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| Due to allegations of cheating by Beelzebubbas QB Tom Brady (right), Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan (left) has filed a lawsuit to strip the Corsairs of the 2014 NFFA title. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
In a move that could force a recalculation of last year’s NFFA results, Black Dogs general manager Buddy Ryan has threatened to sue the league, alleging that his team is the rightful champion for the 2014-15 season.
Ryan’s claim stems from revelations that Beelzebubbas’ QB Tom Brady competed in the NFFA playoffs with illegally deflated footballs that gave his team an advantage in the semifinal game, in which the Bubbas defeated the Black Dogs 136.2 to 122.9. Ryan argues that the Bubbas should have been disqualified, advancing the Dogs to the title game. In that event, Ryan claims, his team would have been league champions, since the Black Dogs scored 167 points in the week of the final round, while the Downtown Corsairs, who claimed their second title in three years, scored only 161.
“This is an absolute [bleep]ing travesty,” said an angry Ryan in a phone interview Thursday. “We have a franchise owner who’s also league commissioner, and he lets this kind of [bleep] happen to his own team? Just because Old Man Linardo lets him drink for free at Club Gitmo? And because he thinks he needs to lick the mayor’s [bleeps] for political reasons, even though the mayor is a sniveling, mother[bleep]ing Corsairs fan? Bill Money is the one playing with deflated balls here if he doesn’t do something about this.”
Apparently caught off-guard by Ryan’s threatened lawsuit, NFFA Commissioner Money said on Friday that he would recuse himself from any decision about stripping the Corsairs of their title, since his own Black Dog team was involved. Later in the day, he announced that he would delegate the decision to Bakers owner QCurl Sharif.
That move, in turn, appeared to catch longtime observers of the NFFA off-guard. “Unexpected, puzzling and possibly brilliant” was how sportswriter Woody Larry characterized the choice. “Everybody knows that Sharif publicly hates the Corsairs and privately hates the Bubbas, so he could be seen as a neutral figure,” Woody wrote. “On the other hand, given Sharif’s history, there is a distinct possibility that the matter could go to the top of Sharif’s famous Not-To-Do list, which may be part of Money’s calculation. If it drags out for months, maybe it will all go away.”
Sharif could not be reached for comment Saturday. A person who answered the phone at the Bakers offices said the team’s owner was in seclusion at his West End Tree House, where he and ex-Monkees bassist Peter Tork were said to be working on a rock opera about his life.
Attempts to reach Bubbas owner Mos Ded also were unsuccessful, though it has been learned that “friend of the team” Saddam Hussein had contributed $1 million toward a legal defense fund for Brady. Sources said Hussein made the contribution directly to Brady, in the form of a gold brick, at Club Gitmo’s Abbottabad Bar. Hussein was later seen leaving the bar with Brady’s wife, Gisele Bündchen.
Meanwhile, word leaked that the Bubbas were preparing a lawsuit of their own — against the Cambridge Animals, from whom they obtained Brady in exchange for QB Drew Brees. The suit, said confidential sources, will allege that the Animals fraudulently deceived the Bubbas in the trade because they knew that Brady was cheating and that playing him could put the team at risk of forfeiting victories Brady helped win. One person within the Bubbas organization even suggested that the Animals, after the trade, tipped off league officials that Brady was using under-inflated balls during the playoffs.
Within hours after word of Ryan’s threatened suit reached the street, it was already having repercussions around the city. Scattered violence was reported in East Nashville’s trendy Five Points area, where hipsters have established a beachhead in erstwhile hostile territory for the Corsairs, at a Woodland Street club known as The Facepalm. MC Pee Pants, the club’s music director, said a band of “rowdies” stormed the club just before closing around 2:30 a.m. Saturday, overturning tables and breaking glasses. Several of the intruders, Pee Pants, noted, held black pit bulls on leashes, and at least one of the dogs urinated on a life-size cutout of Nashville Mayor Karl Dean.
Corsairs owner Mojo D could not be reached by phone. Sources said he was holding a fundraiser for mayoral candidate Megan Barry at The Palm, the team’s unofficial nightspot. Attempts to reach other league owners also were unsuccessful, but visitors to the Village Green’s website may have noticed a prominent banner that read, “Congratulations to Black Dogs — Rightful 2014 NFFA Champions.”
Ryan’s claim stems from revelations that Beelzebubbas’ QB Tom Brady competed in the NFFA playoffs with illegally deflated footballs that gave his team an advantage in the semifinal game, in which the Bubbas defeated the Black Dogs 136.2 to 122.9. Ryan argues that the Bubbas should have been disqualified, advancing the Dogs to the title game. In that event, Ryan claims, his team would have been league champions, since the Black Dogs scored 167 points in the week of the final round, while the Downtown Corsairs, who claimed their second title in three years, scored only 161.
“This is an absolute [bleep]ing travesty,” said an angry Ryan in a phone interview Thursday. “We have a franchise owner who’s also league commissioner, and he lets this kind of [bleep] happen to his own team? Just because Old Man Linardo lets him drink for free at Club Gitmo? And because he thinks he needs to lick the mayor’s [bleeps] for political reasons, even though the mayor is a sniveling, mother[bleep]ing Corsairs fan? Bill Money is the one playing with deflated balls here if he doesn’t do something about this.”
Apparently caught off-guard by Ryan’s threatened lawsuit, NFFA Commissioner Money said on Friday that he would recuse himself from any decision about stripping the Corsairs of their title, since his own Black Dog team was involved. Later in the day, he announced that he would delegate the decision to Bakers owner QCurl Sharif.
That move, in turn, appeared to catch longtime observers of the NFFA off-guard. “Unexpected, puzzling and possibly brilliant” was how sportswriter Woody Larry characterized the choice. “Everybody knows that Sharif publicly hates the Corsairs and privately hates the Bubbas, so he could be seen as a neutral figure,” Woody wrote. “On the other hand, given Sharif’s history, there is a distinct possibility that the matter could go to the top of Sharif’s famous Not-To-Do list, which may be part of Money’s calculation. If it drags out for months, maybe it will all go away.”
Sharif could not be reached for comment Saturday. A person who answered the phone at the Bakers offices said the team’s owner was in seclusion at his West End Tree House, where he and ex-Monkees bassist Peter Tork were said to be working on a rock opera about his life.
Attempts to reach Bubbas owner Mos Ded also were unsuccessful, though it has been learned that “friend of the team” Saddam Hussein had contributed $1 million toward a legal defense fund for Brady. Sources said Hussein made the contribution directly to Brady, in the form of a gold brick, at Club Gitmo’s Abbottabad Bar. Hussein was later seen leaving the bar with Brady’s wife, Gisele Bündchen.
Meanwhile, word leaked that the Bubbas were preparing a lawsuit of their own — against the Cambridge Animals, from whom they obtained Brady in exchange for QB Drew Brees. The suit, said confidential sources, will allege that the Animals fraudulently deceived the Bubbas in the trade because they knew that Brady was cheating and that playing him could put the team at risk of forfeiting victories Brady helped win. One person within the Bubbas organization even suggested that the Animals, after the trade, tipped off league officials that Brady was using under-inflated balls during the playoffs.
Within hours after word of Ryan’s threatened suit reached the street, it was already having repercussions around the city. Scattered violence was reported in East Nashville’s trendy Five Points area, where hipsters have established a beachhead in erstwhile hostile territory for the Corsairs, at a Woodland Street club known as The Facepalm. MC Pee Pants, the club’s music director, said a band of “rowdies” stormed the club just before closing around 2:30 a.m. Saturday, overturning tables and breaking glasses. Several of the intruders, Pee Pants, noted, held black pit bulls on leashes, and at least one of the dogs urinated on a life-size cutout of Nashville Mayor Karl Dean.
Corsairs owner Mojo D could not be reached by phone. Sources said he was holding a fundraiser for mayoral candidate Megan Barry at The Palm, the team’s unofficial nightspot. Attempts to reach other league owners also were unsuccessful, but visitors to the Village Green’s website may have noticed a prominent banner that read, “Congratulations to Black Dogs — Rightful 2014 NFFA Champions.”
Initially, the Corsairs were outraged at yet another misguided, jealous attempt to steal our crown. Then we were drinking with Tay-Tay, who reminded us just to "shake it off." - btw, Ryan's obsession with Brady's balls is a little creepy.
ReplyDeleteDrinking with Tay-Tay — now that's what I call creepy.
ReplyDelete