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| President Biden decided to pardon anyone convicted under federal laws for simple possession of marijuana during a meeting at QCurl Sharif's West Nashville residence. |
By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya
FSN Sports
Just after the Biden Administration’s announcement on Thursday that it would pardon all offenders convicted under federal laws against simple marijuana possession, reporters began hearing rumors that the key driver behind the abrupt policy shift was not in Washington but within the NFFA.
As FSN has confirmed through exclusive interviews with multiple sources, the idea for the pardon grew out of a meeting between Biden and Sir QCurl Sharif at Sharif’s West Nashville Tree House residence, the scene of frequent days-long parties attended by Biden during his time as Vice President. Ostensibly, the meeting had been timed to coincide with a visit by Sharif to Nashville for a road game by his team, the London Bakers. Given Sharif’s close ties to the Ukrainian government and President Volodomyr Zelensky, Biden and Secretary of State Anthony Blinken had arranged to meet Sharif to gain insights that might influence US policy in the Ukraine conflict.
While Ukraine was in fact a topic of initial conversations, sources confirm that, over several plates of Snoop Dogg’s signature onion rings and a case of Corona beer, the conversation soon shifted toward developing a comprehensive new policy on marijuana — an issue that both Sharif and Snoop have long championed.
“If you’re going green, then you got to go with puff power, not just wind power,” witnesses overheard Snoop telling Biden.
When a somewhat startled Blinken said, “I beg your pardon,” Snoop fired back, “That’s what I’m talking about! Nobody should have to beg for a pardon for a minor possession offense. It’s time to get on with the get-on and get this country back on the right track!”
From there, it was quickly decided that all federal offenders for simple marijuana possession would receive pardons, and that state governors would be urged to follow suit. The only question was when to announce the policy change. “One young aide thought it would be fitting to schedule the announcement for 4/20/2023,” said one source, “but then Sir Q said people can’t afford to wait another day in jail. Besides, Q added, “Cannabis is the most unifying influence in American life today. Do this a month before the mid-terms, and the country will rally behind you, Republicans will howl and everybody else will mellow about the economy.”
As one source claimed, Snoop chimed in: “A hundred years from now, people will remember the date of the Treehouse Summit and who made it happen.” Then he paraphrased Shakespeare:
“From this day to the ending of the world,
We shall be remember’d;
We few, we happy few, we band of brothers;
For he to-day that partakes with me
Shall be my brother:
And gentlemen in England now a-bed
Shall think themselves accursed they were not here,
And hold their manhoods cheap whiles any speaks
That smoked with us on Saint Crispin’s day.”
“I swear that happened,” one source said, not realizing that another witness had captured Snoop’s speech on cell phone video. “He stood up and recited the fucking St. Crispin’s Day speech, and Sir Q and Biden start weeping openly together, and then at the end the Secretary of State walks out with a whole backpack full of the SodBakers’ “Puff the Magic Dragon” product, saying “We happy few!” over and over again. I was there. It fucking happened.”
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