SHARIF LIVES, SAYS ATTORNEY

A cell phone photo shows an unidentified chimp driving a car in Kiev, Ukraine, 
which allegedly was carrying QCurl Sharif and Faith Popcorn.

by Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope
 

NASHVILLE — "QCurl Sharif is not dead," lawyer Mandrake Kirby said Friday in a small press conference held on the front steps of the Cherry Bomb Café. Kirby represents Mr. Sharif and the 12th Avenue Bakers organization, which Sharif owns.

Kirby felt compelled to speak following the news that Baker superfan Bill Cheatham was seeking to have the owner declared dead. It is Cheatham's contention that Sharif has been killed in the restive Ukraine. Kirby revealed that Sharif's absence has been the topic of much discussion within the Baker offices, but that "those truly in the know" are aware of Sharif's whereabouts and movements.  New coach Rob Bironas and former coach Snoop Lion attended the press conference, but did not speak. Kirby alluded to witness reports from Kiev in his statement.

"Mr. Sharif, Ms. Popcorn, and an unidentified 'pet or animal' have been seen in a Soviet-era 1980 Lada driving the streets of Kiev," Kirby said. "I have seen photographs that support the claims, although the 'pet or animal' appears to be driving and Mr. Sharif appears to be topless in each shot.

"Ms. Popcorn looks to be fully clothed ... for a change."

Cheatham's attempt to have Sharif declared dead comes from the superfan's desire — and the desire of others — to wipe the slate clean for the star-crossed organization, and to rid itself of Russian stakeholders. Nashville's Ukrainian ex-pat community supports Cheatham's actions.

According to Kirby, Sharif was asked to travel to the vulnerable country on the behalf of President Obama, a longtime friend. The White House has refused to comment, but acknowledges that Sharif and Obama have spoken in recent months.

"To declare Mr. Sharif dead without any proof, and to ignore eyewitness reports, is a ludicrous proposition," Kirby said. "I'm not worried about his lack of communication — I mean we've gone for weeks without hearing from him before, only to find out he was in The Treehouse, or that he literally could not speak. I must say, that after seeing these photographs — which are extremely confidential at this point — I am beginning to suspect the latter scenario.

"And, to speak to those names that have surfaced in regards to interest in potential ownership — well, I'll just say that Mr. Sharif has slept with each one on that list, and in one instance, two of the three at once. If, in fact, he were dead, it would be an insult to his memory for the Bakers to be owned by someone he paid to assault. And, in another instance, by someone he had paid to choke themselves while wearing a genuine Louis XIV wig. I've seen those photos, too."