BAKERS BLAMED FOR WALL STREET CRASH
Sign of the Apocalypse, Says ‘Newest, Biggest Fan’ Robertson
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News
Word of a second straight victory by the 12th Avenue Bakers to open the season hit U.S. financial markets like a ton of bricks Tuesday, leading to a 500-point plunge and the failure of the venerable Wall Street firm Lehman Brothers. Meanwhile, to avert a global financial meltdown, the federal government announced an $85 billion bailout of AIG, the world’s largest insurance company.
As the mood of shock and gloom covered lower Manhattan like the dust cloud of 9/11, police and fire crews were called out to rescue at least five hedge fund managers from high window ledges. On the streets, many well-dressed executives could be heard muttering, “[Expletive] Q-Curl.”
How could two victories by an NFFA team create such uproar?
“You have to understand, this is a team whose first-half record for the past three seasons was 1-20,” said Fed chairman Ben Bernanke in a hastily called press conference. “We’ve built a lot of safeguards into the financial system, but no one saw this thing coming.”
In addition, say some analysts, it appears that Lehman and perhaps other banks had created murky investment funds based on legal sports gambling. These so-called “Q-funds,” in turn, were heavily loaded with bets against the Bakers.
In the past three years, the Q-funds, whose performance soared as the Bakers’ on-field fortunes tumbled, delivered average annual returns of 800 percent. “A lot of us thought betting against the Bakers was safer than T-Bills,” said one despondent Q-fund manager. “I guess what happens in Vegas should have stayed in Vegas.”
The Bakers’ resurgence is also having a profound effect in the religious community. Rev. Pat Robertson, who once called for the assassination of Q-Curl Sharif (who was known as GQ Denney at the time), now describes himself as the Bakers’ “newest, biggest fan.”
A smiling Robertson said on his 700 Club show yesterday, “It has been revealed to me through study of Holy Scripture, that the 12th Avenue Bakers will be God’s instrument to bring about the blessed apocalypse of judgment and destruction. Remember that 12 is a holy number in the final book of Revelation, and recall in the first book of Genesis the story of Pharaoh’s baker, who was beheaded according to the interpretation of his dream by Joseph. God has commanded us to cheer on the Bakers this season.
“Also, it has been revealed that for the End Times to come, it is not the Temple in Jerusalem that must be rebuilt but the Cherry Bomb Café. If you will send your love offerings to me, I will forward them to Q-Curl Sharif for the rebuilding of the Cherry Bomb.”
The Bakers’ ticket office also confirmed late yesterday that Robertson had purchased a luxury suite at Grey Goose Stadium.
The news set off chaos on 12th Avenue. On Tuesday, after reports of boisterous Bakers fans torching what superfan Bill Cheatham called “yuppie mobiles” in Midtown, Mojo fans set fire to the unsanctioned frame for a new Cherry Bomb that Bakers fans had built overnight after the team’s first victory.
In response, Bakers’ fans allegedly burned Mario’s Ristorante, a well-known, upscale Midtown establishment which closed about six months ago. Cheatham, however, claimed that the arson was actually the work of vindictive Mojo fans, who Cheatham says discovered that restaurant proprietor Mario Ferrari was actually a Baker fan.
“I don’t know what’s gonna happen next,” said an obviously stressed Metro police chief Ronal Serpas. “This is obviously uncharted territory. I’ll say this: If this ain’t the End Times, I’d hate to see what the real ones look like.”
Serpas turned away from the TV cameras at that point, but could be heard muttering as he left, “We never shoulda let the Bakers and Mojo bring in those damn monkeys.”
As the mood of shock and gloom covered lower Manhattan like the dust cloud of 9/11, police and fire crews were called out to rescue at least five hedge fund managers from high window ledges. On the streets, many well-dressed executives could be heard muttering, “[Expletive] Q-Curl.”
How could two victories by an NFFA team create such uproar?
“You have to understand, this is a team whose first-half record for the past three seasons was 1-20,” said Fed chairman Ben Bernanke in a hastily called press conference. “We’ve built a lot of safeguards into the financial system, but no one saw this thing coming.”
In addition, say some analysts, it appears that Lehman and perhaps other banks had created murky investment funds based on legal sports gambling. These so-called “Q-funds,” in turn, were heavily loaded with bets against the Bakers.
In the past three years, the Q-funds, whose performance soared as the Bakers’ on-field fortunes tumbled, delivered average annual returns of 800 percent. “A lot of us thought betting against the Bakers was safer than T-Bills,” said one despondent Q-fund manager. “I guess what happens in Vegas should have stayed in Vegas.”
The Bakers’ resurgence is also having a profound effect in the religious community. Rev. Pat Robertson, who once called for the assassination of Q-Curl Sharif (who was known as GQ Denney at the time), now describes himself as the Bakers’ “newest, biggest fan.”
A smiling Robertson said on his 700 Club show yesterday, “It has been revealed to me through study of Holy Scripture, that the 12th Avenue Bakers will be God’s instrument to bring about the blessed apocalypse of judgment and destruction. Remember that 12 is a holy number in the final book of Revelation, and recall in the first book of Genesis the story of Pharaoh’s baker, who was beheaded according to the interpretation of his dream by Joseph. God has commanded us to cheer on the Bakers this season.
“Also, it has been revealed that for the End Times to come, it is not the Temple in Jerusalem that must be rebuilt but the Cherry Bomb Café. If you will send your love offerings to me, I will forward them to Q-Curl Sharif for the rebuilding of the Cherry Bomb.”
The Bakers’ ticket office also confirmed late yesterday that Robertson had purchased a luxury suite at Grey Goose Stadium.
The news set off chaos on 12th Avenue. On Tuesday, after reports of boisterous Bakers fans torching what superfan Bill Cheatham called “yuppie mobiles” in Midtown, Mojo fans set fire to the unsanctioned frame for a new Cherry Bomb that Bakers fans had built overnight after the team’s first victory.
In response, Bakers’ fans allegedly burned Mario’s Ristorante, a well-known, upscale Midtown establishment which closed about six months ago. Cheatham, however, claimed that the arson was actually the work of vindictive Mojo fans, who Cheatham says discovered that restaurant proprietor Mario Ferrari was actually a Baker fan.
“I don’t know what’s gonna happen next,” said an obviously stressed Metro police chief Ronal Serpas. “This is obviously uncharted territory. I’ll say this: If this ain’t the End Times, I’d hate to see what the real ones look like.”
Serpas turned away from the TV cameras at that point, but could be heard muttering as he left, “We never shoulda let the Bakers and Mojo bring in those damn monkeys.”
