REMEMBER THE PORNHUSKERS Murrman announces name change for Corsairs

According to Commissioner Meemaw Murrman, the defending NFFA champion Corsairs will take the field this season as the Downtown Pornhuskers.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

NFFA Commissioner Lorena “MeeMaw” Murrman announced Monday that the Corsairs were officially changing their name to the Downtown Pornhuskers.

That the defending league champions were changing their name had been an open secret since owner Mojo D revealed that his team would relocate their home games to a rooftop stadium at Nashville’s new downtown convention center. What made Monday’s announcement unusual was that it came from the league office and not from the Corsairs. Mojo D, said by staffers to be on an extended vacation, did not attend the announcement press conference.

Even more oddly, when asked by a reporter how the new name was selected, Murrman admitted that her office had received no official communication from the Corsairs on that subject. Rather, she said, the name was “extrapolated from available information.”

Because of licensing agreements with sponsors and NFFA Properties, Murrman explained, league rules clearly state that team name changes must be submitted by June 5 each year. The Corsairs failed to meet the deadline. Since news reports earlier had revealed that Pornhuskers was one of the names the team was considering — even going so far as commissioning possible logos for review — Murrman said she “made an executive decision. I knew they wanted a new name, and this was the only one they had mentioned. So since Mojo D missed the deadline and didn’t return my calls, that’s what we had to go with. He’s a nice boy, and I imagine maybe his cell phone was dead, or maybe he forgot to pay his phone bill; otherwise I’m sure he’d have called me. But rules are rules.”

Upon further questioning, Murrman revealed that “Personally, I’m not too crazy about the name. I think it reflects a dimension of this league that I usually associate with some of the other owners, not Mr. D, or my grandson when he owned a team (referring to Thurman Murrman, who owned the franchise that became the Village Green). In fact, I suggested that the new name for the Corsairs be the Nashville Nice Boys, but some of the others here said it would be overstepping my authority to impose that name on them. Pornhuskers is at least a name they were thinking about.”

Phone calls to the number listed for the Corsairs’ offices were not returned as of press time.

NFFA News Roundup SHARIF SURVIVES AGAIN! Bakers owner in good condition after hit-and-run

QCurl Sharif's bicycle remained in the street on Stokes Lane after the hit-and-run incident which sent the injured Bakers owner to a local hospital.

Updated July 9, 2013 (3:45 p.m. CDT): Nashville police today announced that they sought to question Corsairs coach Ray Lewis regarding the hit-and-run accident last week that left Bakers owner QCurl Sharif hospitalized with broken ribs.

According to police sources, a witness came forward who claimed to have seen a person matching Lewis' description driving a black and gray Honda Element as it sped away from the accident scene on Stokes Lane. Last week, FSN reported that a black and gray Honda Element is registered to Corsairs owner Mojo D, who lives not far from Stokes Lane. Police said the eyewitness provided a partial license plate number but had no further comment on whether it matched any of the numbers on Mojo D's vehicle.

A person who answered the phone at the Corsairs' offices said that Lewis had left over the weekend for a vacation. Lewis, an NFFA Hall of Famer who spent most of his career with the Bakers, confessed earlier this year to the accidental killing of beloved Baker mascot Mr. TD. — Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN Sports

12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, the victim of two assassination attempts in the past year, was resting comfortably on Tuesday after being struck by a vehicle while he was cycling late Saturday afternoon in the Green Hills section of Nashville.

Sharif, who was wearing a helmet at the insistence of team PR maven Faith Popcorn, was thrown forward after a fast-approaching car bumped his bicycle from behind as he pedaled down Stokes Lane near Hillsboro Pike. He was treated at a local hospital for broken ribs, as well as multiple lacerations and bruises. “Thank, Shiva, he’s OK,” Popcorn said. “It could have been a disaster.” 

According to police sources, Sharif told them that he didn’t get a good look at the vehicle that struck him, but described it as “black and gray and boxy-looking.” The vehicle left the scene following the collision.

Police refused to speculate as to whether the incident represented yet another attempted assassination of the internationally connected Bakers owner. One detective investigating the case noted that a Honda Element fitting the general description provided by Sharif is registered to Corsairs owner Mojo D, whose residence is less than a mile from the scene of the crash. 

“But he was also on Goodrow’s turf,” the detective said, referring to Village Green owner Dave Goodridge. “And let’s not forget that so many have wanted to kill Sharif over the years, they have to take a number and stand in line. It could have been anyone from the Russian mob to Jesus freaks to a disgruntled Bakers fan.”

Sea Hogs TE Aaron Hernandez confessed to the hit-and-run assault even though he was behind bars for the entire weekend.

Sharif was said to be resting in the VIP Suite of the heavily guarded Club Gitmo, where the West Nashville Beelzebubbas could guarantee his security. Team officials refused to confirm or deny Sharif’s presence, but one employee, speaking anonymously, said that 'Bubbas chairman and league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo had brought Sharif a plate of his beloved homemade brownies on Tuesday afternoon.

Sea Hogs Redraw Redrawn Contract for Hernandez

After giving Aaron Hernandez a raise and a contract extension last week following his arrest on murder charges, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs reportedly are drawing up another, even more favorable contract for their star tight end.

Sources with the team said that nothing had been finalized, but revelations that Hernandez was being investigated for two other murders led Hogs owner Tirik Obobber to prepare a contract that extended Hernandez’s salary for two additional years beyond last week’s contract extension — one for each killing. The newest contract will take effect if and when Hernandez is formally charged with the additional murders.

Said one team official, “It is frankly the least we could do considering all that Aaron Hernandez is doing for the Sea Hog brand.”

Sonny & Cher to Host Bacchanal

Beelzebubbas’ VP Chuck Barris announced on Monday that a reanimated Sonny Bono would join Cher as co-Grand Marshals for Bacchanal to the Future X this fall. The duo will also perform live for the first time since 1987, when they sang together on “Late Night with David Letterman.”

“We couldn’t be more excited about this coup,” Barris said. “We want to make Bacchanal X extra special for our fans, and this is getting us there.

“I don’t know what we’ll do to top this,” said Barris, who is keenly aware of rumors that Elvis Presley will come out of hiding to perform as a favor to Bubbas head coach Jerry Glanville, who is an old friend.

Reanimated husband-and-wife duos are not a Bacchanal first. Four years ago, a reanimated Ike Turner opened the festival with ex-wife Tina Turner, although yellow police tape and a judge’s restraining order prevented them from getting within 20 feet of each other as they and the Ikettes performed a rousing version of “Nutbush City Limits.”