The Midtown Mojo's latest coach, Otto Mattick
MOJO D SURFACES, NAMES NEW COACH
Mojo D tells new coach: 'don't unpack your bags'
By Soren Bernyn, Fantasy Sports News
In the increasingly unhinged world of the Midtown Mojo, naming a new coach is hardly newsworthy. But after a week in which the team scored a league-low 60.5 points, the losing coach's lifeless body was found on a golf course after "death by misadventure" with junkie chanteuse Amy Winehouse, and his own capture and exoneration, Midtown Mojo owner Mojo D held a raucous, expletive-filled confab for reporters at the Planet Mojo "Media Center" at Cabana in Hillsboro Village.
"Well [expletive] me in the neck — what a [expletive] week! I was looking forward to kicking back in [expletive] Vegas for the rest of the season" he started out. "I hire a guy I think can just let 'er roll, he gets spontaneous consciousness, loses the game by titanic [expletive] proportions, then [expletive] Amy Winehouse, who whacks his plastic ass.
"Well [expletive] me in the neck — what a [expletive] week! I was looking forward to kicking back in [expletive] Vegas for the rest of the season" he started out. "I hire a guy I think can just let 'er roll, he gets spontaneous consciousness, loses the game by titanic [expletive] proportions, then [expletive] Amy Winehouse, who whacks his plastic ass.
"Plus, those dumb-ass Barney Fife detectives said I was hiding out in a spider hole: [expletive] that [expletive]! I was just training for the g.d. Bacchanalia, and passed out somewhere in the neighborhood after three days — I think I'm just about ready." He continued, "I'm [expletive] offended that anyone would consider me a part of a [expletive] botched hit on Money — my people never would have screwed up something as important as that. It would have been up-close and [expletive] personal, and they would not have found a body. No surprise that Money and that simian [expletive] Jojo were in it together: those two [expletive]s deserve each other."
"But I digress..." his voice trailed off as he took a long drink from a gold chalice emblazoned with a diamond-studded "PIMP" — rumor has it that he swiped it from Snoop Dogg's studio at QCurl Sharif's last bender. When he continued, he was in mid-thought: "So after that, I figured a new coach was necessary, and I brought in another nobody who couldn't possibly screw up any worse than we have already — for chrissakes, we're in [expletive] Bakers territory with just two wins; and thank god for the Pompatus, or else we'd be winless — I asked her to come back to the sidelines, and she said 'No, No, No!'" Mojo D threw back his head and laughed silently at his own Amy Winehouse joke.
"So the new guy is..." Mojo D shuffled some Post It notes looking for a name, and continued "Otto Mattick! He's a moderately skilled bus driver who knows nothing about the game, and I told him not to unpack his bags — this is a pretty tenuous position. He said 'No problem, man — as long as I get paid in cash, no worries.' Clearly, a guy after my own heart."
The team has been burning up the waiver wire, dumping players, including stalwart running back Jamal Lewis. The owner said "It broke my heart, but that's just the problem, isn't it? Sentimental bull [expletive] is one of the many internal problems we've wrestled with this season -- it's too late to do anything about it now, but I figure if the Mojo can sweep the [expletive] Sea Hogs (with a win in week 14), we'll win a moral victory over the scourge of the league. The pestilence that trails behind the disgraced, criminally insane [Expletive] Formerly Known as Bob Hitler has infected the L division as a whole and explains our division's irrational suckiness."
"But I digress..." his voice trailed off as he took a long drink from a gold chalice emblazoned with a diamond-studded "PIMP" — rumor has it that he swiped it from Snoop Dogg's studio at QCurl Sharif's last bender. When he continued, he was in mid-thought: "So after that, I figured a new coach was necessary, and I brought in another nobody who couldn't possibly screw up any worse than we have already — for chrissakes, we're in [expletive] Bakers territory with just two wins; and thank god for the Pompatus, or else we'd be winless — I asked her to come back to the sidelines, and she said 'No, No, No!'" Mojo D threw back his head and laughed silently at his own Amy Winehouse joke.
"So the new guy is..." Mojo D shuffled some Post It notes looking for a name, and continued "Otto Mattick! He's a moderately skilled bus driver who knows nothing about the game, and I told him not to unpack his bags — this is a pretty tenuous position. He said 'No problem, man — as long as I get paid in cash, no worries.' Clearly, a guy after my own heart."
The team has been burning up the waiver wire, dumping players, including stalwart running back Jamal Lewis. The owner said "It broke my heart, but that's just the problem, isn't it? Sentimental bull [expletive] is one of the many internal problems we've wrestled with this season -- it's too late to do anything about it now, but I figure if the Mojo can sweep the [expletive] Sea Hogs (with a win in week 14), we'll win a moral victory over the scourge of the league. The pestilence that trails behind the disgraced, criminally insane [Expletive] Formerly Known as Bob Hitler has infected the L division as a whole and explains our division's irrational suckiness."
As for this week's game with the Atlanta Smack Daddies? "I guess a victory in Week 13 would sweep the Daddies this season, too, but I don't wish Lex Dominica anything worse than the usual. He actually represents our (expletive) division's last chance for respectability, and Lex is a worthy opponent — he can still kiss my white Mojo ass, though."
