Night of the Nut-Cutting???
By Bill O'Really, FAUX News
Nashvegas -- Americans awoke this morning to devastating news that threatened reproductive freedom everywhere. In what may soon come to be known as the "Night of the Nut-Cutting," several prominent Nashvegans were assaulted and maimed.
Nashvegas police held a press conference at 8 AM CST today to announce that four men associated with the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association were castrated in their homes overnight in what authorities believe was a series of coordinated attacks. The victims, all executives connected to the NFFA, were identified as Boyd X. Biggs, Buddy Ryan, Jim McMahon, and Willie D. Money. Biggs is owner and manager of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, Ryan is manager and McMahon is coach of the East Nashville Black Dogs, and Money is Commissioner of the NFFA.
The attacks were carried out in the middle of the night by a band of masked men. Currently, no evidence has been found to identify the perpetrators. However, sources close to the investigation speculate that the attacks may somehow be related to the recently reported castration of Triki Bobber, another NFFA team owner. The precise nature of the relationship is not known, and FAUX News has not been able to confirm whether Bobber was actually castrated. Bobber is currently cruising the Pacific Ocean in his yacht "The Fidalgo Clipper."
FAUX News has confirmed through multiple reliable sources, including Nashvegas police, that Biggs, Ryan, McMahon, and Money were in fact castrated. Although Ryan, McMahon, and Money lost only their testicles, the castration of Biggs was total - his testicles, scrotum and penis were amputated leaving him looking like a woman from the waist down.
Police were not able to locate the testicles of Ryan, McMahon, and Money, but Biggs' sexual organs were found in Biggs' home under a set of fingernail clippers suspected as having been used as the cutting tool. Doctors at Vanderbilt Hospital were unsuccessful in their attempt to reattach Biggs' sexual organs, as Biggs' penis and testicles were too small to accept a needle and sutures. Said one of the doctors, "I don't understand why they call him "Big Boy."
Doctors expect the victims to make a rapid recovery. The four men have already formed a singing quartet to help them cope emotionally with their new condition. Because of their high voices, they call themselves "The Sopranos."
Police are continuing to investigate the attacks.
