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Former MVP He Cut Me (aka Peyton Manning) holds back tears after being informed of his lifetime ban by the NFFA.
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FSN Sports
As his first official act, new NFFA Commissioner Jim McMahon placed a lifetime ban on He Cut Me — the former player formerly known as Peyton Manning — over the use of what McMahon called “uncontrolled substances.”
In the next breath, he announced a four-game suspension for Bakers QB Tom Brady over what has come to be called Deflategate — Brady’s role in playing with balls that were deliberately underinflated.
McMahon said both rulings would take effect immediately.
Manning, who began last season with the West Nashville Beelzebubbas but was cut after he tested positive for large amounts of HDH (Human Death Hormone), is banned from involvement with the league in any official capacity. Bubbas team officials believe that HDH, which resulted in Manning’s partial zombification, was largely responsible for his career-worst performance last season.
“Who gave him HDH, and whether He Cut Me knew what he was taking, remain a mystery,” said one team official, who requested anonymity because he did not have permission to speak publicly on the issue. “We’re hoping the commissioner will order an official inquiry, but we’ve been looking into it on our own.”
The official added that Bubbas’ owner Mos Ded remains convinced that Manning was “collateral damage” from a curse that prevents any team with Brady as its QB from winning a championship.
During an 11 a.m. press conference Tuesday at the McMahonistan Bar at Club Gitmo, McMahon said that Brady’s suspension was necessary because “the integrity of the league is at stake.” He added that no sanctions were contemplated against the Cambridge Animals, the team for which Brady played when the ball deflations took place. “We think Brady acted semi-alone,” McMahon said. “Besides, haven’t the Animals suffered enough over the years?”
McMahon also noted that Brady may receive an addition suspension over an incident that occurred last week in training camp, when the QB used a pair of tailor’s shears to cut up 30 of the Bakers’ much beloved “throwback” jerseys.
Witnesses said Brady was upset with the traditional uniforms, in which the jerseys were designed to be untucked, calling them “undisciplined” and “lacking the degree of fabulousness that matches my personal brand.”
Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, who is away on an ancestral pilgrimage in northern India, could not be reached for comment.
Taking McMahon’s place at the microphone while the commissioner refreshed his margarita, new Deputy Commissioner Meadow Soprano said that Brady had “acted outside the permissible bounds of impermissibility in this league.” She did not suggest what additional punishment might be in store for the troubled QB, who apparently has been living a double life as Bradi Thomas, who performs at the Goodrow-a-Go-Go as the female impersonator Megging Barry.
McMahon and Soprano were named by acclamation to their posts in May at the annual secret retreat of the Five Founding Franchises of the NFFA.
Trump Buys, Renames Palm
Donald J. Trump, principal owner of the Village Green and Republican nominee for President, has purchased a Nashville landmark, The Palm restaurant, and plans to rename it The TrumPalm, FSN has learned.
The transaction will become final on September 1, just before the kickoff of the new NFFA season.
The purchase is notable because The Palm has served as the unofficial headquarters for fans of the Downtown Corsairs, who play nearby at The Roofie atop the Nashville Convention Center. League observers are already speculating that Trump’s purchase is the latest salvo in a turf war between his team and their chief rival, the Corsairs.
That speculation increased after patrons noted that the sketched likeness of Corsairs owner Mojo D had been removed from its customary spot on a wall near the restrooms. New portraits of Trump and Green minority owner Dave Goodrow were being added, they said, while a portrait of D’s wife, The Pompatus of Love, remained undisturbed.
“I wouldn’t read too much into this just yet,” said one observer. “This is kind of business as usual in the NFFA.” He noted that the Corsairs themselves had engaged in a similar act two years ago, when a Corsair-friendly hangout known as The Face Palm Featuring MC Pee Pants opened south of the trendy Five Points area of East Nashville.
“There will probably be repercussions,” the observer said. “In this league there are always repercussions. The only question is whether there will be blood and fire.”
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