NEW COMMISH LIFTS LEWIS'S LIFETIME BAN Murrman takes shot at Money with move

Corsairs owner Mojo D and Coach Ray Lewis at this morning's press conference.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

In a shot that clearly showed who's the new sheriff, Commissioner Lorena "Meemaw" Murrman rescinded Ray Lewis's lifetime ban from the NFFA, which was ordered last month by former commissioner William D. Money. Murrman announced her decision in a press release sent to league media outlets yesterday afternoon.

"I've decided to reinstate Ray Lewis as coach of the Corsairs," the new commissioner said in the statement. "After reviewing the circumstances that led to his ban, I concluded the former commissioner had been mistaken in issuing the ban.

"Although I never knew Mr. TD, it seems clear to me Mr. Lewis cared about him and is remorseful about the tragic circumstances that led to his death. I think he has been punished enough having to live all these years with the knowledge he had accidentally killed his friend."

At a hastily called press conference after receiving news the ban had been lifted, Corsairs owner Mojo D was ecstatic. "In a word, it's vindication," the owner said of the commissioner's decision. "The [12th Avenue] Bakers and anybody else had a chance to put Ray on their team, but the Corsairs pulled the trigger, and gave Ray what he always wanted, but could never get from the Animals or Bakers — an NFFA ring. He gave the team the inspiration — the fire in the belly — that drove them to be champions. QCurl [Sharif]'s sour grapes have produced only bitter wine, expansive, rotted fields of undead, and a continued legacy of losing seasons; but I will say, the Touchdown Taser makes up for all that in my book."

At that moment, Coach Lewis bounded into the room, scooped up a clearly alarmed Mojo D, and proclaimed "See? I told you, man. When God is with you — no man can stand against you — even a man named Bill Money." 

After the press conference, PR intern Sue Nommi informed the gathered media that Mojo D was suffering cracked ribs from several similar "enthusiastic" encounters with his new coach and has taken to wearing a QB flak jacket around the team's HQ and training facility at Nashville's new Music City Center.

Near the end of the press conference, Mojo D also took a shot at former commissioner Money. "The most encouraging news about this clear vindication for the champions is that Meemaw Murrman is now running the association. This is a blow for justice — for all that is good and right about the NFFA, which has not been much under Money's erratic tenure. I expect that Meemaw's ascendance to this lofty role portends great things for the game, not just our little band of misanthropes and malcontents. I like the cut of her jib, and have always cultivated a different kind of relationship with her than the other owners, which is to say I have not suffered a beat-down at her hands (or skillet), nor been the target of her formidable psychological warfare. It is an exciting time for Meemaw, the NFFA and all our fans around the planet and beyond."

In addition to announcing the lifting of Lewis' ban, Commissioner Murrman revealed that he will be in the NFFA's second hall of fame class — along with Steve McNair. Surprisingly, he will be inducted as a Corsair, rather than as a 12th Avenue Baker, as has long been expected. When Woody Larry joking asked Mojo D whether longtime Baker McNair would also be inducted as a Corsair, the owner smiled and said, "That's something we're still discussing with Commissioner Murrman. But Corsair McNair has a nice ring to it, don't you think?"

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif was not available for comment about this development.