‘TARGETS ON THEIR BACKS’ DOGE investigates Bakers and Animals; sanctions threatened

This week, the world learned that First Lady Melania Trump refers to Sir QCurl Sharif and Dave the Animal as "Moose and Squirrel."

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

 

In an ominous development for the future of the NFFA, two of the league’s founding franchises appear to be in the crosshairs of the Department of Government Efficiency (or DOGE), the shadowy, quasi-governmental organization delegated by President Donald Trump to investigate federal spending.

 

In a confidential memo leaked to FSN Sports, Trump advisor Elon Musk wrote that he intended to “get Moose and Squirrel”—an apparent reference to the terms used by First Lady Melania Trump for Animals owner Dave the Animal and Bakers owner QCurl Sharif.

 

“We’ll put targets on their backs immediately,” the memo said.

 

Reporters have yet to determine whether DTA or QCS is the owner Melania describes as “Squirrel” in her references to the old Rocky & Bullwinkle cartoons.

 

While the memo did not outline the specific reasons for targeting the two franchises, narratives circulating in right-wing media provided some clues.

 

Last week on Faux News, guest commentator Richard “Dick” Zucker, described as a national security analyst for the AmericanWhite Citizens Council, claimed that the US Agency for International Development had sent Gaza, at taxpayer expense, 1 billion condoms bearing the London Bakers logo.

 

Amid the absence of Sharif, team advisor Martha Stewart commented on the report: “While it is true that the Bakers promote thoughtful family planning around the world, and while it is true that we have distributed prophylactic devices with our team logo, no taxpayer dollars were involved. It was entirely from Mr. Sharif’s personal fortune, supplemented by funds from the Sod Bakers for a Greener World Foundation.”

 

Separately, President Donald Trump announced a tariff of 1,000% on Baker-logo nipple rings, which are manufactured in Moldova, and an unprecedented travel ban from London to NFFA cities in the US on weekends when the Bakers visit for road games. 

 

In response, Bakers spokesmaven Faith Popcorn told a reportervia a Zoom call: “Do you think we should tell Trump that fans from London will just fly to Canada first before coming to games in Nashvegas, Cambridge or Boca Chica? Or should we just let him be surprised when thousands of people with Union Jacks and Baker jerseys appear in the stadiums as if by magic?” And then, in an obvious imitation of league founder JorgéLinardo, she leaned back her head and laughed silently.

 

Meanwhile, Musk claimed on his social media platform, Xitter, that Methlon Enterprises had inappropriately used a grant from the National Science Foundation for research and development of “an airborne virus that would turn people gay.” He promised to “nip this in the butt” and “make Methlon pay with their lives.”

 

When reached for comment on this story, Methlon Chairman DTA responded by email. “There was never any NSF grant, and my involvement with the government on science and health initiatives was confined to my service during the first Trump administration as the lead negotiator with Covid-19.

 

“Since my departure from government, I have remained in conversations with Covid—or Covie, as he likes his friends to call him—about the hopes and aspirations of the Virus Community. Though we had planned to announce this at a later date, when the technology is perfected, I am pleased to say that Methlon and Covid are at an advanced stage of development for a new airborne- and water-borne life form that you humans call a virus which will turn my prophecy that in the future everyone will be gay into a brilliant and rainbow-hued reality. Soon, we will Make America Gay Again in a way that it never was. And when that happens, the world will wake up and realize that Methlon has carefully invested funds to achieve monopoly ownership of all interior design businesses, Broadway show tunes, V-neck tennis sweaters, and the rights to the color chartreuse, among other assets.”

 

This is a developing story.

Snoop out, QCS still AWOL

Following protests that have continued every day in front of Sir QCurl Sharif’s West End Treehouse, QCS issued a statement through Popcorn Media: “It is with great sadness the Baker organization has terminated its contract, which was just extended last year, with the winningest coach in franchise history—Snoop Dogg. It is the result of a grievous and public betrayal. Our focus is now on the search for a new head coach of this proud organization.”

 

The statement said this would be the only comment Sharif would have on the matter until a new coach is announced. There was no word on possible candidates or timeline for the abrupt and shocking coaching vacancy. 

 

Meanwhile, because the statement was released through Popcorn Media and QCS has not been seen in public for seven weeks, speculation continued to run rampant as to his whereabouts and fate. 

 

Observers have also wondered who, if anyone, is in charge of the Baker organization at present. There has been no word of interviews of any candidates for the team’s head coaching vacancy. Rumors swirled that Friend of the Team Beyoncé, who has previous NFFA coaching experience, is running the personnel and field operations in the interim.

 

“We all know that Sir Q needs a lot of quiet time to process stressful situations, and few situations in the team’s history have been more stressful than this, so we’re all giving him a lot of space,” said one fellow NFFA owner who wished not to go on the record. “And we know that Q is prone to long and unexplained disappearances, such as the time he addressed the United Nations and then went missing for two weeks before he turned up in Libya. Even by Bakers’ standards, though, two months of radio silence is a lot.

 

“But we also have learned to fear the worst whenever there’s a story involving the Bakers, so everybody is praying extra hard to Yahweh, Jesus, Shiva, Satan and anyone else who might be able to keep Sharif safe.

Linardo feted at Oscars party

Many Hollywood observers were pleasantly surprised by the appearance of NFFA Founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo at a pre-Oscar party in Hollywood on Sunday afternoon. The event was hosted by Searchlight Pictures, which released the Academy Award-nominated film A Complete Unknown. Dr. Linardo was accompanied by Hollywood mogul and Animals coach, Doc the Animal.

 

At the party, actor Timothee Chalemet, nominated for Best Actor for his portrayal of Bob Dylan, took the microphone and said, “I’d like to acknowledge someone whose behind-the-scenes role in this film was, well, completely unknown—until now.” 

 

Chalemet went on to explain that Dr. Linardo, a longtime friend of Dylan, had served as a dialogue and voice coach during the five years he spent learning to speak and sing like Dylan. “Thank you, Jefé, mi corazon. If I win tonight, half of the statuette belongs to you.

 

Then, in what appeared to be an unscripted moment, Chalemet produced a guitar and serenaded the league founder with a slightly modified version of Dylan’s John Wesley Harding, a song he said Linardo had taught him to play:

 

Jorgé Linardo was a friend to the poor.

He traveled with a gun in every hand

And all across the countryside

He opened many a door

But he was never known

To hurt an honest man.

BAKER WORLD ON FIRE Is Snoop still in? And where is Sharif?

(Ex?) London Bakers Coach Snoop Dogg just after performing at a Trump pre-inaugural event he christened as Mar-a-Doggo. 

By Ariel-Mutha Tafoya

FSN Sports

 

In a development that threatens the integrity and perhaps the very existence of the NFFA, the embrace of Donald Trump by Bakers coach Snoop Dogg has spurred protests in Europe and the US, led to calls for Snoop’s dismissal (or worse), and created repercussions that resounded across the entire league.

 

Meanwhile, amid the crisis, Bakers owner Sir QCurl Sharif seems to have disappeared, leading to rumors and wild speculation as to his whereabouts and the reasons for his silence so far.

 

Last weekend, before the swearing-in of Donald Trump on January 20, Snoop performed at a pre-inaugural event on Trump’s behalf—a dramatic turnabout from the video he produced during Trump’s first term that included a thinly veiled call for the president’s assassination. The Bakers organization appeared to have been blindsided by Snoop’s cozy embrace of Trump. 

 

Reached on the evening of January 18—his last known contact with the outside world—Sharif told a reporter that the Bakers’ leadership team was in an “urgent, closed-door meeting to determine [Snoop’s] fate.” Other sources depicted a chaotic scene in which “QCS was doing a lot of hallucinogens,” while team advisor Martha Stewart was wandering through Sharif’s West End Treehouse in a drunken stupor, rearranging flowers, and Friend of the Bakers Beyoncé was urging the owner to part ways with their coach immediately.

 

Since then, Sharif has not appeared in public. He failed to show up on Sunday morning for an emergency meeting of the NFFA Security Council called by league commissioner Bernie Sanders. One source said that Sharif had retreated to his sensory deprivation chamber, where he often holes up during times of crisis. Another source claimed to have seen him ascending the remote mesa that is home to Zuni Pueblo in the New Mexico desert. Neither of these accounts could be immediately confirmed.

 

Sharif’s disappearance also has given rise to rumors that he is being held hostage after Snoop revealed his whereabouts to Trump’s FBI—and that Trump might turn him over to Vladimir Putin, who has placed a $10 million bounty on Sharif’s head following his involvement in Ukraine’s incursion into Russian territory. Some speculated that Snoop had turned over team secrets to Trump’s team, which planned to sell them to Russia. Still other rumors swirled that Sharif had been murdered and buried under concrete being poured for Nashville’s new NFL stadium.

 

Meanwhile, the crisis created by Snoop’s embrace of Trump—whose threats helped prompt the Bakers’ move to London in 2017—only intensified in Sharif’s absence. In a statement issued after the Security Council meeting, Sanders said, “The Bakers have long been the moral heart and soul of this league and the staunchest defenders of its integrity. When a beloved head coach, and Sir Q’s close friend and confidante, cozies up to a figure who our founder, Dr. Linardo, has likened to Hitler, it brings the integrity of the entire league into question. It threatens to turn the NFFA into just another sports league instead of the greatest fantasy league of all time.”

 

After the news of Snoop’s performance at the Trump gala broke, protesters were seen in front of the Tree House. The crowds, which have steadily grown since Sunday to a number that police estimated at 5,000, at one point Tuesday afternoon blocked off the westbound lanes of West End Avenue. Some derisively labeled the fabled location where Barack Obama and Joe Biden once attended all-night “green caviar” parties, as the “Trump Treehouse.”

 

Other protests erupted in front of the Bakers’ old Cherry Bomb Café headquarters, where 12 South activist Roz Tefarian held a sign that read “Weed Out Snoop.” NFFA headquarters in downtown Nashville became a third protest site, where Bakers fan Jeff Lebowski commandeered a bullhorn and told the crowd, “This aggression will not stand, man!”

 

In London, several hundred people held a candlelight vigil for Sharif in Piccadilly Circus, praying for his safe return and singing “God Save Sir Q” to the tune of “God Save the Queen.”

 

In one disturbing development, Bakers superfan Bill Cheatham was arrested outside Sharif’s One-Eyed Pig club in London, where police said he was behaving erratically and found to be carrying a 3-D-printed ghost gun. A source with Scotland Yard said that Cheatham may have been planning to assassinate Sharif.

 

King Charles III, who normally does not comment on political affairs, raised eyebrows when he said on Wednesday that, if Snoop remained in the Bakers’ organization, the British government might have to consider revoking a permit to hold the Bacchanal to the Future celebration every other year in Hyde Park. That, said economists, would inflict a major blow both on London’s tourist economy and on the NFFA’s prestige. Ringo Starr, who was confirmed last week as the Grand Marshall for the 2025 Bacchanal in Nashville, now is reportedly wavering after the news about Snoop Dogg.

“I’m worried Ringo may pull out,” said Meta World Death, who handles artist booking for the Bacchanal. “On the phone yesterday he told me, ‘I don’t ask for much, I only want trust, and you know it don’t come easy.’ QCurl sang with him onstage at the Ryman last week, and now he’s worried he can’t trust us not to be Trumpers.”

Pressure on Sharif to act is coming from fellow owners, too. On Wednesday afternoon, Village Green owner Dave Goodrow issued a statement saying, “I once embraced Donald Trump as a co-owner of my team, and I deeply regret it, of course, so I empathize with QCurl’s situation. But when the time came I did not hesitate from my duty to the integrity of the league to terminate with extreme prejudice my relationship with Trump. Now it is time — well past time — for Sharif to act. We are all depending on him to rise to the urgent moment, as he always done before.”

ONE FOR THE THUMB Black Dogs celebrate becoming first franchise to win five NFFA titles

Patrick Mahomes had a message for The Curse of the Champion in 2025.

By R.E. Porter

Associated Web Press

With their razor-thin win over the Midtown Browns last weekend, the East Nashville Black Dogs claimed the 2024 NFFA crown and became the first franchise with five championships. Saturday, the Black Dogs and their fans celebrated that feat with a parade up Woodland Street in East Nashville.

The victory parade featured floats sponsored by the team and East Nashville businesses including Grimey’s, The Basement East, The 5 Spot, Bongo East, 3 Crow Bar and Aimless Records, whose float featured Elmo Buzz and the Eastside Bulldogs. Buzz reworked the lyrics of his defiant East Nashville anthem "Eastside Bulldog" for the occasion. Instead of “bulldog,” Buzz sang, “I'm an Eastside Black Dog and I don't give a shit.”

The parade culminated at the Five Points intersection, which was blocked off for the celebration. A stage was set up between The Purple Building and Red Door Saloon, and representatives of the Black Dogs spoke to the gathered fans, who had braved the cold weather to celebrate their team’s unprecedented victory. Prior to their 158.9-156.3 win over the Browns, the Black Dogs shared the record for most NFFA titles at four with the Ballers and the Boca Chica Daddies.

Commissioner Bernie Sanders, who was on hand to present the Dead Lombardi trophy to the champions, kicked off the ceremony.

“I want to congratulate the East Nashville Black Dogs for their historic victory in the title game,” Sanders said. “As the league’s winningest franchise, it seems fitting they should be the first to get five championship rings. I’ve been told they call that ‘one for the thumb.’ 

“So, it gives me extreme pleasure to present the 2024 Dead Lombardi trophy to my good friend and Black Dogs owner Bill Money.”

Money stepped to the podium and accepted the trophy from the commissioner, then raised it high over his head and said, “East Nashville fucking rules,” which brought a roar of approval from the crowd, as well as whoops and whistles, and a big grin from Sanders.

“Thank you, Mr. Commissioner,” Money continued. “This was a season of ups and downs. We started 5-2, but then went 2-5, before rallying to win the final game to clinch our 13th division title over the past 21 years in what we call the league’s playoff era. 

“There are so many people who played a role in this championship, too many to name. But I did want to mention a few people. I’ll start with quarterback Patrick Mahomes, who put a 50-burger on the Browns in the title game. He’s the most celebrated quarterback to ever wear the Black Dogs uniform, and his championship pedigree shone through down the stretch. Then there’s our trio of running backs — Alvin Kamara, James Conner and Aaron Jones, who scored nearly 600 points between them. And George Kittle, who led all tight ends in scoring, was probably our most consistent player. He also was the heart and soul of the team, and had the best hair. And on defense, our secondary of Brandon Jones and Keisean Nixon led our playoff run. Great work, all of you.

“In addition, I want to express my appreciation to GM Rex Ryan. Rex engineered a great draft and continued to improve the team throughout the season. But his most important contribution to this title was his suggestion that we get Jim McMahon to come out of retirement and return as head coach.

“Jim, who led us to our first three titles, is the person who is probably most responsible for our fifth. He’s the greatest coach in NFFA history. In his 12th season, he got his fourth ring and his 11th division title. He’s never had a losing season, and after this year, owns a 110-59 regular-season record. That's a 65 percent winning percentage. He led the Black Dogs to championships in 2005, 2008 and 2011, with the 2008 team posting a perfect 16-0 record. His 2009 and 2012 squads were runner-ups to the title. In 12 seasons, he’s guided the Black Dogs to 11 division titles and taken us to the title game six times. Thank you, Jim, from the bottom of my heart for all of that and more.”

Money then handed the Dead Lombardi trophy to McMahon The coach gave the owner a warm embrace and held the trophy high to the cheers of the crowd. He was wearing his trademark shades, but the tracks of a few tears were visible on his tanned cheeks as he stepped to the microphone.

“Thank you, East Nashville,” McMahon began. “It’s great to be back, and it's especially sweet to win some more hardware. Bob Dylan once sang, ‘You can come back, but you can’t come back all the way.’ Well, Bob, I think you were wrong about that.”

McMahon beamed as the crowd went wild. “But really this trophy belongs to the players — they’re the ones who won it. So let me pass it off to this guy.”

McMahon handed the Dead Lombardi trophy to Mahomes, who promptly kissed it.

“One for the thumb, baby,” the quarterback yelled to the crowd. “I know everyone is cold, so I got just one thing to say, ‘Curse, we coming for ya in 2025!'”

The crowd began chanting, “Repeat! Repeat! Repeat! Repeat!”

It's worth noting that Cambridge Animals owner Dave the Animal, who is traveling from the future to the past, has prophesied that the 2024 champion will also win in 2025.