Is DTA the greatest coach in thehistory of fantasy football?
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
Editor's note: This report was delayed by Associated Web Press attorneys because of potentially libelous language included in the original draft. The language has been either altered or removed after review by the director of league security.
The NFFA midterm grades are in and with only three teams above .500, the marks fall into one of three categories: the good, the bad or the ugly.
THE GOOD
Corsairs (6-1) — The Corsairs went to the head of the class by combining a strong draft with some good luck — their opponents are averaging only 136 points per game against them. Ironically, the team's only loss is to the Village Green, who the Corsairs had penciled in two wins against before the season kickoff. Grade: A
The Village Green (5-2) — If not for two early games when owner Goody Goodridge rebelled against his draft gurus and kept a pair of stud RBs (Fred Jackson, Maurice Jones-Drew) on the bench, The Green would be atop the 2011 class. If their success carries them all the way to the playoffs, it will continue a trend within the league in which new owners make the playoffs in their first season. Grade: A-
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (5-2) — No Peyton Manning, no problem. Just when the rest of the league was salivating at the impending demise of the feared and loathed Hogs of the Sea, Tirik Obobber's charges did what they've done in every season except one — and that's "just win, baby." Grade: A-
THE BAD
Cambridge Animals (3-4) — The Awesome Awesomeness prevails. Despite being dead last in scoring, more than 100 points below the team with the second fewest points, Cambridge hit the halfway post atop the Jorge division, further validating Dave the Animal as not only the Coach of the Year in 2011 in the NFFA, but the greatest coach in the history of fantasy football, not just this league, but all present and future leagues, confirming Nancy's five-year-old prophecy that he would be remembered as a coaching genius, the greatest of the great. If this grade were just for coaching, it would be an A+. Grade: C+
Atlanta Smack Daddies (3-4) — The defending NFFA champions have got to be saying to themselves, "WTF?" Only one game below .500, which normally would have them squarely in the hunt for a wild-card playoff berth entering the season's second half, the Daddies find themselves in the cellar, three games behind in the race for the division title. Grade: C-
East Nashville Black Dogs (3-4) — When Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon announced that Jizzle McMizzle was dead to him the expectation was that the Black Dogs would return to division-leading form. And while it's true they are tied with the Animals for the division lead, they didn't think they would be there with a record south of .500. Asked about his team's less-than-stellar performance thus far, McMahon said, "If my quarterbacks hadn't [expletive] me, we'd be 5-2. Grade: C-
THE UGLY
West Nashville Beelzebubbas (2-5) — The ghost of the ghost of Biggs is the first to admit his team's first half was "uglier than a Chinese football field." The 'Bubbas lost their first four games to put themselves in a big hole, but amazingly found themselves only one game out of first place in the division at the midway mark. And things may be looking up for the second-half run — they finished the first half winning two of three and may have found the big-game quarterback they were lacking in Ben Roethlisberger. Grade: D
12th Avenue Bakers (1-6) — In week one, the Bakers scored 196 points on their way to a 63.5-point trouncing of the defending champions from Atlanta. Bakers quarterback Tom Brady put up 72 points himself in that game,and the team was on top of the NFFA world. The following week, Dave the Animal had a curse put on the Bakers because he felt owner QCurl Sharif had stolen Brady from him. The second weekend, the Bakers did the unthinkable — they scored 200 points and lost. And they've lost every game since. And in every game, Brady's point totals have declined — from 72 to 60 to 50 to 34 to 35 and 35 again. One division observer said DTA's curse was so toxic it had affected not only his own team, but the entire division. In the 12 South area, aka Bakerville, the fans are restless, even though the team is still only two games out of first. The Occupy Bakerville movement has crippled the neighborhood and Sharif has given head coach Snoop Dogg the dreaded vote of confidence. Heads surely will be rolling soon down Avenue Q. Grade: F
THE GOOD
Corsairs (6-1) — The Corsairs went to the head of the class by combining a strong draft with some good luck — their opponents are averaging only 136 points per game against them. Ironically, the team's only loss is to the Village Green, who the Corsairs had penciled in two wins against before the season kickoff. Grade: A
The Village Green (5-2) — If not for two early games when owner Goody Goodridge rebelled against his draft gurus and kept a pair of stud RBs (Fred Jackson, Maurice Jones-Drew) on the bench, The Green would be atop the 2011 class. If their success carries them all the way to the playoffs, it will continue a trend within the league in which new owners make the playoffs in their first season. Grade: A-
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (5-2) — No Peyton Manning, no problem. Just when the rest of the league was salivating at the impending demise of the feared and loathed Hogs of the Sea, Tirik Obobber's charges did what they've done in every season except one — and that's "just win, baby." Grade: A-
THE BAD
Cambridge Animals (3-4) — The Awesome Awesomeness prevails. Despite being dead last in scoring, more than 100 points below the team with the second fewest points, Cambridge hit the halfway post atop the Jorge division, further validating Dave the Animal as not only the Coach of the Year in 2011 in the NFFA, but the greatest coach in the history of fantasy football, not just this league, but all present and future leagues, confirming Nancy's five-year-old prophecy that he would be remembered as a coaching genius, the greatest of the great. If this grade were just for coaching, it would be an A+. Grade: C+
Atlanta Smack Daddies (3-4) — The defending NFFA champions have got to be saying to themselves, "WTF?" Only one game below .500, which normally would have them squarely in the hunt for a wild-card playoff berth entering the season's second half, the Daddies find themselves in the cellar, three games behind in the race for the division title. Grade: C-
East Nashville Black Dogs (3-4) — When Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon announced that Jizzle McMizzle was dead to him the expectation was that the Black Dogs would return to division-leading form. And while it's true they are tied with the Animals for the division lead, they didn't think they would be there with a record south of .500. Asked about his team's less-than-stellar performance thus far, McMahon said, "If my quarterbacks hadn't [expletive] me, we'd be 5-2. Grade: C-
THE UGLY
West Nashville Beelzebubbas (2-5) — The ghost of the ghost of Biggs is the first to admit his team's first half was "uglier than a Chinese football field." The 'Bubbas lost their first four games to put themselves in a big hole, but amazingly found themselves only one game out of first place in the division at the midway mark. And things may be looking up for the second-half run — they finished the first half winning two of three and may have found the big-game quarterback they were lacking in Ben Roethlisberger. Grade: D
12th Avenue Bakers (1-6) — In week one, the Bakers scored 196 points on their way to a 63.5-point trouncing of the defending champions from Atlanta. Bakers quarterback Tom Brady put up 72 points himself in that game,and the team was on top of the NFFA world. The following week, Dave the Animal had a curse put on the Bakers because he felt owner QCurl Sharif had stolen Brady from him. The second weekend, the Bakers did the unthinkable — they scored 200 points and lost. And they've lost every game since. And in every game, Brady's point totals have declined — from 72 to 60 to 50 to 34 to 35 and 35 again. One division observer said DTA's curse was so toxic it had affected not only his own team, but the entire division. In the 12 South area, aka Bakerville, the fans are restless, even though the team is still only two games out of first. The Occupy Bakerville movement has crippled the neighborhood and Sharif has given head coach Snoop Dogg the dreaded vote of confidence. Heads surely will be rolling soon down Avenue Q. Grade: F
Having pioneered the 2Q offense, and having developed most of the great quarterbacks in the league using Methlon's patented Gene Guice, and having brought the first all gender-ambiguous roster in FF history, having become the leading advocate of man/machine love, along with many other accomplishments that make me a kind of Al Davis of Fantasy Football although with a more brutish and naturally violent physique and disposition, I find it hard to argue with Bill Money, despite my signature humility. And if I wasn't convinced of my greatness before, since I introduced this season my teachings known as Transcend the Win to our glorious division, and with them thrown off the chains of our own desire for the senseless pleasure of victories and replaced it, rather, with the noble desire to give the less fortunate--the pathetic and self-loathing, the hapless, ball-less nannies--of our world a taste of success that would have otherwise been unthinkable for them--yes, since then, I do now know my own greatness and with that knowledge comes an even greater humility and greater responsibility. Therefore, as gesture of my gratitude for this--should we just call it a coronation?--for this coronation, I am donating my latest creation to the league, to be passed along annually from team to team, beginning with The Bakers, who have taken my teachings and my curse to shocking extremes; therefore, if he'll have it, I present my gift to sanctify and perhaps lead his team through the rest of the season: Nancy and I have successfully placed the head of Al Davis onto the body of Heath Ledger and shocked it to life with massive doses of Methlon vitamins, Gene Guice, and genital manipulation. This year, it calls itself Kimberlee, in honor of Mojo D's maiden name, thereby honoring that great captain's stunning success. May the NFFA live eternally in the light! DTA
ReplyDeleteI've never shared this with anyone before except Saddam, but before Vince Lombardi tragically re-died in Hohenwald, he confided to me that he believed Dave the Animal one day would become the greatest coach in fantasy football history. -- Jorgé
ReplyDelete