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Legendary Bakers' mascot Mr. TD is believed to have died in the Ukraine fighting Russian forces. It has been reported that owner QCurl Sharif brought the body to his residence, where it remains. The franchise officially announced Mr. TD retired four years ago and lives in seclusion in France.
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The Mainline Dope
LONDON—In a stunning revelation Friday, London Bakers owner QCurl Sharif made public that he was the whistle-blower at the center of President Donald Trump's Ukraine scandal.
Following the Monday night upset of the previously unbeaten Atlanta Smackdaddies, Sharif spoke candidly at a post-game celebration from a private room at the One-Eyed Pig. After raising a glass to his team, Sharif launched into a tirade against sullied PM Boris Johnson before turning his attention to Trump. Witnesses included a reporter from the London Times, who shared this story with its sister publication, The Mainline Dope. Both vetted the story through interviews with others present, and released it today simultaneously.
"I am the whistle-blower," Sharif said, holding a thin black folder as he spoke. "I have strong ties to the intelligence community of my home country, of course — given my background — and I was alarmed when I was given a copy of the transcript of the call in question. I'll not say how I received that copy, but it's not unusual for me to be briefed on matters involving the Ukraine."
The longstanding ties by the Bakers' organization with the Ukrainian government are well-documented, first surfacing for public consumption with the purchase of a stake in the franchise by former President Petro "The Chocolate King" Poroshenko in 2015. But, the ties to the Crimean buffer state went deeper well before his transaction — as photo evidence proved that Sharif himself was an active freedom fighter in Ukraine's struggle with the Russian republic. In a tragic turn, it is widely believed that beloved Baker mascot, Mr. TD, was killed in fighting alongside Sharif, and that PR maven Faith Popcorn was burned badly in a misguided attempt to bring both Sharif and Mr. TD back to the states during fierce conflict there.
It is also known that Sharif was at the center of the original deal struck between the U.S. and Ukraine regarding the procurement of Javelin anti-tank missiles.
"At first I thought I should protect myself by going through a formal process, anonymously," Sharif said. "You saw what Trump and Putin tried to do to me last summer. In reality, I should not be standing here in front of you today. I believe that the 'Elvis Syndrome' is the only thing that saved me that day from the Novichok A-234. The doctors said the substances already embedded deep within my system confused the toxin and allowed for them to flush a great deal of it out before it could take irreversible effect.
"But now, I realize I can do greater good out in the broad daylight. I mean if something happened to me — all hell would break loose. His 'basket of deplorables' got nothing on the Baker Nation."
The crowd at The Pig seemed caught a bit off guard by Sharif's statements. While Sharif did not share the contents of the folder, it is believed to contain copies of the whistle-blower forms that were given to Sharif's U.S. government contacts, and a copy of the phone transcript.
His stormy relationship with the Trump administration prompted the Bakers move to London soon after the U.S. presidential election of 2016. Sharif has been outspoken in his mistrust of Trump, a former business partner in a failed casino project in Hong Kong. Sharif believes that failed project led ultimately to Trump's ill-conceived trade war with China.
"The guy has the intelligence of a three-hundred-pound sack of hammered dog nut, if I can quote an old friend from Texas," Sharif said in the wee hours Tuesday morning. Revelers were seen leaving The Pig well after sunrise as Sharif remained inside with The Times reporter. "Maybe this win over the Daddies is a sign from God. Behold the underdog, and all that. I mean, this team has faced adversity like no other in my recollection — seems parallel to the plight of the American people at this moment. If we can somehow lift ourselves from the mat and gain some momentum in the division, I think it would bring a greater hope to my friends and our fans stateside."
The Bakers' home stand continues this week as they meet old rival the East Nashville Black Dogs.
"We put [Andy] Dalton on a small, private flight back to the U.S., most rikki tikki," Sharif said. "Not one of my planes. Hell no. We booked it through a cheap charter line. I hope his ride is a bumpy mother."
When pressed repeatedly by the reporter if he actually feared for his life by making his actions public, he seemed resolute.
"There's hard pipes coming after me all the time," he said. "People with more brains than dog nut. It doesn't really worry me, though I imagine it's going to bring out the crazies again. What I call his sex-dungeon base and the rest of that bunch. I got a taste of it in Hong Kong. Pretty foul taste, too, even for me. They know where to find me."
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