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| Nigel Farage has taken aim at the London Bakers. |
By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya
FSN Sports
In a move that threatens the sustainability of the NFFA, a prominent British politician has introduced a bill that would give Parliament sole authority to hire and fire coaches of the London Bakers.
Nigel Farage, MP for Clacton and champion of the controversial Brexit movement, filed the bill Wednesday morning in the House of Commons. The legislation is believed to have the backing of Prime Minister Keir Starmer.
“It is readily apparent that the choice of convicted felon Martha Stewart as head coach of the NFFA team representing London has been a disaster not only for the Bakers but also for the reputation and standing of the United Kingdom,” said Farage in a hastily called press conference outside Westminster Hall. “Players and fans are afraid of walking the streets lest they be accosted and bullied by Mrs. Stewart. Even the Bakers’ owner—the man who faced down Putin—has gone into hiding. London has not known such fear since the days of Sweeney Todd and Jack the Ripper.”
In the wake of Farage’s press conference, Commissioner Bernie Sanders convened an emergency Zoom meeting of the NFFA Security Council, comprised of the league’s five founding franchises. PR Maven Faith Popcorn represented the Bakers in the absence of owner QCurl Sharif, who, according to one report, has fled to a scientific station in the British Antarctic Territory.
“This is an attempted coup by pro-Trump Tories,” Sanders declared in a brief statement, “and such a dastardly and unprovoked assault on our sovereignty will not survive the furious wrath of the legions of NFFA fans in the UK and around the world.”
It was unclear, however, whether the attempted takeover of hiring authority is purely about political partisanship. While Farage is a pro-Trump Conservative, PM Starmer heads a Labour Party government. Former Prime Ministers Rishi Sunak and David Cameron, both Conservatives and prominent Baker fans, quickly denounced Farage’s bill.
“This whole swoggle is redrawing traditional battle lines and threatening to tear the country apart,” said one British political scientist and royal watcher, who requested anonymity, citing his fear of Stewart. “Starmer desperately wants to improve relations with Trump, and since Trump hates the Bakers, he sees this bill as a cheap way to curry favor. So he and Farage have become Procrustean bedfellows on this issue despite their general loathing for each other.
“If Elizabeth were still the monarch, she’d have used her backdoor channels and considerable influence to nip this mischief in its nascency. It has never been publicized, for obvious reasons, but Elizabeth once confided to her driver that Sir Q was the son she wished she’d actually had. King Charles thinks Trump is a boobie, but he also harbors jealousy toward Sharif, and besides all that, Charles has his royal hands full trying to contain the fallout from his brother’s connections to Jeffrey Epstein.”
Complicating the issue for Baker fans is the undisputable success the team has enjoyed, winning three game in a row and moving into second place in the Jorgé Division standings since Sharif went into hiding. Bill Cheatham, who heads the Baker Nation Fan Club in the U.S., publicly called this week for Stewart to receive a generous contract extension.
“Sharif and Snoop were Chaos,” Cheatham said. “Martha is Control.” Any move in the UK to replace Stewart, Cheatham added, threatens to drive a wedge between the Bakers’ Euro and American fan bases, known affectionately on both sides of the Atlantic as “the Fellowship of the Bong.”
Reached early Thursday afternoon by FSN, former Baker coach Snoop Dogg replied by email to a request for comment: “My heart hurts for my brother Q, fashizzle. I deeply regret the emotional damage he suffered when I made peace with Trump to win the interior design contract for the new White House Banquet Hall. I wish we could just sit down right now over a healing bowl of green caviar. I miss my brother.”
This is a developing story.
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