LONDON CALLED, SHARIF ANSWERED NFFA goes international with Bakers' UK move

New London Bakers superfan X.Y. Chrome leads an impromptu rally at Trafalgar Square as the news of the franchise's impending move breaks in the U.K.

By Man Ray Natural

The Mainline Dope

NASHVILLE—A stone-faced QCurl Sharif stood on the fabled entrance steps to the Cherry Bomb Café early Tuesday morning to announce a move that many have predicted within the NFFA inner circle for months.

The 12th Avenue Bakers are moving to London, England, pending final approval from the commissioner's office. The press conference early Tuesday took place just before dawn and ended symbolically with the rising of the sun across 12th Avenue from the club, casting an eerie, exhilarating glow in pastel behind the mansion at Sevier Park. Sharif spoke of the tradition along the avenue and his love for the 12 South community, but said his team's fortunes ultimately resided in Britain.

"My heart is heavy at the moment when i think of the fan support and the parties here that left dozens dead and countless others ruined," he said. Bakers coach Snoop Dogg stood at Sharif's side during his address to the press and some scattered fans who had gotten wind of the predawn event. Those in attendance were treated to Bloody Marys and the infamous Cherry Bomb Breakfast Brownies.

"But my fear of a Trump presidency and certain benefits that have been guaranteed by the city of London have compelled me to move now and with great speed. We intend to open the 2016 season in our new, temporary home at Wembley Stadium."

Critics have said that if Sharif took the Bakers across the Atlantic, it would be to escape multiple lawsuits he faces both personally and with the franchise. He has legal action pending within the NFFA infrastructure, having challenged the veracity of the Downtown Corsairs' championship two years ago, and faces several league countersuits. Critics have also cited Sharif's superstitious belief that his continued presence would be cursed.

"I mean, what have I got to lose?" he said. "I've shed a lot of tears on these very steps and given my blood to try and bring a championship home to the fans here. But, it's obvious the ground is sewn with poison. I think the Chocolate King said it best last year when he and I were walking the avenue here — dodging hipsters and hookers — and he flared his nostrils and bellowed: 'I smell poison here. It's in the air. It's in our clothes. And, believe me, I know that smell.'

"To ignore such a smell would be treachery against myself," Sharif continued. "We will keep the Cherry Bomb open and I will make frequent visits. I'm not giving up my home or The Treehouse, but I am awaiting the finishing touches on a new flat near Kensington Square. I would also encourage all Bakers to visit the One-Eyed Pig, our new club on Trafalgar Square. In fact, Chocky and Sepp are there right now giving shagadelic oversight to some remodeling. The Pig will give new meaning to 'bangers and mash.'"

The star-crossed Bakers made a run at the playoffs last season, but collapsed down the stretch, causing many ticket holders to turn their backs on the storied franchise during the offseason. Season ticket sales are reportedly down here, and Sharif did not address the issue of refunding those fans. One fan at the press conference spoke candidly about his perspective.

"I'll kill the motherfucker if i get the chance," the anonymous, androgynous onlooker was quoted as saying before exposing his/her genitalia to the press. Sharif was not impressed.

"Get em outta here!" he shouted. "If you're gonna bring it, bring it!"

Sharif and Snoop did not answer questions following the announcement, and a recorded message from Faith Popcorn declared the conference over. Details are sketchy as to the timing of the move, but it has been reported in The Guardian and The Times that equipment has arrived in London and the front office is staged to function from there within the week.