MEEMAW = THUR MURR? Art Bell claims Commish is imposter

Is Commissioner Murrman (left) in reality her great-grandson, Thurman Murrman?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

During his weekly “Bell-zebubba” call-in show early Monday, West Nashville team broadcaster Art Bell leveled a stunning accusation against the NFFA Commissioner: that she/he is a fraud.

According to Bell, whose radio show airs between midnight and 2 a.m. on Monday mornings, the person occupying the commissioner’s office is not Lorena “MeeMaw” Murrmann but her great-grandson, former Alamo Scouts owner Thurman Murrmann. The real MeeMaw, Bell said, lives in a nursing home in Alamo, Texas, where she is heavily sedated most of the time.

“How do I know?” Bell asked rhetorically over the air. “I know. A little bird told me. (Bubbas Director of Scouting) Ed Snowden told me. CurlBaby telepathically told me he saw it all from inside Shiva’s gullet. People would be at risk if I told you. It doesn’t matter how I know. I know.”

Bell claimed that, after selling his Alamo Scouts franchise to Dave Goodrow, who renamed it The Village Green, Thur Murr was consumed by resentment against Commissioner Bill Money, owner of the East Nashville Black Dogs, because the Black Dogs’ coach Jim McMahon routinely referred to Thur Murr as his “bitch.” According to Bell, Thur Murr also resented the league championships won by his uncle, Atlanta Smackdaddies owner Lex Dominica. “Thur Murr would whine, ‘He always treats me like a punk kid,’” Bell added.

Bell claimed he learned that Thur Murr hatched a plan to disguise himself as his ailing grandmother and then lobby league owners to name MeeMaw Murrmann as deputy commissioner of the NFFA. Following a mysterious head injury to Money, Murrmann took over his job as league commissioner.

Other than Dominica, only two current NFFA figures have seen MeeMaw Murrmann before she joined the league office. In town for a game against the Scouts, McMahon had breakfast at the restaurant she owned in Alamo, The Sunnyside Up, where he was served what he said Murrmann referred to as the special of the day, “huevos boberos.” Sea Hogs owner Tirik O’Bobber also met Murrmann in Alamo during the period he had assumed the identity of a border vigilante who called himself Bob America. However, following O’Bobber’s successful treatment for criminal insanity, the reclusive owner has said he has no recollection of meeting MeeMaw.

Several of the callers to Bell’s late-night show supported the host’s assertions about the commissioner’s true identity. “I can tell you it’s all true,” said one, who identified herself as Mo from Cashville. “Just follow the porn on the commissioner’s computer and the gay-looking pictures of Tim Tebow standing next to a cardboard cut-out of Jesus. The real MeeMaw is into violence, not pornography.”

When reached by phone this morning, Bell said, “The truth is out there. How Thur Murr fooled the powers that be in this league for more than a year, I don’t know. A lot of them have a very peripheral relation to reality to begin with, so that’s probably part of it. This whole league is like a big fantasy to them, except for Mojo D, who thinks it’s actually real.”

Commissioner Murrmann could not be reached for comment. A person who answered the phones at her office said she was in Alamo, making final preparations for the groundbreaking of the NFFA Hall of Fame, whose inaugural class includes Thur Murr and former Bakers coach Stumpy Legg.