MOJO D ANNOUNCES LOW-JO MOJO DIET Mandatory for all Corsairs players

Allegedly, Suzanne Somers (left) has been hired as Corsairs team dietician by Mojo D, shown above in a photo leaked from Odell Beckham's Instagram account.

By Heywood Jablomé
United Web Press International

AMES, Iowa—According to a source within the Corsairs organization, team owner Mojo D and his management team have taken the last few days to hole up, hunker down and consider some changes. Reeling from three consecutive losses, Corsairs ownership determined that the illness is from within the organization.  

"Lackluster performance and guys not hustling have hurt us," Mojo D said, according to the source who wished to remain anonymous. "We've got some of the best guys in the league, but they're in shitty shape and can't run a 6 second 40 for crying out loud! I've looked in the mirror and asked, 'Why?' Are they eating right? Are they on the right diet? Are they exercising?

"Beginning today, we are starting the Low-Jo-Mojo Diet," Mojo D said. "All meals will be prescribed by new team dietician, Suzanne Somers." Reports of Somers, famous for her Thigh Master and Butt Master Gold, joining the team have been confirmed.

"I took a look at a few pictures of myself and decided, I needed to lead by example" Mojo D continued. "If I can get rid of my low jo, then my players can." In a closed door meeting, Mojo D shared a "before" picture of his "low-jo" with his players to get them fired up.  

"Hopefully this will work," Mojo D said, his voice rising. "I can't stand to lose again. I've lost the three games I planned on losing this year. NO MORE."   

Only time will tell if this newly shaped team can stop the bleeding.