SHIVA, DENNEY RETURN, THREATEN SATAN

Shiva the Destroyer, the 12th Ave. Bakers' original mascot, is shown here stepping on the back of GQ Denney as he appeared at the scorched site of the Cherry Bomb Cafe last night.
SHIVA, DENNEY RETURN, THREATEN SATAN
Enlightened owner promises victory; one 'helluva show'

By Hunter Thompson Gunn, BTG News

NASHVILLE — In a stunning appearance last night on 12th Avenue, Shiva the Destroyer returned to the site of the Cherry Bomb Cafe with a naked Bakers owner GQ Denney in tow. They hovered over the site for several minutes attracting onlookers from the various bars and restaurants that dot the avenue.

Shiva spoke to an estimated crowd of 200 in seven languages at once, prompting at least one observer to expose her breasts and proclaim herself as his bride. Others, including Bakers' head coach Pacman Jones, claims to have understood the message telepathically.

"Heshee said heshee is the giver of life and the destroyer as well in full circle of neverending ecstasy," said Jones. "He also guaranteed a win over the Beelzebubbas this week and said Satan is truly insignificant ... so insignificant that he swears he will destroy him if he performs at the Bacchanal. Man it was beautiful. Then he said we will join as one...I don't think he meant literally at least I hope not..he's a big heshee."

Bakers PR maven, Faith Popcorn, confirmed that Denney had indeed returned and stayed in her home last night. She said he has not spoken of missing player Marvin Harrison, but did reveal that he had summoned Shiva to Four Corners, north of Taos, to help him out of a jam.

"They go way back," she said. And then, after being informed of Jones' comments to the press, she was more circumspect. "That thing about neverending ecstasy should not be interpreted as a literal bottomless barrel of the drug for revelers at the Bacchanal. We want this thing to evolve into a more family-oriented event, though I realize this will never be Disneyland."

Upon saying the word 'Disneyland', Popcorn turned into a giant emerald bird and attacked this reporter. Fortunately, she was subdued by Denney who was sitting in on the interview. He was wearing a bright chain similar to one Jones had been wearing earlier. The emerald bird seemed mesmerized by the chain.

"I'm back," said Denney. "We have unfinished business here. The city will be bumping come Sunday, kickin out the universal jams. Our relationship with Boyd X. Biggs and the entire Beelzebubba's organization is strong and we are looking forward to getting down. I just got in so I haven't seen the entire lineup for the Bacchanal and I really appreciated the Beelzebubbas carrying the water up til now. I do know the Dead Southern Rockers are looking forward to this as well as Haven Hamilton. Satan I'm sure has been working on his act ... I don't want this Shiva thing to get blown out of proportion. I think it's just the buttons talking. ..And don't be surprised if Marvin doesn't show up for a Marvin Gaye tribute. I'm just saying."

Some tickets remain for the infield at Centennial Park. Contact either team's front office for more info.

NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN BAKERS BLAZES

This puzzling photo has surfaced in the last 24 hours of a hostile priest bearing a resemblance to missing Bakers owner GQ Denney. Denney has not been heard from in over a week. Devin Hester, one of the other two missing men, has surfaced in Amarillo, Texas. BTG/WIRE

NEW DEVELOPMENTS IN BAKERS BLAZES
Hester found, mystery photo surfaces

By D.David Halberstam, BTG News

NASHVILLE — Vigils and political grandstanding aside, the case of missing Bakers owner GQ Denney and the suspended player Marvin Harrison took another strange turn Tuesday when a photo was sent to league headquarters that strongly resembled the missing owner. The person is seated, dressed as a priest and making an obscene gesture to the camera.

The other missing player, Black Dogs star Devin Hester, apparently walked naked into an Amarillo police station around midnight Tuesday, local time. He was to be transported to East Nashville post haste after initial questioning. Amarillo police said Hester appeared to be disoriented but otherwise unscathed.

No new information regarding Denney or Harrison has been released. The Bakers front office adamantly denies the man in the mystery photo is Denney.

“This is not GQ,” said Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn. “I’ve known him for years and he always throws the bird with the other hand. And besides what motivation could he have to surface in such a way? He’s already pissed off every religion under the sun. This is so obviously a staged setup by someone trying to make a name for themselves. And if you notice this guy’s only shot from the upper body. All of Q’s identifying marks are below the waist.”

Added to this twist were several “sightings” of Harrison and Hester, all reported at gas pumps fueling up Denney’s paisley Hummer. The ATF and FBI are reportedly viewing security footage from three locations that stretch west from Hohenwald to Taos, New Mexico. One theory, from an agent who did not want to be identified, is that the three escaped the blaze and for their own reasons remained underground. They hope with Hester now in hand the questions will be answered.

Unfortunately, this story has overshadowed the impressive 227-point performance the Bakers hung on the Alamo Scouts this past weekend. It was their first win this season and the first in as many tries for new head coach Pacman Jones.

“All I can think about right now is Atlanta,” said Jones, who has visited Ground Zero several times this week in search of his ‘magic chain.’ He was with the three men earlier on the night of the two fires. “I’ve said I don’t know shizzle about that. When they broke out the blowtorches and the Touchdown Tasers™, I hit the rizzle.”

*Correction- An earlier posting identified Snoop Dogg as the former Bakers head coach whom Jones replaced. It was Randy Warhol. BTG News apologizes for the error.

THREE MEN STILL LISTED AS MISSING

Furious George, shown here backstage at a past Bacchanal Europe celebration, has
arrived in Nashville to aid in the investigation of the two Baker-related fires.


THREE MEN STILL LISTED AS MISSING
Branding ritual possible clue in fires

By D.David Halberstam, BTG Times

NASHVILLE — As the investigation into two horrific early-morning fires that destroyed the infamous Cherry Bomb Café and the Hohenwald farm owned by 12th Avenue Bakers honcho GQ Denney continues, information is slowly coming forward. And the picture of a distraught and diseased man is emerging. The picture of a man with an apparent predilection for living, eating and sleeping with chimpanzees, a man with various addictions and great appetites. But, as Furious George — the cousin of the late Baker mascot Mr. TD — has pointed out to the media, Denney is a man with a heart as big as Africa.

What authorities now want to know is if that heart is as dark as the Dark Continent itself. Denney, Black Dogs star Devin Hester, and the suspended Marvin Harrison are missing as a result of the two fires, though no bodies have been recovered. Reportedly, a melancholy Denney attempted to party with the two players, new Baker head coach Pacman Jones and several unidentified women following the Bakers loss to the Mojo Monday night. No one saw the men leave although a witness has come forward in Hohenwald that claims she danced for the men around 3 a.m. in the infamous re-animation laboratory. She is being held in protective custody and unavailable to the press.

According to Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn, the three were most likely involved in one of Denney’s signature “branding” ceremonies that involves hot irons and yojimbe. There has been some speculation that the fire there may have been started in such a manner with the three incapacitated from the yojimbe and unable to keep it from spreading. Other speculation has focused on insurance fraud and an astronomical bet the owner had lost. It is now being reported that the bet would have been forgiven.

“My cousin has shown me photographs from one of these branding ceremonies,” said Furious George through a translator. “They were quite graphic, but as we say in France ‘how can you understand a man until you have seen him naked and in great pain.’ I will not judge him if this is how he dies. My fear is that there are outside forces at work here who would like to see harm come to him. The other two gentlemen may have simply been in the wrong place at the wrong time, and of course, unable to move.”

Police are also checking in to unsubstantiated reports that Hester and Harrison have been seen after the fire fueling Denney’s paisley Hummer at a backwoods Lewis County market. It has also been noted that an underground tunnel between Denney’s farm and The Farm in Summertown, founded by Stephen Gaskin, may have existed in the early 1970s.

“We’re being methodical with this,” said an ATF investigator who preferred anonymity. “We’ll find ‘em dead or alive … but one fact will remain unchanged — the Bakers still suck.”