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| Did the Bakers zombify Peyton Manning before trading him to the Beelzebubbas. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
First, Bubbas QB Coach Adam Sandler noticed that Peyton Manning “seemed to have a dead arm” in warmups. Then, after the former league MVP struggled mightily, scoring a paltry 11.4 points in Sunday’s season-opening loss, Sandler asked the team’s medical staff to run some tests.
They made a startling discovery.
“I can confirm to you,” said team physician Roy Draige, “that the quarterback who took the field for us Sunday is a zombie.”
The discovery apparently sent shock waves throughout the Bubbas organization and is sure to ripple across the NFFA as well. It raised a host of questions that the team — and the media — are rushing to investigate.
“How did Manning become zombified? Why didn’t we notice earlier? Is Zombie Peyton the real Peyton or just a zombie clone? We don’t know yet, but we’re going to find out,” said Bubbas Chief Operating Officer Anton Chigur.
For obvious reasons, intense scrutiny is being directed toward the 12th Avenue Bakers, Manning’s former team and the only franchise in the league with zombification technology. According to Chigur, his investigative staff is looking into whether the Bakers knew that the quarterback was a zombie — or even zombified him intentionally — before trading him to the Beelzebubbas last month for Tom Brady and linebacker Paul Posluszny.
“It’s no secret that [Bakers owner] QCurl [Sharif] despised Peyton,” said a longtime Bakers employee who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, it was so obvious that Peyton even changed his name to He Hate Me.
“On the other hand, there have been rumors of accidents from down at Hohenwald,” where the Bakers maintain their primary zombification facility. If Peyton went down there, it’s conceivable he might have gotten drunk and wound up in the wrong room. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have been the first time.”
The employee noted that, several years ago at the annual Bacchanalia to the Future, former Village Green owner Dave Goodrow was partially zombified in what festival organizers called a “near-tragic mishap.” Goodrow eventually recovered and regained most of his human functions following the accident.
Bakers owner QCurl Sharif could not be reached for comment. A team official said Sharif had been in a conference all weekend with Petro “Chocolate King” Poroshenko and singer/activist Elton John about LGBT rights in Ukraine.
Manning’s brother, Eli, who also plays for the Beelzebubbas, said the revelation was both a shock and somehow unsurprising. “I hadn’t really noticed any difference, to tell you the truth,” Eli said. “He’s always been kind of robotic and mumbles a lot, you know?”
Peyton’s status for this week’s game against the Green was unclear. He is officially listed as “questionable,” and team trainers are working to improve the QB’s arm strength. Sandler refused to name a starter at the position going forward but noted that Eli, the live Manning, scored only nine more points last week than his zombie brother.
Meanwhile, NashVegas’ zombie rights community greeted Tuesday’s news with giddy excitement. “This is a real breakthrough,” said film director George Romero, who leads a nonprofit called Parents & Friends of Zombies (PFOZ). “Peyton is a pioneer. It’s a new day for the dead.”
FSN Sports
First, Bubbas QB Coach Adam Sandler noticed that Peyton Manning “seemed to have a dead arm” in warmups. Then, after the former league MVP struggled mightily, scoring a paltry 11.4 points in Sunday’s season-opening loss, Sandler asked the team’s medical staff to run some tests.
They made a startling discovery.
“I can confirm to you,” said team physician Roy Draige, “that the quarterback who took the field for us Sunday is a zombie.”
The discovery apparently sent shock waves throughout the Bubbas organization and is sure to ripple across the NFFA as well. It raised a host of questions that the team — and the media — are rushing to investigate.
“How did Manning become zombified? Why didn’t we notice earlier? Is Zombie Peyton the real Peyton or just a zombie clone? We don’t know yet, but we’re going to find out,” said Bubbas Chief Operating Officer Anton Chigur.
For obvious reasons, intense scrutiny is being directed toward the 12th Avenue Bakers, Manning’s former team and the only franchise in the league with zombification technology. According to Chigur, his investigative staff is looking into whether the Bakers knew that the quarterback was a zombie — or even zombified him intentionally — before trading him to the Beelzebubbas last month for Tom Brady and linebacker Paul Posluszny.
“It’s no secret that [Bakers owner] QCurl [Sharif] despised Peyton,” said a longtime Bakers employee who asked to remain anonymous. “I mean, it was so obvious that Peyton even changed his name to He Hate Me.
“On the other hand, there have been rumors of accidents from down at Hohenwald,” where the Bakers maintain their primary zombification facility. If Peyton went down there, it’s conceivable he might have gotten drunk and wound up in the wrong room. I’m pretty sure it wouldn’t have been the first time.”
The employee noted that, several years ago at the annual Bacchanalia to the Future, former Village Green owner Dave Goodrow was partially zombified in what festival organizers called a “near-tragic mishap.” Goodrow eventually recovered and regained most of his human functions following the accident.
Bakers owner QCurl Sharif could not be reached for comment. A team official said Sharif had been in a conference all weekend with Petro “Chocolate King” Poroshenko and singer/activist Elton John about LGBT rights in Ukraine.
Manning’s brother, Eli, who also plays for the Beelzebubbas, said the revelation was both a shock and somehow unsurprising. “I hadn’t really noticed any difference, to tell you the truth,” Eli said. “He’s always been kind of robotic and mumbles a lot, you know?”
Peyton’s status for this week’s game against the Green was unclear. He is officially listed as “questionable,” and team trainers are working to improve the QB’s arm strength. Sandler refused to name a starter at the position going forward but noted that Eli, the live Manning, scored only nine more points last week than his zombie brother.
Meanwhile, NashVegas’ zombie rights community greeted Tuesday’s news with giddy excitement. “This is a real breakthrough,” said film director George Romero, who leads a nonprofit called Parents & Friends of Zombies (PFOZ). “Peyton is a pioneer. It’s a new day for the dead.”
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