JFK, MARILYN STEAL SHOW AT BACCHANAL X Dead president upstages live Elvis

Pussy Riot rocked the Parthenon Stage at the tenth annual Bacchanal to the Future.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Organizers of the tenth annual Bacchanal to the Future faced a stiff challenge this year: How do you top previous shows that featured an entrance by the Rolling Stones on elephants, Saddam Hussein and Bill Clinton sharing a stage, a re-enactment of the Lynyrd Skynyrd plane crash, a Beatles reunion facilitated by Shiva the Destroyer of Worlds, and a chariot race won by a reanimated Charlton Heston?

If eyewitness reports and cellphone videos are correct, the festival found a way — by bringing back John F. Kennedy to open the party.

Though rumors had swirled that JFK might make an appearance, the crowd estimated at 120,000 was stunned when people recognized the former president — in his first live public appearance since his assassination 50 years ago — in the opening ceremonies for the lavishly extravagant extravaganza.

In attending the Bacchanalia, Kennedy managed something he rarely accomplished in his lifetime: to steal a show from Elvis Presley, who headlined the event. While the crowd went wild for The King of Rock & Roll, who wore black and appeared svelte, some suggested that his performance was a bit anticlimactic after JFK.

“I’ve been working with an army of Nashville lawyers and Satan’s legal team for years trying to pull this show together,” said a stunned Col. Tom Parker, brought back himself several years ago by festival organizers to fight certain labor unions. “And JFK shows up! I mean, look at Elvis … he hasn’t looked this good since I caught him at The Butter Churn in Vegas with Ann-Margaret.

“But, JFK? No one’s gonna out-stud that! You saw the panties scattered about the Parthenon steps. That’s the type of thing that could turn the South blue again! Of course, Mr. Sharif and Mos’ Ded sign the checks. We would follow The Second Coming for this kind of scratch.”

Marilyn Monroe as Aphrodite.

Kennedy, as co-Grand Marshall, was driven in a chariot by actor Brian Cranston for the traditional rising of Aphrodite — with a reanimated Marilyn Monroe playing the part — in the Centennial Park bandshell. Kennedy and the nude Monroe were then escorted back to the west side of the Parthenon, where they were welcomed by emcee Haven Hamilton.

JFK reciting the Pledge of Allegiance.

Hamilton, who in previous years has always opened the festivities, deferred to Kennedy, who led the crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance, then said, “If this party had been around in 1960, I’d have been proud to be its nominee.” He also reminded attendees to observe the proper spirit of the event: “Ask not what this pahty can do fah you,” he intoned in Boston Brahmin accent, “but what you can do fah this pahty.”

At that point, Kennedy added that “Jackie sends her regrets,” and said he had been invited by co-host QCurl Sharif to “come downstairs and find out why we call it the Green Room.” As he exited amid thunderous roars from the crowd, the former president exclaimed, "Today, ich bin ein Beelzebubba! Ich bin ein Baker!"

Lester Chambers of the Chambers Brothers.

As Sharif and JFK descended via an elevator platform built into the stage, Hamilton introduced this year’s new-to-the-Bacchanal opening act, The Chambers Brothers, who performed their big hit from 1968, “Time Has Come Today,” which Hamilton said had been decreed by Sharif as the third Co-Official Bacchanal Theme Song. Monroe, now wearing a white satin evening gown, provided tambourine accompaniment, backup vocals and some of the wild shrieks that were always part of the song’s long psychedelic interlude.

“With the fiftieth anniversary of Dallas and all, getting JFK here just seemed right and important,” said co-organizer Mos’ Ded afterward. “Plus, this is the kind of party he’d have liked to have thrown back in the day if the White House pool area had been big enough. It was the least we could do for him. It was also a very sentimental day for Dr. Linardo. El Jefé said the last party he attended with JFK was the big sendoff bash before the Bay of Pigs.

“And Julia Roberts understood perfectly why, under the circumstances, we asked if we could bump her till next year in favor of Marilyn Monroe. Julia still got to hang with Johnny in the VIP Lounge, so it was all good.”

Almost lost in the historic weekend was the fact that the Bakers pulled a narrow upset over the Bubbas, effectively knocking them from the playoffs, reminding partygoers of the blood coursing in the ancient rivalry.

“It would have helped if we’d had Brees for the whole game,” said Bubbas’ coach Jerry Glanville afterward, referring to the team’s all-star quarterback. “Barris found him at the hookah bar in the Viva Shiva tent in time to get him back for the second half. But this is just a storied part of our organizational culture and tradition. Mr. Sharif and Mr. Ded have always made it clear to us coaches that the game is strictly an optional activity for the players during Bacchanal weekend, and we never want to change that. Let the football chips fall on the field where they may.”

The King!

Presley’s appearance, which occurred as the festival’s final act on day two, had been long rumored after the Beelzebubbas hired Jerry Glanville as their coach during the summer. Earlier in his coaching career, Glanville habitually left two tickets for The King at the will-call window before each game. He introduced him as “the man who changed everything,” before Presley, backed by Paul Schaeffer and his band from The Letterman Show hurled themselves into “Burning Love, “Jailhouse Rock,” “Viva Las Vegas” (sung here as Viva NashVegas) and “Devil in Disguise.” Monroe joined Elvis for a duet on “Love Me Tender” and “Teddy Bear.” The hour-long set was capped off by a rare Bacchanal appearance by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo  — almost unrecognizable in a white sequined suit and long bushy sideburns — who joined Presley on “My Way.” Then, in a surprise, Van Morrison walked onstage and serenaded Elvis with a soaring version of “Tupelo Honey” before The King, backed by The Mighty Clouds of Joy, closed his set with “How Great Thou Art.”

Afterward, Presley was escorted to a lower level of the Parthenon that had been retrofitted for the occasion as a replica of the legendary “Jungle Room” in his Graceland mansion. Holders of the festival’s All Excess passes, which included all but one NFFA owner, joined Presley there for a VIP reception also attended by Bacchanal guests Keith Richards, Saddam Hussein, Robert Griffin III, Drew Brees, Aaron Rodgers, actor Alfred Molina and Toronto mayor Robert Ford, who is rumored to be taking over as the late Tony Soprano’s successor with the Atlanta Smackdaddies.

Details from the two-day gala are always sketchy and depend largely on what attendees and reporters can remember. But FSN was able to piece together much of the event based on interviews with those who were present and relying on video footage that managed to survive.

The weekend’s other heavily anticipated appearance was by George Jones, who arrived at the Parthenon stage on a riding lawnmower — a moving tribute to the funeral procession that Sharif led from Nashville to Hohenwald following the country music legend’s death earlier this year. Jones, who had never played a Bacchanal before, drew sustained cheers from the crowd when he stepped up to the microphone and said, “I’m dead, but I love y’all!”

George Jones performing at Bacchanal X.

Over the next hour the Possum performed a bevy of his greatest hits, including “Why Baby Why,” “D-I-V-O-R-C-E,” and “If Drinkin Don’t Kill Me, Her Memory Will.” Changing a word from perhaps his most famous song, Jones explained that he was performing “He Stopped Loving Him Today” as a tribute to Sharif and Mr. TD. Sharif, whom Jones had called to the stage during the introduction, was seen sobbing uncontrollably during the song. To close the set on a different note, Jason Ringenberg and Warner Hodges joined Jones for a piledriving, punkabilly version of “The Race Is On.”  The song, meant to herald the imminent start of the annual chariot race, not only brought the crowd to its feet but apparently drove several hundred of them to run riot across 27th Avenue and destroy the ChristianMingle.com pavilion that had been erected in the Springwater parking lot.

Concerned for his safety, Sharif’s Israeli-trained praetorian guard rushed Jones to the stage elevator and escorted him down to the VIP Lounge, where he was later seen relaxing with Vice President Joe Biden, Fox News host Megyn Kelly, Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, Bakers superfan Powers Boothe, and actor Robert “Wild Wild West” Conrad.

Jones was followed by a long-anticipated performance from the Russian all-girl punk band, Pussy Riot, who owed their presence to interventions with Sharif’s Moscow investors by Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn and General George Washington Leonard. Cheers from the crowd lasted a full five minutes before the band was able to launch into Ubey seksista (“Kill the Sexist”), “Kropotkin Vodka,” and “Release the Cobblestones.”

Halfway into their set, Natalie Maines — rumored to be a leading candidate for 2015’s Grand Marshall — brought the Dixie Chicks onto the stage as the Russians and Americans together performed “Not Ready to Make Nice” and “Goodbye Earl,” which were dedicated to Vladimir Putin. Then the Riot girls returned to a set of their explicitly anti-Putin songs that included “Mother of God, Put Putin Away” and Putin Zassal (“Putin Is Wetting Himself”). Members of the Gazprom delegation on the VIP Reviewing Stand became noticeably agitated as the crowd roared its approval.

Several subsequent performers joined the theme — most notably, Eminem, who began his set by announcing, “Putin is a pimp.” Later, after ousted Bakers coach Snoop Lion joined the Detroit rapper onstage, things began to get ugly when Eminem denounced Sharif and “a little faggot named Calvin Broadus” for “taking up residence in Putin’s ass.” The two men came to blows before the Beelzebubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security forces could pull them apart and lead them offstage as Haven Hamilton tried to divert the crowd’s attention by singing the National Anthem.

Tensions from the Russians’ presence spilled over into other areas as well. According to reports, several members of the Beelzebubbas’ marketing staff got into a brawl with Russian guests during a private party at Sharif’s West End Treehouse. Two Russian diplomats were reportedly treated for cuts and a concussion at St. Thomas Hospital after Anton Chigur, the Bubbas’ VP for Community Outreach, broke bottles of Grey Goose Vodka over their heads.

“All in good fun,” Sharif said later of the incident. “My partners are an emotional bunch, and very loyal to Putin. In fact, their ultimate aim here is to bring him another ring.

“When the vodka started flowing, they apparently attempted to lure a West Nashville intern into a game of chance, one in which she might have agreed to carry someone’s child.  One of their marketing guys took offense, and that’s when the knives came out.

“Personally, I think that sort of thing just adds to the jam. And, I think things were a little edgy because of the loss, and that anthrax / cocaine mix-up over at Rotiers. Everyone was a little frayed by the time they hit the Treehouse.”

Back at the Parthenon, the crowd saved one of its most raucous welcomes for a re-reanimated Warren Zevon, who took an assassin’s bullet last year that was meant for Sharif. Zevon ran through an hour-long set of his signature hits. One of them, with the words changed to “Werewolves of 12South,” was dedicated to his old friend. On perhaps his most anthemic song, shoppers in Hillsboro Village, one mile away from Centennial Park, could clearly hear the audience shouting with the music, “Send lawyers, guns and money; the shit has hit the fan!”

On Saturday afternoon, Sharif granted Zevon’s re-dying request a year ago and allowed him to drive the Bakers’ entry in the annual Bacchanalia Chariot Race at the Centennial Park Hippodrome. While Zevon finished half a length behind the Beelzebubbas’ “Mustang Ranch” chariot — driven this year by a reanimated Steve McQueen — he did manage to use his bladed wheels to devastating effect, overturning the zebra-powered ride of Jack White, who miraculously suffered only a sprained ankle and minor abrasions in the crash.

“You know — this is what the league is really about,” a giddy Sharif said later. He held a glowing CurlBaby in his arms throughout most of the public events, allowing for countless photo-ops and occasional spontaneous healings. “I know we’re about to crown a new champion, but for pure NFFA identity, this is the game that sets the tone for everything we do. On this weekend, we are one seething organism and the game itself becomes a religious expression. I think the people that have been attending these for years, have reached a certain level of enlightenment.”

Among the other highlights of Bacchanal 2013:

•    Donovan Leitch, longtime friend of Dr. Linardo, who was joined onstage by longtime friend of the Bacchanal William Shatner. While Donovan, backed by Schaeffer’s band, played, Shatner provided his unique spoken-voice stylings to “Atlantis” and “Mellow Yellow.”

•    Sir Elton John’s emotion-laden performance of “Rocket Man,” which he had dedicated to his friend Sharif.

•    Bacchanal perennials George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars’ traditional rendering of “One Nation Under a Groove.”

•    The debut appearance of the Pogues, joined by the Dropkick Murphys, who together performed, in their original order, the songs from the Pogues’ “Rum Sodomy & the Lash.” On the finale, a still weeping Sharif provided the accordion on the doleful “The Band Played Waltzing Matilda.”

•    The ebullient set by first-time Bacchanalian Jimmy Cliff, who opened with “You Can Get It If You Really Want” and “I Can See Clearly Now.” After “Rivers of Babylon” and “Bongoman,” Sharif and Village Green owner Dave “Goodrow” Goodridge joined him for “The Harder They Come,” before Katie Perry, wearing a Jamaican flag dress, accompanied them both on “Many Rivers to Cross.”

•    A reanimated Rick James, whose one-song set was an electrifying version of “Super Freak,” which ended abruptly as James announced it was time to “get with the bitches and the green caviar.”

•    The full-on, 20-minute assault-by-guitar performance of the Outlaws’ “Green Grass and High Tides,” featuring a stage full of Southern rock icons including Barefoot Jerry, Molly Hatchet, Black Oak Arkansas, the Drive-By Truckers, Marshall Tucker and three of the Van Zant cousins, with Sod Bakers president Nate Newton manning the tambourine and jew’s harp.

•    By popular demand, the Village People returned, fronted once again by Goodridge. This year, Goodrow appeared disoriented, yelling “YMC Hammer” instead of the lyrics to the group’s trademark song, and wandering offstage two-thirds of the way through “Macho Man.” Goodrow and Green coach Stuart Smalley later were found by Black Dogs owner Bill Money passed out next to the Roman Vomitorium by the east entrance of the Parthenon.

Near midnight on Saturday, all the performers, as well as JFK and Miss Monroe, joined on one stage to close the show. Mos Ded thanked the crowd for coming before asking Sly & the Family Stone to lead everyone in “Thank You (Falettinme Be Mice Elf Agin),” one of the other co-official theme songs of the Bacchanal. Then the festival closed with the traditional singing of “The Night They Drove Ole Dixie Down” and “Will the Circle Be Unbroken?,” led by Presley.

“It’s going to be tough to top this one,” Ded told the crowd in closing. “I don’t want to start any rumors, but don’t be surprised if Nelson Mandela and Hunter Thompson are up here a year from now.”