MCMAHON SAYS 'BAKERS CHEATED' Satan confirms deal with Sharif

Black Dogs wideout Percy Harvin reacts to having the first of three touchdowns called back because of questionable penalties Monday night.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Jim McMahon's weekly media circus took a nasty turn yesterday when the East Nashville coach bluntly accused the 12th Avenue Bakers of cheating in their victory over the Black Dogs last weekend.

Holding court outside Barista Parlor Wednesday morning as Hank Williams' "Your Cheating Heart" played repeatedly over the sound system, McMahon made the accusation in response to a question about the three touchdowns by Black Dogs wide receiver Percy Harvin that were called back on penalties. 

"The Bakers cheated, pure and simple," McMahon said. "Cheating has always gone on in this league with certain franchises — not the Black Dogs, of course. I remember the infamous $50,000 handshake that ensured Clinton Portis would not suit up for the Bakers in a Monday night game against the Beelzebubbas. Then there was the time Black Dogs players were dosed with LSD just before a game against the Animals. And of course there have been questionable calls by the refs that nullified touchdowns. But never three in one game. I mean, c'mon, man. It's one thing to cheat, but it's another thing altogether to make it so obvious. They're going to ruin it for everybody."

McMahon was also asked about his last-minute decision to pull tight end Antonio Gates, who scored 18 points, from his starting lineup."That was the damndest thing," he said. "I can't explain why I did it. Even after I had done it, I thought to myself, 'I should put Gates back in the lineup,' but then I didn't do it. 

"I suspected some kind of voodoo," said McMahon. So he went at midnight Wednesday to the Satan Tree in Sevier Park and used an incantation he had learned from Devlin Redd, the head bartender at the Cherry Bomb Café, to summon the devil.

"I asked him point black, 'Did QCurl sell his soul to you?'" McMahon recounted.

"Hell yeah," was Satan's reply, according to the coach, "but that happened a long time ago. In fact, I resold it a year later to Goldman Sachs, and they divided it into tranches and sold pieces of it to hedge funds and institutional investors. The arrangement I made with Sharif this time was a whole different deal." McMahon went on to explain that Satan said under the terms of his contract with the Bakers' owner, he could not disclose the details, but that it involved future considerations. Of course, all Satan's deals involve future considerations, he added.

"He said 'you'll know what went down when I come for my due,' and then he kind of smiled and disappeared in a cloud of smoke," McMahon continued. "The whole place smelled like rotten eggs for about five minutes."

The AWP has learned Bakers owner QCurl Sharif acknowledged privately in a conversation with another owner that his team had indeed cheated, but did not elaborate on how they did it. Acting commissioner Bill Money independently investigated the allegations the Bakers had cheated and concluded they were true.

There have also been rumors that the benching of Gates and the mediocre performance by Black Dogs defensive end J.J. Watt (four points) which secured the Bakers win last weekend were merely the "final details" of the blockbuster trade between the two teams that sent Watt to the Dogs.

Sharif was not available for comment at the time of publication. More on this as it develops.