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| This week, the world learned that First Lady Melania Trump refers to Sir QCurl Sharif and Dave the Animal as "Moose and Squirrel." |
By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya
FSN Sports
In an ominous development for the future of the NFFA, two of the league’s founding franchises appear to be in the crosshairs of the Department of Government Efficiency (or DOGE), the shadowy, quasi-governmental organization delegated by President Donald Trump to investigate federal spending.
In a confidential memo leaked to FSN Sports, Trump advisor Elon Musk wrote that he intended to “get Moose and Squirrel”—an apparent reference to the terms used by First Lady Melania Trump for Animals owner Dave the Animal and Bakers owner QCurl Sharif.
“We’ll put targets on their backs immediately,” the memo said.
Reporters have yet to determine whether DTA or QCS is the owner Melania describes as “Squirrel” in her references to the old Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons.
While the memo did not outline the specific reasons for targeting the two franchises, narratives circulating in right-wing media provided some clues.
Last week on Faux News, guest commentator Richard “Dick” Zucker, described as a national security analyst for the AmericanWhite Citizens Council, claimed that the US Agency for International Development had sent Gaza, at taxpayer expense, 1 billion condoms bearing the London Bakers logo.
Amid the absence of Sharif, team advisor Martha Stewart commented on the report: “While it is true that the Bakers promote thoughtful family planning around the world, and while it is true that we have distributed prophylactic devices with our team logo, no taxpayer dollars were involved. It was entirely from Mr. Sharif’s personal fortune, supplemented by funds from the Sod Bakers for a Greener World Foundation.”
Separately, President Donald Trump announced a tariff of 1,000% on Baker-logo nipple rings, which are manufactured in Moldova, and an unprecedented travel ban from London to NFFA cities in the US on weekends when the Bakers visit for road games.
In response, Bakers spokesmaven Faith Popcorn told a reportervia a Zoom call: “Do you think we should tell Trump that fans from London will just fly to Canada first before coming to games in Nashvegas, Cambridge or Boca Chica? Or should we just let him be surprised when thousands of people with Union Jacks and Baker jerseys appear in the stadiums as if by magic?” And then, in an obvious imitation of league founder JorgéLinardo, she leaned back her head and laughed silently.
Meanwhile, Musk claimed on his social media platform, Xitter, that Methlon Enterprises had inappropriately used a grant from the National Science Foundation for research and development of “an airborne virus that would turn people gay.” He promised to “nip this in the butt” and “make Methlon pay with their lives.”
When reached for comment on this story, Methlon Chairman DTA responded by email. “There was never any NSF grant, and my involvement with the government on science and health initiatives was confined to my service during the first Trump administration as the lead negotiator with Covid-19.
“Since my departure from government, I have remained in conversations with Covid—or Covie, as he likes his friends to call him—about the hopes and aspirations of the Virus Community. Though we had planned to announce this at a later date, when the technology is perfected, I am pleased to say that Methlon and Covid are at an advanced stage of development for a new airborne- and water-borne life form that you humans call a virus which will turn my prophecy that in the future everyone will be gay into a brilliant and rainbow-hued reality. Soon, we will Make America Gay Again in a way that it never was. And when that happens, the world will wake up and realize that Methlon has carefully invested funds to achieve monopoly ownership of all interior design businesses, Broadway show tunes, V-neck tennis sweaters, and the rights to the color chartreuse, among other assets.”
This is a developing story.
Snoop out, QCS still AWOL
Following protests that have continued every day in front of Sir QCurl Sharif’s West End Treehouse, QCS issued a statement through Popcorn Media: “It is with great sadness the Baker organization has terminated its contract, which was just extended last year, with the winningest coach in franchise history—Snoop Dogg. It is the result of a grievous and public betrayal. Our focus is now on the search for a new head coach of this proud organization.”
The statement said this would be the only comment Sharif would have on the matter until a new coach is announced. There was no word on possible candidates or timeline for the abrupt and shocking coaching vacancy.
Meanwhile, because the statement was released through Popcorn Media and QCS has not been seen in public for seven weeks, speculation continued to run rampant as to his whereabouts and fate.
Observers have also wondered who, if anyone, is in charge of the Baker organization at present. There has been no word of interviews of any candidates for the team’s head coaching vacancy. Rumors swirled that Friend of the Team Beyoncé, who has previous NFFA coaching experience, is running the personnel and field operations in the interim.
“We all know that Sir Q needs a lot of quiet time to process stressful situations, and few situations in the team’s history have been more stressful than this, so we’re all giving him a lot of space,” said one fellow NFFA owner who wished not to go on the record. “And we know that Q is prone to long and unexplained disappearances, such as the time he addressed the United Nations and then went missing for two weeks before he turned up in Libya. Even by Bakers’ standards, though, two months of radio silence is a lot.
“But we also have learned to fear the worst whenever there’s a story involving the Bakers, so everybody is praying extra hard to Yahweh, Jesus, Shiva, Satan and anyone else who might be able to keep Sharif safe.
Linardo feted at Oscars party
Many Hollywood observers were pleasantly surprised by the appearance of NFFA Founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo at a pre-Oscar party in Hollywood on Sunday afternoon. The event was hosted by Searchlight Pictures, which released the Academy Award-nominated film A Complete Unknown. Dr. Linardo was accompanied by Hollywood mogul and Animals coach, Doc the Animal.
At the party, actor Timothee Chalemet, nominated for Best Actor for his portrayal of Bob Dylan, took the microphone and said, “I’d like to acknowledge someone whose behind-the-scenes role in this film was, well, completely unknown—until now.”
Chalemet went on to explain that Dr. Linardo, a longtime friend of Dylan, had served as a dialogue and voice coach during the five years he spent learning to speak and sing like Dylan. “Thank you, Jefé, mi corazon. If I win tonight, half of the statuette belongs to you.
Then, in what appeared to be an unscripted moment, Chalemet produced a guitar and serenaded the league founder with a slightly modified version of Dylan’s John Wesley Harding, a song he said Linardo had taught him to play:
Jorgé Linardo was a friend to the poor.
He traveled with a gun in every hand
And all across the countryside
He opened many a door
But he was never known
To hurt an honest man.
