the end-times, but let’s face it honey, there’s always something portending the end-times in the NFFA: a league built on curses invites that kind of cosmic interference. The Bakers are on a 4-game win streak and executed the rare feat of a sweep of their division in the 2022 season. Bakers are indubitably the sentimental favorite here since they have never won an NFFA Ring (not to mention Q Curl Sharif’s growing global superstardom and the inexplicable Ukrainian nipple-ring craze), but the data don’t support the sentiment.

The Village Green are currently a juggernaut - as long as Mahomes is healthy, the Green can win. And with the Green’s loaded backfield - including Goodrow’s hopelessly-devoted-to-you man-crush Saquon Barkley - getting off, it has been a happy time in the Village. Look for the good times to continue to roll at the Goodrow-a-Go-Go: I might even get up and sing “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man…”

And let’s review the losers’ bracket too. 

Chin up, baes - you get the first picks in the 2023 draft!

The Animals just aren’t even trying - it’s very sad: only two seasons removed from their improbable championship and they can only muster 3 wins. Wake up, DTA, WTA, ZTA and the rest of you filthy animals! It’s time to stop f*cking that GOAT  - move on!! Does all this go back to how the Animals dissed the Curse of the Champion? Maybe Wilder needs to lock DTA in the basement again...

The rookie Midtown Browns are the odd team out in the dominant Linardo Division, but they had no chance to win it all because of the aforementioned [cue 'pay no attention to the man behind the curtain' voice] Curse of the Champion. Even with the best QB in the league, key injuries to stars hurt their chances to put together a string of wins, but yeah, the Curse is undefeated. Need proof? Swept by the lowly Animals: ‘nuff said. Consolation: we SO love the vintage, throwback aesthetic...

The Beelzebubbas are an enigma wrapped in a warm, flaky pastry. On the outside, it looks amazing, but the the insides are inconsistent. After a weak start, the team rolled up three 200+ point games, including the historic #1 scoring game of all NFFA time [259.2 pts in Week 8]. But hear this - and listen close, bitches - the only reason they are not in the playoffs is their .2-point loss to the Bakers in Week 1, which was because of a .5-point scoring adjustment by Elias. Sources close to the Bubbas indicate there will be an investigation into Elias’ actions. Those same sources report that team management, particularly Meta World Death, are “butt-hurt.”

Speaking of butt-hurt, this season was painful for the storied Black Dogs franchise. Still alive for the playoffs in Week 15 and — even with their opponent’s alleged technical difficulties with setting a lineup — the team could not take care of business and wound up in 3rd place in the Jorge Division. Good news, Money: you're in 3rd draft position for 2023!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Blessed Kwanzaa, my sweets - stay fabulous!

BAKERS APPARENTLY IN Team owner Sharif flees the country

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif addressed the media Monday morning from historic Warren Tavern in Boston. He was accompanied by longtime legal advisor, Judge Naomi Morningstar.

Man-Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

CAMBRIDGE—In a dismal war of attrition, the London Bakers have earned the team's second straight division title in spite of a potential, and depressing, loss suffered at the hands of the Cambridge Animals, an opponent who had come into the game winless in the Jorge Division this year.

The possible loss would be the first divisional blemish for the Bakers in 2022. In spite of the pedantic showing amid what owner QCurl Sharif described as poor game-time lineup awareness, the team has apparently backed into the No. 2 overall seed, becoming the first division champ to land in the playoffs with a losing record in NFFA history. The East Nashville Black Dogs technically have a mathematical chance at usurping the title, but would require a 40+ point performance by wide receiver Christian Watson tonight to secure.

"Here, against this setting, it is appropriate to reflect upon the fact that we survived another brutal year in the league—especially in the cutthroat confines of the Jorge tribe," Sharif said, in close company with star-crossed Obama-era Supreme Court nominee Naomi Morningstar. She and the Bakers' owner spoke to reporters from the Warren Tavern in Boston, where they appeared to have awakened unexpectedly.

"History is palpable here, in this bar. I was informed by a patron in the wee hours that this may be the oldest pub in America. Certainly the oldest in Massachusetts. He also informed me that the Bakers have not, in fact lost the game at this point. I said to him, and I'll say to you, that even a narrow win over the Animals in this day and age, is a loss."

The two chose to remain seated at the table adjacent to the bar itself, and Sharif appeared to have a black eye. Ms. Morningstar spoke only once, to order a raw egg and tomato juice from the kitchen. She sat stoically, in what appeared to be a shimmering, diaphanous evening gown by Dior. A report by the Guardian earlier in the year had linked the two romantically, though both Sharif and Morningstar both denied the rumors. Sharif also appeared to be wearing a diaphanous evening gown, but from a different fashion house — House of David.

"Our good friend, and poet, David Daniel, owner of the Animals, brought us here for what we understood to be a 'fashion show' fundraiser for a worthy cause," Sharif said. "However, when we arrived, he excused himself momentarily and we found ourselves in what I'll politely refer to as 'rough company' for the rest of the evening. As always, Ms. Morningstar has handled the situation with dignity and aplomb."

Sharif indicated he would depart for London today, before knowing the outcome of the game.

"No matter how this shakes out, we'll fight with all we have," Sharif said. "Except for the matching handbag that goes with this outfit. It's headed to Odessa."

DADDIES, GREEN PUNCH THEIR PLAYOFF TICKETS Bakers, Ballers, Black Dogs battle for final two spots

London Bakers head Coach Snoop Dogg has a reason to smile. He has his team on the brink of a second consecutive Jorge division title.

By R.E. Porter

Associate Web Press

The Boca Chica Daddies and the Village Green have locked down two of the spots in the 2022 NFFA championship playoffs, although it’s not yet clear which of them will be the Linardo division champ and number one seed, and which will be a wild card team.

In the Jorge division, the London Bakers are in the driver’s seat in their battle with the East Nashville Black Dogs for the division title.

As for the other wild card berth, the Ballers have the inside track, while the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, Midtown Browns and Cambridge Animals all have been eliminated. The 3-11 Animals have clinched the first overall pick in the 2023 draft.

Here’s an overview of the division races and the playoff scenarios:

The Daddies (10-4) control their own destiny. If they defeat the Browns this weekend, they clinch the Linardo crown and the number one overall seed. If they lose and the Green (9-5) beat the Ballers, both teams will have identical 10-5 records, and the Green will win the division on the first tiebreaker, head-to-head record, as they swept the Daddies during the regular season. If the Green win the division, the Daddies will grab the first wild card spot and the number three seed.

Like the Daddies, the Bakers (7-7) control their own destiny. If they beat the Animals, they will clinch their second consecutive Jorge title and the number two seed.  According to rumors on the dark web, a Bakers win will trigger the End Times. If the Bakers lose to the Animals and the Black Dogs (7-7) knock off the Beelzebubbas, the Black Dogs will win the Jorge division and second seed, and the Bakers will be eliminated from playoff contention.

As far as the final wild card berth goes, the Ballers (8-6) also control their own destiny. If they defeat the Green, they will clinch the final wild card spot and number three seed after sweeping the Green. The Green would drop to the four seed. Even with a loss to the Green, the Ballers will still clinch the final spot if either the Bakers or Black Dogs lose. But if the Ballers lose and both the Bakers and Black Dogs win, the Black Dogs will clinch the final wild card berth by virtue of sweeping the Ballers in the regular season and the Ballers will be eliminated.

DOMINICA REPUBLIC? Daddies owner breaks with Musk, declares independent state

The Boca Chica Daddies have cut all ties with Elon Musk.

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a media event that veteran sports journalists described as “out there, even by NFFA standards,” Boca Chica Daddies owner Lex Dominica announced that his team was cutting all ties with Elon Musk, effective immediately. Then, in response to the plaintive urgings of employees of Musk’s Space-X complex, Dominica told reporters, “Hang on, I’ll be back” – and returned two hours later to declare himself the founder of an independent republic.

Even before the news conference was called, rumors had been swirling that the Daddies, who moved from Atlanta to Boca Chica Beach in 2020, would sever their relationship with Musk, whose erratic behavior since his takeover of Twitter has alarmed employees and public alike. So few were surprised when Dominica, dressed in one of his trademark velvet leisure suits and a gold sombrero, stepped up to the podium and said, “I’ve decided to make a change. Elon Musk is no longer a part of the Boca Chica Daddies. And vice-versa.”

Flanked by longtime Daddies philanthropic leader and organization outreach leader Algernon “Alge” Crumpler, Dominica explained what had transpired over the past month inside the sleepy coastal village known as Boca Chica, Texas.

“Elon’s foolhardy purchase of Twitter and his bat-shit crazy antics cavorting all over the galaxy gave us no choice but to remove him from our organization,” Dominica continued. “Simply put, anyone dumb enough to spend $44 billion on a social media platform with the first syllable as “twit” and name his new son A-XII, or whatever, is not in sync with the values and traditions of this organization,” he said. “We cannot afford to be associated with someone who takes the title of Chief Twit. It’s bad for our team’s brand and bad for football.

“And besides that, he’s not half as smart as he projects himself to be. He bought the McLaren F1, the fastest car in the world and immediately wrecked it, the owner added, shaking his head. “He wasn’t going to be allowed to do the same thing to the highest scoring and most envied franchise in the history of this league.”

As Dominica began to explain that the Daddies, exercising an option in their original affiliation agreement, would buy out Musk’s share of the team and take full ownership of the stadium and entertainment complex at Boca Chica, Space-X employees who had crowded into the back of the room began calling out, “Help us, Lex! Don’t leave us here with Elon!”

One employee, producing a bullhorn, shouted, “We’re like the guards at the witch’s castle! Take us with you, Dorothy!”

After excusing himself to reporters, Dominica walked to the back of the room and spoke briefly to the employees, who followed him out. When they returned after an absence of nearly two hours, Dominica strode to the podium and said, “We have an update.” Then he announced that the Daddies were effectively annexing Space-X, as well as miles of surrounding land, and proclaimed the territory as the Free Republic of Dominica.

“Together with the employees of Space X,” he said, “Alge and I have determined that it is in the best interest of all parties if we take these companies, this village and the entire stretch from the Ship Channel to the Rio Grande, and from Boca Chica Beach to the Port of Brownsville, and form an independent state. We have engaged citizens, we have port facilities, we have rockets, and we have a can-do attitude, and we will also have two U.S. senators after we gain admission as the 51st state.”

Reporters sat agape at the announcement. “Got-da-amn!” exclaimed Scott Van Pelt on ESPN, which was covering the event on live TV.

But Dominica was not done. After noting that Twitter would be blocked in Dominica and Musk would be arrested if he set foot on the territory, the Daddies owner continued: “I’m also pleased to announce that the Space-X employees have just voted to unionize and have elected Alge as the company’s new CEO and board chair. And in his first act, Alge has shattered the corporate glass ceiling by naming the first all-female C-suite, with the obvious exception of himself, of course.”

The gobsmacked press corps gasped as the hulking Crumpler stood up, ripped open his black and red velour track suit with” Big Daddy” emblazoned on the chest to reveal a colorful, all-encompassing tattoo with the outline of the new territory and the words ‘New World. New Conquests.’ Crumpler flexed his chest pecs to reveal a pulsating Space-X rocket on a launchpad straddled by what appeared to be Boca Chica cheerleaders.

After the crowd had quieted and those who had fainted were revived, the new corporate chief spoke.

“It’s all about love, harmony and beating down those bitches in the NFFA,” said Crumpler, who retains his role with the Daddies along with his new position with Space-X. “We’re gonna build a society that is devoted to the greater good for all. We only use force when necessary or someone requests it. Our goal is to provide those we employ and those who want to work with us a better way of doing things.”

Dominica moved next to Crumpler and simply said: “It’s play-off time,” before concluding in Spanish, “¡Traerlo, perras!” (which translates into English as, “Bring it, bitches!”).

And with that, Dominica and Crumpler left the building and walked out into the bright sunlight that prevailed across the world’s newest republic.

2008 BLACK DOGS TOAST GREEN LOSS Remain the only undefeated team in NFFA history

Running back Chris Johnson, aka CJ2K, was one of the members of the undefeated 2008 Black Dogs team celebrating at the McMahonistan room Monday Night.

By. R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

Members of the 2008 East Nashville Black Dogs gathered at Club Gitmo Monday night to watch Monday Night Football and have several rounds of farewell toasts to 2022’s last undefeated team, the Village Green. The Green were blown out by the Ballers, their hated division rivals. 

It was the fourteenth time alumni of the historic 2008 Black Dogs team have gathered to commemorate their perfect 16-0 campaign and to celebrate one more year as the only team in NFFA history to go undefeated for an entire season. 

“With the parity in the league these days, I don’t think anyone will be able to match what we did,” said Tony Romo, who was the quarterback on that 2008 team. 

Legendary East Nashville head coach Jim McMahon, who helmed three Black Dogs championship teams including the 2008 squad, hosted the celebration at his namesake bar inside Club Gitmo, the McMahonistan room. Besides Romo, seven other members of the undefeated team were on hand Monday night, including Chris Johnson, Patrick Willis, Frank Gore, Maurice Jones-Drew, Greg Jennings, Jared Allen and John Abraham. 

In addition, several current Black Dogs players stopped by the party, including Justin Herbert, Stefon Diggs, Joe Mixon and Minkah Fitzpatrick. Reclusive team owner Bill Money showed up with GM Rex Ryan near the end of MNF and bought several rounds of champagne for everyone.

There also were several celebrities in attendance. League founder and West Nashville Beelzebubbas owner Dr. Jorge Linardo was seen with Kim Kardashian on his arm. A seemingly reconciled Patrick Carney and Michelle Branch were seen cuddling at the far end of the bar. 

After MNF, Money offered several toasts as the champagne flowed. He name-checked all the former players in attendance, as well as McMahon (“the greatest coach in league history”) and the Black Dogs organization itself (“greatest franchise in NFFA history”). 

But the most toasted guest was Ballers owner Mojo D, who lives at Club Gitmo. He stopped by to see what was going on, and when the partiers saw who it was, they gave him hugs and slaps on the back for his team’s win over the Green, and insisted he join the celebration. By the end of the evening, Mojo D had received so many free tequila shots, he had to be carried back to his room on a lower floor at the club.

GREEN ENERGY? ‘Treehouse Summit’ fuels White House move on marijuana pardons

President Biden decided to pardon anyone convicted under federal laws for simple possession of marijuana during a meeting at QCurl Sharif's West Nashville residence. 

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

Just after the Biden Administration’s announcement on Thursday that it would pardon all offenders convicted under federal laws against simple marijuana possession, reporters began hearing rumors that the key driver behind the abrupt policy shift was not in Washington but within the NFFA.

As FSN has confirmed through exclusive interviews with multiple sources, the idea for the pardon grew out of a meeting between Biden and Sir QCurl Sharif at Sharif’s West Nashville Tree House residence, the scene of frequent days-long parties attended by Biden during his time as Vice President. Ostensibly, the meeting had been timed to coincide with a visit by Sharif to Nashville for a road game by his team, the London Bakers. Given Sharif’s close ties to the Ukrainian government and President Volodomyr Zelensky, Biden and Secretary of State Anthony Blinken had arranged to meet Sharif to gain insights that might influence US policy in the Ukraine conflict.

While Ukraine was in fact a topic of initial conversations, sources confirm that, over several plates of Snoop Dogg’s signature onion rings and a case of Corona beer, the conversation soon shifted toward developing a comprehensive new policy on marijuana — an issue that both Sharif and Snoop have long championed.

“If you’re going green, then you got to go with puff power, not just wind power,” witnesses overheard Snoop telling Biden.

When a somewhat startled Blinken said, “I beg your pardon,” Snoop fired back, “That’s what I’m talking about! Nobody should have to beg for a pardon for a minor possession offense. It’s time to get on with the get-on and get this country back on the right track!”

From there, it was quickly decided that all federal offenders for simple marijuana possession would receive pardons, and that state governors would be urged to follow suit. The only question was when to announce the policy change. “One young aide thought it would be fitting to schedule the announcement for 4/20/2023,” said one source, “but then Sir Q said people can’t afford to wait another day in jail. Besides, Q added, “Cannabis is the most unifying influence in American life today. Do this a month before the mid-terms, and the country will rally behind you, Republicans will howl and everybody else will mellow about the economy.”

As one source claimed, Snoop chimed in: “A hundred years from now, people will remember the date of the Treehouse Summit and who made it happen.” Then he paraphrased Shakespeare:

“From this day to the ending of the world,

We shall be remember’d;

We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;

For he to-day that partakes with me

Shall be my brother:

And gentlemen in England now a-bed

Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,

And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks

That smoked with us on Saint Crispin’s day.”

“I swear that happened,” one source said, not realizing that another witness had captured Snoop’s speech on cell phone video. “He stood up and recited the fucking St. Crispin’s Day speech, and Sir Q and Biden start weeping openly together, and then at the end the Secretary of State walks out with a whole backpack full of the SodBakers’ “Puff the Magic Dragon” product, saying “We happy few!” over and over again. I was there. It fucking happened.”

BLACK DOGS INCREASE SECURITY FOR BALLERS Will mobilize more than 500 armed officers

There will be greatly increased security at The Dog House this weekend.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

East Nashville president Cassandra “Cash” Money, daughter of team owner Bill Money, announced via press release Thursday afternoon that the team plans to have increased security at The Dog House this weekend for the game against the Ballers.

“We have decided to increase the number of armed security officers at this weekend’s game with the Ballers,” Money said in the release. “Normally, we have between 50 and 100 armed personnel on hand on game day, but there is nothing normal about hosting the Ballers, which we will do twice this season. 

“We plan to have 500 armed officers present at the game, as well as 50 K-9 security dogs,” she continued. “German Shepherds — all black, of course.”

Money said the move was strictly precautionary. “We have no intel to suggest there will be trouble this weekend, but let’s face it, the Ballers have a nomadic fanbase that is essentially homeless, and therefore potentially dangerous,” the Black Dogs executive explained. “Let me be clear, we’re not indifferent to their regrettable plight. With that in mind, we will be hosting local homeless advocates and aid agencies available to help any Ballers fans who would like their help.”

Money didn’t mention Ballers mercurial owner Mojo D in her press release, but it wasn’t hard to read between the lines of her reference to the plight of the team’s fans. As the owner’s asylum at Club Gitmo stretches into a second year, whispers about his increasingly eccentric behavior have reached a proud, but concerned fanbase left to wonder where Mojo D will lead them next.

RYANOSAURUS REX Black Dogs GM erupts while defending owner at Media Days

East Nashville GM Rex Ryan points angrily at reporter Joe Biddle during a volatile exchange at the Black Dogs NFFA Media Days appearance.

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

In all his years as a player and now as a head coach, Joe Montana said he had never stood before the media at a press event and failed to be asked a question. But that was how it went when it was the Black Dogs’ turn at NFFA Media Days 2022. 

“I’m still getting used to this league,” said the Black Dogs coach afterward. “It’s the greatest league in sports, but things work a little differently here.”

New Black Dogs logo.

When Montana and GM Rex Ryan ascended the dais in the large hall at Nashville’s Downtown Convention Center, where Media Days were moved this year to accommodate thousands of fans, Ryan spoke first, introducing the team’s new logo, which was projected behind him. He also showed the assembled media how the logo would be used on the team’s redesigned helmets, jerseys and licensed merchandise.

“We believe this new look adds energy while preserving the history and equity of the Black Dogs’ brand,” Ryan said. He draw attention to the small 16-0 inscription on the back of the helmets — a reference to the team’s never-duplicated perfect season. “It’s not just about some old record,” said Ryan. “It’s a reminder of our goal every year.”

Even before Ryan could formally open the floor to questions, reporter Joe Biddle shouted, “Speaking of old, Rex, is [Black Dogs owner] Bill Money OK? Is he dead? I mean, he hasn’t been seen in three years. Why isn’t he here today?”

Ryan bristled noticeably, and Biddle appeared to smile faintly at the thought that he might have hit a nerve.

Ryan repeated the question: “Is Bill Money dead? Dead? Let me tell you something, Fishbait, Bill Money is more alive right now than you were when you were 18. He inspires all of us to live life more fully.

“Do you know who you’re disrespecting here? Let me tell you about Bill Money. Mr. Money is the only person who sang backup vocals on two of the most iconic songs by two of the world’s most iconic bands. Did you even know that? You don’t know diddly-shit about Bill Money.”

“What songs are you referring to?” asked Biddle.

“When Bill was studying at the London School of Economics — did you know he earned a degree from the London School of Economics? — he became friends with one of his classmates, Mick Jagger. They formed a study group. Bill would share his notes with Mick, and Mick would share his women with Bill. That’s how he met Marianne Faithful. That’s how me met Lady Diana’s aunt, who became the mother of his son, Jesus Money. This is all in the history books if you bother to read.

“So when the Stones were recording in 1966, Mick invited Bill to sit in on the session where they were cutting ‘Paint It, Black.’ And then, because Bill was there and Mick heard him humming along, he got the idea to put in background vocals near the end with people humming. When you listen to that song and hear that ‘mm-mm-mm-mm-mm-a,’ that’s the man I work for that you’re hearing.”

“I didn’t know that,” Biddle said.

“We could fill the seven oceans with shit you don’t know,” Ryan shot back. “And the next year when Bill and Mick had gone one night to the Roaring Twenties nightclub on Carnaby Street, that’s when he met John Lennon and Dr. Jorgé Linardo, although at the time he didn’t know who Dr. Linardo was. Dr. Linardo was in London promoting his theories about herbal healing and traditional medicine, and that’s how he got to be in John Lennon’s orbit. And they were at this same club where Bill and Mick were hanging out, and everybody was getting high, and then Mick left with Susanna York, who Bill later dated for a while. 

“And so they were all sitting there, and then someone says, ‘I’m going to the loo’ – which means bathroom in English. And Dr. Linardo, because he’s fucked up, hears it as ‘Goo-goo-goo-gajoob.’

“So he says ‘Goo-goo-g’joob?’ and John Lennon says, ‘Jorgé, you’re fucked up!’

“And Dr. Linardo says, ‘EVERYBODY’S fucked up!’

“And so John Lennon says, ‘We’ve got to get to the studio right now!’ And he gathers up everyone there, including Bill Money, who barely even knows John Lennon at that point, and they all pile into this Rolls-Royce limo and go to the Abbey Road Studio. And John calls Paul, George and Ringo on the way and tells them to meet there, and it’s like 2 am, but they sit up all night and put together ‘I Am the Walrus,’ where John sings ‘Goo-goo-goo-job,’ and he’s basically written it all in his head on the limo ride, and at the end Bill Money and Dr. Linardo and everybody else who was with them at the club, including Lulu and Bob Keeshan, who you remember as Captain Kangaroo, are all chanting ‘Everybody’s fucked UP! Everybody’s fucked UP!’ over and over.’ And then George Martin came in later and added the orchestral shit and they got this actor to read lines from King Lear in the background, and then they all went and did some more LSD.

“So that’s how Bill Money came to be part of two of the most famous songs in history, and it doesn’t even end there. Because later that year Bernie Taupin comes to London and got to know Mr. Money and that’s where he got the line ‘He calls his child Jesus because he liked the name,’ which was part of the lyric he wrote for Elton John that became ‘Levon.’ So, really, Bill contributed directly or indirectly to three rock standards.”

Biddle interjected: “So, you’re saying Bill Money was getting high and making music in London while some people, like my colleague Woody Larry, were humping it in Vietnam?”

“Well,” Ryan retorted, “from the way things turned out, I’d say Mr. Money made better use of his time in those days than some of you boys did. But I thank all our vets for their service. Now, how about you, Joltin’ Joe? What have you ever done but write lazy hack stories, rip off real sportswriters like Blackie Sherrod and get drunk? You couldn’t be a pimple on Blackie Sherrod’s ass, and Blackie’s dead.”

By this point, Ryan was working himself into a lather. “You know what?” he said. “My father told me about you” – a reference to former Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan, who regularly jousted with Biddle and offered free I Beat Biddle bumper stickers to anyone who assaulted the sports columnist on the street. “In fact, I remember the day my father stuffed you into a garbage can. Maybe it’s time we revived an old Black Dogs tradition.”

With that, Ryan leaped from the dais to the floor and seized a startled Biddle before the septugenarian writer could react. With one powerful hand holding the neck of Biddle’s shirt and the other holding him by the seat of his pants, he carried the journalist to a corner of the room and hoisted him head-first into a large plastic garbage can. “Touchdown! Game over!” Ryan yelled, raising both arms upright. As officials tried to restore order, Ryan stormed out, followed by Montana, who turned toward the TV cameras and shrugged.

At that point, a spontaneous chant of “I beat Biddle! I beat Biddle!” arose from among the thousands of Black Dogs fans who were watching the news conference on a Jumbotron outside the convention center.

“I wish we could bottle that performance and give it to our players like Gatorade,” said Montana afterward. “We’d be 16-0 every year.”

BROWNS SAY REPORTERS ON A ‘NEED-TO-KNOW’ BASIS Midtown president Vietti cleared answers to media with team attorney

Don Maurizio Tommaso Marone, new owner of the Midtown Browns, as he appeared in a 2020 cover story in Goombah magazine, "New Don on the Block." 

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

Maybe the Midtown Browns believe when you’re the new guy you should keep a low profile until you get the lay of the land — or league in this case. Or maybe not. But one thing for certain, the team formerly known as the Sylvan Goats made the shortest appearance ever at NFFA Media Days.

The Browns were represented by team president Joey “Little Tony” Vietti. Vietti, who was accompanied by one of the team’s attorneys, made a brief opening statement. 

“Gentlemen and ladies, I gotta tell you, the Don is not used to having his people talk with the media,” he began. “The Don considers reporters to be on a ‘need-to-know’ basis, if you know what I mean, so I don’t feel entirely comfortable being here with you today. But it’s the Don’s understanding that this is some kind of a tradition in the Nashvegas Fantasy Football League, so here I am. 

“The gentlemen to my left is one of the Family’s attorneys, Salvatore Venucci,” Vietti continued. “Mr. Venucci is here to advise me regarding whether I should answer your questions or not. And with that said, I open the floor to your questions.”

Several reporters raised their hands, and Vietti pointed at one and said, “You, go ahead. Yes, you, the little fat man, ask your question.”

The “little fat man” was Joe Biddle of WKRN, and his face was bright red as he asked, “Who is the Don?”

Vietti looked at Venucci, who gave him an affirmative nod. “The Don is Don Maurizio Tommaso Marone, and he is the owner of the Midtown Browns.”

“Does he live in Nashvegas,” Biddle added.

Again Vietti glanced at the attorney before answering. “Don Marone does not have a home in Nashville, although he is looking at properties in the area,” Vietti said. 

Next, FSN’s Ariel Mutha-Tafoya raised her hand and was recognized by Vietti. “What made Don Marone want to buy the Sylvan Goats franchise,” she asked.

“That’s simple, babe,” Vietta said to a stunned Mutha-Tafoya. “The Don likes to associate with winners, and the team is the defending champ. He also likes good value. When he saw a losing franchise like the Village Green was valued at more than a trillion bucks, he couldn’t pass on the chance to buy a far-more successful franchise for far less than that.”

Vietti then recognized Man Ray Natural of The Mainline Dope, who asked, “Why did Don Marone name the team the Browns?”

Vietti smiled before he answered. “Well, you see the Don wanted to give the team a little extra good luck,” he said, “so he named it after his spiritual advisor Rev. Fred Brown. You may see Rev. Brown on the sidelines during games to inspire the team.”

Next, Woody Larry asked Vietti if he feared the Curse of the Champion would make the Browns its bitch the way Vietnam made LBJ its bitch?

“The curse of the what,” Vietti said.

“The Curse of the Champion,” Larry replied. “In 20 seasons there has never been a repeat champion.”

Vietti stepped away from the podium and engaged in a hushed conversation with Venucci. After several minutes, he returned to the mic and said, “The Don doesn’t talk about Vietnam.”

“No, no, that was just a metaphor,” Larry explained.

“I’m not sure who you said you met, but the Don doesn’t talk about Vietnam. And you know, that’s enough with the questions for today. I just answered more freaking questions than I have in 20 years working for the Don.”

Vietti and Venucci then turned to leave the stage.

“But you only answered five questions,” shouted FSN’s Soren Bernyn.

The two Browns representatives stopped, turned back toward the media audience and Vietti said, “Yeah, and that’s five more than I ever answered before. What’s your name, pal?”

“Soren Bernyn, FSN.”

Vietti slowly took a small, black notebook from his side coat pocket and thumbed through it. When presumably he found a blank page, he made a note and returned the notebook to his pocket. Then without looking back at the audience, he and the attorney left the room.