IS COMMISSIONER MONEY GOING ‘ROGER GOODELL’ ON THE NFFA?

Commissioner Money standing in front of NFFA
headquarters in downtown Nashvegas. FILE/AWP

IS COMMISSIONER MONEY GOING ‘ROGER GOODELL’ ON THE NFFA?
Commentary

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

One has to wonder, in these days of fear and terror, if Commissioner William D. Money hasn’t gone “Roger Goodell” on the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association.

According to reliable NFFA sources, Money spent time with Goodell when the NFL Commissioner was in Nashvegas a few weeks ago. And last week, after he had quaffed four Touchdown Tasers™ in less than 90 minutes, Money allegedly told Devlin Redd, head bartender at the Cherry Bomb Café, that he considered Goodell his new mentor. “It was Roger this and Roger that, and how he had to crack the whip, like his precious Roger,” Redd recalled. According to the bartender, Money said Goodell had cautioned him to protect the league’s brand and specifically mentioned the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and 12th Avenue Bakers as franchises who were hurting the league’s image. He added that Goodell considered Triki Bobber and G.Q. Denney “worse than Al Davis.”

Sources close to Bobber confirmed that the commissioner recently had "been up Triki's butt." In fairness, it should be pointed out that Bakers' mouthpiece Faith Popcorn said Denney "had no memory of the commissioner being up his butt."

Now, in light of recent developments in which representatives of at least two NFFA franchises sought to purposely breach the security of the league’s computer system, the AWP has learned that the commissioner plans to establish a powerful competition committee to be chaired by Atlanta Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica. The mission of the committee will be to maintain fair play in the league. Dominica was apparently selected because he is the cleanest of all the NFFA owners, which speaks volumes about the league.

The AWP also has learned that Money has instructed NFFA attorneys to explore whether or not fantasy league commissioners were given sweeping powers as part of the Homeland Securities Act.

And the suspension this week of all-star wide receiver Marvin Harrison until 2011 for his alleged involvement in human pit fights held on Fidalgo Island represents the most extreme example of the commissioner's recent muscle flexing.

All of which causes this observer to wonder if Commissioner Money is out of control. And the answer would appear to be a resounding yes.

R.E. Porter is senior NFFA writer for the Associated Web Press.

DENNEY AT HUMAN PIT FIGHT

G.Q. Denney (shown upper left in circle) is shown in this magnified photo sitting behind suspended fantasy player Marvin Harrison and near Senator Larry Craig and actor Owen Wilson at one of Triki Bobber's human pit fights on Fidalgo Island.

DENNEY AT HUMAN PIT FIGHT
Bakers owner cleared of wrongdoing

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a shocking development that could bring chaos at the next NFFA owners meeting, the commissioner’s office confirmed today that G.Q. Denney, owner of the 12th Avenue Bakers, was among those in the audience at a human pit fighting event on Fidalgo Island.

When journalists examined a screen-capture photo from one of the illicit videos, released yesterday by the NFFA, they quickly spotted a person that appeared to be Denney, sitting behind Marvin Harrison and near Sen. Larry Craig (R-Idaho) and actor Owen Wilson.

When confronted about the visual image, Bakers’ spokesperson Faith Popcorn confirmed that it was Denney.

However, she claimed, the NFFA had fully investigated the incident and cleared the Bakers’ owner. “G.Q. told the commissioner he had no memory of attending any human pit fight, and he passed a polygraph test to prove it.”

When pressed by reporters, Popcorn added that Denney had no memory of taking a polygraph test. She suggested that agents working for Triki Bobber might have drugged and abducted Denney and taken him to the fight on Fidalgo Island. “Let’s not forget,” she said, “that we’re dealing with someone who is criminally insane and tried to trick Mr. Denney a year ago into blowing up the Cherry Bomb Café. Now that he’s been cleared, Mr. Denney is committed to helping find the real killer.”

BREAKING NEWS: BOBBER ACCUSED OF BRIBERY

Is Triki Bobber's ship sinking?

BREAKING NEWS: BOBBER ACCUSED OF BRIBERY

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

Triki Bobber, the beleaguered owner of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, allegedly paid an undisclosed sum of money to the internet company which hosts the NFFA to gain a competitive advantage over the league's other teams, the AWP has learned.

According to sources within league headquarters, commissioner William D. Money is in possession of an email from the president of Fanstar Football, which acknowleges that the company accepted a bribe from Bobber. The email states in part, "Sea Hogs have paid us off to subliminally get in your head."

Apparently, the commissioner learned of the bribery after several team owners reported their owner photos and team logos had been replaced by Bobber's photo and the Sea Hogs' logo. Money is expected to make an official statement on the matter by tomorrow, at the latest. Attempts to reach Bobber were unsuccessful.

HARRISON SUSPENDED UNTIL 2011

Frame-by-frame analysis of human death match videos seized on Fidalgo Island
reveal (bottom left to right in the magnified inset) Marvin Harrison, Sen.
Larry Craig and Owen Wilson in the audience.

HARRISON SUSPENDED UNTIL 2011
Human Pit Fighting ‘over the top,’ commish says

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a shocking development that could bring chaos upon the NFFA’s new season, Commissioner William D. Money announced yesterday that All-Star WR Marvin Harrison has been suspended until October 2011 for involvement in human pit fighting.

“We have clear evidence,” an unusually subdued Money said, reading from a prepared statement at the beginning of a hastily called news conference at NFFA headquarters. “We know that human death matches were taking place on Fidalgo Island because General [George Washington] Leonard found the pits last year during the invasion. More recently, we have video proof that Mr. Harrison attended these matches.

“Such conduct,” Money said, “is over the top, even for this league.”

Sources familiar with the league’s investigation say that the videotapes, which were found among the massive collection of pornographic tapes confiscated from Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Triki Bobber's mansion during the invasion, showed Harrison in the crowd during one of the fights. Also seated nearby were Senator Larry Craig (R-Idaho) and actor Owen Wilson. (Wilson’s recent apparent suicide attempt, sources said, came after he learned that he would be linked to the pit fighting operation.)

Investigators apparently found that Bobber was engaged in a complex operation with the government of North Korea to import human slaves used in the fights. In return, Bobber made cash payments of as much as $1 million per person to North Korea, which has been desperate for hard currency.

In an ironic twist, the North Korean government apparently was unaware that Bobber had been paying for the slaves with bundles of counterfeit $100 bills produced on Fidalgo Island. The presses and plates were discovered by U.S. Special Forces during last year’s invasion. Previously, U.S. counterterrorism experts had believed that North Korea had been producing the counterfeit bills instead of merely putting them into circulation unwittingly.

The Sea Hogs owner apparently also had been selling DVDs of the human fights on the black market. Only after federal agents studied some of the confiscated tapes did they alert the NFFA to Harrison’s presence.

Harrison’s agent claimed late yesterday that his client is innocent and being framed. “If you look at the photos,” he said, “it’s obvious that they’ve been crudely doctored to insert Marvin. “Everyone knows Marvin is a straight arrow. This smells like something the powers behind the NFFA cooked up to screw the Alamo Scouts.” The Scouts had drafted Harrison two days before the suspension was announced.

Asked by a reporter why the league was suspending Harrison while taking no action against Bobber, Commissioner Money first pretended not to hear the question, then announced that the news conference was over and abruptly left the room.

As he departed, Money was overheard by at least one reporter to mutter, “I’m scared of that criminally insane mutha [expletive].”

BIGGS HACKS NFFA COMPUTERS

Boyd X. Biggs claims to have hacked into these
computers at Fanstar's headquarters in Arizona.

BIGGS HACKS NFFA COMPUTERS
‘Protection against Sea Hogs,’ coach claims

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports Network

In a shocking development that could bring chaos upon the NFFA’s preseason draft, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas announced that the team’s coach, Boyd X. Biggs, had hacked into the league’s database.

The first sign that something was amiss appeared on Friday afternoon when Biggs filed a protest with Commissioner William D. Money that the Sea Hogs had illegally tabbed QB Peyton Manning as one of their “keepers” on defense. League sources say, when Money checked the player rankings on his own computer, he discovered that Manning apparently had been switched from QB to linebacker. He quickly corrected the error and phoned Sea Hogs’ owner Triki Bobber, who alleged that Biggs, rather than a system glitch, had been responsible. Money promptly changed all the league passwords and promised a thorough review of the NFFA’s security procedures. Sources say that his attempts to contact Biggs Friday night were unsuccessful.

On Saturday, however, Beelzebubbas’ Director of Community Relations, Wiley Peyote, read a statement in which Biggs acknowledged hacking into the system. “In light of evidence found by General George Washington Leonard that the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs illegally hacked into the system last year to manipulate team scoring and other data, we performed a security test yesterday to assess the ability of the new Fanstar system to resist attempted breaches. Obviously, the system is vulnerable and needs an immediate upgrade so that it cannot be penetrated by criminally insane elements.

“Also, the statement concluded, “the Sea Hogs need to know that others can play their game.”

Efforts by FSN to contact the reclusive Bobber were unsuccessful. According to a woman who identified herself as the ticket manager, Bobber is away and will direct his team’s draft from aboard his yacht, the Fatal Attraction II, which is believed to be somewhere in the North Pacific.