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| London quarterback Aaron Rodgers credited the team's psychedelic therapies with fueling the Bakers' late-season run in 2021 to their first Jorge division title. |
By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya
FSN Sports
Before anyone could even ask him a question, Bakers’ QB Aaron Rodgers stepped up to the podium during the team’s Media Days availability and delivered an entire speech. As he looked back on the previous season, he said, it was the Bakers’ coaches and culture — both of which have always emphasized the salubrious body/mind/spirit effects of drug use — that helped him enjoy an outstanding season and propelled the team to its first-ever division title.
After an abysmal 6-point performance in week one of last year, Rodgers explained, he received a visit from Bakers’ coach Snoop Dogg and team owner Sir QCurl Sharif. “I thought they were about to tell me I was going to be cut,” Rodgers recalled, “but instead they started talking to me about shifting my focus toward hallucinogens to get my fantasy game to a whole different level.
“Snoop told me that people make jokes about the Bakers requiring players to test positive for drugs, like it’s about actually having drugs in your system at any given moment. But he explained to me that the whole culture is about being positive toward drugs, and that’s the test we have to pass if we are going to overcome ourselves on this plane of existence.”
With the QB’s assent, Sharif enrolled Rodgers in an ayahuasca-centered program offered by the Center for Linardist Studies, the internationally known institute founded by league founder and Nobel Peace Prize nominee Dr. Jorgé Linardo.
Rodgers said that ayahuasca, a hallucinogenic, plant-based drink that has been part of the spiritual practice of indigenous tribes in South America for millennia, helped him to “see how to unconditionally love” himself.
"It's only in that unconditional self-love, that then I'm able to truly be able to unconditionally love others. And what better way to work on my mental health than to have an experience like that?" he said.
Rodgers said his newfound self-love translates to stronger relationships with his teammates and, in turn, better football. "I really feel like that experience paved the way for me to have the best season of my career," he said.
"The greatest gift I can give my teammates, in my opinion, is to be able to show up and to be someone who can model unconditional love to them," he added. "I mean obviously it's important I play well, and show up and lead and all that stuff. They won't care about what you say until they know how much you care."
Standing nearby, Sharif openly wept as Rodgers spoke of unconditional love, then managed to say, “The Bakers are and always have been about love.”
After pausing to regain his composure, Sharif fielded questions from reporters who asked about his efforts on behalf of Ukraine, including the announcements that he would be honored on a Ukrainian postage stamp and that he had been appointed by President Volodomir Zelensky to address the United Nations General Assembly (which Sharif has done once before). “Won’t that be a distraction,” asked reporter Woody Larry, the way Vietnam was a distraction from LBJ’s War on Poverty?”
“On the contrary,” Sharif replied, “defending freedom from invaders is our highest calling. It’s an example of that unconditional love that Aaron described.”
The Bakers’ owner, who has survived three assassination attempts, including poison by Kremlin agents, and remains under a decade-old fatwa issued by Rev. James Dobson and Focus on the Family, also was asked about the risks of venturing to the U.S. from his London headquarters, particularly given the stabbing of author Salman Rushdie, a frequent guest at Sharif’s One-Eyed Pig nightclub. Security was heightened for Sharif’s appearance, even beyond the NFFA’s usual standard, with armed members of the old Fedayeen Bakers’ militia and the Beelzebubbas’ Fruit of Astarte team lining the walls of the medium room.
“How do you avoid living in fear that one night there will be a knock at the door that will change everything?” asked ESPN’s Ron Theworstski.
Before Sharif could respond, Snoop Dogg stepped up the mic and said, ominously, “Q is the one who knocks.”
Then Sharif was asked about his now-famous relationship with the British royal family, including his friendship with the late Prince Phillip and his apparent role, based on frequent summonses to Buckingham Palace, as an informal adviser to Queen Elizabeth.
“How different will the Bacchanalia be this year without Prince Phillip?” asked the BBC’s Trevor Turgidson-Nitwitt.
“Who says Prince Phillip isn’t going to be there?” Sharif fired back.
“Can you describe your relationship with the Queen?” shouted another reporter.
Pausing for a moment, as if reflecting on the question, Sharif replied: “Her Majesty’s a pretty nice girl, but she doesn’t have a lot to say. Her Majesty’s a pretty nice girl, but she changes from day to day. I want to tell her that I love her a lot, but I gotta get a belly full of wine. Her Majesty’s a pretty nice girl; someday, I’m going to make her mine, oh yeah, someday I’m going to make her mine.”
Sharif’s response seemed to stun the throng of journalists momentarily. Finally, breaking the silence, he asked, “Doesn’t anyone have a question about football?”
The invitation was met with sustained, sheer silence, except for the sound of a reporter’s pen dropping on the carpeted floor. After 10 awkward seconds, Snoop said, “Thank you, all,” and the Bakers’ entourage left the room.
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