POPCORN NAMED HEAD OF BAKERS’ OPERATIONS; SNOOP FIRED

QCurl Sharif thinks new GM Faith Popcorn may be the answer to the Bakers' woes.

By Man Ray Natural
The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE —  In the wake of his team's seventh loss of the year, and in what could prove to be the worst season in 12th Avenue Bakers’ history, owner QCurl Sharif has gone into hiding, and handed the reins over to PR maven Faith Popcorn. Following the Bakers’ loss in Cambridge on Sunday, Sharif fired coach Snoop Lion and named Popcorn as acting GM.

“She deserves a shot,” Sharif said, in a rare 2013 interaction with the press. “The way she’s been treated over the years — that scene in the bunker — I think she might be the answer. I’ve got nothing right now.”

As Sharif left the stadium for the Boston airport, reporters quizzed him on reports that Snoop had been stabbed on the sidelines at the end of the game.

“Better than poisoning him, which is what my Russian partners were wanting to do,” Sharif said, before correcting himself. “I mean, Yuri said Snoop should be poisoned — not to actually have him poisoned. I’m over it now. I’m putting all my faith in Faith.”

Popcorn is no stranger to the league, having served as consultant and then full-time head of PR for the Bakers for many years.  She is known for her visionary cultural perception, and for once having a body that broke New York City.

A recent Los Angeles Times entertainment section article, following Popcorn's predictions over a period of five years, credited her with identifying trends such as “food coaches” and “transcouture.” In her latest Popcorn Report, she predicts that we will own our own androids soon, won't see humans driving buses, at supermarket check-outs, or serving up fast food. They'll be replaced within the next two years by colonies of androids who can walk your dog, or fight your war.”

She is also quoted, offering a prediction that “mechanized hugging booths” will replace old pay-phone stations in larger cities as part of a cultural trend toward more physical contact. She’s also said that 1950’s slang will make a big comeback, and that advances in genetics will allow people to custom-design pets with bits of their own DNA, so their dogs and cats will resemble them. Other predictions include lingerie infused with "neuro-chemicals" to enhance confidence, and new demand for "retort coaches" to help people sharpen their wit. 

To Bakers’ fans, the lack of a visible presence from Sharif this year, and the abysmal record, has led to the rise of many rumors. According to Popcorn, there is reason behind Sharif’s low profile. He has recently become a devoted follower of Eckankar, and a disciple of Fubbi Quantz.

“QCurl loves the teachings of Fubbi and believes the path to his own enlightenment will lead to enlightenment for the Baker franchise,” Popcorn said recently from a comfortable, private room at the Cherry Bomb. “He wants to become an Eck Master.  He has asked me to begin the search for a new coach, effective immediately, and has also entrusted me with player personnel moves. Let’s just say that if Trent and C.J. perform as badly off the field as they have been on it, they won’t be wearing the Baker blue much longer.”

On-again-off-again Bakers’ kicker Rob Bironas has been named interim coach for this weekend’s game against the Atlanta Smackdaddies.

“QCurl and I went over a gameplan with Sunshine last night, and we’re pretty comfortable. I mean, how could this get any worse?”

Sharif has communicated to the team’s fans through an open letter to The Dope, in which he quoted the lyrics of the Chambers Brothers’ song “Time Has Come Today”:

Now the time has come (Time)

There's no place to run (Time)
I might get burned up by the sun (Time)

But I had my fun (Time)

I've been loved and put aside (Time)

I've been crushed by the tumbling tide (Time)

And my soul has been psychedelicized (Time)

Popcorn acknowledged Sharif’s fragile state.

“He has been blindsided by this showing, and the Russians have no patience for the Baker Way,” she said, referring to his rather unconventional approach to the game. “They’ve driven him to a deeper search for the team’s truth.

“It’s my job to produce. And one thing that shuts up a comrade, is a decisive win — that and three fingers of vodka. We’ll give them both this weekend.”