The Associated Web Press received the following information from a source within the Cambridge Animals organization yesterday. Its authenticity has been confirmed.
Unable to bear the humiliation of defeat, DTA has begun construction of a pyramid next to his Cambridge, Massachusetts compound where he and Nancy will hoard their empire's vast possessions, lie together one last time, and set off a holy conflagration that will, he says, “Blaze up into the heavens for all eternity, because it will be fueled by some fifty thousand tons of fine crack cocaine and crystal.”
In a statement read by the ghost of Garrett Morris for the benefit of the Linardos, DTA says, “All of my life has been modeled upon that other great world leader and female impersonator Cleopatra VII, and so shall be my death.”
He will of course be followed in death by his entire, devoted “Staff of Ten Thousand”: Animal Spokesperson (G.O.) Leon Spinks, Animal Consort and Head Coach Joe Willie Namath, Team Plaything Lance Alworth, various exotic animals, along with all the other mulleted redneck freaks who've helped him build his empire in garages and feed stores across this great land of ours.
In honor of his own mixed heritage and in light of the Michael Vick tragedy, he has humbly requested that all the Southern NFFA owners free their slaves at once, “and if any of those owners have loved DTA enough to allow those slaves to beat them to death with cats, so be it: their remains may then rest for all time alongside mine and Nancy's, assuming of course that Nancy actually burns, which is in some doubt.”
— Spinks, Ghost of
Could this really be the end of DTA and his absurd "empire"? Could we, unlike our slaves, finally be free?
ReplyDeleteThis could be the greatest Christmas present in NFFA history...unless, of course, it's another of his cruel and tasteless jokes after which he'll continue to torment us with his gigantic ego/afro and his pathetic excuse for a team that's really more like a bunch of hideous loser rockettes. We can only hope this pyramid isn't really some sort of commie spaceship from which he could orchestrate another season of horror, but this time using some sort of fantastic tractor beam to control our players from space. God knows, that would be even worse than what we've had to deal with, even though that's hard and painful to imagine.
I suppose DTA's sons will take over the franchise, most likely Wilder, who has been involved behind the scenes in some of the Animals' recent successful player moves, including the acquisition of half the Patriots' squad..
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