MONEY RESPONDS TO QUESTIONS OF COACH'S SEXUALITY
By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press
In a statement emailed to major media outlets late this afternoon, NFFA commissioner William D. Money responded to the recent FAUX News report alleging East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon is gay and questioning his job security.
The following is the full text of the commissioner's statement:
"I've spoken to Buddy Ryan, president of the East Nashville franchise, and confirmed that team policy bars discrimination against an employee because of his or her sexual preference. Of course, everyone should know that although I own the team, I have no control over the team. Five years ago, at the insistence of the former owner of the Atlanta Smack Daddies, I placed the team in a trust which since has been managed by Buddy.
"But even though I'm not running the team, I wanted to confirm that the team's policy prohibiting any kind of discrimination was still intact. And as I previously stated, it is.
"When I spoke to Buddy, I asked him if it would matter to him if Jim was gay, and he responded with a string of profanity which I took to mean no. I personally could care less who Jim is sleeping with as long as it isn't me. What matters most to me is that from the time Buddy hired Jim prior to the 2005 season to the present, the Black Dogs have won a championship and have been the highest scoring team in the league. Last season, they set an all-time mark for best regular season record (12-2). This year, the team is off to a 3-0 start. Seriously, who is going to have a problem with that kind of productivity?
"Do I need to remind everyone that this is a league with a history of strange and twisted coaches, including one who was a zombie; so even if Jim is gay, and I'm pretty certain he isn't, but even if he is, so what. He would still be a model citizen in comparison.
"I must add, however, that I totally disapprove of what Meemaw Murrman allegedly did to Triki Bobber. And if I had been Jim, I would have rushed to the nearest hospital to have my stomach pumped as soon as I heard that. But of course, I'm a vegetarian and Jim isn't."
The statement was signed: Commissioner William D. Money.
In a related note, Ryan posted a message on the league smack board today which read: "It is nut-cutting time in the NFFA."
