By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Director
NASHVILLE-- BREAKING NEWS -- Reports from Cambridge are surfacing that Animals RB Clinton Portis has multiple strained groins, calf and ankle injuries following a morning stunt he and his longtime girlfriend performed for school children. He is questionable for tonight's action.
The stunt, which Portis refers to as the "Flying Nun," involved the running back as he would launch his girlfriend into the seats while lying on his back and using his legs for power. It is a stunt Portis had witnessed the owner perform himself with an actual nun at a stag party for the re-animated Fatty Arbuckle. His girlfriend is in critical condition after colliding with a service vehicle at Boston's Sisters of the Poor Elementary School.
A shaken and limping Portis was unavailable for comment following the accident. However, 12th Ave. owner QCurl Sharif expressed shock that Cambridge would allow their players to touch anyone on game days. The Bakers lead the Animals by a scant 5 points as they head into tonight's action.
"I know we keep our players sedate in custom sensory deprivation tanks prior to any game day action," Sharif said from his home today. "We pipe in a little motivational audio and oxygen mix that we think will be helpful, but we allow zero contact with others. These games in this division are huge ... no words to describe the importance of a win — and here I see how they roll in Cambridge. It's insulting when you think about it. I think the other owners would agree. But, all differences aside, I hope he doesn't get hurt any worse or have to leave the game early or anything like that."
