BAKERS APPARENTLY IN Team owner Sharif flees the country

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif addressed the media Monday morning from historic Warren Tavern in Boston. He was accompanied by longtime legal advisor, Judge Naomi Morningstar.

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CAMBRIDGE—In a dismal war of attrition, the London Bakers have earned the team's second straight division title in spite of a potential, and depressing, loss suffered at the hands of the Cambridge Animals, an opponent who had come into the game winless in the Jorge Division this year.

The possible loss would be the first divisional blemish for the Bakers in 2022. In spite of the pedantic showing amid what owner QCurl Sharif described as poor game-time lineup awareness, the team has apparently backed into the No. 2 overall seed, becoming the first division champ to land in the playoffs with a losing record in NFFA history. The East Nashville Black Dogs technically have a mathematical chance at usurping the title, but would require a 40+ point performance by wide receiver Christian Watson tonight to secure.

"Here, against this setting, it is appropriate to reflect upon the fact that we survived another brutal year in the league—especially in the cutthroat confines of the Jorge tribe," Sharif said, in close company with star-crossed Obama-era Supreme Court nominee Naomi Morningstar. She and the Bakers' owner spoke to reporters from the Warren Tavern in Boston, where they appeared to have awakened unexpectedly.

"History is palpable here, in this bar. I was informed by a patron in the wee hours that this may be the oldest pub in America. Certainly the oldest in Massachusetts. He also informed me that the Bakers have not, in fact lost the game at this point. I said to him, and I'll say to you, that even a narrow win over the Animals in this day and age, is a loss."

The two chose to remain seated at the table adjacent to the bar itself, and Sharif appeared to have a black eye. Ms. Morningstar spoke only once, to order a raw egg and tomato juice from the kitchen. She sat stoically, in what appeared to be a shimmering, diaphanous evening gown by Dior. A report by the Guardian earlier in the year had linked the two romantically, though both Sharif and Morningstar both denied the rumors. Sharif also appeared to be wearing a diaphanous evening gown, but from a different fashion house — House of David.

"Our good friend, and poet, David Daniel, owner of the Animals, brought us here for what we understood to be a 'fashion show' fundraiser for a worthy cause," Sharif said. "However, when we arrived, he excused himself momentarily and we found ourselves in what I'll politely refer to as 'rough company' for the rest of the evening. As always, Ms. Morningstar has handled the situation with dignity and aplomb."

Sharif indicated he would depart for London today, before knowing the outcome of the game.

"No matter how this shakes out, we'll fight with all we have," Sharif said. "Except for the matching handbag that goes with this outfit. It's headed to Odessa."