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An apparently offhand remark by Sir QCurl Sharif has spawned a political movement to make marijuana cultivation a national priority in the UK.
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By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
Just as it appeared that British politics was set to crash on either the Scylla of a no-deal exit from the European Union or the Charybdis of a government-negotiated plan that Parliament rejected, a possible third way emerged from an unlikely source: the owner of the London Bakers Football Club.
Last week, as a guest on The Graham Norton Show, Sir QCurl Sharif floated an idea that he called “the real green new deal.” Britons from multiple points on the political spectrum are hailing it as salvation.
“Just imagine,” Sharif mused, apparently off-the-cuff, “what could happen if we seriously started cultivating marijuana in this country? For nine months of the year, Britain is basically one big hydroponic garden. Mao wanted people in China to build furnaces for making steel in their backyards. Compared to that, national marijuana cultivation would be the easiest leap forward in history. A chicken in every pot, and pot in every English garden and windowsill.
“Think of the export potential. It would more than offset the hit the economy will take from Brexit. And people will feel a lot better, too — no more national malaise, if I may borrow a word from my native French. By ensuring medical marijuana for all UK citizens, we will reduce the incidence of depression and improve health outcomes widely. We will surpass Bhutan as the world’s happiest country.
“Incentivize growers in Jamaica, Trinidad, St. Lucia, and we could reinvigorate the Commonwealth so the sun will never set on British hemp fields. We could have so much surplus product that we could get tons of it into Russia through Ukraine and change the political situation there in a matter of weeks. The Russian bear would get hungry for late-night fish and chips instead of foreign territory, if you know what I’m saying.”
“You’re on a roll, SirQ,” Norton quipped.
“We should roll our own,” Sharif retorted.
“But I can’t imagine the queen possibly getting on board with this,” Norton said.
Sharif then caused a bit of a sensation. “I don’t know about that,” he said. “Through his longstanding friendship with Her Majesty, our league founder Dr. [Jorgé] Linardo persuaded her to allow Prince Phillip to receive medical marijuana for his joint pain and glaucoma, and I think she’s been known to enjoy a blunt on the sly herself now and then, you know?”
“I did NOT know,” Norton said. “Are you suggesting there’s a royal waterpipe at Buckingham Palace.”
“No, no,” Sharif demurred. “Nothing so obvious as that. I think they prefer to smoke a varietal called Puff the Magic Dragon that Dr. Linardo cultivates himself. I haven’t observed any of this directly, you understand. I do know the Prince has looked much more sporty the last couple of times I saw him.”
“Do you realize the bomb you’ve just dropped?” Norton asked.
“Bong?” replied Sharif. “Where? Good Lord, I hope it didn’t break.”
“Bomb,” Norton clarified. “B-O-M-B.”
“Listen, maybe this plan is untested,” said Sharif, returning to his idea for the green new deal, “but what does this country have to lose? Maybe it’s time, if I may quote William Blake, to restore England to being a ‘green and pleasant land.’ It’s time to put the hemp back in Hempstead Heath, baby.”
By the next afternoon, Sharif’s impromptu suggestion was already gaining momentum as a political idea. MEGAPLA (Make England A Green and Pleasant Land Again) hats with a cannabis leaf began appearing in Soho and the West End of London. “Tokexit to Save Britain?” read a front-page headline in The Sun newspaper. The banner headline in The Daily Mirror was in 84-point type and all caps: “YES WE CANNABIS!”
“I believe we can turn this from a moment to a movement,” said former Prime Minister Tony Blair, who has become a frequent guest at Sharif’s One-Eyed Pig nightclub. “If there’s one thing that Boris Johnson and Prince Harry can agree on, it is this.”
When a BBC News crew finally caught up with Sharif three days after his appearance on the Norton Show, he seemed startled by all the attention, and even surprised at the reminder of what he said in front of a national TV audience. “That sounds like a wonderful idea,” Sharif said, sounding as if he were hearing it for the very first time. “I could absolutely get on board with that.”
When pressed for further comment, Sharif thought a moment and then said: “You may write that I am honored to be of whatever service for my adoptive country that may prove useful. And from now on, when I inhale, I shall close my eyes and think of England.”
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