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| Cambridge fans took to the streets of Boston last night to celebrate the Animals victory over West Nashville which gave them their first NFFA championship. |
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
CAMBRIDGE—The champagne — the really good stuff — was flowing in Cambridge last night as the Animals and their fans celebrated the franchise's first NFFA title. The Animals claimed the 2015 championship with a hard-fought, low-scoring win against their (now) most-hated rivals, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, in an all-Jorge division final, 122.1-111.9. The Beelzebubbas were the runner-up for the second year in a row and the fifth time in the last nine years.
As the final seconds counted down, the packed house at Methlon Stadium chanted, "DTA, DTA," in salute to team owner Dave the Animal. DTA, flying high above the crowd on his signature hoverboard and wearing his signature flowing saffron robes, waved to the crowd while pouring what looked to be hundreds of pounds of a white powder over them, turning the whole scene into a sparkling white celebration of not only their victory but of the first product that lead to the Methlon empire and his general world domination. Behind him in a train of hover boards were, in order, Animals' Wunderkind GM/Coach Wilder the Animal; Jesus and Matthew Stafford, who appear to be separately incarnated again; the Dalai Lama; Methlon Genetics Lab's most recent creation, the horsedog, affectionately known as Animal the Animal; some brilliantly glowing golden mist-being presumed to be The Almighty, aka God the Animal; a large machine with flowing hair; all followed by dozens of tiny blue goats on tiny blue hover boards singing Methlon's national anthem, "O Awesome Awesomeness, Yes, The End Is Near." Seven of the blue goats had the heads of the seven other owners all linked to together with their noses pressed against the testicles of the goat/owner in front of them — all constantly circling DTA and chanting, "All Hail, DTA."
Fans not at the game spilled out of the bars along Mass Ave. into the street and headed toward Harvard Square, where the trophy ceremony was being broadcast on a giant screen from Methlon Stadium. On it, DTA's haunting and almost unbearable visage came to life: "People of Animal Nation and all other nations, behold your master, who holds your fate in his hands as tenderly as you normal humans cup the fragile eggs of Sharif-el-Bubbas during the Festival of the Coarse Hairsmas, that celebration of perpetual loss, suffering, and humiliation," DTA said. "But fear not, for today is the greatest of all days for the greatest of all teams, and I shall heap no further pain upon my enemies this day, henceforth to be called for all eternity "The Day that Proved The Animals Are The Greatest Team in NFFA History, Despite Science, Facts and All the Other Mumbo Jumbo The Holy Commissioner Is Constantly Yakking About Day" and each year, on what once was called December 28, citizens will be required to utter the name of the day ten thousand times while kneeling and bowing toward our corporate offices in Cambridge. And on this day each of my fellow owners shall be visited via drone by the Holy Golden Phallus of Fate so they may perform the required private rituals and remain forever mindful of the pain my victory causes them and will cause them for all times. Finally, I'd like to thank Jesus for stepping up at the last minute to once again defeat the Old Enemy, Matt Stafford for allowing his body to be possessed, all of our chemical engineers, the great state of Mexico for allowing us to test our products on their entire population for all these years, and finally, I'd like to thank the little elf who gave me one of those vibrating football games so many years ago that gave me all the knowledge I've ever had about this great game of ours ... ."
After the trophy ceremony, Wilder the Animal was overheard saying to his brother, "The crowd shouldn't have been chanting Dad's name, they should have been chanting mine. Dad hadn't won [expletive] until I took over."
And no doubt it was hard for the whiz kid to overlook the snub his father gave him in the postgame proclamation. "Since my dad's deification last week — well, it's gone to his head," WTA said. "The truth is he knows absolutely nothing about football; yes, he's a genius when it comes to curling, his favorite sport, probably the greatest curling mind in history, but that's it."
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