CLINTON ‘CHRISTENS’ JOJO A GO GO
Ex-president in shocking tryst with Money sisters; ecstatic mob attempts to rebuild Cherry Bomb; Bush phones Diddy; cops search for despondent Mojo D
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News
In one of the wildest non-Bacchanal weekends in NFFA history, Bill Clinton attended the grand opening of the Jojo A Go Go and had to be escorted to a private room after Commissioner William D. Money’s daughters attempted to perform a sex act in public upon the ex-president.
Clinton, who attended the opening at the invitation of Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, was visibly drunk even before club manager Mojo Jojo declared that all drinks were on the house in celebration of the apparent defeat of the Midtown Mojo at the hands of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. At one point, Clinton had himself hoisted in a rope harness to join one of the scantily clad dancers whose cage was suspended from the ceiling. Shortly thereafter, Secret Service agents had to lower the cage and remove Clinton, who announced that he was “going to do my Alge Crumpler impersonation” and then attempted to expose himself.
As guards were escorting the former president to a private room, twin sisters Mo and Cash Money rushed up and began performing what Jojo later described as a “Mardi Gras sex act” on Clinton. Jojo later explained to the media that the act was “a ritual tribute to the gods Baal and Astarte and perfectly appropriate for our club’s status as a Unitarian Universalist church.”
Clinton was later overheard telling his Secret Service detail that “the monkey put LSD in my Jagermeister.”
Sheryl Crow, Jack White, Harold Ford Jr., Jemina Pearl, Todd Snider, Jessica Simpson, and Javon Kearse were among the other VIPs who attended the opening. Paparazzi photographed Beelzebubbas execs Boyd X. Biggs and Jorge Linardo entering the club a little before midnight via a side door and leaving less than ten minutes later with a leather brief case.
A few blocks away, as it appeared that the 12th Avenue Bakers were going to defeat the Alamo Scouts in their season opener, spontaneous demonstrations broke out in the 12 South neighborhood. Muslims began an impromptu parade, holding posters of Bakers quarterback Drew Brees and shouting “Allahu Akbar.” Others burned an effigy of sportswriter Larry Woody, who had noted in his game day story that 0-6 represented the Bakers’ best start during the past three seasons.
Most notable of all, a crowd assembled on the site of the burned-out Cherry Bomb Café and began building a structure on their own, using lumber and other construction materials that began arriving throughout Sunday night. By mid-morning on Monday, a wooden frame had been erected for a two-story structure in what one of the hundreds of participants described as a “Habitat for Inhumanity project.”
“The Cherry Bomb is a symbol of all that is great about 12 South,” said neighborhood activist Roz Tefarian. “We want to send a sign to Mr. [Q.] Diddy that we love him, and not to relocate the team to Woodbine or Bells Bend. This was just a spontaneous outpouring of love.”
Bill Cheatham, self-proclaimed No. 1 Bakers’ fan, was directing the construction efforts. “This may be the greatest mobilization since Paris taxicabs transported the French army to the Battle of the Marne,” he announced. “And [expletive] Larry Woody and Joe Biddle, too; even though you could say they financed this project.”
Local sportswriters Woody and Biddle both predicted the Bakers to lose badly in Week One — so badly, in fact, that oddsmakers revised the betting line to make the Alamo Scouts 150-point favorites in their game. The huge spread, in turn, prompted thousands of Bakers fans to wager heavily on their team. “We know a sucker bet when we see one,” Cheatham said.
At Cheatham’s urging, many fans also “tithed” by contributing one-tenth of their winnings to buy building materials for the Cherry Bomb.
The Bakers’ stunning win left the team in terra incognita. On Monday evening, President George W. Bush placed a congratulatory phone call to Diddy — now calling himself QCurl Sharif — who was in a meeting with Indian ambassador I.B. Vindaloo. “Tell him the sod will be there in the morning, and good game!” Diddy shouted to Bakers PR Maven Faith Popcorn who had answered the after-hours call — apparently believing, as Popcorn later explained, that the call was from Scouts running back Reggie Bush.
Undaunted by his erroneous prediction, Woody wrote in his Tuesday column that “the Bakers now will have to lose eight of their remaining 13 games to salvage another losing season.”
Elsewhere, police spent Sunday afternoon searching for Mojo owner Mojo D, who left the owners box midway through the first quarter of his team’s loss, appearing distraught. Friends became concerned because Mojo seemed inconsolable, holding his head in his hands and then departing without his cell phone. After a search of several hours, Mojo’s cousin, Tenacious D, saw a report on TV of the disappearance and called police to inform them that Mojo was at his house, playing a Madden 2007 video game. “He’s a new owner and emotionally fragile,” said Tenacious D. “He’s not used to hearing the boo birds.”
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber also had a difficult weekend, according to leaked information from the remote federal detention facility where he is being held. Sources said that, as part of their “enhanced interrogation” procedures, CIA agents were forcing Bobber to watch an endless video loop of his team’s crushing loss to the rival East Nashville Black Dogs — while music by the Plastic Ono Band blared from loudspeakers. The music, said one agent, was turned down only once, on Sunday night, so that Bobber could hear halftime commentator Keith Olbermann suggest that the team be rechristened the “Sea Cucumbers.”
Clinton, who attended the opening at the invitation of Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, was visibly drunk even before club manager Mojo Jojo declared that all drinks were on the house in celebration of the apparent defeat of the Midtown Mojo at the hands of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. At one point, Clinton had himself hoisted in a rope harness to join one of the scantily clad dancers whose cage was suspended from the ceiling. Shortly thereafter, Secret Service agents had to lower the cage and remove Clinton, who announced that he was “going to do my Alge Crumpler impersonation” and then attempted to expose himself.
As guards were escorting the former president to a private room, twin sisters Mo and Cash Money rushed up and began performing what Jojo later described as a “Mardi Gras sex act” on Clinton. Jojo later explained to the media that the act was “a ritual tribute to the gods Baal and Astarte and perfectly appropriate for our club’s status as a Unitarian Universalist church.”
Clinton was later overheard telling his Secret Service detail that “the monkey put LSD in my Jagermeister.”
Sheryl Crow, Jack White, Harold Ford Jr., Jemina Pearl, Todd Snider, Jessica Simpson, and Javon Kearse were among the other VIPs who attended the opening. Paparazzi photographed Beelzebubbas execs Boyd X. Biggs and Jorge Linardo entering the club a little before midnight via a side door and leaving less than ten minutes later with a leather brief case.
A few blocks away, as it appeared that the 12th Avenue Bakers were going to defeat the Alamo Scouts in their season opener, spontaneous demonstrations broke out in the 12 South neighborhood. Muslims began an impromptu parade, holding posters of Bakers quarterback Drew Brees and shouting “Allahu Akbar.” Others burned an effigy of sportswriter Larry Woody, who had noted in his game day story that 0-6 represented the Bakers’ best start during the past three seasons.
Most notable of all, a crowd assembled on the site of the burned-out Cherry Bomb Café and began building a structure on their own, using lumber and other construction materials that began arriving throughout Sunday night. By mid-morning on Monday, a wooden frame had been erected for a two-story structure in what one of the hundreds of participants described as a “Habitat for Inhumanity project.”
“The Cherry Bomb is a symbol of all that is great about 12 South,” said neighborhood activist Roz Tefarian. “We want to send a sign to Mr. [Q.] Diddy that we love him, and not to relocate the team to Woodbine or Bells Bend. This was just a spontaneous outpouring of love.”
Bill Cheatham, self-proclaimed No. 1 Bakers’ fan, was directing the construction efforts. “This may be the greatest mobilization since Paris taxicabs transported the French army to the Battle of the Marne,” he announced. “And [expletive] Larry Woody and Joe Biddle, too; even though you could say they financed this project.”
Local sportswriters Woody and Biddle both predicted the Bakers to lose badly in Week One — so badly, in fact, that oddsmakers revised the betting line to make the Alamo Scouts 150-point favorites in their game. The huge spread, in turn, prompted thousands of Bakers fans to wager heavily on their team. “We know a sucker bet when we see one,” Cheatham said.
At Cheatham’s urging, many fans also “tithed” by contributing one-tenth of their winnings to buy building materials for the Cherry Bomb.
The Bakers’ stunning win left the team in terra incognita. On Monday evening, President George W. Bush placed a congratulatory phone call to Diddy — now calling himself QCurl Sharif — who was in a meeting with Indian ambassador I.B. Vindaloo. “Tell him the sod will be there in the morning, and good game!” Diddy shouted to Bakers PR Maven Faith Popcorn who had answered the after-hours call — apparently believing, as Popcorn later explained, that the call was from Scouts running back Reggie Bush.
Undaunted by his erroneous prediction, Woody wrote in his Tuesday column that “the Bakers now will have to lose eight of their remaining 13 games to salvage another losing season.”
Elsewhere, police spent Sunday afternoon searching for Mojo owner Mojo D, who left the owners box midway through the first quarter of his team’s loss, appearing distraught. Friends became concerned because Mojo seemed inconsolable, holding his head in his hands and then departing without his cell phone. After a search of several hours, Mojo’s cousin, Tenacious D, saw a report on TV of the disappearance and called police to inform them that Mojo was at his house, playing a Madden 2007 video game. “He’s a new owner and emotionally fragile,” said Tenacious D. “He’s not used to hearing the boo birds.”
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber also had a difficult weekend, according to leaked information from the remote federal detention facility where he is being held. Sources said that, as part of their “enhanced interrogation” procedures, CIA agents were forcing Bobber to watch an endless video loop of his team’s crushing loss to the rival East Nashville Black Dogs — while music by the Plastic Ono Band blared from loudspeakers. The music, said one agent, was turned down only once, on Sunday night, so that Bobber could hear halftime commentator Keith Olbermann suggest that the team be rechristened the “Sea Cucumbers.”
