ANIMALS DECLARE WEEK ONE VICTORY DTA calls for Ballers RB Kerryon Johnson to be suspended

DTA wants Ballers running back Kerryon Johnson to be suspended before MNF.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE
Leon Sphinx
Cambridge Animals Media Relations

Following news reports of Boston Celtic Jabari Bird’s arrest for kidnapping, strangling, and otherwise abusing his spouse, Ballers RB Kerryon Johnson, Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal has called for Johnson to be suspended for violating the NFFA’s tough No-Victim No-Way policy. According to DTA, with Johnson's suspension, the Animals will win this weekend's game against the Ballers by no less than 152.5-151.2. 

The fact that Johnson was hospitalized led DTA to ask NFFA Commissioner Jim McMahon to levy the strongest penalty against him. “The NFFA stands by its policy of zero-tolerance for domestic abuse victims," DTA said. "We regret that the Pie Ballers must pay the price for their player’s victimization, but until the wall is finally built, I’m afraid there’s no other way to ensure that no victims or alleged victims ever touch the sacred turf of our league.” 

Lord Garmadon, rumored DTA consort and Lego antagonist, issued a statement suggesting that while the Animals regret winning this way, “until there’s a Lego wall built between every player and he/she/its spouse, there will simply be no end of victims coming into our league because domestic abuse victims are a problem that rules alone—even drastic ones—cannot solve.”