BEWARE THE AWESOME AWESOMENESS

Cambridge owner DTA addressed the media outside the NFFA Tower earlier today.

FOR IMMEDIATE RELEASE

Leon Sphinx

Cambridge Animals Media Relations

The Cambridge Animals called an impromptu press conference this morning shortly after learning they had won a game they thought they had lost. When the stat corrections came in from Elias Sports Bureau late last night, the outcome of the Animals game in Atlanta against the Smack Daddies had been flipped from a 156.9-155.2 loss to a 157.3-156.3 victory.

Speaking outside the NFFA high-rise headquarters in downtown Nashvegas this morning, after allowing the news media and Lex Dominica to rise from their knees, Cambridge owner, DTA, declared: “As the only undefeated team that matters, we’d like to officially deny allegations that last night at Club Gitmo WTA dragged Commissioner McMahon into a bedroom, attempted to unclothe him, held a hand over his mouth, and groped his ample package in order to extort points from the league to ensure an Animals victory. 

DTA, whose team is in town to face the Village Green, continued, “Nothing could be further from the truth, and it’s ridiculous to think the public would believe such allegations about something that happened so long ago. Do you remember what happened to you last night? I don’t think so. And if you do, it’s likely the projection of some bizarre childhood farm trauma, not something that actually happened. That’s just how time and memory function. And it just seems very convenient that these allegations arise now.”

Animals’ attorney Saul Goodman said that the team was now dropping its suit charging that Lex Dominica and his minions illegally compressed time during the second half of their match-up last Sunday. While it’s well-known that Dominica has been experimenting with both time compression and time expansion, until Sunday night, it wasn’t clear if those experiments had been successful.However, scientific tests have now shown that the fourth quarter of Monday night’s game lasted only six minutes and thirty-four seconds in human time; as a result, Animals’ RB Jordon Howard was limited to less than 9 points, apparently securing a victory for the Smack Daddies.

“Dominica is a genius,” Goodman said, “and his ability to disguise himself as an idiot is just another aspect of his greatness, but we must hold fast to the sacred rules of this league that ensure fairness to almost every team. However, we believe that calling attention to his brilliant, albeit illegal, actions is punishment enough—that and the humiliation of defeat. Therefore, we’re dropping our charges.”