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| Sergei Lavrov says Bakerville residents voted in favor of Russian annexation. |
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
In the latest of a fast-moving series of events, Russian Foreign Minister Sergei Lavrov today announced that residents of “Bakerville,” as the 12 South neighborhood near the Cherry Bomb Café is known, had voted in a Sunday referendum to affiliate with the Russian Federation.
The announcement appears to be tied both to the crisis in Ukraine and the shadowy group of Russian “oligarchs” who reportedly purchased a significant but undisclosed ownership stake in the 12th Avenue Bakers.
Lavrov said that 92.7 percent of Bakerville voters had opted for annexation by Russia. If the Russian Parliament approved, Lavrov said, Bakerville could become an autonomous zone within the Russian Federation.
Bakers team officials could not be reached for comment. Owner QCurl Sharif has not been heard from since he — along with PR maven Faith Popcorn and an unidentified chimpanzee — boarded a private, Malaysian-owned charter jet that reportedly was bound for Kiev. Sources say Sharif and a reanimated Leo Tolstoy planned to negotiate an end to the Ukrainian crisis directly with Russian president Vladimir Putin.
Meanwhile, rumors swirled throughout 12 South. Most fans interviewed on the street by reporters said they had not heard about any referendum on secession and annexation.
“A lot of people want to secede from the U.S. — that’s not exactly news,” said neighborhood activist Roz Tefarian. “But Russia? I don’t know about that.”
Tefarian refused to say whether she had cast a vote. “None of your damn business,” she said.
Other fans were unhappy about the story. “I didn’t hear about any annexation, but if it’s true, I’m done with the Bakers,” said superfan Powers Boothe, who served in 2012 as Co-Grand Marshal of the Bacchanal to the Future.
Still other observers cast doubt on Lavrov’s assertions, given the apparently widespread lack of awareness of the referendum in Bakerville. “I met the dude,” said former Baker coach Snoop Lion. “Lavrov ain’t nothin’ but a little cracker-eatin’ apparatchik. He don’t know what’s goin’ down over here. Somebody fed him some bad dope. This whole thing has kind of a Mojo D smell to it, if you ask me.”
As of press time, Tennessee governor Bill Haz-Mat was said to be considering a request from Nashville mayor Karl Dean to order the Tennessee National Guard to patrol the Bakerville area “to keep order and deter Soviet aggression.”
RGIII shines at Bubbas spring combine
Quarterback Robert Griffin III was the clear standout the West Nashville Beelzebubbas’ pre-draft combine, held last weekend at Colt 45 Stadium.
“We call it a combine because we combine various disciplines and use them as our metrics,” said Bubbas Executive Coach Nicky Satan. “Robert just killed our biathlon drills.”
The Bubbas’ biathlon, as Satan explained, requires participants to run a 40-yard dash, then hit moving, human-sized targets with shots from a handgun, and then run a second 40-yard sprint.
Griffin ran both 40s under 4.5 seconds and hit 9 of the 10 targets, scoring headshots on four of them.
“From what we say today, I’d say Robert’s knee is completely rehabbed,” said Bubbas’ head coach Jerry Glanville. “He was even showing off a little bit with the headshots. He’s got that swagger you look for in this organization.”
Other eye-catching performances came from RB LaGarrette Blount, who ran a 4.6 and hit eight targets, and from DE Jared Allen, who hit all ten.
Green meth abounds in Boston for St. Patty’s Day
The normally rowdy St. Patrick’s Day festivities in Boston turned exponentially wilder on Monday after police discovered that, along with green beer, South End bars were also selling green-tinted crystal meth.
Several thousand revelers had been arrested by mid-afternoon, swelling local jails beyond capacity and forcing police to hold a few hundred detainees temporarily in the parish hall of St. Aloyisius Church on the city’s south side.
Street dealers said that, in the early hours of March 17, food trucks in Boston began distributing a new, particularly potent form of green meth labeled “Blarney Stone.” One dealer showed a reporter an empty plastic bag that he claimed had contained two grams of Blarney Stone. The bag included a tag with the logo of Methlon Enterprises and the slogan “We Rock.”
A company spokesperson for Methlon said she had no comment.
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