FURIOUS GEORGE DEAD OF BROKEN HEART
Blood tests inconclusive
By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR Director
NASHVILLE — Furious George died of a broken heart. So says 12th Avenue Bakers medical examiner Dr. Yuri Borzov, who performed the autopsy on the chimp who had become the moral backbone of the franchise.
"He was a sensitive beast," said Borzov today from his temporary office in back of the 12th Avenue Taproom. "I saw nothing unusual in his blood tests. His opiod levels were five times that of human tolerance, but this was low compared to what I got for his physical last year. I detected just three illegal substances ... also down from his physical. I will say he was legally drunk at the time of his death but I don't think that had anything to do with it. He certainly smoked too much but he had the lungs of Johnny Weismiller."
Lightposts along 12th Avenue, and up and down Music Row have remained draped in black crepe since news of George's death rocked Nashville. Bakers owner Q. Diddy met with fans and reporters in front of the old site of the Cherry Bomb Cafe after the autopsy results were released. He addressed the somber crowd with a shaky voice but grew stronger after a little girl presented him with flowers and a stuffed chimp dressed in George's signature Maurice Chevalier striped coat and straw hat.
"When we abandon art in favor of selfish pursuits we always lose," said Diddy, leering at the small and emotional group. "Furious lived within the ether ... he was my brother and he led me into the sun. I am forever destined now to follow a faded vessel, one wrapped in gossamer and meant for other worlds. I am hollow."
Unable to answer questions, he and recently reinstated head coach Snoop Dogg, ducked into a waiting car and drove north toward the city on the fabled Boulevard of Losers. Funeral arrangements remained incomplete.
"He was a sensitive beast," said Borzov today from his temporary office in back of the 12th Avenue Taproom. "I saw nothing unusual in his blood tests. His opiod levels were five times that of human tolerance, but this was low compared to what I got for his physical last year. I detected just three illegal substances ... also down from his physical. I will say he was legally drunk at the time of his death but I don't think that had anything to do with it. He certainly smoked too much but he had the lungs of Johnny Weismiller."
Lightposts along 12th Avenue, and up and down Music Row have remained draped in black crepe since news of George's death rocked Nashville. Bakers owner Q. Diddy met with fans and reporters in front of the old site of the Cherry Bomb Cafe after the autopsy results were released. He addressed the somber crowd with a shaky voice but grew stronger after a little girl presented him with flowers and a stuffed chimp dressed in George's signature Maurice Chevalier striped coat and straw hat.
"When we abandon art in favor of selfish pursuits we always lose," said Diddy, leering at the small and emotional group. "Furious lived within the ether ... he was my brother and he led me into the sun. I am forever destined now to follow a faded vessel, one wrapped in gossamer and meant for other worlds. I am hollow."
Unable to answer questions, he and recently reinstated head coach Snoop Dogg, ducked into a waiting car and drove north toward the city on the fabled Boulevard of Losers. Funeral arrangements remained incomplete.
