‘ALL BETS ARE OFF’ Green declared winners in advance of 2025 season

Greens owner Dave Goodrow — the man who would be king.

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

In a development that shook the venerable NFFA to its core, the Village Green completed a trade last week that brought RB Jahmyr Gibbs to their star-studded roster—and triggered a new, all-bets-are-off reality for the league.

After the trade, which sent Pakua Nacua to the Ballers, robust preseason betting activity at the Club Gitmo Sports Book dropped to zero, said Saddam Hussein, President of Iraq and CEO of Gitmo Sports Betting. 

“I’ve never seen anything like this,” said Hussein. “Even after the fall of Baghdad, we were still taking bets at the Fallujah Sports Book. What happened with the Green puts us in uncharted territory. Nobody is willing to bet now; everyone considers the Green what you call a shoo-in. Under the circumstances, we had little choice but to take all odds on this year’s champion off the table.” 

The NFFA Writers Association has also anointed the Green as this year’s champion, posting a story that described “the actual games this season as a mere formality,” and naming the team’s Stuart Smalley as Coach of the Year. 

“He’s good enough, and he’s smart enough,” wrote the Tennessean’s Woody Larry, “and now with Joe Burrow, JaMarr Chase and Jahmyr Gibbs he has the greatest talent ever assembled on one team before a season began.

“Though let’s be real: Even [former Bakers coach] Stumpy Legg could win a title with this team.”

Hussein noted that, in response to the trade, the Sports Book had opened a betting line for anyone willing to wager that the Green would NOT win the title. “Even then, we couldn’t get any takers,” he said. “We’ve pivoted to prop bets to get enough action to keep the lights on here.” 

As one example, Hussein cited the availability of odds on which round the London Bakers would use to draft rookie QB Cam Ward. Bettors could bet on a particular round and also wager on the over/under, which was set at 4.5 rounds. Betting on that proposition was reported as “extremely brisk” this afternoon. 

“I personally know that (Black Dogs Coach) Jim McMahon bet 100 Linardos that the Bakers would take Cam in Round 2,” Larry said. “I know this because I was standing right behind him in line, preparing to put my whole paycheck on the under.”

Larry also dropped a bombshell, suggesting McMahon had inside information before his bet. 

“While we were waiting in line,” Larry wrote, “Mac told me that (Bakers owner) QCurl Sharif had been holding seances with Rob Bironas and Steve McNair to ask their advice about when to draft Ward. He said he learned about it from Meta World Death, who was ‘on the other side’ when he walked into Bironas’ room to invite him for a drink and saw him engaged in the séance with Sharif. 

Apparently, that’s what Sir Q has been doing when he tells people he’s going to his sensory deprivation chamber. He's been locking himself in a private room and summoning his dead players. It’s eerily reminiscent of the dark days when he was talking to the paintings upstairs at the Cherry Bomb.”

In recent weeks, Sharif’s Paisley Humvee has been spotted entering the cemetery in Nashville’s Berry Hill area where Bironas is buried. Though Bakers security personnel prevented journalists from entering the cemetery while Sharif’s vehicle was there, visitors who came after the Bakers owner departed showed reporters items they claim to have found at Bironas’ gravesite, including an Ouija board, several Mexican saints’ candles, a signed Bironas jersey,  empty Grey Goose vodka bottles and an opium pipe.

Sharif could not be reached for comment. Bakers spokesmaven Faith Popcorn said he was “in seclusion and must not be disturbed.”

NFFA KICKS OFF 24TH SEASONFirst Round Mock Draft, Projected Keepers

Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon hopes to be the
first coach to beat the Curse of the Champion.

By R.E. Porter 
Associated Web Press 

The 24th season of the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association is upon us. The East Nashville Black Dogs will begin the defense of their fifth NFFA title on Sept. 4 when they host the Cambridge Animals at the Dawg House in a matchup of the league's last two champions.

Animals head coach Doc the Animal felt the wrath of the Curse of the Champion last season. Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon, who helmed four of the Dogs’ five championships, has felt the Curse’s sting three previous times. Although the league has never had a repeat champion, McMahon told AWP he thinks the Curse of the Champion will lose eventually.

“Let’s face it — no one goes undefeated forever,” said McMahon, speaking from his quarters at Club Gitmo on Saturday. “I know the Curse is 22-0, but he’s going to lose at some point, and I’m thinking it may as well be this year.”

One major change going into the 2025 season is the move by the Midtown Browns to Seattle. Team president Joey “Little Tony” Vietti informed the AWP the franchise will now be known as the Puget Browns and indicated they will be unveiling a new logo in the coming days.

The pre-draft trade period kicked off yesterday and the rumor mill is working overtime. One prominent rumor has the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, who have the first overall pick, and the London Bakers swapping first-round picks to enable the Bakers to draft RB Derrick Henry. In addition to the Bakers’ sixth overall pick, the Beelzebubbas would receive additional compensation. One source says the ’Bubbas are looking to also receive the Bakers’ 2026 first-round pick.

There is also buzz about a potential trade between the Village Green and the Ballers. A source close to Ballers’ owner Mojo D tells the AWP the team has proposed swapping RB Saquon Barkley for Green WR Ja’Marr Chase. At press time, no word on whether the Green are interested in that deal.

There has also been some speculation that both the Boca Chica Daddies and the Browns are looking to make a trade for a starting QB prior to the keeper deadline, although the Daddies may now be satisfied with their free-agent pickup of Baker Mayfield. Matthew Stafford is the only keeper-eligible QB on the Browns roster, and he has yet to participate in the team’s training camp.

Projected Keepers

Here are the players the AWP projects to be each teams’ keepers based on their rosters as of August 16:

Animals

QB Josh Allen BUF

RB Jonathan Taylor IND

WR Nico Collins HOU

DL Trey Hendrickson CIN*

LB Foyesade Oluokun JAC

DB Kevin Byard CHI

Bakers

QB Jalen Hurts PHI

RB Tony Pollard TEN

WR Brian Thomas Jr. JAC

DL Andrew Van Ginkel MIN

LB Robert Spillane NEP

DB Budda Baker ARI

Ballers

QB Jayden Daniels WAS

RB Saquon Barkley PHI

WR Terry McLauren WAS* 

DL Myles Garrett CLE

LB Bobby Wadner WAS

DB Kyle Hamilton BAL

Beelzebubbas

QB C.J. Stroud HOU

RB Joe Mixon HOU

WR Deebo Samuel WAS

DL Nick Bosa SFO

LB Zack Baun PHI

DB Kerby Joseph DET

Black Dogs

QB Patrick Mahomes KCC

RB Alvin Kamara NOS

WR A.J. Brown PHI

DL Brian Burns NYG

LB Jordan Brooks MIA

DB Keisean Nixon GBP

Browns

QB Matthew Stafford LAR

RB De’Von Achane MIA

WR Amon-Ra St. Brown

DL T.J. Watt PIT

LB T.J. Edwards CHI

DB Julian Love SEA

Daddies

QB Baker Mayfield TBB

RB Bijan Robinson ATL

WR Mike Evans TBB

DL Aiden Hutchinson DET

LB Fred Warner SFO

DB Nick Cross IND

Green

QB Joe Burrow CIN

RB Christian McCaffrey SFO

WR Ja’Marr Chase CIN

DL Maxx Crosby LVR

LB Germaine Pratt LVR

DB Brian Branch DET

* Players currently in a contract dispute

Mock Draft: Round One

The AWP also has projected round one of the 2025 NFFA draft scheduled for the evening of Monday, Sept. 1.

1-1 Beelzebubbas: RB Derrick Henry BAL

1-2 Green: RB Jahmyr Gibbs DET

1-3 Daddies: WR Justin Jefferson MIN

1-4 Ballers: RB Bijan Robinson ATL

1-5 Animals: RB Kyron Williams LAR

1-6 Bakers: RB James Cook BUF

1-7 Browns: QB Lamar Jackson BAL

1-8 Black Dogs: RB James Conner ARI

‘TARGETS ON THEIR BACKS’ DOGE investigates Bakers and Animals; sanctions threatened

This week, the world learned that First Lady Melania Trump refers to Sir QCurl Sharif and Dave the Animal as "Moose and Squirrel."

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

 

In an ominous development for the future of the NFFA, two of the league’s founding franchises appear to be in the crosshairs of the Department of Government Efficiency (or DOGE), the shadowy, quasi-governmental organization delegated by President Donald Trump to investigate federal spending.

 

In a confidential memo leaked to FSN Sports, Trump advisor Elon Musk wrote that he intended to “get Moose and Squirrel”—an apparent reference to the terms used by First Lady Melania Trump for Animals owner Dave the Animal and Bakers owner QCurl Sharif.

 

“We’ll put targets on their backs immediately,” the memo said.

 

Reporters have yet to determine whether DTA or QCS is the owner Melania describes as “Squirrel” in her references to the old Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons.

 

While the memo did not outline the specific reasons for targeting the two franchises, narratives circulating in right-wing media provided some clues.

 

Last week on Faux News, guest commentator Richard “Dick” Zucker, described as a national security analyst for the AmericanWhite Citizens Council, claimed that the US Agency for International Development had sent Gaza, at taxpayer expense, 1 billion condoms bearing the London Bakers logo.

 

Amid the absence of Sharif, team advisor Martha Stewart commented on the report: “While it is true that the Bakers promote thoughtful family planning around the world, and while it is true that we have distributed prophylactic devices with our team logo, no taxpayer dollars were involved. It was entirely from Mr. Sharif’s personal fortune, supplemented by funds from the Sod Bakers for a Greener World Foundation.”

 

Separately, President Donald Trump announced a tariff of 1,000% on Baker-logo nipple rings, which are manufactured in Moldova, and an unprecedented travel ban from London to NFFA cities in the US on weekends when the Bakers visit for road games. 

 

In response, Bakers spokesmaven Faith Popcorn told a reportervia a Zoom call: “Do you think we should tell Trump that fans from London will just fly to Canada first before coming to games in Nashvegas, Cambridge or Boca Chica? Or should we just let him be surprised when thousands of people with Union Jacks and Baker jerseys appear in the stadiums as if by magic?” And then, in an obvious imitation of league founder JorgéLinardo, she leaned back her head and laughed silently.

 

Meanwhile, Musk claimed on his social media platform, Xitter, that Methlon Enterprises had inappropriately used a grant from the National Science Foundation for research and development of “an airborne virus that would turn people gay.” He promised to “nip this in the butt” and “make Methlon pay with their lives.”

 

When reached for comment on this story, Methlon Chairman DTA responded by email. “There was never any NSF grant, and my involvement with the government on science and health initiatives was confined to my service during the first Trump administration as the lead negotiator with Covid-19.

 

“Since my departure from government, I have remained in conversations with Covid—or Covie, as he likes his friends to call him—about the hopes and aspirations of the Virus Community. Though we had planned to announce this at a later date, when the technology is perfected, I am pleased to say that Methlon and Covid are at an advanced stage of development for a new airborne- and water-borne life form that you humans call a virus which will turn my prophecy that in the future everyone will be gay into a brilliant and rainbow-hued reality. Soon, we will Make America Gay Again in a way that it never was. And when that happens, the world will wake up and realize that Methlon has carefully invested funds to achieve monopoly ownership of all interior design businesses, Broadway show tunes, V-neck tennis sweaters, and the rights to the color chartreuse, among other assets.”

 

This is a developing story.

Snoop out, QCS still AWOL

Following protests that have continued every day in front of Sir QCurl Sharif’s West End Treehouse, QCS issued a statement through Popcorn Media: “It is with great sadness the Baker organization has terminated its contract, which was just extended last year, with the winningest coach in franchise history—Snoop Dogg. It is the result of a grievous and public betrayal. Our focus is now on the search for a new head coach of this proud organization.”

 

The statement said this would be the only comment Sharif would have on the matter until a new coach is announced. There was no word on possible candidates or timeline for the abrupt and shocking coaching vacancy. 

 

Meanwhile, because the statement was released through Popcorn Media and QCS has not been seen in public for seven weeks, speculation continued to run rampant as to his whereabouts and fate. 

 

Observers have also wondered who, if anyone, is in charge of the Baker organization at present. There has been no word of interviews of any candidates for the team’s head coaching vacancy. Rumors swirled that Friend of the Team Beyoncé, who has previous NFFA coaching experience, is running the personnel and field operations in the interim.

 

“We all know that Sir Q needs a lot of quiet time to process stressful situations, and few situations in the team’s history have been more stressful than this, so we’re all giving him a lot of space,” said one fellow NFFA owner who wished not to go on the record. “And we know that Q is prone to long and unexplained disappearances, such as the time he addressed the United Nations and then went missing for two weeks before he turned up in Libya. Even by Bakers’ standards, though, two months of radio silence is a lot.

 

“But we also have learned to fear the worst whenever there’s a story involving the Bakers, so everybody is praying extra hard to Yahweh, Jesus, Shiva, Satan and anyone else who might be able to keep Sharif safe.

Linardo feted at Oscars party

Many Hollywood observers were pleasantly surprised by the appearance of NFFA Founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo at a pre-Oscar party in Hollywood on Sunday afternoon. The event was hosted by Searchlight Pictures, which released the Academy Award-nominated film A Complete Unknown. Dr. Linardo was accompanied by Hollywood mogul and Animals coach, Doc the Animal.

 

At the party, actor Timothee Chalemet, nominated for Best Actor for his portrayal of Bob Dylan, took the microphone and said, “I’d like to acknowledge someone whose behind-the-scenes role in this film was, well, completely unknown—until now.” 

 

Chalemet went on to explain that Dr. Linardo, a longtime friend of Dylan, had served as a dialogue and voice coach during the five years he spent learning to speak and sing like Dylan. “Thank you, Jefé, mi corazon. If I win tonight, half of the statuette belongs to you.

 

Then, in what appeared to be an unscripted moment, Chalemet produced a guitar and serenaded the league founder with a slightly modified version of Dylan’s John Wesley Harding, a song he said Linardo had taught him to play:

 

Jorgé Linardo was a friend to the poor.

He traveled with a gun in every hand

And all across the countryside

He opened many a door

But he was never known

To hurt an honest man.