Nagurski Responds to Commish

By C.T.E Furall
Bikini Football League Gazette

 

Bronko Nagurski at Thursday Practice

 
Sylvan Goats owner Bronko Nagurski responded this afternoon to the controversy surrounding his team’s hoarding of quarterbacks in seeming effort to thwart the Cambridge Animals. We print his response in its entirely without comment beyond noting that Nagurski’s views do not represent those of NFFA News Wire or its affiliates:

“First, let me make clear I make no apologies. I also don’t drink blended whiskeys. More to the point: this is not a game for sissies or the stupid. Obviously the Animals won on a fluke last year. Goats would have beaten them 9 out of 10 times, same with the losers they beat in the finals, not that anyone even remembers who that team was! Anyone who goes into Tuesday with no active QB deserves to be sodomized with a pepper grinder, the really big kind they use in those fancy restaurants. I will do anything to win. Not only will I hoard players whenever possible, I will give your grandmother Covid. As for indigenous owners, I have it on good authority that “indigenous” derives from a Sanskrit word meaning “belonging to the soil,” so yeah, like I really give a shit what the dirtbag owners think! That’s entomology, bitches, and if you think I don’t know what that means, may a thousands wasps sting you in the dick!”

BERNIE HALTS GOATS’ QB GRAB ‘No place for monopoly quarterbackism,’ Commish says

In his first major test as NFFA Commissioner, Bernie Sanders ordered the Sylvan Goats to drop five of the 10 quarterbacks on their roster.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya

FSN News

In an unprecedented move, NFFA Commissioner Bernie Sanders intervened early Thursday into a team’s roster management, ordering the Sylvan Goats to release five newly signed quarterbacks from its roster.

The decision, which Sanders said was “in the best interests of fantasy football and democratic socialist values,” came after the Goats filled their 23-man roster with 10 QBs, leaving only the minimum required number of players at all of the other positions. Sources inside the organization said the unusual roster move was aimed against the Goats’ opponent this week, the defending-champion Cambridge Animals, who at the time had only QB Mike White available this week. 

“Basically, our owner Mark Zuckerberg, er, Wollaeger, thought it would a good idea to scoop up any QBs the Animals might want to pick up for this week,” said one source, who requested anonymity. “He called it a pre-emptive nuclear strike.”

The Goats’ strike drew immediate criticism from around the league and in the media. Ballers’ owner Mojo D described the move as “un-woke.” Reached at his London nightclub, the Crossfire Hurricane, Black Dogs owner and former commissioner Bill Money, said, “This is Bobberesque – you might say, ‘bobbaric.’”

Beelzebubbas owner Mos Ded tweeted that, “It looks like [Goats coach Bronko] Nagurski tried to cut off his dick to spite his dickface.”

At Fairleigh Ridiculous University, where Animals owner DTA holds a well-endowed chair, the Faculty Senate passed a resolution condemning the Goats’ action as “emotionally insensitive, fascist-adjacent and a reflection of unchecked privilege.”

In response, Sanders called for an emergency meeting of the NFFA Security Council, which includes the five founding franchises, often called the “Indigenous Owners.” Following their recommendation late Wednesday, Sanders ordered that the Goats could keep only five quarterbacks on their roster, meaning that five others would have to be released by noon Thursday.

“Let me be very clear,” Sanders said. “There is no place in the greatest fantasy sports league for monopoly quarterbackism. This cannot and will not stand.”