MCMAHON STUNNED BY WATT DEAL

Defensive end J.J. Watt rewarded his new team with an 80-yard pick six Sunday.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

In a rollicking presser this morning at the Barista Parlor in East Nashville, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon was in rare form, wearing his emotions on his sleeve, but also sticking it to his league rivals in typical fashion.

McMahon began the weekly media event by expressing condolences to the 12th Avenue Bakers for the loss of their beloved coach Rob Bironas, but since the Black Dogs play the Bakers this week, the coach's comments quickly turned from sympathy to mockery.

"I don't know who's on first," McMahon quipped, "but Watt's in East Nashville." He, of course, was making reference to the team's recent trade with Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, which landed them J.J. Watt, one of the league's best defenders.

"Since our game was already over, J.J. and I were hanging out at Club Gitmo during Monday Night Football the other night," the coach said. "He kept playing 'Rock the Casbah' on the jukebox in the Colt 45 Bar & Grill, and he would dance around — better than he does in that Verizon commercial — and sing along loudly when it got to the line, 'The Sharif don't like it.'" McMahon laughed, as did members of the media, at the thought of the giant defensive end dancing to The Clash hit.

"When they showed a replay of J.J.'s 80-yard pick six, I asked him what he was thinking as he ran down the field to the endzone," McMahon continued. "He said he felt like he was running toward a championship and away from an out-of-control dumpster fire on 12th Avenue."

At that point, McMahon turned the press conference over to Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan. "I just want to publicly express my thanks to QCurl for pulling the trigger on that trade," Ryan said with a huge grin. "When we lift the championship trophy at the end of the year, you'll be there with us in our hearts."

Reaction around the league to the news of the trade ranged from shock to outrage to laughter. When Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica heard about it, he joked owners would be lining up outside Bakers headquarters waiting for the doors to open. "You can get such good deals in Bakerville that my players are calling it the Stein Mart of the NFFA," Dominica said.

Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, who is traveling backwards through time, said it was the worst trade of all time in the NFFA, "and that includes the league's future history," he added.

Meanwhile, friends and teammates of Beelzebubbas backup quarterback Ben Roethlisberger expressed relief over the Bakers-Black Dogs deal. Earlier in the week, the Bubbas had proposed swapping Roethlisberger for Russell Wilson, but Sharif eventually rejected that idea. "When he thought he was going to the Bakers," said one teammate who wished to remain anonymous, "Big Ben said he would kill himself first, and we believed him. I'm so glad he's still with us."

McMahon fielded a few questions about East Nashville's win over Fidalgo Island the previous weekend. One member of the media asked his thoughts about scoring more than 200 points against the Sea Hogs. "Well, I always want to score the most points possible," the coach who has tallied the most 200-point games in NFFA history said. " Hell, I want 300 [expletive] points. Now that would be something.

"But I was surprised the Bakers didn't put up more of a fight," he added. When one of the reporters interjected, "You mean the Sea Hogs," McMahon said, "Oh, did I say Bakers? That's interesting. I guess the Sea Hogs reminded me of the Bakers because it was so easy — it was like they weren't even trying."

After a team PR man said McMahon would take one final question, a reporter asked whether the coach thought Watt could match his remarkable inaugural performance as a Black Dog this week against his old team.

"What are you talking about?" asked McMahon as a puzzled expression crept across his face.

"Um, you know," said the reporter, "can J.J. score another 22.5 points against the Bakers after they traded him to your team?"

"The Bakers traded J.J. Watt to us?" the coach exclaimed incredulously. "That's the craziest thing I've ever heard. Did Buddy give up our first-round pick next year?"

When reminded of the terms of the trade, McMahon once again shook his head. "That just blows my mind," he said. "I'm going to need a tray of margaritas to get my head around this."

And with that, the coach left the podium and headed for Rosepepper Cantina.