BAKERS-BUBBAS TRADE VOIDED
Commissioner Money overrules self: ‘My bad’
By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News
Just when it appeared that the informal alliance between the 12th Avenue Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas was falling apart, the two teams announced the completion of an unprecedented trade — only to see it voided by the same NFFA commissioner who had approved it hours before.
In a press conference Thursday morning in the sixth level below ground at Club Gitmo, a triumphant-sounding Boyd X. Biggs told reporters that the Beelzebubbas had traded rookie running back Chris Johnson to 12th Avenue in exchange for the number one overall pick in the NFFA draft on Monday evening. Biggs promised that the 'Bubbas’ draft night party, which follows the club’s grand opening Saturday, would be “more fun than anyone who’s not sending 500 volts of AC current through Dick Cheney’s nuts should be allowed to have.”
Biggs then hinted that the Beelzebubbas might use the pick to draft quarterback Peyton Manning, who, according to Biggs — citing a source at the NFFA league office — was inexplicably not included on the official “keeper” list submitted by Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs team president Hillary Clinton.
FSN has learned that the NFFA received two keeper lists from the Sea Hogs — one from Clinton and a separate one, e-mailed by suspended owner Triki Bobber from a federal detention facility. The list submitted by President Clinton showed that the Sea Hogs planned to keep David Garrard as their top quarterback. “I would imagine,” explained the league official, speaking on condition of anonymity, “that we have to go with the list submitted by the duly constituted, non-suspended authorities for that team.”
The almost-deal between the Bakers and Bubbas was novel. Never before had an NFFA team traded a player for a draft pick. There was just one problem: Apparently unbeknownst to Bakers owner Q. Diddy, and perhaps even to Biggs, the Beelzebubbas neither have Johnson on their roster nor own the rights to him. That fact also evidently escaped Commissioner William D. Money, who approved the trade by phone.
After learning of the deal hours later, Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn called Money and pointed out that Johnson is a free agent who will be available in Monday’s draft, not a player the Beelzebubbas can trade. At that point, according to Popcorn, Money said, “Oh, my bad,” and voided the trade.
“I can’t believe Boyd Biggs would pull this crap on a fellow owner who is still in a state of shock and grief over the loss of his boyhood friend,” said Popcorn, referring to the recent death of Furious George. Then she hurriedly excused herself, saying she had to run to the team’s bank to stop payment on a $5,000 check for the Brooklyn Bridge that Diddy apparently wrote to Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon.
Biggs, reached for comment, dismissed the aborted trade as merely “a test of the league’s security procedures” engineered by Beelzebubbas’ president emeritus Jorge Linardo. “The NFFA failed us all, showing we have much work to do in the war on global terror,” said Biggs.
Reporters caught up with the reclusive Diddy inside Bakers Stadium Thursday night as the team broke training camp. “It’s all good,” Diddy said. “We can get Chris with the first pick Monday, so in a way it’s like the deal is still on.”
Diddy also denied that the Bakers were planning to relocate the franchise to Bells Bend in northwest Nashville as part of the proposed May Town Center project. Rumors had swirled recently that the Bakers felt pressured to leave because of turf challenges from the Midtown Mojo and the Beelzebubbas and because of the franchise’s tilt away from longtime team patron Satan in favor of Shiva the Destroyer. Reporters also noted that Sod Bakers Grass Care, a company owned by Diddy, already owns 500 acres in Bells Bend described as an agricultural research station and turf farm. “Jack and Frank May are dear friends and longtime Bakers’ season-ticket holders,” said Diddy. “But we haven’t had any discussions about moving the team that I can remember.”
In a press conference Thursday morning in the sixth level below ground at Club Gitmo, a triumphant-sounding Boyd X. Biggs told reporters that the Beelzebubbas had traded rookie running back Chris Johnson to 12th Avenue in exchange for the number one overall pick in the NFFA draft on Monday evening. Biggs promised that the 'Bubbas’ draft night party, which follows the club’s grand opening Saturday, would be “more fun than anyone who’s not sending 500 volts of AC current through Dick Cheney’s nuts should be allowed to have.”
Biggs then hinted that the Beelzebubbas might use the pick to draft quarterback Peyton Manning, who, according to Biggs — citing a source at the NFFA league office — was inexplicably not included on the official “keeper” list submitted by Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs team president Hillary Clinton.
FSN has learned that the NFFA received two keeper lists from the Sea Hogs — one from Clinton and a separate one, e-mailed by suspended owner Triki Bobber from a federal detention facility. The list submitted by President Clinton showed that the Sea Hogs planned to keep David Garrard as their top quarterback. “I would imagine,” explained the league official, speaking on condition of anonymity, “that we have to go with the list submitted by the duly constituted, non-suspended authorities for that team.”
The almost-deal between the Bakers and Bubbas was novel. Never before had an NFFA team traded a player for a draft pick. There was just one problem: Apparently unbeknownst to Bakers owner Q. Diddy, and perhaps even to Biggs, the Beelzebubbas neither have Johnson on their roster nor own the rights to him. That fact also evidently escaped Commissioner William D. Money, who approved the trade by phone.
After learning of the deal hours later, Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn called Money and pointed out that Johnson is a free agent who will be available in Monday’s draft, not a player the Beelzebubbas can trade. At that point, according to Popcorn, Money said, “Oh, my bad,” and voided the trade.
“I can’t believe Boyd Biggs would pull this crap on a fellow owner who is still in a state of shock and grief over the loss of his boyhood friend,” said Popcorn, referring to the recent death of Furious George. Then she hurriedly excused herself, saying she had to run to the team’s bank to stop payment on a $5,000 check for the Brooklyn Bridge that Diddy apparently wrote to Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon.
Biggs, reached for comment, dismissed the aborted trade as merely “a test of the league’s security procedures” engineered by Beelzebubbas’ president emeritus Jorge Linardo. “The NFFA failed us all, showing we have much work to do in the war on global terror,” said Biggs.
Reporters caught up with the reclusive Diddy inside Bakers Stadium Thursday night as the team broke training camp. “It’s all good,” Diddy said. “We can get Chris with the first pick Monday, so in a way it’s like the deal is still on.”
Diddy also denied that the Bakers were planning to relocate the franchise to Bells Bend in northwest Nashville as part of the proposed May Town Center project. Rumors had swirled recently that the Bakers felt pressured to leave because of turf challenges from the Midtown Mojo and the Beelzebubbas and because of the franchise’s tilt away from longtime team patron Satan in favor of Shiva the Destroyer. Reporters also noted that Sod Bakers Grass Care, a company owned by Diddy, already owns 500 acres in Bells Bend described as an agricultural research station and turf farm. “Jack and Frank May are dear friends and longtime Bakers’ season-ticket holders,” said Diddy. “But we haven’t had any discussions about moving the team that I can remember.”
