LIVE BLOG: Ballers’ Christmas Playoff Extravaganza @ the Linardo Lounge

By Soren Bernyn 
FSPN

The NFFA media horde received an interesting text message on Christmas Day from Ballers’ owner/GM Mojo D: “Celebrate the Ballers’ playoff victory at the Linardo Lounge on Boxing Day. Don’t miss it - WILL BE WILD.” Here we go…

7:00

Rhonda Santis is warming up the crowd with the off-color trolling and observations that are making my new FSPN colleague a rising star - no NFFA team is spared, and the crowd is getting loosened up with tonight’s playoff signature cocktail: the Ballers “Bold”-Fashioned. At the center of the room, a shirtless, dreadlocked Rasta stoked the pride of the Linardo Lounge: The Avalo: an industrial hookah named for Avalokiteshvara, the thousand-armed Bodhisattva of Compassion. Bushels of OG Kush are turning into a thick miasma that is levitating the crowd hitting the thousand pipes.

7:25 pm

Mojo D welcomes the assembled throng to the Linardo Lounge - he is wearing a Santa outfit, a 4-day beard and impossibly bloodshot eyes. “Friends, enemies, hangers-on and of course, the one and only Rhonda Santis: I am so glad we are all here together to celebrate another Ballers trip to the NFFA Championship game. This marks the team’s seventh trip to the finals in the last 10 seasons - whether Corsairs or Ballers, my teams are built for the playoffs. We have only missed one playoff in the past decade, and this is when the team rises to the moment.

“I realize the semifinal game is not yet complete, but I have never been known for my patience. I have all the respect I can muster for Lex Dominica and the Daddies: they had a terrific regular season, but in the end, Lex is still on a quest for 'one for the thumb' - he's gotten close twice now -- but it’s hard to overcome a 3-INT defensive day, plus season highs from my WRs. And Joe Burrow: good God, y’all! Come on up here, Joe Cool!”

Burrow took the dais to raucous applause - many of the attendees wandered down from the Club Gitmo Sports Book, where Burrow is a hero for his uncanny ability to cover. Mojo D threw his arm around his QB, grabbed the mic and suddenly got emotional. Through choked-up tears, the Ballers GM said “this guy was clutch all year - he is latest link in a chain of excellence that has defined this Dynasty for over a decade. Yeah, I said it: the ‘D word’ - is there anything else you would call a team that wins more championships over the last ten seasons? This isn’t just some drunken ranting - well, actually it is, but it is also facts, man! The data tells you all you need to know!!” 

The Monday night game was kicking off, and Mojo D added: “Derwin James is taking us over the 200 mark tonight: get the kitchen working on that 2-Hundy platter for the Ballers.” Ballers PR advisor Rosetta Stone whispered in his ear, and he quickly added: ”oh, and the Bubbas can pick up theirs at the takeout window.”

8:18 pm

(At right: Mojo D caught in a vulnerable moment)

Mojo D is raging in a bad way — Derwin James flagged on successive plays. On the second one - a clearly illegal shot to the head — James was ejected after a personal foul flag. The penalty drops the Ballers from 201.2 points to 199.7. LB Bobby Wagner (“the heart and soul of the Ballers” said Mojo D) loses his shit after promising the team’s first 200-point game in 2022: “that dirty motherf*cker: I will completely f*ck him up next week: it don’t matter that we both play defense!” Burrow went to calm him down without much success.

Mojo D sulks into the corner - he’s mumbling about “missing a 2-hundy because of that dirty punkass sack of shit”). The Add/Drop window is open on his laptop - James is highlighted. 

Aides guide him to an spare arm of The Avalo, and after a few minutes with the Ballers faithful and a few puffs of dank bud, he returns and is generously glazed. “That sucks - I won’t lie. There’s something magical about 200 and we have been over 197 twice this season, but we are still moving on to the Championship - I can only pray that Goodrow and the Green take as much care next week with their lineup as they did this week” (the Green started DB Cameron Dantzler, who was listed Inactive on Saturday).

9:28 pm

The fourth quarter of a lackluster Monday game is underway, and Linardo Lounge is LIT. It looks like a fog machine has malfunctioned and the floor is sticky with bourbon, Christmas candy, sweat and other bodily fluids. Mojo D has chosen this particular moment to do a needle drop: the game goes off the 42 screens around the room, a spotlight goes up on a disturbingly disheveled Mojo D, who intones into the mic amid screeching feedback: “friends, I can’t wait any longer to whip this thing out…”

The crowd gasped as Mojo D reached into the waistband of his Santa suit and pulled out a remote control, which he pressed dramatically. Confetti showered the crowd and a ginormous shroud descended from the ceiling; fireworks go off, the shroud drops to reveal a giant logo:

Mojo D continues: “Ladies and gentlemen and everybody else too, I bring you the next generation of fantasy-sports programming: FSPN. From quality content about every fantasy sport’s studs and scapegoats, to comprehensive, compulsive coverage on every form of gambling, FSPN is the fantasy fanatic’s voice and the official network of the greatest league in the history of sport: the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association. We are pleased to announce that programming will launch January 1st with a live feed of the 2022 NFFA Championship!”

On second thought, they should have done the fireworks first: there are small fires throughout the Lounge where the sparks have ignited the confetti.

10:22 pm

It’s official! The Ballers will play their Divisional nemesis, the Village Green, for the 2022 NFFA Championship in Week 17. To add to the drama, the game will not be decided until next Monday, when Burrow, Tee Higgins and the Ballers wrap up the 2022 season in the final matchup of the week. Asked for comment, Mojo D offered a snarl and slurred in his best Tony Montana voice: “We kept Lex from getting his ‘one for the thumb’ AGAIN, and now we’re gonna crush up the Green like the fragile little cockaroaches they are - Woodrow, Goodrow, Stuart Smalley, the whole f*ckin’ lot of ‘em!” He tilted his head back, laughed silently and then passed out into the arms of the mysterious Miss Lee-Yhn, aka the Pompatus of Love and purported muse of the Ballers franchise. She directed Wagner, Burrow, and the Smiths (Roquan and Devonta) to "get him back to the Bitcoin Bunker: chop-chop! And for the rest of the you," she said, smiling sweetly, "you don't have to go home but you can't stay here."

The Linardo Lounge soundtrack shifts to a groovy lo-fi downtempo sound, the lights come up a little and the stoned masses head for the exits (actually, most of them are heading back to the Sports Book - rumors are that Saddam is feeling generous with his west-coast NBA spreads).

An epic start to NFFA Championship Week - stay tuned to FSPN!

2023 PLAYOFF PREVIEW with Rhonda Santis

By Rhonda Santis

FSPN

Ed. note: Rhonda Santis (xe/xer/xem/xers) is a contributor for the recently launched FSPN (Fantasy Sports Programming Network) content mill. Xe has been a mainstay at the West Nashville Library Drag Queen/Drug King Story Hour, and offers xer unique take and insights on the NFFA. Some of these comments were part of her post-Story Hour set at the Linardo Lounge at Club Gitmo.

It's playoff time, bitches! Let’s preview the playoff games:

Daddies v. Ballers

The Daddies are on a roll and the Ballers struggled to get into the playoffs. The Ballers are young, scrappy and hungry but just don’t have Championship horsepower without a star WR (Cooper Kupp’s Week 10 injury changed their fortunes drastically). But Mojo D’s teams are built for the playoffs - they have made it to the second season 9 of the last 10 years, and vied for the Dead Lombardi Trophy in 6 of those seasons, scooping up 3 rings along the way. Ballers will need luck as much as anything to return to the finals.

But luck has illuminated the Daddies entire 2022 campaign - how else does the #7 scoring team in the league also have the best record? Savvy and timely free-agent pickups kept them on top, but will they have time for that now? I see Lex Dominica recently made himself pope of some backwater Texas sand-hump - it makes me think he hasn’t gotten rid of the syphilis he picked up in Matamoros; in its tertiary stages, delusions of grandeur are common. I'll talk sh*t about him for the clicks, but honestly, there's nobody closer to the drag queen ethos than Lex: the sombrero and velvet warmup suits? Slay, queen - I have makeup tips when you're ready!

Hate to bet against the Ballers in a playoff (especially since Mojo D is bankrolling me), but I’m taking the Daddies in this one.

Bakers v. Green

It has been said that the Bakers’ back-to-back Jorge Division championships are a sign of the end-times, but let’s face it honey, there’s always something portending the end-times in the NFFA: a league built on curses invites that kind of cosmic interference. The Bakers are on a 4-game win streak and executed the rare feat of a sweep of their division in the 2022 season. Bakers are indubitably the sentimental favorite here since they have never won an NFFA Ring (not to mention Q Curl Sharif’s growing global superstardom and the inexplicable Ukrainian nipple-ring craze), but the data don’t support the sentiment.

The Village Green are currently a juggernaut - as long as Mahomes is healthy, the Green can win. And with the Green’s loaded backfield - including Goodrow’s hopelessly-devoted-to-you man-crush Saquon Barkley - getting off, it has been a happy time in the Village. Look for the good times to continue to roll at the Goodrow-a-Go-Go: I might even get up and sing “You Ain’t Woman Enough to Take My Man…”

And let’s review the losers’ bracket too. 

Chin up, baes - you get the first picks in the 2023 draft!

The Animals just aren’t even trying - it’s very sad: only two seasons removed from their improbable championship and they can only muster 3 wins. Wake up, DTA, WTA, ZTA and the rest of you filthy animals! It’s time to stop f*cking that GOAT  - move on!! Does all this go back to how the Animals dissed the Curse of the Champion? Maybe Wilder needs to lock DTA in the basement again...

The rookie Midtown Browns are the odd team out in the dominant Linardo Division, but they had no chance to win it all because of the aforementioned [cue 'pay no attention to the man behind the curtain' voice] Curse of the Champion. Even with the best QB in the league, key injuries to stars hurt their chances to put together a string of wins, but yeah, the Curse is undefeated. Need proof? Swept by the lowly Animals: ‘nuff said. Consolation: we SO love the vintage, throwback aesthetic...

The Beelzebubbas are an enigma wrapped in a warm, flaky pastry. On the outside, it looks amazing, but the the insides are inconsistent. After a weak start, the team rolled up three 200+ point games, including the historic #1 scoring game of all NFFA time [259.2 pts in Week 8]. But hear this - and listen close, bitches - the only reason they are not in the playoffs is their .2-point loss to the Bakers in Week 1, which was because of a .5-point scoring adjustment by Elias. Sources close to the Bubbas indicate there will be an investigation into Elias’ actions. Those same sources report that team management, particularly Meta World Death, are “butt-hurt.”

Speaking of butt-hurt, this season was painful for the storied Black Dogs franchise. Still alive for the playoffs in Week 15 and — even with their opponent’s alleged technical difficulties with setting a lineup — the team could not take care of business and wound up in 3rd place in the Jorge Division. Good news, Money: you're in 3rd draft position for 2023!

Merry Christmas, Happy Hanukkah and Blessed Kwanzaa, my sweets - stay fabulous!

BAKERS APPARENTLY IN Team owner Sharif flees the country

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif addressed the media Monday morning from historic Warren Tavern in Boston. He was accompanied by longtime legal advisor, Judge Naomi Morningstar.

Man-Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

CAMBRIDGE—In a dismal war of attrition, the London Bakers have earned the team's second straight division title in spite of a potential, and depressing, loss suffered at the hands of the Cambridge Animals, an opponent who had come into the game winless in the Jorge Division this year.

The possible loss would be the first divisional blemish for the Bakers in 2022. In spite of the pedantic showing amid what owner QCurl Sharif described as poor game-time lineup awareness, the team has apparently backed into the No. 2 overall seed, becoming the first division champ to land in the playoffs with a losing record in NFFA history. The East Nashville Black Dogs technically have a mathematical chance at usurping the title, but would require a 40+ point performance by wide receiver Christian Watson tonight to secure.

"Here, against this setting, it is appropriate to reflect upon the fact that we survived another brutal year in the league—especially in the cutthroat confines of the Jorge tribe," Sharif said, in close company with star-crossed Obama-era Supreme Court nominee Naomi Morningstar. She and the Bakers' owner spoke to reporters from the Warren Tavern in Boston, where they appeared to have awakened unexpectedly.

"History is palpable here, in this bar. I was informed by a patron in the wee hours that this may be the oldest pub in America. Certainly the oldest in Massachusetts. He also informed me that the Bakers have not, in fact lost the game at this point. I said to him, and I'll say to you, that even a narrow win over the Animals in this day and age, is a loss."

The two chose to remain seated at the table adjacent to the bar itself, and Sharif appeared to have a black eye. Ms. Morningstar spoke only once, to order a raw egg and tomato juice from the kitchen. She sat stoically, in what appeared to be a shimmering, diaphanous evening gown by Dior. A report by the Guardian earlier in the year had linked the two romantically, though both Sharif and Morningstar both denied the rumors. Sharif also appeared to be wearing a diaphanous evening gown, but from a different fashion house — House of David.

"Our good friend, and poet, David Daniel, owner of the Animals, brought us here for what we understood to be a 'fashion show' fundraiser for a worthy cause," Sharif said. "However, when we arrived, he excused himself momentarily and we found ourselves in what I'll politely refer to as 'rough company' for the rest of the evening. As always, Ms. Morningstar has handled the situation with dignity and aplomb."

Sharif indicated he would depart for London today, before knowing the outcome of the game.

"No matter how this shakes out, we'll fight with all we have," Sharif said. "Except for the matching handbag that goes with this outfit. It's headed to Odessa."

DADDIES, GREEN PUNCH THEIR PLAYOFF TICKETS Bakers, Ballers, Black Dogs battle for final two spots

London Bakers head Coach Snoop Dogg has a reason to smile. He has his team on the brink of a second consecutive Jorge division title.

By R.E. Porter

Associate Web Press

The Boca Chica Daddies and the Village Green have locked down two of the spots in the 2022 NFFA championship playoffs, although it’s not yet clear which of them will be the Linardo division champ and number one seed, and which will be a wild card team.

In the Jorge division, the London Bakers are in the driver’s seat in their battle with the East Nashville Black Dogs for the division title.

As for the other wild card berth, the Ballers have the inside track, while the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, Midtown Browns and Cambridge Animals all have been eliminated. The 3-11 Animals have clinched the first overall pick in the 2023 draft.

Here’s an overview of the division races and the playoff scenarios:

The Daddies (10-4) control their own destiny. If they defeat the Browns this weekend, they clinch the Linardo crown and the number one overall seed. If they lose and the Green (9-5) beat the Ballers, both teams will have identical 10-5 records, and the Green will win the division on the first tiebreaker, head-to-head record, as they swept the Daddies during the regular season. If the Green win the division, the Daddies will grab the first wild card spot and the number three seed.

Like the Daddies, the Bakers (7-7) control their own destiny. If they beat the Animals, they will clinch their second consecutive Jorge title and the number two seed.  According to rumors on the dark web, a Bakers win will trigger the End Times. If the Bakers lose to the Animals and the Black Dogs (7-7) knock off the Beelzebubbas, the Black Dogs will win the Jorge division and second seed, and the Bakers will be eliminated from playoff contention.

As far as the final wild card berth goes, the Ballers (8-6) also control their own destiny. If they defeat the Green, they will clinch the final wild card spot and number three seed after sweeping the Green. The Green would drop to the four seed. Even with a loss to the Green, the Ballers will still clinch the final spot if either the Bakers or Black Dogs lose. But if the Ballers lose and both the Bakers and Black Dogs win, the Black Dogs will clinch the final wild card berth by virtue of sweeping the Ballers in the regular season and the Ballers will be eliminated.

DOMINICA REPUBLIC? Daddies owner breaks with Musk, declares independent state

The Boca Chica Daddies have cut all ties with Elon Musk.

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a media event that veteran sports journalists described as “out there, even by NFFA standards,” Boca Chica Daddies owner Lex Dominica announced that his team was cutting all ties with Elon Musk, effective immediately. Then, in response to the plaintive urgings of employees of Musk’s Space-X complex, Dominica told reporters, “Hang on, I’ll be back” – and returned two hours later to declare himself the founder of an independent republic.

Even before the news conference was called, rumors had been swirling that the Daddies, who moved from Atlanta to Boca Chica Beach in 2020, would sever their relationship with Musk, whose erratic behavior since his takeover of Twitter has alarmed employees and public alike. So few were surprised when Dominica, dressed in one of his trademark velvet leisure suits and a gold sombrero, stepped up to the podium and said, “I’ve decided to make a change. Elon Musk is no longer a part of the Boca Chica Daddies. And vice-versa.”

Flanked by longtime Daddies philanthropic leader and organization outreach leader Algernon “Alge” Crumpler, Dominica explained what had transpired over the past month inside the sleepy coastal village known as Boca Chica, Texas.

“Elon’s foolhardy purchase of Twitter and his bat-shit crazy antics cavorting all over the galaxy gave us no choice but to remove him from our organization,” Dominica continued. “Simply put, anyone dumb enough to spend $44 billion on a social media platform with the first syllable as “twit” and name his new son A-XII, or whatever, is not in sync with the values and traditions of this organization,” he said. “We cannot afford to be associated with someone who takes the title of Chief Twit. It’s bad for our team’s brand and bad for football.

“And besides that, he’s not half as smart as he projects himself to be. He bought the McLaren F1, the fastest car in the world and immediately wrecked it, the owner added, shaking his head. “He wasn’t going to be allowed to do the same thing to the highest scoring and most envied franchise in the history of this league.”

As Dominica began to explain that the Daddies, exercising an option in their original affiliation agreement, would buy out Musk’s share of the team and take full ownership of the stadium and entertainment complex at Boca Chica, Space-X employees who had crowded into the back of the room began calling out, “Help us, Lex! Don’t leave us here with Elon!”

One employee, producing a bullhorn, shouted, “We’re like the guards at the witch’s castle! Take us with you, Dorothy!”

After excusing himself to reporters, Dominica walked to the back of the room and spoke briefly to the employees, who followed him out. When they returned after an absence of nearly two hours, Dominica strode to the podium and said, “We have an update.” Then he announced that the Daddies were effectively annexing Space-X, as well as miles of surrounding land, and proclaimed the territory as the Free Republic of Dominica.

“Together with the employees of Space X,” he said, “Alge and I have determined that it is in the best interest of all parties if we take these companies, this village and the entire stretch from the Ship Channel to the Rio Grande, and from Boca Chica Beach to the Port of Brownsville, and form an independent state. We have engaged citizens, we have port facilities, we have rockets, and we have a can-do attitude, and we will also have two U.S. senators after we gain admission as the 51st state.”

Reporters sat agape at the announcement. “Got-da-amn!” exclaimed Scott Van Pelt on ESPN, which was covering the event on live TV.

But Dominica was not done. After noting that Twitter would be blocked in Dominica and Musk would be arrested if he set foot on the territory, the Daddies owner continued: “I’m also pleased to announce that the Space-X employees have just voted to unionize and have elected Alge as the company’s new CEO and board chair. And in his first act, Alge has shattered the corporate glass ceiling by naming the first all-female C-suite, with the obvious exception of himself, of course.”

The gobsmacked press corps gasped as the hulking Crumpler stood up, ripped open his black and red velour track suit with” Big Daddy” emblazoned on the chest to reveal a colorful, all-encompassing tattoo with the outline of the new territory and the words ‘New World. New Conquests.’ Crumpler flexed his chest pecs to reveal a pulsating Space-X rocket on a launchpad straddled by what appeared to be Boca Chica cheerleaders.

After the crowd had quieted and those who had fainted were revived, the new corporate chief spoke.

“It’s all about love, harmony and beating down those bitches in the NFFA,” said Crumpler, who retains his role with the Daddies along with his new position with Space-X. “We’re gonna build a society that is devoted to the greater good for all. We only use force when necessary or someone requests it. Our goal is to provide those we employ and those who want to work with us a better way of doing things.”

Dominica moved next to Crumpler and simply said: “It’s play-off time,” before concluding in Spanish, “¡Traerlo, perras!” (which translates into English as, “Bring it, bitches!”).

And with that, Dominica and Crumpler left the building and walked out into the bright sunlight that prevailed across the world’s newest republic.