Mojo D: “The Mojo will win the division”

 Mojo D carries this photo of Tirik Obobber (a.k.a. Bob Hitler, c. 1988) in his briefcase for those times when he "must generate the fury of a thousand white-hot suns..."

Mojo D: “The Mojo will win the division”

By Soren Bernyn, FSN
After several weeks incommunicado, Midtown Mojo owner/coach/GM Mojo D sat down to discuss his team’s recent reversal of fortune – a three-game win streak at a point in the season when it appeared meaningless – his enduring contempt for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, and the Midtown Mojo’s improbable run at the 2009 NFFA Championship.

Asked if he was disappointed with his team this year, he replied “Hell no! I am psyched! We’re in a position to win the Linardo division!! Nothing would please me more than to sweep the Sea Hogs, make them my bitch for this season, and end up with a 5-1 record in the division. After we win our division this week, the playoff push begins and it couldn’t come at a better time for the Mojo.” 

Wait a minute: the playoffs? “Sure – the team is ready – performing at their highest level all season.” Reminded that his team’s record would be 6-8 with a win this week, he threw his head back and laughed silently. Then added, “OK – stay with me, boy, while I connect the dots for you. With a 5-1 record in the Linardo Division, the Mojo are the best team in the division. The rules state: 

'Four teams qualify for the championship playoffs: the two division champions and two wild-card teams...'

"There is no specific description of how a team becomes division champion, and we contend that it’s the team with the best record among division opponents. Our legal team has prepared a case that we will present to the league office, based on the Week 14 outcome."

Unprompted, Mojo D launched into a rant about the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and their “criminally insane” owner, Tirik Obobber, whom Mojo D refers to only as “Bob Hitler,” one of Obobber’s many past identities – this one as leader of a white-power group in the western US (photo above).

“Anybody who refutes that is just chicken-sh*t because they don’t want to face a streaking Mojo in the playoffs – yes, I’m talking to the FISH! It’s exactly the kind of thing that will get Bob Hitler’s panties in a wad. People underestimate exactly how dangerous he is – mostly to himself, but dangerous nonetheless. At least Fidalgo Island is out there – literally and figuratively – on the fringe of the country, so the collateral damage is reduced."

Undeterred, an unusually lucid Mojo D continued, “My problem is a guy who takes himself too seriously. You can’t really have fun that way, and it brings the whole league down. I’ve been getting calls of support from other owners all week -- starting with the ghost of Biggs -- telling me to f*ck him up.”

The return of Biggs’ ghost has influenced a number of teams’ victories, most notably the Mojo’s. “Actually, Biggs’ ghost just said ‘Go the distance’ – I thought ‘what the hell? Am I freakin’ Kevin Costner now?’ The really strange part is that Mojo Jojo keeps getting these voice-mails, but doesn’t own a phone.”