RAY RAY BANNED FOR LIFE

The above painting, which hangs prominently at The Cherry Bomb Café, shows Mr. TD wearing the very luchador mask he was wearing the night he died .

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

At a hastily called press conference this afternoon in front of The Cherry Bomb Café, Commissioner William D. Money announced he had decided to ban new Corsairs head coach Ray Lewis from the NFFA "for life" for his role in the death of beloved 12th Avenue Bakers mascot, Mr. TD.

Flanked by Bakers owner QCurl Sharif and Village Green owner Dave "Goodrow" Goodridge, Money read from a prepared statement and did not take any questions from the several reporters in attendance.

"This is a day filled with incredible sadness in the NFFA," the commissioner began, his hoarse voice cracking. "We mourn Mr. TD for a second time, but this time with new details that make our grief even more painful. 

"To learn that Mr. TD met his demise, not by his own hands, but by the hands of one of the most revered players in Bakers history is hard to accept and has weighed heavily on my mind since I first heard the news from QCurl yesterday morning that Ray Lewis had killed Mr. TD.  

"The statute of limitations may have expired on Ray's crime, but the league doesn't have any such limitation," Money continued. "So after much deliberation (and three Touchdown Tasers™), I have decided to ban Ray Lewis for life from the NFFA for his role in the death of Mr. TD.

"The ban will take effect immediately, and Ray is ordered to vacate the Corsairs facilities within 24 hours." With that, Money wiped a tear from his eye and stepped away from the microphone.

Woody Larry then asked, "Have you spoken to Ray about this?" Goodrow stepped to the microphone and said, "The commissioner will not be taking any questions at this time. He is in mourning — frankly, we all are. Little Gonzo has been so upset he hasn't wanted to fling his feces — or anyone else's — ever since he heard the news."

As Goodrow spoke, Sharif and Money slipped into The Cherry Bomb. After a few more words with the reporters gathered, the Green's owner joined them.

Neither Lewis, nor Corsairs' owner Mojo D could be reached for comment. The AWP will have more on this story as it develops.