Breaking news POP COMATOSE, CHROME MISSING

Kicker Rob Bironas will continue as acting head coach of
the 12th Avenue Bakers for at least one more week. 

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—12th Avenue Bakers' head coaching candidate Iggy Pop has been found unconscious in a Nashville area hotel room and Cheetah Chrome, another candidate, is missing. He did not show up for a scheduled dinner with acting GM Faith Popcorn last night in Germantown, and authorities have been unable to contact him.

It has been revealed that a half-empty bottle of Stoli was found in the room with Pop, but police are quick to point out that the longtime Stooges frontman brushed his teeth with vodka at one time in his career.

Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif has apparently joined in the search for Mr. Chrome personally, and has been seen driving up and down the Boulevard of Losers with CurlBaby. A giant facsimile of a marijuana cigarette, or "joint," has been mounted to the top of Sharif's Jaguar, and serves as a loudspeaker calling out to Mr. Chrome.

Chrome and Pop were named as frontrunners in the Bakers' coaching search, and Popcorn had indicated to some in the last few days that Pop had the inside track.

"We are concerned by the latest turn of events," Popcorn said this morning. "According to QCurl, Shiva is throwing furniture all about inside of Sharif's home and speaking in Russian. He's been staying there this week in an advisory capacity.

"Obviously, Rob Bironas will continue to coach the team this weekend."

When quizzed about the decision to leave quarterback RG III on the bench last night, Popcorn revealed that she, Sharif, and Bironas feel that he may spend the rest of the year on the bench.

"I consider him to be a loser," she said. "We beat the top team in the league without him, and QCurl and Bironas want to win — that's all. Just win."