JOE COOL TO THE RESCUE Rex Ryan announces Joe Montana as Black Dogs' new offensive coordinator

Joe Montana has agreed to become East Nashville's offensive coordinator.

By R.E. Porter 
Associated Web Press 

At a Zoom press conference earlier today, East Nashville head coach Rex Ryan announced he has hired hall of fame quarterback Joe Montana as the Black Dogs' new offensive coordinator.

“I am thrilled to announce that the legendary Joe Montana will be joining our staff as the new offensive coordinator,” Ryan told the members of the media who were participating on the Zoom call. “He's already talked with both our quarterbacks by phone and is traveling to Nashvegas today. That’s why he wasn’t able to join us.

“It’s no secret we need to score more points," he continued. “The Smack Daddies have raised the bar another notch when it comes to offense, and we think Joe can help us catch up.”

The announcement came as Ryan and his brother, Rob, who is the team's defensive coordinator, are under fire not only for the Black Dogs' 0-3 start, but also because of a video released yesterday by TMZ Sports that showed the brothers roughing up a Buena Vista fan at a downtown restaurant. 

Veteran NFFA reporter Woody Larry asked the head coach if the Montana announcement was really just to distract attention from questions about the video. “First of all, Woody, that video of the discussion Rob and I had with that little Baller bitch has nothing to do with it. We're 0 and 3, and we aren't scoring enough points to win. We think Joe can help us with that. It's not fucking rocket science.”

Sources inside the Black Dogs organization told AWP there was a lot of yelling and door slamming at team headquarters earlier this morning. Team owner and former longtime commissioner Bill Money was on the premises, which is a rarity these days. Rumors were flying that the Ryan brothers were going to get the axe, that new commissioner Bernie Sanders was threatening to fine the Ryans and the team over the video broadcast by TMZ Sports, and that even the Money sisters, team president Cash and general manager Mo, might get fired by their father. 

Rumors are already swirling that bringing in Montana as offensive coordinator is just the first step toward him taking over as the team's head coach. AWP will have more on this story as it develops.

RYAN BROTHERS INVOLVED IN FIGHT ON LOWER BROAD

 

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

TMZ Sports has released video of a fight at a venue somewhere on Lower Broad in Nashvegas earlier today involving East Nashville head coach Rex Ryan and his brother/defensive coordinator Rob Ryan. 

According to an employee at the venue, the coaches took exception to something a Buena Vista Ballers fan said. “It all happened pretty quickly,” said the employee, who asked to remain unnamed in part because the employer wasn't enforcing the mask mandate. “The Ballers fan said pretty loudly that he thought the Black Dogs are gonna lose by 40 or 50 points tonight, at which point the Ryan brother with the long hair, I get those guys mixed up, pushed the dude, and the brother with the short hair stood up and said something to the Ballers fan that I didn't quite catch; I think it was something about his punk ass. Then he threw a margarita on him. And that was a Morning Glory,™ so it wasn't cheap. Of course, since the Ryan brothers are in here all the time, the management had the Ballers fan and his friend removed.”

Neither the Ryan Brothers nor the Black Dogs organization have responded to inquiries from the AWP regarding the encounter.  More on this breaking story as it develops.

IRON MIKE STORMS OUT OF BALLERS' WATCH PARTY, DELEGATES NEW COACH

New Ballers coach "Mystery" Mike Tyson says "I'm ready for the challenge"

By Søren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

After an epic lineup failure led to the team's ignominious loss to the Cambridge Animals in Week 2, new Buena Vista Ballers coach Iron Mike Tyson stormed out of the team's watch party at Club Gitmo's Bitcoin Bunker.

On his way out, he stopped briefly to vent on "the joke that is Mojo D -- I'm trying to coach using data and strategy, and he comes around and changes the lineup with shit like 'high upside' and 'play the matchup.' It's a wonder the team keeps going to the playoffs: those other teams must have really sucked."

The Champ continued: "He treats me like it's a f*cking joke, so I'm delegating coaching duties to my animated alter-ego, 'Mystery' Mike Tyson (from the critically acclaimed Adult Swim series Mike Tyson Mysteries)." He stepped into his Bugatti Veyron and sped off, leaving the Ballers' faithful gob-smacked and wondering what will happen with their team this season - after predicting a repeat championship in 2020, the team has slipped to 0-2 and now has a cartoon coach.

Some wags commented that Mojo D has always been a cartoon character, so this is not too different. To this reporter's knowledge, the NFFA has never had an animated cartoon-character coach, but this is 2020, and nothing is off the table.

Stay tuned to this breaking story...

DTA ADMITS TO POSING AS HUMAN Cambridge owner fired by Trump ‘with extreme prejudice’

There's always been something a little different about Dave the Animal, immortalized above in the logo for the third annual Bacchanal to the Future.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a startling development that sent shock waves throughout the NFFA and beyond, Cambridge Animals owner and university professor Dave the Animal admitted Monday morning that he is not fully human.

DTA’s stunning admission came via a series of tweets, all written in verse. The first one reads: “In a time of racial reckoning / The truth is out there, beckoning. / I can no longer hold it back / Many human genes I lack.”

DTA went on to admit that he had kept the secret even from his own children, Wilder the Animal and Zuma the Animal, and from Sir QCurl Sharif, who was raised alongside him during part of their childhood in an orphanage in Kolkata, India.

“I’ve been living a lie / but you’re bound to know why,” began another tweet in the series. “My conscience begged with me / To reclaim my integrity.”

The admission had immediate repercussions politically. Within the hour, President Donald Trump announced that he was firing DTA from his position as “drug czar” heading up the administration’s Covid-19 task force. “Lying is unacceptable,” Trump tweeted. “When I heard about it, I said terminate the SOB. Terminate WITH EXTREME PREJUDICE!”

Later, at a hastily called White House news conference, Press Secretary Kayleigh McEnany said, “Mr. Animal really made the decision for the president when he fraudulently passed himself off as a white male to claim white privilege that never was his. Last time we checked, there’s a reason it’s called WHITE privilege. By definition, it applies only to white people, not non-white non-people.”

Controversy also erupted on the campus of Fairly Ridiculous University, where DTA holds endowed professorships in Poetry and Pharmacological Philosophy. By Monday afternoon, the Union of Concerned Graduate Students was calling on the university to strip DTA of his tenured status. “This is really about irrevocable erosion of trust,” said Heather Heatherton, president of the FRU chapter of the UCGS. “With so many white people trying to pass themselves off as Black as a way of engendering sympathy and trying to conceal their privilege, if you were one of those white people, what a clever strategy it would be to claim you lied about being human so you could then lie about being non-human and then engage in all kinds of cultural appropriation in your work. Isn’t it obvious what Professor DTA is doing? If the houndstooth jacket with elbow patches was a lie, then everything is a lie. Students looked up to him because he said he travelled here from the future to tell us that everyone in the future was gay. Now our faith in the future is diminished, and we are bereft.”

FSN has learned that DTA’s revelation came in the wake of an as-yet-unaired episode of “Finding Your Roots,” the PBS program hosted by longtime Animals fan Henry Louis Gates in which historians and genealogists research the ancestry of famous personages. According to two sources within PBS, who requested anonymity because they were not authorized to speak on the matter, a routine analysis of DTA’s DNA revealed only a 92% match with the genome of homo sapiens. “He’s not just post-racial like he has always claimed,” one source said; “he’s actually post-human. You might say that Dave the Animal really is Dave, the animal.”

SADDAM RELEASES 2020 BETTING ODDS ‘Still year of the Baker,’ says Gitmo Sports Book

2020 championship odds from the Club Gitmo Sports Book.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

The Club Gitmo Sports Book on Thursday afternoon made it much-anticipated release of NFFA season odds, hours ahead of the first kickoff, and just as Sports Book Manager Saddam Hussein hinted last week, the London Bakers are prohibitive favorites to take home their first Dead Lombardi Trophy.

Analysts set odds for the Bakers at 1:2 — stark contrast from some years when Coach Snoop Dogg’s team has been as much as 1000-to-1 underdogs. “It’s the year of the Baker,” Hussein said, “and not just for sentimental reasons. They’ve got two of the top three RBs, a spiritually cleansed Drew Brees, plus the three J’s: JJ, JuJu and Jonnu. On top of that, the pandemic means the league is in uncharted waters this season. The Bakers swim in uncharted waters every year, so they have a big advantage in experience over the competition.”

Oddsmakers also gave excellent chances this year to the East Nashville Black Dogs, Atlanta Smack Daddies and Village Green, setting odds for the Dogs and Daddies at 3-to-1 and for the Green at 5-to-1.

Odds and Hussein’s comments for each team:

Black Dogs (3-to-1): “They moved up from 4-to-1 after stealing Miles Sanders and Frank Clark from the Patriot-addled Animals. The went from a strong team to strong contender. The only question is whether the Ryan Brothers can make it through a season together without killing someone, possibly each other.”

Smack Daddies (3-to-1): “The Mahome-boys are going to light it up again. Coach Lex Dominica has a ton of lethal weapons, and nobody loves lethal weapons more than me.”

Village Green (5-to-1): “With some players in new situations this year, there are a few question marks with this team, but Coach Stuart Smalley has quietly emerged as one of the best in the league, and the beating he put on Mike Ditka at a protest showed he has a real fire this year.”

West Nashville Beelzebubbas (6-to-1): “If Matt Ryan, Ben Roethlisberger or Jared Goff have a strong year, this team will be right in the mix at the end. They’ve got the RBs, and Coach Barry Switzer loves the run.”

Cambridge Animals (15-to-1): “We had them at 6-to-1 before their toxic brand Patriot-ism led them to trade Miles Sanders. When you add in the curse of Brady, it’s really a tribute to the rest of the team that the odds aren’t longer.”

Sylvan Goats (25-to-1): “The team that Suzy Fine and Beyoncé built got to the championship game, but the big stars from last year are gone, Mike Ditka isn’t the half the woman that they are.”

Buena Vista Ballers (no line): “Curse of the champion is still undefeated. And like I always said, if you want to be the man, you’ve got to beat the man.” 

NFFA Roundup RUSSIAN TROLLS TARGET SHARIF Infamous human pit-fighting photos circulate on Facebook

Photo of QCurl Sharif, aka G.Q. Denney  (shown upper left in circle),  at one of Triki Bobber's human pit fights on Fidalgo Island in August of 2007. WR Marvin Harrison, then-Senator Larry Craig, and actor Owen Wilson also can be seen in the photo.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

The 2020 US presidential election campaign took on a new and ominous turn Monday when videos and photos began appearing on Facebook and Twitter linking Bakers owner and Joe Biden ally Sir QCurl Sharif to human pit fighting and Nazi worship.

In one grainy photo that has since gone viral, a person who appears to be Sharif (then known as GQ Denney) can be seen at an illegal human pit fight staged by fellow NFFA team owner Tarik O’Bobber. Another viral video shows members of the Bakers organization in Nazi uniforms, appearing to re-enact the final days of Hitler in the bunker.

After the stories circulated online, Fox News on Monday afternoon featured a crawl at the bottom of its screens that read: “BREAKING: Biden confidante a Nazi human pit fan?”

At 3 pm EDT President Donald Trump fired off a tweet that read, “When I owned the NFFA I warned them about Sheriff Q, a TOTAL degenerate. He fits right in with Sleepy Joe and Bad News Barack. Sad!”

FSN Sports was able to trace the Facebook and Twitter stories to Russia’s Internet Research Agency, also known as the Troll Factory, in St. Petersburg. The stories, which broke just hours before the NFFA’s annual preseason draft, were widely seen as an effort to discredit both Biden and Sharif, who was personally involved in Ukraine’s effort to repel a Russian invasion and is a close friend and business associate of former Ukrainian president Petro “the Chocolate King” Poroshenko.

“The timing of this was no accident,” said Susan Rice, former US ambassador to the United Nations. “The Bakers are being picked to win a championship this year, and Vladimir Putin is trying to create a distraction for Sir QCurl on top of the challenges created by his quarterback Drew Brees’ troubling statements on race.”

A source at Facebook, requesting anonymity on grounds that she did not have permission to speak publicly, said that Trump had personally intervened with the company’s CEO, Mark Zuckerberg, to warn him that there would be “repercussions” if Facebook deleted the Russian posts.

Both stories, as it happens, are true but require additional context. 

In 2007, FSN reported that GQ Denney had attended a human pit fight in Idaho as a guest of O’Bobber, who at the time was battling criminal insanity. Fellow guests included Owen Wilson and injured Bakers WR Marvin Harrison. At the time, Bakers PR Maven Faith Popcorn conceded that Denney had been present but had no memory of being there.

The Hitler video, leaked to the media at the time, was the first glimpse by the outside world into the Bakers’ elaborate draft night theme parties. “Things got a little out of hand,” Sharif acknowledged, “once the green caviar got flowing and after we somehow let Wilder the Animal draft Bironas out from under us, but it was all our own form of fun.”

Popcorn, reached for comment at the Bakers team headquarters in Central London, said it was “ridiculous” to suggest that Sharif was somehow involved in human pit fighting. “He never remembered being there,” she said. “He never even remembers being GQ Denney. And as to this Nazi rubbish, why is it anyone’s business if the team staff voted to have “The Night Porter” as a party theme?” She pointed out that, for tonight, “the Bakers have received permission from Her Majesty’s Government to use Winston Churchill’s underground command center for our draft night war room. The theme is ‘Blood, Toil, Tears and Sweat.’ We will never surrender to the Russians and the Haters.”

Mos’ Ded Opts to Remain Dead — for Now

Tonight marks the first NFFA draft for Bubbas’ owner Mos’ Ded since a health scare earlier almost rendered him “Ded n’ Gone,” as FSN TV pundit Skip Clueless put it in late June. For most of the past two months, Ded has been convalescing at QCurl Sharif’s luxury Black Sea dacha in Odessa, Ukraine.

In an exclusive interview yesterday with FSN, Ded confirmed rumors that he had received experimental treatments that enabled him to return to life without undergoing the reanimation process pioneered by Sharif in Hohenwald, TN. Ultimately, Ded said, he decided to postpone the treatment for a later date. “Especially in 2020, being dead has real advantages,” he explained. “It’s a lot easier to coordinate the Bacchanalia — which will be in Odessa this fall, by the way — when you don’t have to deal with travel logistics. Sure, I miss the Touchdown Tasers® as much as anyone, but as Sir Q often says, “There’s always next year.”

Goats’ Secret Name Change Plan Thwarted

FSN has learned that the Sylvan Goats, as the franchise was rechristened after the team’s Dead Cherokee mascot was found racially offensive by fellow league owners, had submitted a new name that was rejected by new NFFA Commissioner Bernie Sanders.

Wollaeger with Sasquatch statue.

Owner Mark Wollaeger, reeling from days of protests outside his team’s offices, had planned to reintroduce the franchise as the Sylvan Sasquatch. He even had erected a statue to replace one of himself that protestors had toppled on the first day of street demonstrations.

“They were going to unveil the statue at a big press conference,” said NFFA Deputy Commissioner Meadow Soprano. “Their idea was that Bigfoot, being a Native American himself, kept some continuity with the previous name but wouldn’t offend anybody. Bernie was offended. He sent them back to the drawing board. When we approved it, we assumed ‘Goats’ was some kind of reference to the famous curse against the Chicago Cubs. Now that we see the satanic cult imagery in the logo, it makes a lot more sense for this league.”

Stuck inside the war room with Iron Mike’s blues again Mojo D, new coach predict Ballers repeat

New Ballers coach Mike Tyson joins GM Mojo D on Zoom during draft strategy

By Soren Bernyn 
Fantasy Sports Network

During a brief break from draft planning, Buena Vista Ballers’ GM Mojo D conducted a Zoom availability for media from the Ballers' "war room” in Club Gitmo’s Bitcoin Bunker. The normally gregarious GM has been reclusive during Covid-19, and a lot has transpired with the team. With no pleasantries, Mojo D launched into a stream of consciousness recounting of the past 6 months, beginning with Pres. Donald Trump naming him as the source of the Covid-19 infection in the US.

“Well, there’s enough truth in that statement that it could not possibly have come from the Grifter-in-Chief. I was in Wuhan at the start of the year to celebrate our championship at the invitation of Chinese premier Xi Jinping; the Chairman is a friend of the Ballers and knows I love the delicacies of the Wuhan wet market, especially Sea Hog and those spicy pangolin eggs —mmm. I left China after the new year’s celebrations with a cough not unlike other times I have been there, stopped over in Seattle for some Bezos time and to pay respects at the Fidalgo Island shrine to longtime NFFA owner Tirik Obobber, and then back to Nashvegas. No way to know if I carried Covid with me - but if the con man-in-chief spoke it, there is no way in hell it can be true.

"Pretty soon after that, tornados wiped out much of north Nashville, and the Ballers moved in force to help the clean-up and assisting the community rebuilding - we cleared acres of land and built a new community center. Even when Covid shut everything down, our people were there, protected by my convalescent plasma. It was slow, but we were making progress. Then May rolls around...

“So Trump tweets that I’m to blame for Covid-19 (on May 25), and within minutes, Pie Town was surrounded with a tinfoil-hat, QAnon militia armed to the teeth. They came up on our HQ at the Blue Room at Third Man Records so quick that security could not respond, and there was literally nowhere to hide. Suddenly, (former Ballers coach) Jack White pops out of a wall, grabs me, says “down the hatch,” and he pushes me into a hole in the floor. I cannot adequately describe the sensation immediately after that, but the next thing I knew, I was stepping out of a wall in Club Gitmo. Jack follows me through, touches the wall and hands me what looks like a jet black frisbee he took off the wall. “Guard this hatch - you’re gonna need it now.” He strolled off to the sports book to catch the Korean baseball, and that’s literally the last time I saw him.

"I don’t quite understand the Hatch, but it always delivers me safely to Club Gitmo. The Bitcoin Bunker has been exactly that since March - the few times I’ve been out and about, I’ve had to duck and cover more than once. After our ignominious retreat from Pie Town, we started looking for a new home, and  north Nashville was the logical place, especially the Buena Vista neighborhood. So we planted our flag in “Norf”  around what will be our home office - if we ever go back to the office. The Pit at TSU has been going to waste, so we cleaned it up and recently christened John Lewis Field as our home turf. There’s a lot of excitement, even in the midst of the shit-show we call AmeriKKKa right now."

May 25 was also the day George Floyd was tortured and murdered by police in Minneapolis. Addressing the massive social upheaval sweeping the country, Mojo D said “people are in pain - here in Buena Vista, Kenosha, Minneapolis, DC, Portland. It is shameful, but shame is not a state familiar to the Buffoon-in-Chief. We’re investing our privilege as allies to the cause of justice - in addition to massive registration drives for both voting and gun licenses, we are pledging proceeds from this year’s games to Gideon’s Army United, The Equity Alliance, Standing Up for Racial Justice and the Movement for Black Lives. Our logo demonstrates our commitment - we want that fist in everybody’s face.” Mojo D has also been linked to a deep-pocketed cohort allegedly bankrolling a "Norf Militia” to ensure Buena Vista residents can defend themselves. 

"Byoona Vista, bitch!"

At that point, Mojo D noticed a comment in the chat and went ballistic: in a mocking tone, he spit out “‘Is he pronouncing it ‘byoona-vista’?’ - you little prick: hell yes that’s how I pronounce it because that’s how it’s pronounced! If you boujie hipsters come around here with that ‘bwayna-vista” shit, I’ll personally drag your ass down Jefferson Street chained to a lowered Monte Carlo."

Mojo D calmed down, then introduced the Ballers’ new coach, legendary boxer Mike Tyson. “Iron Mike joined us at the end of the season and during the playoffs as a special advisor, which resulted in our running the table the last five games and taking home the ring. His spirit and grit define what it means to be a Baller - he asked to be the coach this season, andwell, the man can be damn persuasive. The team is totally stoked - Lamar (Jackson) lights up like a little kid when Mike gets on a roll.”

A reporter asked in the Zoom chat if Tyson was concerned about the time away from training for his exhibition bout with Roy Jones Jr, scheduled for November. “Roy Jones Jr? Fuck Roy Jones Jr. - my style is impetuous, my defense is impregnable and I’m just ferocious. The Ballers keep my mind sharp."

Another chat message reminded Tyson about the NFFA Curse of the Champion, and asked the pugilist what he thought of the Ballers’ prospects this season. “Oh, there will be a repeat champion this year - I have to dream and reach for the stars; if I miss a star then I grab a handful of clouds.”

Mojo D laughed silently, then took himself off mute, and added “the Champ is right! This is 2020 bitches - there are no goddamn rules! The laws of physics no longer apply! I will go ahead and predict that The Ballers and the Animals will meet in the Championship, forever ending at least one of the oldest curses in the league, including the original: the Curse of the Champion. There has never been a repeat champion in the NFFA, and we are setting out to disrupt that this season."

The team is certainly pulling out all the stops - at the time of this writing, they had just dealt WR Julio Jones to the London Bakers, and also made a blockbuster offer for consensus #1 RB Christian McCaffrey. The team was still awaiting the Beelzebubbas’ response.