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CALIFORNIA DREAMING? Rumors swirl the 12th Avenue franchise will become L.A. Bakers

2012-01-28T10:49:00.015-06:00

Bakers owner QCurl Sharif was spotted with starlet Lindsay Lohan
during Wednesday night's Lakers-Clippers contest at Staples Center.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Widespread rumors that the 12th Avenue Bakers will relocate to Los Angeles during the offseason gained new momentum this week in the face of the failure of the Bakers’ organization to specifically deny them.

The rumors apparently were set off by a perhaps coincidental visit to the city by Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, who was spotted leaving the Los Angeles County Municipal Building and later was seen touring the Los Angeles Coliseum, which was the home field for the Raiders the last time pro football was played in the city. Sharif’s itinerary — he also reportedly met with actor and longtime friend George Clooney — fueled speculation that the purpose of the trip was to explore the possibility of relocating the beloved, but long-suffering NFFA franchise to California.

While they have not mentioned the Bakers’ organization by name as a target, officials in Los Angeles County have long been known to covet a return of professional football to the area.

In Los Angeles this week, the rumors triggered something of a groundswell of grassroots support for bringing Sharif’s team to town — including T-shirts sporting the name Los Angeles Bakers with a cannabis leaf in the background. Graffiti with the slogan ¡Viva Los Bakers! also has appeared around the city.

As some analysts have pointed out, the move would make sense on several levels. “The Bakers are just one among four teams fighting for attention and turf in Nashville,” noted ESPN’s Skip Clueless. “They could own the L.A. market. They already have a national following, thanks to QCurl and his high-profile celebrity friends, many of whom live in L.A. Plus, you saw what moving out of Nashville did for the Mojo, who were arguably the most festered operation in the history of the league. Sure, they choked this season, but at least they, like, tripled their average annual win total first. So a change of scenery might do the Bakes some good. And could you imagine how people would flock to a Cherry Bomb West?”

Bakers PR Maven Faith Popcorn said Sharif was unavailable for comment, only adding to the speculation about a move by the team. A spokesperson later said that Sharif’s visit to L.A. and meeting with Clooney involved the possibility of an investment in a bar in Brentwood that would be known as The Wine House, an apparent reference to Sharif’s former consort and the mother of the CurlBaby, the ill-fated child who was consumed by Shiva in November.

Oddsmakers like12TH AVENUE in 2012

2012-01-04T13:37:00.039-06:00

In a cell-phone photo taken last night at The Cherry Bomb Cafe, President Obama chats with QCurl Sharif after he placed a large bet on the Bakers to win the 2012 NFFA title.

NEWS ANALYSIS
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

FROM THE WHAT WERE THEY THINKING DEPARTMENT—Music City Sports Book officially kicked off the NFFA silly season yesterday when they released their opening odds for the 2012 season, and surprisingly —or maybe not, considering they are based inside The Cherry Bomb Cafe — they are picking the 12th Avenue Bakers as the favorite to take home the Dead Lombardi trophy.

The sports book installed the Bakers as the early 5-3 favorites, with The Village Green just behind at odds of 2-1. The defending champion East Nashville Black Dogs are next at 5-2, followed by 2011 runner-up Atlanta Smack Daddies at 3-1. Here is the complete list of the odds:

Odds to Win the 2012 NFFA Championship
12th Avenue Bakers 5-3
The Village Green 2-1
East Nashville Black Dogs 5-2
Atlanta Smack Daddies 3-1
Corsairs 4-1
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs 6-1
West Nashville Beelzebubbas 7-1
Cambridge Animals 10-1

It just so happened that President Barack Obama and his man Friday Reggie Love were at Music City Sports Book placing a wager on tonight’s Duke basketball game against Temple when their 2012 NFFA championship odds were made public. Obama and Love reportedly each put a grand on the Bakers, and saying he “loves an underdog,” the president also put $500 on the Cambridge Animals. “I heard this DTA guy is some kind of coaching genius,” Obama said. “And that he’s developed all the great quarterbacks in the league.” Later, the president was seen in a private room at the club, smoking and laughing with QCurl Sharif, owner of both the Bakers and The Cherry Bomb.

When asked about the thinking behind installing the Bakers as the early favorites, Music City Sports Book representative Wynn House said, “We looked at a combination of factors, including probable keepers and draft position. We ran a mock draft and realized the Bakers, who have three of the first 17 picks including the first pick overall, are positioned to have the best team next year. But those were really secondary considerations," he said. "The fact Shiva finally broke DTA’s curse in Curse Bowl II is what actually tipped the scales to the Bakes.”

In a rare look inside the oddsmaking process, House allowed the AWP access to their keeper projections and the first round of their 2012 mock draft.

Projected keepers

The following list of projected keepers is based on each team’s highest-scoring player at the keeper positions. Players are listed with their points-per-game average in parenthesis, with the total points per game for the six projected keepers in parenthesis next to the team name.

East Nashville Black Dogs (105.53 ppg) — QB Matthew Stafford (43.75 ppg), RB Darren Sproles (19.19 ppg*), WR Antonio Brown (13.88), DL Jason Pierre-Paul (7.97 ppg), LB Patrick Willis (11.27 ppg), DB Charles Tillman (9.47 ppg).

The Village Green (102.65 ppg) — QB Aaron Rodgers (49.8 ppg*), RB LeSean McCoy (17.93 ppg), WR/TE Victor Cruz (12.38 ppg), DL Cliff Avril (6.17 ppg), LB Michael Boley (8.18 ppg), DB Eric Weddle (8.19 ppg).

Atlanta Smack Daddies (98.89 ppg) — QB Tony Romo (35.38 ppg), RB Arian Foster (18.08 ppg), WR/TE Calvin Johnson (15.81 ppg*), DL Jared Allen (8.09 ppg*), LB James Anderson (9.69 ppg), DB Patrick Peterson(11.84 ppg*).

Corsairs (95.93 ppg) — QB Drew Brees (49.13 ppg), RB Reggie Bush (11.2 ppg), WR/TE Jimmy Graham (11.63 ppg), DL Trent Cole (5.96 ppg), LB Stephen Tulloch (8.41 ppg), DB Jason McCourty (9.6 ppg).

12th Avenue Bakers (94.49 ppg) — QB Tom Brady (45.63 ppg), RB Michael Turner (12.56 ppg), WR/TE Larry Fitzgerald (11.31 ppg), DL Julius Peppers (5.57 ppg), LB Chad Greenway (8.19 ppg), DB Ladarius Webb (11.23 ppg).

Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (90.39 ppg) — QB Peyton Manning (36 ppg**), RB Ray Rice (17.63 ppg), WR/TE Josh Cribbs (12.94 ppg), DL Haloti Ngata (5.63 ppg), LB James Laurinaitis (9.59 ppg), DB Kam Chancellor (8.6 ppg).

West Nashville Beelzebubbas (86.16 ppg) — QB Ben Roethlisberger (31.67 ppg), RB Adrian Peterson (15.08 ppg), WR/TE Percy Harvin (13.25 ppg), DL Calais Campbell (7.06 ppg), LB London Fletcher (9.97 ppg), DB Charles Woodson (9.13 ppg).

Cambridge Animals (80.98 ppg) — QB Michael Vick (33.62 ppg), RB Chris Johnson (9.75 ppg), WR/TE Rob Gronkowski (14.63 ppg), DL Vince Woolfork (4.83 ppg), LB DQuell Jackson (10.22 ppg*), DB Devin McCourty (7.93 ppg).

* Position leader in points.
** Points per game total is an average of Peyton Manning’s totals for the previous four seasons, 2007-2010.

Mock draft

The following are the results of the first round of the 2012 NFFA mock draft conducted by Music City Sports Book:

1. Bakers: RB Maurice Jones-Drew
2. Animals: QB Cam Newton
3. Beelzebubbas: QB Philip Rivers
4. Sea Hogs: RB Darren McFadden
5. The Green: RB Fred Jackson
6. Corsairs: RB Marshawn Lynch
7. Smack Daddies: QB Eli Manning
8. Black Dogs: RB Steven Jackson

There’s just one problem with Music City Sports Book’s mock draft: It assumes the Bakers will be using logic when making their picks. If the history of this league has taught us anything, it is that the Bakers more likely will be relying on chronic than on logic to guide their draft picks. This is a team that one year spent its second round pick on a linebacker, and another year, used its sixth round pick on a kicker — and it wasn’t even Rob Bironas. The Bakers have missed on so many drafts picks that outsiders refer to their actual draft as a “mock” draft because everyone’s mocking it afterwards.

In the opinion of this longtime observer of the NFFA, the first round of the 2012 draft is more likely to look like this:

1. Bakers: QB Cam Newton
2. Animals: PK Rob Bironas
3. Beelzebubbas: RB Leon Washington
4. Sea Hogs: QB Andrew Luck
5. The Green: RB Maurice Jones-Drew
6. Corsairs: RB Darren McFadden
7. Smack Daddies: RB Fred Jackson
8. Black Dogs: RB Jamaal Charles

First and foremost, the Bakers will have revenge on their mind because of The Curse, so they will select quarterback Cam Newton with the first pick of the draft just to keep the Animals from drafting him. The last thing QCurl wants to hear is how Dave the Animal developed Cam Newton.

In response to that, DTA will draft kicker Rob Bironas, who has been the Bakers’ kicker and object of QCurl’s affection for the past five seasons, just to spite the 12th Avenue owner.

Then in an effort to return to playoff form, the Beelzebubbas will use the third pick to bring former player and interim coach Leon Washington back in the fold.

You would think the Sea Hogs would grab NFL rushing leader Maurice Jones-Drew with the fourth pick, but still uncertain about the health of Peyton Manning, they instead will surprise everyone and draft Manning’s backup, rookie Andrew Luck.

All of which cause MJD to fall to the fifth pick, where he rejoins The Green. From there, sanity is restored, resulting in a run on running backs by the Corsairs, Smack Daddies and Black Dogs.

Only time will tell how the draft really goes, but until then, this is just the opening salvo of the NFFA silly season, where every franchise, even the Bakers, are undefeated.

'ONE FOR THE MIDDLE FINGER' Black Dogs claim third title in seven years

2011-12-29T13:58:00.040-06:00

The Miss Beasley balloon floats high above Main Street during Thursday's
victory parade for the 2011 NFFA champs, the East Nashville Black Dogs.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY—Thousands of East Nashvillians turned out earlier today for a victory parade to celebrate the Black Dogs' 2011 NFFA championship. The parade, complete with floats and giant, helium-filled balloons, concluded with a raucous pep rally at a parking lot one block from the Five Points intersection.

The parade was originally planned for Wednesday, but was rescheduled at the request of the Fidalgo Island franchise, which wished to show respect for the last rites of Kim Jong Il, an old friend of Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber.

Black Dogs fans lined the sun-filled street to get a glimpse of the parade that began at 5th and Main and proceeded up Main Street to the parking lot at the corner of 10th and Main, across from Marche Artisan Foods. A number of East Side organizations entered floats in the hastily arranged parade, including the East Nasty running club, whose float featured a giant running shoe stepping on a bug labeled ATL, and Eastwood Neighbors, whose "Mighty, Mighty East Side"-themed float was the best of several entries by East Nashville neighborhood organizations.

There were a number of giant balloons interspersed with the floats, including three depicting the original black dogs for whom the team is named, as well as a balloon for Miss Beasley, aka the party starter, who was one of the dogs involved in the mauling of Sea Hogs fans several years ago— but the best was the Buddy Ryan balloon, a helium-filled homage to the team's GM, that ironically made him look slimmer.

When the last float carrying Ryan, head coach Jim McMahon and the Black Dogs players reached the corner of 10th and Main, they joined a number of dignitaries on a makeshift stage, including Nashville mayor Karl Dean, NFFA director of security Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero and first lady Michelle Obama, a friend of McMahon's from his days in Chicago. Commissioner William D. Money was nowhere to be seen, which was odd, considering he founded the East Nashville franchise and it is still owned by the William D. Money Trust.

Dean presented the team with a key to the city and proclaimed the franchise a "dynasty" after winning its third championship in seven years. Bonpensiero presented the team the 2011 Dead Lombardi championship trophy "on behalf of Commissioner Money, who was tied up and unable to attend." Mrs. Obama gave McMahon a big hug before taking the podium and reading an official invitation from her husband for the team to visit the White House.

Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan was the next speaker and after thanking the fans for their "tremendous support," he launched into a 10-minute disquisition about the hiring of McMahon as head coach seven years ago and its impact on the franchise. He ticked off the team's accomplishments under the man formerly known as Jizzle McMizzle: "When I hired Jim, I had one goal in mind — to win championships. And it has worked out pretty well.

"Over the past seven years, Jim has led us to four title games and three NFFA championships including a perfect 16-0 season in 2008, six Jorge division titles, a 65-33 regular-season record and zero losing seasons," Ryan continued. Then taking a shot at Cambridge's Dave the Animal, he added, "I don't know if Jim's a coaching genius or not, but I do know he's the most successful coach in NFFA history." At that point, he called McMahon to the podium.

The Black Dogs coach went to the rostrum, held up his right hand with the middle finger extended, and said,"Ring number three, I guess that's one for the middle finger." McMahon laughed, and the fans laughed along with him.

"I received a tweet from [12th Avenue Bakers owner] QCurl [Sharif] offering his congratulations and saying he was glad the championship cup was back where it belongs in the Jorge division," McMahon said. "I also received word from [West Nashville GM] Jorge [Linardo] expressing similar sentiments. No direct word from DTA, but I understand he's in Oregon to attend the opening of the one-thousandth Cracky Ds, so no telling when we'll hear from him. He did send a message, however, through Rob Gronkowski that if the mayor gave us a key to the city, he would give us two keys," he added and laughed.

"But, seriously, winning our third NFFA championship is a great accomplishment for this franchise, but that just pulls us even with the Atlanta Smack Daddies franchise," he said. "And being able to win our third title against the only team to already have three rings makes it extra special for all of us. I received a gracious, congratulatory phone call from [Smack Daddies owner] Lex [Dominica] and I thank him for that.

"I also want to thank my team for all their hard work which enabled us to win this beautiful trophy," he continued. "And I especially want to thank our general manager, Buddy Ryan, for giving me such a great team. There is no question in my mind the two blockbuster trades Buddy pulled off the day of the trade deadline to bring Matthew Stafford, David Akers and Jason Pierre-Paul to the team are what got us over the top.

He added, "Now, we need to break the curse of the champion and win one for the pinky next year," to which the crowd of fans roared their approval.

Then in characteristic fashion, McMahon ended his comments with a Latin phase, "Canes nigri, ad gloriam."

The head coach was followed to the podium by several of the players, including linebacker Brian Urlacher, the only player to have been on all three championship teams. Holding the Dead Lombardi trophy over his head, he said, "Hell, yeah, this is why we play fantasy football," then let out a big whoop before passing the trophy over to wide receiver Steve Smith, who along with wideout Greg Jennings and linebacker Patrick Willis, has been a member of two of the Dogs' championship squads.

"I want to thank Buddy and Jim for believing in me when most teams thought my best days were behind me," a tearful Smith, who was a member of the 2005 title team, said. Jennings and Willis, both of whom were injured late in the season and missed the playoff run, thanked their teammates for bringing home the Lombardi cup. They also were members of the undefeated 2008 championship team.

After the speeches, entertainment was provided by Elmo Buzz and the East Side Bulldogs, who performed a number of their hits to the delight of the gathered fans, including "Chicks, Cars and Partying Hard" and "37206," their anthem to the primary East Nashville zip code with it's inside-joke lyric, "I got the T-shirt and the bumper sticker."

TERRORISTS FOILED AT BACCHANAL Aldean dies in ‘Farm Chariot’ race

2011-12-20T17:32:00.007-06:00

Earl Wayne and Wayne Earl Breedlove were
detained as terrorists at Bachannal VIII.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

When former Italian prime minister Silvio Berlusconi took over the duties as official planner last month, he promised “a Bacchanal that would make the penis of Bacchus himself engorge with blood.” Judging from the reaction of nearly 80,000 revelers who jammed Centennial Park and beyond last week, Berlusconi may have been right. The eighth annual Bacchanal to the Future, hosted as always by the 12th Avenue Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas, appeared to be everything fans expected, plus one or two things they didn’t.

The unexpected arrived in the form of what apparently was intended as a terrorist attack, thwarted thanks to quick action by the Sikh bodyguards who often accompany Bakers owner QCurl Sharif. The security team apprehended two brothers, identified as Wayne Earl and Earl Wayne Breedlove, attempting to enter the park around 3 p.m. Saturday in a Plymouth Voyager van filled with ammonium nitrate. The van had bumper stickers and window flags bearing the logo of the Midtown Mojo, the team that relocated this year to the South China Sea as the Corsairs. According to one source, the Breedloves attempted to pass themselves off as participants in Sharif’s all-zombie nativity scene, an annual holiday favorite at the park. Authorities are investigating possible links between the would-be bombers and Corsairs owner Mojo D.

“My sweet lord, if that thing had gone off, it would have been bigger than the fireworks show last time Shiva was here,” said former FBI Director Louie Freeh, a Bacchanal devotee who donates his time as security coordinator for the event. “We might have had 50,000 dead people. What Chinese monster would think of such a thing?"

However, toxic fumes from the van managed to enter the Party Til You Die tent, killing three visitors and a goat, fulfilling partially, at least, the mission statement of the NFFA. Revelers inside were confused, believing the odor to be from that of a mobile meth lab, donated to the tent from the Cambridge franchise, and realized too late that this was another high altogether. At this reporting, all victims were still dead.

The foiled attack, however, had no obvious effect on the partygoers, who seemed to be blissfully unaware that anything was amiss. The Ramones, who were midway through “The KKK Took My Baby Away” at the time of the incident, continued playing on the Pompei Stage, closest to where the attackers were apprehended, continued playing. In fact, the only disruption to the performance came when Freeh had the power to the stage cut shortly after the band launched into the opening chords of “Bonzo Goes to Bitburg.” After a brief and apparently heated consultation between Freeh and members of the band, a reanimated Joey Ramone yelled “Einzweidreivier!” and took off on “I Wanna Be Sedated,” which the lead singer afterward said was dedicated to Sharif.

“For understandable reasons, Mr. Sharif asked that there be no chimpanzee references in the music this year,” Freeh explained later. “We want to respect that, and unfortunately the Ramones either didn’t get the memo or didn’t care. It’s all good now.”

When awakened on Wednesday and told of the attempted bombing, Sharif personally thanked his security chief Khan I. Singh and the members of his Sikh praetorian guard. “They’re the best in the business, baby,” an animated Sharif told reporters later. “If Muammar had listened to me, he’d still be president of Libya.”

“In fact, he only time that idiot ever listened to me was when Faith and I suggested the Gaddafi line of blue jeans — which by the way were a huge hit in the West and still quite collectible. I saw a few pair at the Treehouse this weekend — they’re made entirely from recycled hemp.”

Despite the thwarted attack, the event was marred, as usual, by a celebrity death. Because the chariots traditionally used in the Bacchanal chariot race had been impounded by police as evidence in the Bobberhead Lodge investigation, organizers adopted an idea proposed by Hank Williams Jr. to use tractors, which Williams called “farm chariots,” instead. After rounding turn three at the Centennial Park Hippodrome, the Ghost of the Ghost of Biggs and Williams were “Tokyo-drifting” their tractors when Bocephus’ street-modified Massey-Ferguson 1135 spun out of control and ran over honorary flagman Jason Aldean. Aldean’s death was ruled a suicide. There are no current plans to reanimate the singer, although Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn said, “We are keeping all options open.”

At 11 a.m. on Saturday, the Bacchanal began on schedule with the traditional “birth of Venus” reenactment at the Centennial Park Bandshell. Gwyneth Paltrow, who served as this year’s co-Grand Marshall with Berlusconi, performed the role of Venus, and rode in a chariot driven by Kevin Bacon to the Parthenon’s west side, where emcee Haven Hamilton officially opened the event with the Pledge of Allegiance.

Bacon’s band accompanied Paltrow on several songs from her Country Strong film soundtrack, then they turned over the stage to Bacchanal first-timer Ted Nugent, who rocked the crowd with “Cat Scratch Fever,” “Free for All,” and “Kiss My Glock.” After the conclusion of “Wango Tango,” on which he was joined by Hank Jr., Nugent launched into a rambling diatribe against what he called “attempted world socialist domination” by league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo and the “gay-future agenda” of Cambridge owner Dave the Animal.

As a chorus of boos was heard from the restless audience, Haven Hamilton — dubbed MC Partystarter by younger Bacchanal performers — stepped in and ushered Nugent offstage with the help of the Bubbas’ Fruit of Astarte security team. Hamilton took the mic and told the crowd that, while he agreed with many of Nugent’s views, “the Bacchanal is about the party party, not the political party.”

“I think that between the Sikhs and the Fruit of Astarte, we’ve proven to the city that we can police ourselves,” Sharif told members of the local FOP gathered at Rotier’s for one of the many Bacchanal kickoff luncheons. “In fact, we’ve proven ourselves as judge and jury, too. Public hangings and the like have always been a part of our tradition. Of course, we frown on contributing to the deaths of participating celebrities — with the exception of Aldean maybe, and of course the periodic sacrifice — it’s hard on booking.”

With that, Hamilton welcomed the day’s first reanimated performer, legendary Chicago bluesman Willie Dixon, joining Dixon and his All-Stars on “Wang Dang Doodle.” Soon after, Hohenwald resident Jim Morrison made it a trio for “Back Door Man.” The crowd roared as Hamilton screamed, “The men don’t know, but the little girls understand,” and as he had promised, the party was on.

200 x 2 Daddies, Dogs explode into championship

2011-12-20T10:26:00.016-06:00

Atlanta's Lex Dominica (left), who has three championship rings, and East Nashville's Jim McMahon, who has two, meet in the 2011 NFFA title match.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS—The Atlanta Smack Daddies, defending NFFA titleholders, and the East Nashville Black Dogs, champions of the Jorge division, will meet in this weekend's championship game after both teams topped 200 points on their way to decisive victories over their opening-round opponents.

Prior to last weekend, there had never been even one team to score 200 points in a playoff game, but the Smack Daddies and Black Dogs stunned The Village Green and the Corsairs respectively, the two teams tied for the best regular season record with 10 wins apiece. The Daddies torched number-one-seeded The Green 204.5-145, while the Dogs mauled the Corsairs 207-168.

In all, four teams scored 200 or more points this season, the most since 2007, when five teams topped 200 a total of seven times. It was the first time in team history that a Smack Daddies team scored 200 points. For the Black Dogs, it was the franchise's seventh time to score 200 or more, which is most in league history. The Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and 12th Avenue Bakers also hit 200 this season — in a game against one another. The Sea Hogs prevailed 208.5-200, making the Bakers the only team to ever score 200 points and lose.

In all, there have been 18 200-point games in league history. The Alamo Scouts/The Village Green is the only franchise who is not a member of the 200-point club. The West Nashville Beelzebubbas are the only franchise never to have had 200 points scored against them. Here is the complete list of 200-point games:

The 200-Point Club
1. West Nashville Beelzebubbas, 233.5 points (2007, week 2 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
2. Cambridge Animals, 231.5 points (2008, week 10 vs. Midtown Mojo)
3. East Nashville Black Dogs, 231 points (2006, week 10 vs. Alamo Scouts)
4. 12th Avenue Bakers, 227 points (2007, week 9 vs. Alamo Scouts)
5. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 220.5 (2010, week 4 vs. East Nashville Black Dogs)
6. Midtown Mojo, 218.5 points (2010, week 14 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)
7. Midtown Mojo, 217.5 points (2007, week 7 vs. Alamo Scouts)
8. East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2005, week 3 vs. Alamo Scouts)
— East Nashville Black Dogs, 215 points (2007, week 6 vs. Cambridge Animals)
10. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 214.5 points (2007, week 12 vs. Alamo Scouts)
11. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 208.5 points (2011, week 2 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
12. East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2007, week 4 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
— East Nashville Black Dogs, 207 points (2011, week 15 vs. Corsairs)
14. East Nashville Black Dogs, 205 points (2009, week 5 vs. Animals)
— Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, 205 points (2007, week 7 vs. Atlanta Smack Daddies)
16. Atlanta Smack Daddies, 204.5 points (2011, week 15 vs. The Village Green)
17. East Nashville Black Dogs, 201 points (2005, week 6 vs. 12th Avenue Bakers)
18. 12th Avenue Bakers, 200 points (2011, week 2 vs. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs)

JUST WIN, BABY! Hogs, Dogs winningest NFFA teams since 2004

2011-12-15T15:07:00.027-06:00

Jim McMahon, shown above at yesterday's media event to kick off the
2011 NFFA playoffs, has averaged just over nine wins per year in the
regular season during his seven years as Black Dogs head coach.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

In the NFFA's eight-year, playoff era, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs have 72 regular-season wins and the East Nashville Black Dogs have 70, making them the two winningest franchises during that period. Not surprisingly, amidst all those wins, they each won a pair of championships.

Although they have as many losses as they do wins over those eight years, defending champions the Atlanta Smack Daddies also have won a pair of rings, and like the Dogs, are in the hunt for a third title in eight years beginning this weekend. The Hogs are out of the championship playoff round this season after losing the points tiebreaker to the Daddies for the final wild-card berth.

In his seventh year at the helm of the team from East Nashville, Jim McMahon has never had a losing campaign, compiling a regular-season record of 65 wins and only 33 losses, including a perfect campaign in 2008, and winning six division titles and two NFFA crowns. With all due respect to DTA, the man formerly known as McMizzle is the most successful coach in NFFA history.

The league didn't split into two divisions and hold postseason playoffs until its third season. The West Nashville Beelzebubbas won the first NFFA championship in 2002 and the Smack Daddies won the second in 2003. The table below shows how each franchise has fared in the regular season since then.

* Championship season

** In 2004, The Corsairs franchise was known as the Southall Block Rockers. Under new ownership in 2005, the team was known as the Franktown Silverbacks. In 2007, new ownership renamed the team the Midtown Mojo. In 2010, the same ownership renamed the team The Corsairs.
*** The Village Green franchise is under new ownership as of 2010 and was formerly known as the Alamo Scouts.

THIS IS IT! Two teams in, four more vie for final two spots

2011-12-08T19:03:00.023-06:00

Mojo D's Corsairs team could nail down the No. 1 seed this weekend.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

What is known about next week's NFFA championship playoffs:

• Bitter rivals the Corsairs (9-4) and The Village Green (9-4) are assured of berths in the postseason title chase, the only thing in doubt is their seeding.

• The 12th Avenue Bakers (2-11) and Cambridge Animals (5-8), who meet this weekend at Grey Goose Stadium in a contest that has been dubbed "The Curse Bowl," are out of the chase for an NFFA ring.

• The four remaining franchises — defending champs Atlanta Smack Daddies (7-6), East Nashville Black Dogs (6-7), Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (7-6) and West Nashville Beelzebubbas (7-6) — all are still alive for the final two spots in the championship bracket.

How the playoff scenarios break down:

• Either the Corsairs or The Green will be the No. 1 seed. If The Green win this weekend against the Sea Hogs, they will be win the Linardo division and get the No. 1 seed — even if the Corsairs win — by virtue of a sweep of their head-to-head matchups. The Corsairs would get a wild-card spot and be seeded third. If the Corsairs win this week against the Smack Daddies and The Green lose, the Corsairs will win the division and be the No. 1 seed, and The Green will get the wild-card berth and No. 3 seed.

• The No. 2 seed will go to either the Beelzlebubbas or the Black Dogs, who meet this weekend at the Dawg House in the East Nasty. The winner of that game will capture the Jorge division title, and the loser will be relegated to the consolation bracket. The Beelzebubbas could become the first team other than the Black Dogs and the Animals to wear the Jorge division crown. The Dogs' streak of sixth consecutive non-losing seasons is on the line.

• The Daddies and Hogs are currently tied for the final wild-card berth. Since they split their two games during the regular season, if they both win, the team with the highest number of total points will get the final wild-card spot and the No. 4 seed, which means they will face the top-seeded team in the first week of the playoffs. Atlanta currently leads Fidalgo Island by 21 points.

The 411 on "The Curse Bowl" between 12th Avenue and Cambridge:

Regardless of whether they win or lose, the Bakers will have the first pick in the 2012 NFFA draft and the Animals will pick second. Beyond that, the regular-season finale between these blood rivals is just this side of Armageddon — the final showdown between Shiva and Nancy, a game that threatens the league's very existence. Considering the history of this league, what a fitting way to celebrate the close of its 10th season, with life on this planet itself hanging in the balance.

OH MY GOODY!Owner of The Village Green accidentally reanimated at Bacchanal VIII

2011-12-06T18:20:00.007-06:00

Village Green owner Dave "Goody" Goodridge at Centennial Park
Saturday seven hours before his tragic mishap.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS—Goody Goodridge, owner of The Village Green, was accidentally reanimated when paramedics from QCurl Sharif’s Zombie Corral operation in Howenwald, Tenn., mistook him for dead Saturday at the eighth annual Bacchanal to the Future at Centennial Park, the AWP has learned.

According to one eyewitness, Goodridge was lying in a massive pool of his own puke inside the vomitorium and seemed to be lifeless. Word spread inside the VIP lounge that there was a dead man in the vomitorium and the Howenwald paramedics were sent to investigate. Believing the owner to be deceased, they hauled him on a stretcher to their mobile reanimation van parked outside the Parthenon where he was given a “new” lease on life.

It was only after performing the procedure that they realized they had made a horrible mistake which resulted in a partially zombified Goodridge.

One of the paramedics, Lester Gravely, said they considered killing him and reanimating him again. “Aw, Jesus, the guy was a total mess,” Gravely said. “He was half yuppie, half zombie. Talk about mentally challenged.”

East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon said he had noticed the owner incapacitated in the vomitorium and tweeted about it. “He looked half dead at that point,” McMahon recalled. “What I noticed initially was there was a guy lying on the floor wearing a vintage Village People T-shirt that was streaked with vomit, then I noticed it was Goody. I hadn’t realized that the Village People were the inspiration for his team.”

Neurological expert Dr. Brian Cutler said it is too early to tell the lasting effects on Goodridge as a result of undergoing the reanimation procedure. “The prognosis is not rosy, to say the least,” Cutler acknowledged. “It will take Mr. Goodridge years at best to regain any semblance of normalcy.”

More on this story as it develops.

Yesterday in the NFFA BACCHANAL I OH WHAT A TRIP!

2011-12-03T12:13:00.015-06:00

With the Parthenon in background, Ronee Blakley performs
during the first Bacchanal to the Future in 2004.

Editor's note: The following is the second in a series of articles which revisit past NFFA Newswire coverage of significant events in the history of the league. This week, we commemorate this weekend's eight annual Bacchanal to the Future with a look back at our coverage of the very first Bacchanal.

BEELZEBUBS, BAKERS PLAN BACCHANALIA TO THE FUTURE

By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
11/24/2004 2:18:00 p.m.

The West Nashville Beelzebubbas and 12th Avenue Bakers have announced plans to wear vintage "throwback" uniforms for their big crosstown rivalry game this weekend.

Bakers' marketing minx Faith Popcorn revealed the uniforms, modeled by Steve McNair of the Bakers and Terrell Owens of the Beelzebubbas, at a press conference this morning. The most striking difference is that the uniforms will include the padded, facemask-less helmets worn by players in the 1930s. "We're getting back to manly football," Popcorn said.

Popcorn also announced one other notable uniform change for this week. At the request of Atlanta Smackdaddies' TE Alge Crumpler, the Beelzebubbas and Bakers will wear specially designed "Buddy's Buddies" patches on the seat of their pants. "The players and owners wanted to find a visible way to show that they are thinking about Coach Ryan and miss him," Popcorn said. She added that she did not know whether the teams would continue to wear the patches once they switch back to their contemporary uniforms.

In conjunction with the uniform change, the Bakers and Beelzebubbas will hold a massive Bacchanalia to the Future event at the Parthenon in Nashville. "We are expecting to be monetarily penalized by the league for unauthorized uniform changes," said Bakers owner G.Q. Denney in a statement. "So we're asking fans to bring donations to the party to help defray our fines." Any excess funds will be donated toward the Buddy's Buddies Foundation.

"It's going to be a real, old-fashioned Roman saturnalia," explained Popcorn, "such as has not been seen in Nashville since the last time Antonin Scalia was in town years ago. Mr. Denney says it's time to put the D back in debauchery."

Among the planned activities at the bacchanalia/wine kegger will be a "Goat's Head Ball" in the Parthenon's main room around the massive statue of Athena. An audience-participation reenactment of Mithraic cult rituals is planned for the lower level, along with showings of Fellini Satyricon ("for the artsy-fartsy crowd," said Popcorn). Along the northwest side of the building, organizers will set up what is believed to be the world's largest outdoor vomitorium for revelers who overindulge.

The gala also promises to be a star-studded event. A stage set up on the southwest side of the Parthenon will host performances by Ronee Blakley and Henry Gibson, who appeared there in the movie Nashville in 1975. Gibson, reprising the role of Haven Hamilton, plans to sing patriotic duets with Beelzebubbas' GM Jorge Linardo, with both men wearing matched Nudie suits for the occasion. Also scheduled to appear, though unconfirmed as of Wednesday morning, are Steven and Liv Tyler, Marilyn Manson, Alice Cooper, AC/DC and the surviving Village People. Local restaurateur and bon vivant Mario Ferrari will serve as emcee in the role of Dionysius, wearing a costume of his own design.

"We just wanted to do something to bring the community together in a spirit of love," said Beelzebubbas coach/owner Boyd X. Biggs. "There has been too much rancor in this league and not enough fun. In fact, a lot of players have been complaining that NFFA stands for "No Freakin' Fun Allowed." So as GQ likes to say, "We're just gonna let our freak flags fly."

In confirmation of a rumor that spread wildly around the city Wednesday, Popcorn acknowledged that the Beelzebubbas and Bakers are considering benching their entire rosters and allowing the game to end in a 0-0 tie, to symbolize how much they miss the sideline presence of Ryan. While admitting that no final decision is expected until just before game time, Popcorn emphasized that this is only one option under consideration. Another possibility, she said, is that the teams will start only those players who agree to take part in a "Gay for the Day" program as a show of solidarity with the league's gay and lesbian players and coaches.

Although the event was announced just one day beforehand, ticket sales already have been what one Bakers' official described as "fevered." Long lines snaked around the offices of both teams Wednesday afternoon. A crowd upwards of 50,000 was expected for the bacchanalia, the official said.

3,000 ARRESTED AT BACCHANALIA; BIG GAME GOES ON

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
11/26/2004 12:19:00 p.m.

More than 3,000 people — including 214 Metro police officers — were arrested yesterday at the inaugural 'Bacchanalia to the Future' event in Nashville's Centennial Park. The Bacchanalia, announced only one day earlier, drew an estimated crowd of 80,000.

Organizers said the event came off "pretty much as we expected, except for the cops." Almost all of the arrests, said a police spokesperson, involved charges of indecent exposure.

During the Goats' Head Ball in the main room of the Parthenon, some party goers began removing their clothes, which started a chain reaction, witnesses said. "Within 10 minutes there must have been several thousand people running naked in the park," said Rock O'Kane, Chief Legal Counsel for the 12th Avenue Bakers. "Next to a pep rally I once saw at Texas A&M, it was the damnedest thing I ever witnessed."

Police turned the Temple of Athena into a giant holding pen as they began arresting nude partiers, who appeared undeterred by the 40-degree temperatures. Efforts to book suspects were complicated by the fact that none were carrying identification. According to the police spokesman, some of those arrested identified themselves with names that included Ernest T. Bass, Devlin des Guyes, Barbara Bush, I. P. Freeley and Wun Hung Lo.

Further complicating efforts at crowd contral was the bizarre behavior of the more than 200 Metro police officers who had been hired to provide security for the event. Witnesses said that just after the mass streaking began, some of the officers also began taking off their clothes. Others began forming a human pyramid in an apparent attempt to reach the top of the James Robertson obelisk. Still others jumped into Lake Watauga and began swimming with the geese and ducks.

Police backup units had to be called in to arrest the officers. A department source, speaking on condition of anonymity, said many of the arrested officers believed that bottled water they had received from event staff had been spiked with LSD. Police detectives were looking into the charge.

Though his name did not appear in any police reports available to the media, two department sources said that Metro Police Chief Andy Serpas was among those arrested for indecent exposure. "You have to remember," said one source, 'that he grew up in New Orleans.'

Except for the mass arrests and police riot, the Bakers and West Nashville Beelzebubbas termed the event a huge success.

Though the teams considering benching their entire rosters yesterday, their game kicked off as planned, with the Beelzebubbas holding a 22-0 lead on Friday.

JOPLINS APPEAR AT BACCHANALIA

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
11/26/2004 1:43:00 p.m.

Highlighting the star-studded entertainment lineup at Nashville's Bacchanalia to the Future celebration yesterday were what were announced to the stunned but exhilarated crowd as zombified resurrections of Scott and Janis Joplin.

Performances by the two Joplins (unrelated) had not been listed in the afternoon's entertainment schedule. At the end of the event, however, 12th Avenue Bakers owner GQ Denney took the microphone and said that he was pleased to introduce two of the most powerful musical influences upon his life. He gave no further introduction, but a person appearing to be Janis Joplin, moving very slowly, walked on stage and launched into soulful versions of "Another Piece of My Heart" and "Me and Bobby McGee."

While the audience was still applauding wildly after her mini-set ended, stage hands wheeled an upright piano onto the stage along with a person who appeared to area music writers to be composer Scott Joplin, who played a frenetic version of “Maple Leaf Rag.”

Then Janis reappeared with Denney, Leon Russell and Jakob Dylan, who together with Scott Joplin performed a rendition of the blues standard “Mystery Train.”

Other highlights of the extended concert, later dubbed “Deadstock” by a Rolling Stoned writer, included an acoustic duet of “Sweet Emotion” by Steven and Liv Tyler; a long set by the surviving Village People, and a surprisingly rocked-out version of “The South”s Gonna Do It Again” by Henry Gibson and Beelzebubbas” GM Jorge Linardo.

At the end of the show, Janis Joplin was joined by AC/DC as she sang lead vocals on “You Shook Me All Night Long.” The event concluded with all of the performers onstage to sing “Will the Circle Be Unbroken?” which provided the emotional highlight of the afternoon.

Asked later about the zombie performers, an inebriated Denney said that he was considering adding more members to the band and launching what he described as a “Grateful Undead Tour.”

CELEBS WEIGH IN ON BACCHANALIA

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports
11/29/2004 11:44:00 a.m.

Critical praise continued to pour in on Monday from celebrities and music journalists for the Nashville Bacchanalia”s Concert for Buddy.

The music spectacular, which featured an unprecedented combination of live and undead performances, left viewers and guests awestruck at times.

FSN Sports sampled some of the reactions, including what some of those in attendance regarded as the concert highlights:

• Leon Redbone and Jorge Linardo performing “Jesus Just Left Chicago” — Rolling Stoned magazine

• Parliament's performance of “Tear the Roof Off the Sucka” — Ron Wynn, City Paper

• (Tie) “Time Won”t Let Me,” by the Zombies and Outkast's cover of “Sympathy for the Devil” — Peter Cooper, The Tennessean

• Ronny Cox and GQ Denney on “Dueling Banjos” — Hank III

• Henry Gibson/Haven Hamilton with David Lee Roth covering “God Bless America” — Michael Moore

• Levon Helm and Jakob Dylan performing “The Night They Drove Old Dixie Down” — Little Jimmy Dickens

• Ike Turner's performance of "Bad Moon Rising" — Leon Russell

• GQ Denney and Steven Tyler's duet of "Puff the Magic Dragon" — Keanu Reaves

After the concert, Denney said the Bakers are pursuing the possibility of expanding the team's zombification efforts and taking the Bacchanal on tour. Maybe it”s time to resurrect the Lollapalooza and Lilith concepts, Denney said. There are all kinds of possibilities. You could have Hank Williams and Bocephus together, Nat King Cole and Natalie, a non-surviving Beatles reunion. Jorge said he'd give his left nut to be able to perform “Break on Through” with Jim Morrison.”

In separate developments, police found what appeared to be a meth lab in a basement room of the Parthenon. “They've found weapons dumps in Iraq smaller than this sh--,” said one detective. Among the drug-making paraphernalia was a voodoo doll of the Beelzebubbas' Priest Holmes with needles protruding from its right leg. Holmes has been on the disabled list for three weeks. Police could not explain the presence or possible significance of the doll.

POPCORN FOUND; BAKER NATION BRACES FOR ANIMALS

By PR Dept.
12th Avenue Bakers
12/2/2004 6:47:00 p.m.

NEW YORK—12th Avenue Bakers marketing maven Faith Popcorn, missing since last weekend's Bacchanalia to the Future celebration in Nashville, has been found wandering Madison Avenue barefoot and confused.

Ms. Popcorn was spotted by the NYPD in a purple and black Beelzebubba's cheerleading outfit turned wrongside out as she attempted to steal a black standard poodle from a pedestrian. After a short foot chase, Ms. Popcorn was apprehended.

“We”re just happy she's safe,” said team owner Warren G.Q. Denney. “They say she's a little worse for the wear but doing well considering the fact that she was flown to New York in a large animal carrier.”

Baggage handlers at Kennedy Int'l Airport reported a disheveled woman running from the tarmac after the carrier fell from hold, disgorging her body. Popcorn has made one statement to the NYPD — “I am Haven Hamilton” — as she continues to be held for observation.

“We'd obviously like to get her out in time for the big game this weekend with the Animals,” said Denney. “I can”t help but think this was some form of payback by Jorge and Boyd X. — I hear thee my Dark Lord and I obey — for the thrashing they took — a barbed penis will do nicely yes — at our hands on Sunday. The soul is but one part of the man.”

Meanwhile, preparations were being made at Magna Circus Stadium in Nashville to host the league-leading Cambridge eleven. An overflow crowd is expected and hopes are running high in Bakertown with the playoffs within sight. Adding to the anticipation is the reopening of the Cherry Bomb Cafe on Saturday night, the club considered to be the spiritual center of the Baker Nation.

“We have a name for animals down here,” said Denney. “Critters.”

Breaking news DOGS DEAL RIVERS TO HOGS

2011-11-30T15:30:00.010-06:00

So long to the East Nasty — the Black Dogs traded beleaguered
quarterback Philip Rivers to the Sea Hogs this afternoon.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY—After pulling off one of the biggest trades in NFFA history earlier today, East Nashville Black Dogs GM Buddy has made another big deal on the final day of trading, sending quarterback Philip Rivers to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs for kicker David Akers and defensive lineman Jason Pierre-Paul.

In a press release announcing the trade, Ryan said, "Rivers just didn't want to be a Black Dog. I personally think all those years playing for the [West Nashville] Beelzebubbas poisoned his mind against us. Hopefully, he likes to eat Swinofish."

Rivers became expendable after Ryan traded for 12th Avenue Bakers backup quarterback Matthew Stafford early this morning.

BAKERS GET MORE 'NATTY DREAD' Sharif pulls trigger on blockbuster deal

2011-11-30T11:34:00.016-06:00

(L to R) Larry Fitzgerald, Matthew Stafford and Steven Jackson were involved
earlier today in one of the biggest trades in the history of the NFFA.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

BAKERVILLE—In a move just hours before the NFFA trade deadline, the 12th Avenue Bakers and the East Nashville Black Dogs have made a trade that ranks as one of the most — if not the most — high-profile swap of players in the 10-year history of the league.

Early this morning, the league approved the trade which sends Bakers backup quarterback Matthew Stafford to the Black Dogs in exchange for wide receiver Larry Fitzgerald and running back Steven Jackson, who was a member of the Bakers from 2008-2010.

According to 12th Avenue PR maven Faith Popcorn, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif huddled with Coach Snoop Dogg at the Cherry Bomb Cafe late into the night, as the two team honchos had what Popcorn described as an "intense discussion" about the merits of the trade offered by East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan.

Reached for comment this morning prior to the team's practice, Coach Dogg said, "I knew if we didn't get more natty dread, we were [expletive]," an apparent reference to the fact that Fitzgerald and Jackson are two of the most prominent NFL players sporting dreadlocks.

The AWP caught up with Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon at the team's practice facility and he was grinning from ear to ear. "Do I need to say that the Dogs have a new starting quarterback?" he asked with a hearty laugh. "But seriously, I want to welcome Matthew to the team and ask that he please put fitty on the [Cambridge] Animals this weekend."

The trade appears to benefit both teams. Jackson is averaging 11.5 points per game, which is better than all the Bakers running backs except Michael Turner. Fitzgerald is scoring 10.9 points per game, which is more than any of the Bakers wide receivers except Devin Hester. For East Nashville, Stafford (39 points per game), brings stability to a position that has cost the Black Dogs two or three wins because of poor play.

CORSAIRS CLINCH PLAYOFFS In sole possession of lead in Linardo

2011-11-29T10:49:00.007-06:00

GM Mojo D and Cee-Lo Green look on as Drew Brees and Jimmy Graham
team up to put an 80-burger on the suddenly hapless Sea Hogs.

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

In a season where everything has fallen into place for the Corsairs, the pieces came together in Week 12 for what Coach Cee-Lo Green called “the perfecta of goodness.” The team’s 161-105.5 victory over their Linardo nemesis, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, moved them to 9-3 and ensured the team’s first post-season visit since 2007, and gave them sole possession of first place atop the division on the heroic performance of the Drew Brees-Jimmy Graham battery. A jubilant GM Mojo D held forth with Cee-Lo for select media in a victory celebration at the uber-exclusive Sky Casino atop the NFFA Corsair.

Mojo D could barely contain his joy: “I don’t remember a week where every single NFFA game turned out the way I wanted. I’m so glad for my brother QCurl to have broken DTA’s curse, and for the Animals to beat the Bubbas: DTA knows why I know that is particularly special for him. Lex’s boys coming through to spank Goody’s candy ass was a huge boost for us; and of course to make the Sea Hogs our bitch this year is just the Corsair Moonshine-soaked cherry on the Corsair Triple Smoke Whiskey Sundae*, available at all the bars on the ship.”

One reporter asked Cee-Lo about the Corsairs’ poor statistical performance – 6th in scoring (by virtue of a scant 1-point differential with the new 7th place scorer Beelzebubbas), 7th in coaching efficiency, and over 50 points on the bench in week 12. DJ Shikoku Tikaka scratched a beat and Cee-Lo stepped to the mic: “You know the statistic I look at? The W’s, bitch — and there’s 9 of them in there for the good guys!! This one’s for you” and the band launched into his multi-platinum hit “F*ck You.”

After a brief set, Mojo D picked up where Cee-Lo left off: “ The win is everything in the NFFA — it doesn’t matter how you get there. William D Money is one crazy muthaf*cker, but he got one thing right: score more points than your opponent. I would add to that: I’d rather be lucky than good any day.”

Around the Linardo, Week 13 looms large — Corsairs face the Village Green, who have been at or near the top of the division since week 5, and according to Mojo D: “on my back like a pesky kid brother — it’s the one team we have not beaten this season, and we look forward to adding that scalp to our belt.” The Sea Hogs hope to end their skid against the Smack Daddies, who could still win out and make the playoffs.

In the Jorge Division, it appears only the winner will advance to the playoffs, so the Animals and Bakers look to continue their spoiler role, as the whole league looks at the Week 14 Curse Bowl and the Black Dogs-Beelzebubbas tilt for all the Jorge marbles. Regarding the Curse, Cee-Lo said "this [curse] shit and Shiva really freaks me out — I don't like messing with deities, so I'm glad that's all going down in the Jorge, man."

*Corsair Triple Smoke Sundae:

1.5 oz. Corsair triple Smoke Whiskey

2 oz. Eggnog

1 splooge whipped cream

1 Corsair Moonshine-soaked cherry on top

Analysis WHO'S HOT AND WHO'S NOT NFFA postseason picture comes into focus

2011-11-25T10:15:00.028-06:00

QCurl Sharif (shown at left with Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon) will face off with DTA (right) on the final weekend of the season in "The Curse Bowl."

By R.E. Porter
Associate Web Press

NASHVEGAS—Seven weeks ago, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas were 0-4 and their playoffs prospects looked dim, their chances for a Jorge division championship even dimmer. The Village Green were doing a little better than the Beelzebubbas with a 2-2 mark, but they already were two games behind the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and the Corsairs in the race for the Linardo division crown.

But since then, the 'Bubbas and The Green have been the two hottest teams in the NFFA, each winning six of their last seven games and now tied for the lead in their respective division. The 'Bubbas (6-5) are tied with the East Nashville Black Dogs (6-5), another hot team. The Black Dogs have won five games in that same stretch and currently hold the head-to-head tiebreaker over the 'Bubbas. The Green (8-3) are tied with the Corsairs (8-3), who have gone 3-3 since a 5-0 start. The Green hold the head-to-head tiebreaker.

Jorge division
As the league finishes the regular season with three weeks of intradivision play, the division races and the wild-card picture have come into focus. In the Jorge division, either the Black Dogs or Beelzebubbas will win the division, as the Cambridge Animals (3-8) and the 12th Avenue Bakers (1-9) have already been eliminated from not only the race for the division title, but also from the chase for one of the two wild-card playoff berths. The division winner likely will not be decided until the final weekend when the 'Bubbas visit the Dogs in the East Nasty.

Linardo division
In the Linardo division, the picture is a little fuzzier. Despite losing four of their last seven games, the Sea Hogs (7-4) trail The Green and the Corsairs by only one game. The Atlanta Smack Daddies (5-6), the defending NFFA champs, have been eliminated from the division race after losing five of the last seven, but still are mathematically in the hunt for a wild card berth. In the midst of all the furor over Dave the Animal's curse on the 12th Avenue Bakers, the "curse" of the champion has been overlooked — no NFFA champion has been able to repeat, and most have not even made the playoffs to defend their crown. But even if they don't make the playoffs, the Smack Daddies could spoil the postseason plans of one or more of their division rivals.

The Curse Bowl
Speaking of DTA's curse on the Bakers, the teams from Cambridge and 12th Avenue may not be headed to the playoffs, but it seems they're going "bowling." The Animals travel to play the Bakers on the final weekend of the regular season in what has been dubbed "The Curse Bowl."

Success of rookie owners
"Goody" Goodridge, owner of The Village Green, is poised to continue the success new owners have enjoyed in their first year in the NFFA. Every rookie owner has made the playoffs since the league split into two divisions in 2004.

Key upcoming head-to-head contests
Week 12: Sea Hogs @ Corsairs; The Green @ Smack Daddies.
Week 13: Corsairs @ The Green; Smack Daddies @ Sea Hogs.
Week 14: Beelzebubbas @ Black Dogs; Sea Hogs @ The Green; Smack Daddies @ Corsairs; The Curse Bowl — Animals @ Bakers.

A TROJAN MONKEY? Animals’ officials perplexed, troubled by mysterious gift of Senegal bushbaby

2011-11-23T09:10:00.015-06:00

"George W. Bushbaby" (above), who arrived at Methlon yesterday wearing silver dog tags with "W" inscribed on them (inset), was at first viewed with suspicion, but has now been embraced by DTA.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Officials at Methlon Sports’ home offices in Cambridge were, by turns, alarmed and charmed early this morning by what apparently was a gift in tribute to owner Dave the Animal’s coaching genius.

Employees arrived this morning to find a larger-than-life, papier-maché figure of DTA in front of the gates of Methlon’s offices. Pinned to the figure was a card inscribed, “Congrats on being a cover boy and on your new Broadway musical, from a Fantasy NFFA Admirer.” The language was a reference to DTA’s recent appearance on the cover of Sports Illustrated and on the opening of a new musical tribute to methamphetamines, entitled A Little Night Monkey, which was cowritten by DTA.

After hearing noises coming from inside the figure, employees called Cambridge police, who cleared people from the area surrounding the Methlon Building while a bomb squad investigated. The detected no explosive, but upon opening the papier-maché found inside a small, highly agitated monkey. The monkey, which calmed down quickly after receiving one of DTA’s new “Horse pills” (now in Phase 3 clinical trials), was identified by Methlon’s staff zoologist as a Senegal bushbaby, and was wearing sterling silver dog tags inscribed “W” and a gold bracelet inscribed “George.”

According to unnamed sources, the Animals’ team team kabbalist advised DTA to turn the animal over to the Boston Zoo, cautioning that involvement with monkeys had brought nothing but ill fortune to at least three other NFFA franchises and even suggesting that the sudden and mysterious gift might be part of a sinister effort by the 12th Avenue Bakers to “reverse the curse” that DTA had placed upon that team. However, the sources said, DTA had grown fond of the monkey, which he had dubbed “George W. Bushbaby,” and was already teaching it to count cards at casino games.

FSN will report further details of this story as they emerge.

CLUB GITMO NEAR BANKRUPTCY DTA's curse leads to ‘overwhelming’ losses at nightclub's sports book

2011-11-18T16:59:00.015-06:00

Bettors with money on Nancy high five one another at Club Gitmo Sports Book Monday evening when it was apparent that the Bakers — and Shiva — would lose.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

“The Curse,” as it has become known, apparently has claimed another victim in the NFFA — this time, the sports book operation at West Nashville’s Club Gitmo and Casino.

Early Thursday, FSN learned legal representatives for Club Gitmo were drawing up papers for a potential filing for Chapter 7 bankruptcy protection. The papers, one source said, could be filed as early as Friday “if things don’t work out between El Jefé and (Treasury Secretary Timothy) Geithner.”

Apparently, this bizarre and startling turn of events was set in motion by the curse placed on the 12th Avenue Bakers by Cambridge owner Dave the Animal. Last week, Bakers owner QCurl Sharif announced that he had enlisted the aid of Shiva, who pronounced that the curse had been lifted, setting up a weekend showdown between DTA and the Destroyer of Worlds. Alone among U.S. sports books, Club Gitmo set up a betting line, installing Shiva as a 4½-point favorite over Nancy, DTA’s supercomputer and the alleged source of the Animals’ self-proclaimed “awesome awesomeness.”

“Dr. Linardo was so confident in Shiva that he instructed us to take everybody’s action,” said a former Club Gitmo employee, who resigned on Tuesday morning and wished to remain nameless. “Then it seemed like everybody was taking Nancy and the points. By Sunday morning, even el Jefé was putting a million dollars on Nancy just to make sure he was covered.”

When the Bakers fell to the Corsairs on Monday night, signaling that the curse had not been broken, payouts from the sports book quickly overtook the Club’s available cash and credit, threatening the organization with insolvency.

In response, sources said Linardo met Wednesday morning with Treasury Secretary Geithner, an occasional visitor to Club Gitmo (and rumored to have been a participant in one of the zombie hunts at the now infamous Bobberhead Lodge near Hohenwald), to seek a federal bailout of Club Gitmo.

“It makes sense,” said Rock O’Kane, managing partner of Powder River Capital, a West Nashville investment fund manager. “Club Gitmo functions like a bank for the under-served West Nashville area, and if it goes under the whole regional economy could collapse. Like GM and Goldman, they are literally too big to fail, and I think for the Feds this is truly something they can’t refuse.”

FSN will have more details as they emerge.

Yesterday in the NFFA THE RELIFE AND REDEATH OF COACH VINCE LOMBARDI

2011-11-16T17:20:00.031-06:00

The portrait of Vince Lombardi that hangs in QCurl Sharif's
penthouse apartment above The Cherry Bomb Cafe.

Editor's note: The following is the first in a series of articles which revisit past NFFA Newswire coverage of significant events in the history of the league. In the opener, we go back to the 2004 season and look at the brief period when 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif — then known as G. Q. Denney — illegally exhumed the body of Vince Lombardi and gave him a fat contract to coach the Bakers.

Better Off Dead
BAKERS DUMP NAMELESS COACH, HIRE DEAD LOMBARDI

By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
9/29/2004 5:21:00 p.m.

In an expected move, Bakers' owner G.Q. Denney fired the nameless hooker from the Republican Convention who was serving as his head coach and exhumed the body of Vince Lombardi, signing him to a big fat contract in an effort to turn things around.

"This is the biggest move we've busted since the release of the Linardo Papers," said an ecstatic Denney. "Even in death Vince represents everything the Bakers stand for ... alcoholism aside. Actually, I don't know if you can be an alcoholic when you're dead.'

Rumors had circulated for weeks, energized by sightings of Bakers' officials in Lombardi's cemetery with shovels and flashlights. It has been reported that the injured Charles Garner was used to replace the body, but that story has not been substantiated.

When pressed, the owner replied: "The Bakers would never bury a former player alive ... we just don't operate like that. Our team policy has always drawn the line at unlicensed medical experimentation ... we would never go beyond that."

Lombardi has yet to appear at a press conference, but has reportedly spoken through his agent, Larry Tate. The two were seen together at last night's gay rights benefit, The Greco-Roman Ball, held at the home of Boyd X. Biggs.

DENNEY CLEARED OF CHARGES BY LEAGUE OFFICE

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
10/2/2004 12:29:00 p.m.

The AWP has learned that 12th Avenue owner G.Q. Denney has been cleared of charges of misconduct on draft night.

Speaking only on condition of anonymity, a source within the commissioner's office confirmed the investigation of Denney has been dropped.

"Bottom line is this," the source said. "Commisioner Money doesn't want to mess with the Bakers now that they have a zombie as their coach.

"Vince Zombardi was scary when he was alive," the source continued. "Now that he's dead, he's downright frightening."

The source went on to say that the Hell's Angels will be providing additional security at all Bakers games for the rest of the season. "You just never know when a zombie will up and try to kill someone."

Lombardi dead after all these years
DEAD COACH CLAIMS DEATH BEHIND LOSS

By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
10/12/2004 6:33:00 p.m.

Seems a couple of coaching moves by new Bakers head coach Vince Lombardi cost him a victory in his return to the sideline — or lack of moves. With his starting QB on a bye week and one of his WRs on the same, Lombardi had little hope.

"Yeah we looked bad this weekend," he sighed. "But did you see what our bench did to his bench. We kicked some major rump. Our bench even destroyed our starting lineup. It gives us something to strive for.'"

As for the rumor that owner G.Q. Denney laid money out against the Bakers, in collusion with Boyd X. Biggs, Lombardi became enraged. "If that's true I'll show him the business end of a dead man's wrath. I wasn't exhumed to become embroiled in a gambling and sex-change scandal ... uh, did I say sex change ... this interview is over. ..."

DEAD LOMBARDI KILLED IN BIZARRE FARM ACCIDENT

By Faith Popcorn
12th Avenue Bakers
10/19/2004 12:04:00 p.m.

SUMMERTOWN, TENN.—Vince Lombardi was found dead again Monday morning, the apparent victim of a tractor rollover. Depressed over the worst start in Bakers' history, Lombardi had sought solitude at The Farm, made famous in past decades by Stephen Gaskin.

"I spoke last with Vince Sunday night," said an obviously distraught owner G.Q. Denney. "He said Stephen could use some help bringing in the sheaves ... and he thought it would take his mind off the team's current woes. Our team is devastated by this and our doctors say there are no salvageable parts of him that could be used to create another coach."

Beelzebubbas' enforcer Jorge Linardo was seen entering the Lombardi home late Monday with a covered dish.

"There is a soft side to Jorge," Denney said. "Vince love El Jefe. They say the undead bond with the first person they see when restored to life ... he loved him so much you might have thought it was Linardo on the end of the switch."

The tractor apparently flipped on Lombardi as he attempted to cross a ditch and retrieve a wagon loaded with freshly harvested 'sheaves. One of Linardo's two sons, Manuel "Short Eyes" Linardo, was the first to find the body. The wagon in question had been removed by the time authorities had arrived.

"We're going to miss him," said a tearful Denney. "He had the unmistakable odor of winning about him. I felt it wouldn't be long before the whole squad had the same odor. Now I find out from Gaskin one of the best gatherer of sheaves he had ever had ... it's really a small world. I didn't even know that Jorge had family on the farm down there."

RYAN HOLDS CANDLELIGHT VIGIL FOR LOMBARDI

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press
10/20/2004 11:31:00 a.m.

SUMMERTOWN, TENN.—Marrowbone Creek Black Dogs coach/GM Buddy Ryan led a candlelight vigil last night at The Farm in Summertown, Tenn. in memory of 12th Bakers coach Vince Lombardi, who died there Monday in a tragic accident.

The vigil, which was held on the very spot where Lombardi died for a second time, was marked by heartfelt euologies delivered by Ryan, NFFA Commissioner William D. Money and several Black Dogs players, including QB Jake Plummer, RBs Emmitt Smith and Clinton Portis, and WR Roy Williams, who attended the service with the commissioner's daughters, Mo and Cash Money.

In a rare display of sentimentality, Ryan called Lombardi "an inspiration," as he fought back tears.

"Vince Lombardi was an [expletive] inspiration to me in life and in death, then in zombified life and now again in death," the Black Dogs coach said.

Commissioner Money praised Lombardi in his remarks. "It was a blessing, no matter how brief, when Vince returned to coaching in the NFFA," Money said. "He told me last weekend before the Bakers game with the Cambridge Animals that even though things had not gone as well as he had hoped with the team, he had no regrets that G.Q. Denney had dug him up and turned him into a zombie. He loved coaching football that much."

With Mo and Cash Money silently weeping by his side, Williams said, "Even though he died the first time before I was even born, I learned a lot about Coach Lombardi from watching countless hours of ESPN Classic. He taught me one of football's most important lessons: Run to daylight or else get your bell rung."

The vigil, which lasted into the wee hours of the morning, ended with Ryan and the others holding hands and singing the old Negro spiritual, "Swing Low, Sweet Chariot."

No word out of Bakers' headquarters as to who might be a possible replacement.

Final Note: Somehow four years later, Lombardi was reanimated especially for a Roman chariot race in the newly opened Nashville Hippodrome during the Bacchanal to the Future only to be rekilled when his chariot overturned in the fourth lap, after being sideswiped by Mojo D. Next week, we will trace the early history of the annual Bacchanal event which returns in three weeks.

MOURNERS FLOCK TO AVENUE Q Thousands react to news of CurlBaby's demise

2011-11-16T11:25:00.006-06:00

Baker fans and more gathered on Avenue Q Tuesday evening to hold
a candlelight vigil for the gone-but-not-forgotten CurlBaby.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

BAKERVILLE—As word spread early yesterday evening of the death of Curlbaby, the infant child of Bakers owner QCurl Sharif, crowds gathered near the team’s Ave. Q headquarters last night in a spontaneous outpouring of sympathy for the beleaguered — and now, apparently, accursed — franchise.

Mourners from across the city stretched for two blocks in either direction from the Cherry Bomb Café, maintaining a candlelight vigil that continued into the early hours of Wednesday morning. Among the crowd, reporters spotted a tearful Jim McMahon — who once had helped create a 20-foot-wide crater on 12th Avenue as a prank using a homemade explosive. “There are no words for this,” sobbed McMahon, who said he hoped to be able to see his old friend Sharif later in the evening. “We are all Bakers tonight.”

Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn announced Curlbaby’s death yesterday, via a statement explaining that the child had been eaten by Shiva as the Destroyer of Worlds attempted to restore energy after an apparently unsuccessful battle to end the curse imposed on the Bakers by Dave the Animal and his computer/consort Nancy. “Curlbaby was our hope for the future and now he has borne this dreadful curse for all of us,” said Nashville developer Jack May, a longtime Bakers season-ticket holder. “Please, please, please, make it stop.”

Early Wednesday, a local TV crew spotted league founder Dr. Jorgé Linardo approaching the service entrance of the Cherry Bomb, carrying what appeared to be a green bean casserole. Linardo, who ordinarily eschews media attention, stopped for a moment and told the crew, “I know what it’s like to lose a son” — a reference to the death of Manuel “Short Eyes” Linardo in one of Nashville’s most high-profile unsolved murders — “and then I lost Biggs, who was like the son I wished I never had.” Then he added with misty eyes, lapsing into his native Spanish, “Estoy aqui por Qlito in este momento de dolor.”

DTA IMPLICATED IN ZOMBIE SCANDAL Plot revealed to create ‘Undead Poets’ Society’

2011-11-15T17:43:00.009-06:00

DTA's zombie poetry slams may feature Walt
Whitman (left) 'verses' Edgar Allan Poe.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

Leaked grand jury testimony indicates that Dave the Animal of the Cambridge Animals is the latest NFFA owner to become ensnared in the widening web of investigation into the abuse of zombies at QCurl Sharif’s now-infamous Bobberhead Lodge near Hohenwald, FSN has learned.

Sources, who said they wish to remain anonymous because leaking grand jury testimony is illegal, suggest that DTA, as he is widely known throughout New England, conspired with Sharif to reanimate prominent American poets who would compete in “zombie poetry slams” as part of what was laughingly dubbed the “Undead Poets’ Society.” Allegedly, DTA had planned to organize a two-day Deadstock festival in which reanimated poets would face off against each other, reading one of their own works, with the winner (as determined by audience approval) allowed to rip the face off his or her zombie poet competitor.

The sources allowed FSN to hear what were purported to be audiotapes of a cellphone conversation between DTA and Sharif in which DTA outlined the plan. “First round will be something like Marianne Moore and Elizabeth Bishop in a bitch fight,” says the voice on the tape. “Then maybe Robert Frost vs. Longfellow or Edgar Allan Poe vs. Walt Whitman. We’ll bill the event as Zombies Verses Zombies.” Get it? Ver-sess. People will be lining up to see Allan Ginsberg against Bob Dylan.”

Reminded by former Bakers coach Snoop Dogg, who also could be heard on the tape, that Dylan is not dead yet, DTA replied, “Everything is fluid.”

Then DTA continued: “Like Auden was saying at the Lodge the other day” — an apparent reference to a reanimated version of the Anglo-American poet — “'poetry makes nothing happen.’ He’s right, and he also agrees with my prophecy that in the future everyone will be gay. You might get $200 and a year’s free subscription from the New Yorker if they publish your poem. And then everyone just skips to the cartoons. This is a way to make some real money from poetry. Poetry slams have been done to death, so we’re gonna do it to un-death. Can you imagine what people would pay to see Shakespeare vs. the Earl of Oxford? It’s the Thrilla in Unrhymed Iambic Pentameter, is what it fuckin’ is.”

Reached for comment, Ellis D. Hayes, who is serving as chief legal counsel for Sharif, said that the tape is “obviously a bigger fake than the Shroud of Turin,” before urging the media to bid on his auctions at ebay, where he said he is currently offering “the Williamsburg Bridge, a gallon jar of pixie dust, Napoleon’s shriveled and desiccated penis and several relics of the true cross.”

In a related development, Nashville police issued an arrest warrant for Beelzebubbas General Manager Chuck Barris following his indictment by a grand jury. Authorities said that Barris had until 8 a.m. Wednesday (CST) to turn himself in. Through team spokesperson Maryjane Livingood, Barris said that he would not begin any negotiations with the police until after the conclusion of the Bubbas-Sea Hogs game last night. “The evidence will show,” said Hayes, “that Chuck had legal permits to be carrying zombies on his truck, including concealed zombies, so our position is that these charges are not only baseless but constitute police harassment and restraint of legal commerce.” Hayes also announced that, as he had predicted, no charges will be filed against the Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs.

CAIN AMONG VISITORS TO BOBBERHEAD LODGE? Grand jury hears tales of human pit fighting; search warrant denied

2011-11-10T17:41:00.010-06:00

In their investigation of QCurl Sharif's Bobberhead Lodge, Howenwald police discovered a state-of-the-art human pit fighting facility dubbed The Zombie Dome by Sharif.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In the wake of grand jury indictments against three NFFA owners, a team general manager and the league commissioner’s daughters, sordid new details emerged yesterday about QCurl Sharif’s now-infamous Bobberhead Lodge near Hohenwald, where guests allegedly paid thousands of dollars each for the privilege of hunting zombies cloned from the DNA of Sea Hogs owner and international fugitive Tirik O’Bobber.

For the first time, sources within the police investigation revealed the existence of a state-of-the-art, 800-seat human pit fighting facility within the 2,000-acre Bobberhead property. According to the sources, who asked to remain anonymous because they did not have permission to discuss details of the case, Sharif frequently attended “death matches” between zombie gladiators who had been subjected to months of massive steroid injections, then dosed with methamphetamines before their fights. A guest book seized by investigators included such celebrity names as William Shatner, Luther Campbell, Jon Corzine, Omar Sharif, David Cassidy and presidential candidate Herman Cain.

The police source said that Corzine had tearfully confessed during interrogation but said “it was all a big misunderstanding.” Corzine allegedly claimed not to have been part of any death matches but had only attended “occasional” sumo wrestling events involving reanimated zombie clones of Burl Ives, whom he claimed Sharif sometimes forced to lead the crowd in singing “Michael Rowed the Boat Ashore” and “This Land Is Your Land.”

Attorneys for Corzine denied any confessions had been given and said their client would plead not guilty.

A spokesman for the Cain campaign vigorously denied that Cain had ever visited Hohenwald, despite the perhaps coincidental fact that one of the zombies was found wearing a championship belt inscribed “Hermanator.” Police said they would re-evaluate the claims about Cain’s presence in light of revelations from the Baker organization that former Vice President Dick Cheney had worn blackface on his visits to the lodge.

New details also emerged about the zombie safaris that prompted the full-scale investigation of the Bobberhead Lodge compound. According to sources, Maris and Cassandra Money were weekly customers, often hunting zombies while riding in chariots that the 12th Avenue Bakers had ostensibly donated to the Centennial Park Hippodrome they and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas had donated to the city of Nashville in 2008. Once a year, sources added, the Money sisters staged a special “running of the Bobbers” involving more than 200 zombies released as game animals. The annual hunts were accompanied by a continuous loop of the Beach Boys’ “Barbara Ann,” broadcast at concert volume over loudspeakers throughout the property, which Cash Money sometimes jokingly referred to as “Your Assic Park” as the taunted the zombies.

A Davidson County deputy district attorney said that the Bakers-Bubbas-funded Haven Hamilton Foundation, the organization through which the chariots had been donated, could be in danger of losing its 501(c)(3) tax-exempt status if the chariots were being used for profit.

In addition to scouring the Bobberhead Lodge property, police have attempted, so far in vain, to obtain search warrants for Sharif’s nearby Hohenwald farm, which is believed to contain a zombie-production operation. District Judge G. Leonard Skinner yesterday refused a third request for a warrant, said law enforcement officials.

Beelzebubbas’ attorney Ellis D. Hayes, who said he is also representing Sharif pro bono in this case, said early today that “Mr. Sharif has nothing to hide but is fully engaged at the moment in other matters.” He added that Sharif believes the scandal is connected to the curse placed on the Bakers by Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, and that with the help of longtime friend of the team Shiva the Destroyer “all will be resolved before the end of the week.”

Meanwhile, Hayes said he has filed motions to have the Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs removed from the grand jury indictment, since state law does not provide for prosecutions of the dead. He added that Bubbas’ GM Chuck Barris, whom he described as a “true patriot who one day will be recognized as one of the heroes of this struggle,” could neither comment, nor testify in open court, for reasons of national security.

BREAKING NEWS: ANIMALS HIRE PATERNO

2011-11-10T08:39:00.004-06:00

Former Penn State football coach Joe Paterno's remained unemployed for only a few hours, accepting a position with the Cambridge Animals late last night.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

CAMBRIDGE — According to a text received late last night by the AWP, disgraced Penn State football coach Joe Paterno has been hired by the NFFA's Cambridge franchise.

Animals spokesperson Leon Spinks announced in the text that Paterno has been hired as director of youth scouting. No word if former Penn State defensive assistant Jerry Sandusky also will be joining the team's youth scouting department.

Spinks also promised in the text that the team would be releasing additional information soon about the curse placed on the 12th Avenue Bakers.

NFFA OWNERS INDICTED Grand jury investigates bizarre tales of zombie hunting at ‘Bobberhead Lodge'

2011-11-09T12:30:00.015-06:00

The entrance to QCurl Sharif's Bobberhead Lodge in Howenwald.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
FSN Sports

In a startling development that threatens the remainder of the NFFA season and the ongoing viability of the league, a Nashville grand jury has issued indictments against Beelzebubbas GM Chuck Barris, the Ghost of the Ghost of Boyd X. Biggs, 12th Avenue Bakers team owner QCurl Sharif, NFFA Commissioner William D. Money, and Money’s daughters, Maris and Cassandra, aka Mo and Cash.

The indictment alleges that Barris, Biggs, Sharif and the Moneys were engaged in human trafficking, murder, human cloning and illegal gambling, all stemming from activities at a property owned by Sharif near Hohenwald, Tenn., known informally as “Bobberhead Lodge.”

According to local prosecutors, authorities began piecing together the story after Barris was stopped on Sept. 5 by police, who noticed two dead bodies strapped to the front of a Dodge Ram pickup driven by the Bubbas’ colorful general manager. At first, according to a police source, the officers believed Barris’ claim that he was a CIA assassin on a secret mission to eliminate Islamic terrorists. Then, one officer noticed that the two bodies appeared to be identical and became suspicious. Subsequent DNA tests at a state-run forensics laboratory revealed a match between the bodies and Tirik O’Bobber, the shadowy owner of the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, who remains on a terrorist watch list in Tennessee.

When police interrogated Barris further, sources say, he revealed to them that the bodies were part of an elaborate “zombie safari ring” at Sharif’s Hohenwald property. According to Barris, Sharif used reanimation technology, along with a sample of Bobber’s DNA obtained from Texas restaurateur Doris “Meemaw” Murrman to manufacture hundreds of identical “production zombies.” Guests at the Bobberhead Lodge allegedly paid thousands of dollars each for the opportunity to go on zombie hunts and invited to “bag Bobbers” using sniper rifles, 30-caliber machine guns mounted on jeeps, bows and arrows and even poison blow darts supplied by Sharif.

The grand jury indictment alleges that Mo and Cash Money, who once had been held as sex slaves aboard Bobber’s yacht, the Fatal Attraction II, were almost weekly clients at Bobberhead Lodge. William D. Money and Biggs are also alleged to have been among the occasional visitors, who allegedly also included former Vice President Dick Cheney, Supreme Court Justice Antonin Scalia, Paul Abdul, Barris and, incredibly, former Iraqi dictator Saddam Hussein.

Police say Barris told them during questioning that the hunting lodge came into being “because QCurl has never really dealt with his addiction to human pit fighting.”

Sharif, who has been the object of “Occupy Bakerville” fan protests in Sevier Park, and earlier this week announced he had been in consultations with the Hindu god Shiva to lift a curse placed on the Bakers by Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, was unavailable for comment.

Through Bubbas legal counsel, Ellis D. Hayes, the organization denied that Barris was involved in any illegal activity. “A grand jury can and will indict a ham sandwich,” said Hayes, who predicted that “this crazed misunderstanding” would soon be resolved. Meanwhile, the sports book at Club Gitmo has issued 10-to-1 odds against the proposition that a case against Barris or Biggs would ever come to trial.

Commissioner Money also was said to be unavailable for comment, but director of league security Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero said his office “would look into this and let you know if there’s anything to let you know about.”

SHIVA DECLARES END OF CURSE

2011-11-08T16:26:00.005-06:00

Shiva, shown here with Curlbaby, is a longtime friend of the Bakers and eternal touchstone for owner QCurl Sharif. Shiva has lifted an apparent curse placed on the franchise by rival coach Dave the Animal of Cambridge.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR

Just hours after the 12th Avenue Bakers' loss to Fidalgo Island, the eighth straight of the 2011 season, Shiva has intervened on behalf of the team and embattled owner QCurl Sharif, lifting a highly publicized curse placed on Sharif and the players by Cambridge owner Dave the Animal.

"I feel like I have on no clothes again!" an elated Sharif stated from the Gold Club Porch on the back of the Cherry Bomb Cafe this afternoon. He was, in fact, wearing no clothes. "Shiva came to me in a dream last night and lifted the flaming Curlbaby from my arms and transformed him into Ganesha. I had to break out the good shit on that one. They told me the curse is ended.

"I must admit I've been a little uneasy about this thing. I mean me and Animal go way back and when he dons the hoodie and chants, it can get a little dark ... though we have picked up women that way before. I was pretty close to trading him Brady to stop this, but a few friends have asked me to stand strong, as has Amy, and then this dream thing, man. When Shiva weighs in, I got to listen."

The mood was festive at the Cherry Bomb, despite the 1-8 record. Fans have experienced Baker weirdness before, and the team's fortunes often seem to ride in tandem with otherworldly events. The Bakers host the Corsairs this weekend, a team tied for the second place in the Linardo Division.

"Two things — the Corsairs will surely lose, and Cambridge will suffer some form of ill effect with this," Sharif said, as Curlbaby ignited Touchdown Tasers for those gathered on the porch. "Shiva told me that he had been too focused on preparations for this year's Bacchanal, but now it was 'game on.' I just hope no one gets hurt."

WINEHOUSE INHERITS BAKERS HOTSEAT

2011-11-07T13:40:00.007-06:00

Sharif is concerned about Curlbaby's future.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR

As the clock winds down on 12th Avenue's eighth straight loss of the 2011 NFFA season, two things have become paramount in the mind of owner QCurl Sharif — ending the horrible Bakers' downward spiral, and the health of his child, Curlbaby.

The two issues are inextricably intertwined. The new Bakers head coach is Amy Winehouse, who also happens to be the mother of Curlbaby. And, while hateful rumors have persisted about the paternity of the child, Sharif has forged ahead, placing a staggering sum of money into a Curlbaby trust, and keeping the child with him in his luxury box on gamedays. And, due to an unusual condition in which the baby may become aglow with flames at any given moment, Sharif has taken the child to many of his infamous gatherings. There is a photo circulating of Curlbaby being used by former head coach Snoop Dogg to light a party favor in the Treehouse Lounge, and the child has made a few Cherry Bomb Cafe appearances in which bartenders use him to torch up several rows of Touchdown Tasers.

The child's ability to flame up has been attributed to a new technique used in Winehouse's re-animation.

"Frankly, I'm worried about the both of them," Sharif said Sunday night from the Treehouse. "Amy has to put all of her focus into the team right now, and I'm concerned that she might have a relapse. And, while Curlbaby seems happy, he's growing at an incredible rate. I don't know how that's gonna play out, but I did let him drive me home tonight. We didn't even turn on the headlights."

When pressed about his team's fortunes, and the sudden firing of Snoop Dogg last week, Sharif made it clear that he feels the Bakers still belong in the elite class.

"We carry the weight of history," Sharif said. "I did think Snoop's rant against the Linardo Division was a bit out of line or premature, but I know where he's coming from. Pride. And, when the Corsairs threw out Cee-Lo Green as evidence of diversity in that division — well it only proved Snoop's point. Everyone knows Cee-Lo is white.

"But I'm straying from the point. People who know us continue to fear us. And, I still feel we can win out. Especially if we trade all of our current players. Amy is in the midst of personnel assessment and we're going to have a conversation in the next couple of days. I told her that she now carried a new child in her womb — the collective Baker Nation. She's got to carry that to full term!"

MIDTERM GRADES: THE GOOD, THE BAD & THE UGLY

2011-10-31T18:01:00.033-05:00

Is DTA the greatest coach in the
history of fantasy football?

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Editor's note: This report was delayed by Associated Web Press attorneys because of potentially libelous language included in the original draft. The language has been either altered or removed after review by the director of league security.

The NFFA midterm grades are in and with only three teams above .500, the marks fall into one of three categories: the good, the bad or the ugly.

THE GOOD
Corsairs (6-1) — The Corsairs went to the head of the class by combining a strong draft with some good luck — their opponents are averaging only 136 points per game against them. Ironically, the team's only loss is to the Village Green, who the Corsairs had penciled in two wins against before the season kickoff. Grade: A

The Village Green (5-2) — If not for two early games when owner Goody Goodridge rebelled against his draft gurus and kept a pair of stud RBs (Fred Jackson, Maurice Jones-Drew) on the bench, The Green would be atop the 2011 class. If their success carries them all the way to the playoffs, it will continue a trend within the league in which new owners make the playoffs in their first season. Grade: A-

Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (5-2) — No Peyton Manning, no problem. Just when the rest of the league was salivating at the impending demise of the feared and loathed Hogs of the Sea, Tirik Obobber's charges did what they've done in every season except one — and that's "just win, baby." Grade: A-

THE BAD
Cambridge Animals (3-4) — The Awesome Awesomeness prevails. Despite being dead last in scoring, more than 100 points below the team with the second fewest points, Cambridge hit the halfway post atop the Jorge division, further validating Dave the Animal as not only the Coach of the Year in 2011 in the NFFA, but the greatest coach in the history of fantasy football, not just this league, but all present and future leagues, confirming Nancy's five-year-old prophecy that he would be remembered as a coaching genius, the greatest of the great. If this grade were just for coaching, it would be an A+. Grade: C+

Atlanta Smack Daddies (3-4) — The defending NFFA champions have got to be saying to themselves, "WTF?" Only one game below .500, which normally would have them squarely in the hunt for a wild-card playoff berth entering the season's second half, the Daddies find themselves in the cellar, three games behind in the race for the division title. Grade: C-

East Nashville Black Dogs (3-4) — When Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon announced that Jizzle McMizzle was dead to him the expectation was that the Black Dogs would return to division-leading form. And while it's true they are tied with the Animals for the division lead, they didn't think they would be there with a record south of .500. Asked about his team's less-than-stellar performance thus far, McMahon said, "If my quarterbacks hadn't [expletive] me, we'd be 5-2. Grade: C-

THE UGLY
West Nashville Beelzebubbas (2-5) — The ghost of the ghost of Biggs is the first to admit his team's first half was "uglier than a Chinese football field." The 'Bubbas lost their first four games to put themselves in a big hole, but amazingly found themselves only one game out of first place in the division at the midway mark. And things may be looking up for the second-half run — they finished the first half winning two of three and may have found the big-game quarterback they were lacking in Ben Roethlisberger. Grade: D

12th Avenue Bakers (1-6) — In week one, the Bakers scored 196 points on their way to a 63.5-point trouncing of the defending champions from Atlanta. Bakers quarterback Tom Brady put up 72 points himself in that game,and the team was on top of the NFFA world. The following week, Dave the Animal had a curse put on the Bakers because he felt owner QCurl Sharif had stolen Brady from him. The second weekend, the Bakers did the unthinkable — they scored 200 points and lost. And they've lost every game since. And in every game, Brady's point totals have declined — from 72 to 60 to 50 to 34 to 35 and 35 again. One division observer said DTA's curse was so toxic it had affected not only his own team, but the entire division. In the 12 South area, aka Bakerville, the fans are restless, even though the team is still only two games out of first. The Occupy Bakerville movement has crippled the neighborhood and Sharif has given head coach Snoop Dogg the dreaded vote of confidence. Heads surely will be rolling soon down Avenue Q. Grade: F

TOP DOGG: Snoop, QCurl Talk Bakers' Resurrection

2011-10-28T15:18:00.008-05:00

BANJO MAN — Snoop Dogg strikes out at the heart of a new colonialism.

By Damon Bunyan
Ideaology of Sport Magazine

NASHVILLE — After two nights of heart-wrenching talks, the 12th Ave. Bakers have decided to keep Snoop Dogg as head coach, despite a six-game skid, and despite the rumors flying around Bakertown that the winningest coach in franchise history was about to be canned mid-season.

At a press conference this afternoon in the Dali banquet room of the Cherry Bomb Cafe, owner QCurl Sharif and Dogg stood alongside one another at the podium and talked of salvaging even this worst of seasons, the future of Amy Winehouse, and the racist tendencies found in the league and American society as a whole.

"I think the Curl felt the swirl when we first sat down the other night," Dogg said. "But he's obviously disappointed in the way this has all run downhill after those first couple of weeks. Hell, nobody's more disappointed than the big Sniz. I've got to put my third eye back on the team. The other two are too bloodshot to see anything anyway."

A misty-eyed Sharif pointed out that the Forget To Hate campaign started by his dear friend McMizzle actually triggered a chain reaction throughout the Bakers' front office in which the top brass realized they actually had forgotten to hate.

"We were going soft," Sharif said. "I think we thought we could win in this league on glitz and flash without killing anyone. I personally am re-dedicating myself to cold murder. And, I really think we can get back on the hatewagon this weekend in Atlanta. I know some of our key players have disappeared of late and the last straw was Lardarius Webb's laying down against the Animals the other night. If these guys think they can sleepwalk their way to the top, they're gonna wind up playing for some of those idiots in the Linardo Division."

Dogg agreed. Though unable to explain the disparity in the NFFA this year, he still felt the balance will return.

"In reality, these guys over in the Linardo shack are living within an illlusion. They are an enema wrapped inside a girdle. For one thing, those owners are a collection of white men that like to live off the strength of others. You know what I'm sayin? They have their boats, they have their linen suits, they live in the marbled halls and have no clue to the rhythm of the street. Evil walks over there, for shizzle. That drum you hear comin off the USS Corsair ain't the pep band..

"And even though the owners in the Jorge scene are white too, they don't know it. We don't see color over here. In fact, we do so many substances, the owners have become transparent. Curl adapts to the environment like an effin' chameleon! I think it's all about bad karma and the new Colonialism, and the Tea Party, that the owners in the Linardo Division represent. And, just because of that, I think you'll see the balance of power return to the NFFA over the next few weeks. The Bakes gonna hate and do their share!"

Later in the press conference, Sharif ordered Touchdown Tasers for everyone present and asked for a moment of silence to recognize the gravity of the moral fight in front of everyone, before downing the drinks and removing all manner of clothing. As the people, including the press, began to intermingle, some pairing off, and others gathering in steaming groups, Sharif urged all to "stick it to the man!"

"Remember, we're taking the high road," he said, swaying to an organic melody known only to him. Then, as the Cherry Bomb began to seethe, the crowd was treated to the sight of Amy Winehouse being lowered from a vaulted ceiling on the back of a bleeding, bellowing, and dying bull, wearing the new trademark 'Remember To Hate" t-shirt now on sale at the Bakers' gift shop.

Sharif continued to shout above the din as the speakers began to wail with "Back To Black," urging the spontaneous revelers to note the Bakers were still only two games back in their division, and to "kill, suck, thrill!"

MCMAHON TO THE WORLD: 'FORGET TO HATE'

2011-10-06T10:42:00.018-05:00

Black Dogs coach Jim McMahon sports a T-shirt bearing the
name of his new nonprofit endeavor, "Forget to Hate."

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

If the first four weeks of the NFFA season are any indication, the league's tenth season is going to be its most acrimonious. And that's saying a lot for a league whose history includes murder, sex slavery, castration, boot bombs, arson and thousands of gallons of Haterade. But this season, they may have to start ordering Haterade by the tanker truck.

In the midst of all this hatemongering, one man has said, "Enough is enough!" Inspired by something he was told about 12th Avenue Bakers owner and man about town QCurl Sharif, East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon has launched a new nonprofit organization called "Forget To Hate."

McMahon announced the formation of the new organization Wednesday at his weekly media circus now being held at Eastside Fish, which claims to serve the "crunkest fish in town."

"Don't get me wrong, the NFFA has always been filled with hate — just ask my boss Buddy Ryan," McMahon said. "But when I heard recently that DTA [Cambridge Animals boss Dave the Animal] was debating whether to focus on his own team's success or put all his energies into seeing that the Bakers lose, and was even contemplating loaning his best players to whomever the Bakers are playing each week, I realized the league's level of hate has taken a quantum leap."

The Bakers and their mercurial owner Sharif are in the middle of a lot of the acrimony. One league insider says it's because of the monkeys, which he insists has brought the league nothing but bad luck. And it is true Sharif introduced monkeys to the league's menagerie of characters — who could forget the late Mr. TD and the late Furious George.

But the Bakers, who face McMahon's team this week, also are in the thick of the turf wars on the West side of Nashvegas involving the West Nashville Beelzebubbas, the Corsairs (formerly the Midtown Mojo) and now The Village Green. There have been whispers up and down the stretch of 12th Avenue South known as Avenue Q that Sharif is planning to expand his territory all the way to West End Avenue, now that the Corsairs are based offshore.

Before making their move, the Corsairs ceded the 24 blocks encompassing Hillsboro Village to Goody Goodridge, which puts The Village Green right in the crossfire between the Bakers and Bubbas — a love-hate relationship, but mostly hate, which dates to the league's origins.

McMahon said he was at Club Gitmo last week when a person close to the West Nashville organization said Sharif drinks more Haterade than anyone in the league, but because of all the other substances he consumes, "QCurl forgets to hate."

"I thought what a far-out guy QCurl is that he would forget to hate," McMahon said. "He's an inspiration to us all."

The coach said the Forget To Hate organization will try to reduce gang violence in the East Nasty, as well as provide support for victims of memory loss caused by substance abuse.

In other Black Dogs news, McMahon said despite suffering a loss to the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, the game's Bobberhead chew toy promotion was a "smashing success." Doggie chew toys in the shape of Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber's head were given to the first 10,000 fans who showed up with their dog.

McMahon said while it wasn't as exciting as seeing dogs chomp down on actual Sea Hogs fans, as happened a few years ago at the Dawg House stadium in East Nashville, the dogs seemed to really enjoy sinking their fangs into the replica of Obobber's head. "If the amount of dog slobber was any indication, the promotion was a big hit," he said.

As is his custom, McMahon closed his media conference with a Latin phrase, this time giving a nod to his new nonprofit, saying, "Memor ut alieno odio."

Corsairs Open 2-0, Lead Linardo Division for First Time Ever

2011-09-19T13:09:00.001-05:00

Coach Cee-Lo Green says the team has not lived up to its potential, despite Corsairs' 2-0 start.

By Soren Byrnen
Fantasy Sports Network

Pending the outcome of the Sea Hogs-Bakers slugfest, the Corsairs will own at least a share of the Linardo division lead for the first time in its history. With the team's first 2-0 start, GM Mojo D was uncharacteristically quiet and characteristically superstitious - his knuckles were bloody from knocking on wood throughout the team's media availability aboard the luxury stadium/resort/casino NFFA Corsair.

"We've never been here before and it's a little dislocating, but a few of these Corsair Van Goghs™* are helping." With that, the GM turned the event over to coach Cee-Lo Green and perky media relations intern Sue Nommi, who read a prepared statement:
"Beating the Black Dogs in their East Nasty house in week 2 was a rush, but we were especially happy to spank the Beelzebubbas in the wake of the Dr. Jorge Linardo fiasco. It appears that the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs sent one of Jorge's many doubles for the game-ball parachute delivery, season opener and christening of this marvelous vessel. Despite the disrespect from the Bubbas, Corsairs are focused on continuing to win, especially the game ahead against the juggernaut Bakers. "

Coach Cee-Lo Green opined that "we haven't reached our potential yet. I've made some line-up mistakes that I've heard about from the General (Lee-Yhn, Corsairs owner) and Mojo D, but that tells me we have the right talent - just gotta polish my crystal balls to see the future more clearly. Which reminds me, did the Money sisters get here yet?" The room erupted in laughter, the Corsair bar staff appeared, and the media event was over.

*Corsair Van Gogh recipe:
1.5 oz Corsair Pumpkin Spice Moonshine, 1 oz. Corsair Red Absinthe. Shake with ice, strain into highball glass. Drink quickly, stay away from open flame.

Corsairs Launch “Season at Sea” Against ‘Bubbas

2011-09-11T10:07:00.008-05:00

The stadium NFFA Corsair is an engineering marvel and “a floating palace” according to former Mojo owner Sheikh Yrbouti (inset), who was one of 45,000 invited guests across the jet-set, royalty and celebrity spectrum.

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

The 2001 NFFA season began in style for the newly re-christened Corsairs, who unveiled a remarkable new stadium in their game against the West Nashville Beelzebubbas in a Week One tilt between the two old neighbors and rivals.

Even with the electric atmosphere of a new stadium and new season, the game reached a frenzied pitch before it even began, when the “father of NFFA”, Dr. Jorge Linardo, parachuted onto midfield with the ceremonial game ball. “That was a highlight,” Mojo D said, wiping back a tear. “And we’ve been pretty damn high this week.”

The reclusive Linardo nodded agreement and briefly laughed maniacally. According to Corsairs Media Relations Intern Sue Nommi, “this unusual friendship was built decades ago, and is held in place by Dr. Linardo’s and Mojo D’s mutual respect and more importantly, their deep understanding of the implications of mutually assured destruction.”

The game started with fireworks when Linardo entered the stadium, and continued with Corsairs first-round pick QB Drew Brees’ 59-point effort. Coach Cee-Lo Green said “Damn right that’s why we picked him first! Now the rest of the team has to pick up where Drew left off – I’m concerned about the backfield, and you can never tell about your Krankensteins this time of year – look at Darren Sproles riding the pine over there for the Dogs…”

But perhaps the biggest story this week is the team’s unique facility: the NFFA Corsair. The floating stadium is a luxury mash-up between a battleship, a state-of-the-art athletic facility and an Asian casino. Nommi said “like many great ideas, this one was borne of necessity. Mojo D is the GM of the club, and he needs to operate in international waters – this gives us a home base that is flexible and extradition-proof.” The perky intern also refused comment on several questions about the reasons Mojo D needs that protection.

Beelzebubbas’ GM Chuck Barris said of the new facility: “This place is unbelievable – I tell you, those Chinese can make any damn thing. I was pissed that we didn’t have a chance to work out on the field more than one day, but a visit to the casino and ‘spa’ got me just about right. Have you tried these Corsair Candy Corns?” Barris was rumored by Bubbas insiders to have “blowed a gasket” when Mojo D would not release the transfer coordinates beyond “Vancouver, BC.” Reportedly, Barris “chilled out” when the Corsair fleet of luxury transport helicopters (Green refers to them as the “Limo-Choppers”) arrived to shuttle the players, front office and selected fans to Corsair stadium. “Nothing like a Corsair Van Gogh Kir and a ride in the limo-chopper to cheer up a guy,” Nommi said.

The NFFA Corsair is a stadium, but the action is hardly limited to the field. The aforementioned spa and casino are just the beginning – since the facility also must accommodate overnight guests, it is outfitted with hotel rooms, many of which are connected to the luxury boxes, which is why the maximum capacity for the stadium is just over 40,000. “Sure, that’s tiny compared to something like the Smack Daddies’ new big-box stadium in the ATL,” Nommi admitted, “but when you look at what our fans spend when they attend the game, we can afford to give away the seat and make it back in the casino.”

The team plans to keep sailing the northern hemisphere until the end of typhoon season.

Smack Daddies Expand Footprint, Promote Brand

2011-09-08T22:59:00.005-05:00

By Jimmy Hoffa, III, Public Relations Director
Atlanta Smack Daddies Football Club

NASHVILLE — In a surprising and dramatic series of announcements at a press conference this morning outside the NFFA Tower, mercurial Atlanta SmackDaddy owner Lex Dominica and team president Tony Soprano, fresh off the team’s third NFFA title, have decided it’s the perfect time to expand the footprint of the organization and build equity in one of the empire’s most beloved brands.

In only the third time the two have ever been photographed together in public, Dominica announced he had recently awarded Soprano a substantial share in the franchise for what Dominica called Soprano’s “bold and unwavering commitment to the betterment and of the organization. “ As a beaming team president Tony Soprano looked on, Dominica went on to say that through the efforts of Soprano, Atlanta SmackDaddies Football Club, LLC had reached a “gentleman’s agreement” to purchase controlling interest in the Cracker Barrel Old Country Stores.

“We have decided to use this opportunity to expand our Bada Bing brand in many of the more than 600 locations in 42 states, “Dominica said. “We are presently working on a transition plan with the company. “ He also added a final decision hasn’t been made concerning our marketing and reintroduction of the stores.

“I must say the management at Cracker Barrel has bent over backwards to make this deal come to fruition. Tony was influential in getting the Cracker Barrel folks to see the vision and practically run to the table to sign off on this deal. I don’t know how he does it. I sometimes think he can read people’s minds.” he added.

Soprano said he shared his vision with Dominica two weeks ago after hearing Cracker Barrel investors were not happy with the book-keeping practices of the Lebanon, Tennessee based company.

“I thought this was a marriage made in heaven,” Soprano said. “They needed help with the books and we needed to get the Bing closer to all our many fans and customers, he said.”I mean who doesn’t like all them trinkets and things when you walk in the door? I especially like those root beer stick candies, except they stick to my teeth” he added.

“We’re gonna replace the country cooking in the back with something a little more spicy,” Soprano said with a wink. But we’re gonna keep the biscuits. Everybody likes the biscuits. It’s gonna be like Pussy’s hairdo," Soprano added. “It’s all business in the front, but there’s a party in the back.”

At that point, Dominica brought the focus back to the NFFA and the Atlanta Smack Daddies.

“It is with great relief that we announce we’ve agreed to relinquish control of the league offices back to the Commissioner, Dominica said. “After a fact finding trip with our security officer, Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero to see how the organization handles security issues, the Commissioner agreed to tightened security here at the NFFA Tower,” Dominica said.

Soprano then passed out copies of what he said was an agreement signed by the league’s commissioner. “We have graciously offered our services to revamp NFFA security protocol for $1 a year and an option to open the Bada Bing Dance School right here in the NFFA Tower.” Dominica said. “We’re also handling waste management services for the entire building at a special rate,” he said. “The Commissioner agreed he’d be a fool not to take our offer.”

When questioned about the team’s ability to defend the title with a revamped roster, Soprano said the team is ready to kick-off the new year. He said the organization has quietly worked behind the scenes to put a championship caliber team together, He then directed the media’s attention to the steps where he introduced former Atlanta Mayor, and current Smack Daddies CFO Bill Campbell.

“Through the continued efforts of the Atlanta Smack Daddies and the City of Atlanta, I can finally announce the planned creation of a technological and engineering marvel,” Campbell said. ‘Today, we announce the construction of our very own Bada Bing Stadium and entertainment mecca at the former sight of Underground Atlanta.”

Designed in a joint venture by HOK Sport Architecture and New Jersey based Luchese Design and Code Consultants. The 65,000 seat venue also houses three stadium clubs, five gift shops, a shooting range and a video arcade. The stadium will be capped by a 125,000 square foot Bada Bing dance club. The stadium will be connected to the new BING Casino and Resort by two 12-lane walking sidewalks. It will be one of the world’s largest all cement endeavors.

Campbell went on to say the club had sold naming rights to the Bada Bing entertainment arm of the organization for an undisclosed sum. ‘We thought it was only appropriate the SmackDaddies play our games at what we affectionately refer to as “The Bing”. “This falls in line with our concerted effort to enhance the Bada Bing brand and at the same time, give something back to the city of Atlanta. “While we’ve enjoyed our time at the Maynard Jackson Municipal Stadium, it is time the organization takes a real stranglehold of the community.”

When pushed for an answer to how the entertainment extravaganza would be funded, Campbell directed all media questions to Soprano. “I’ll let you take that up with him,” Campbell said.

Dominica said a planned unveiling of the stadium and entertainment mecca would be held at a future date.

“We’re leaving that event up to our Community Outreach executive Mr. Alge Crumpler,” the owner said. “He wanted to show off today but we thought it best for him to keep it under wraps for a later date. We didn’t want to draw away from these significant developments.”

2011-09-07T18:08:00.003-05:00

Fezzik to provide muscle to Village Green

BY Dread Pirate Roberts, Gilder Foreign Press

In a predictable show of solidarity, Fezzik sticks up for Team Manager Miracle Max by promising physical harm to anyone that threatens the Village Green.

This announcement comes amidst reports of "fog or haze" around the team's home. These accounts have been unconfirmed, yet highly likely givrn the disastrous beginning to last weeks' draft. e

In a short but brief press conference. Team spokesman states, "Never go up against a Nashvillian when death is on the line."

MCMAHON: 'MCMIZZLE IS DEAD TO ME'

2011-09-04T10:09:00.016-05:00

Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon is getting back to
what made him the winningest coach in NFFA history.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

"Last season was a blur," East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jim McMahon said last night at the Cherry Bomb Cafe.

In a freewheeling, impromptu interview, McMahon said he has put aside the distractions of a year ago when the Black Dogs failed to make the playoffs after five straight Jorge division titles and two NFFA championships.

"I got so wrapped up in the whole Jizzle McMizzle thing that I lost my focus," he said. "So I've closed my club, Jizzle McMizzle's — I'm loaning it to the Linardist party for use as their temporary Nashville headquarters.

"And I've got to tell you, man," he said with a catch in his voice. "Jizzle McMizzle is dead to me."

McMahon was in a sentimental mood as he ordered another round of Touchdown Tasers™, expressing great affection for Thurman Murrman, the owner of the Alamo Scouts. Murrman recently sold the team to Dave "Goody" Goodridge, who moved the franchise to Hillboro Village and renamed it The Village Green.

"I'm really gonna miss ThurMurr, I had 15 straight wins against him, you know," he said. "What can I say, he was my bitch. When your bitch leaves, you miss him."

After pausing to wipe a tear from his eye, McMahon continued. "But I look forward to making The Village Green my bitch. I wonder if that's what they're smoking. I hope so. You know over there it would be the kind." He closed his eyes and smiled at the very thought of what they're smoking in Hillsboro Village.

When the coach opened his eyes, he said, "I heard Mojo D has switched to a 'gay pirate Muslim terrorist' theme. Did he clear that with the Fedayeen Bakers and DTA?" Then he broke into a fit of laughter that lasted several minutes.

When he got himself under control, he ordered another round of drinks. Then a frown came over his face, as he realized he was giving an interview to the news organization which had recently picked the Black Dogs to go 5-9 and finish last in the division.

"You know, man, we're gonna make you eat that prediction," he said. "No really. I'm gonna print it out and force it down your throat."

Then he smiled what can only be described as a diabolical smile, and added, "I believe this interview is over. Is est super!"

SMACK DADDIES STILL TEAM TO BEAT

2011-09-01T10:09:00.009-05:00

Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica leaves the NFFA Tower
with team GM Tony Soprano prior to Tuesday night's draft.

By R.E. Porter
Associate Web Press

If Atlanta Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica carries himself with a bit more swagger these days, you really can't blame him. In the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association's nine seasons of play, Dominica's team has won one-third of the NFFA championships, including the 2010 crown, and he has three rings to prove it.

Now on the brink of the Nashvegas Fantasy Football Association's tenth season, the Smack Daddies again appear to be the team to beat. Beyond that, there are many questions facing the league:

• Will the Cambridge Animals regain their awesome awesomeness which deserted them in the playoffs?

• Will Peyton Manning return in time to save the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs from their second losing season in franchise history?

• Will the Midtown franchise's switch to a "gay pirate Muslim terrorist" theme improve their fortunes?

• With Tom Brady as their signal caller, will the 12th Avenue Bakers return to the playoffs?

• Was the East Nashville Black Dogs' fall from grace last season a blip or a trend?

• Will the West Nashville Beelzebubbas increase their playoff run to five straight seasons?

• Will The Village Green continue the league trend of first-year owners making the playoffs?

Here are The Associated Web Press 2011 NFFA predictions:

Jorge division
1. West Nashville Beelzebubbas (9-5)
2. Cambridge Animals (8-6)
3. 12th Avenue Bakers (7-7)
4. East Nashville Black Dogs (5-9)

Linardo division
1. Atlanta Smack Daddies (9-5)
2. Corsairs (7-7)
3. The Village Green (6-8)
4. Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (5-9)

Championship Semifinals
Smack Daddies defeat Corsairs
Animals defeat Beelzebubbas

NFFA Championship
Animals defeat Smack Daddies

'Hostile' Linardo Paternity Claim Disputed

2011-08-31T20:06:00.005-05:00

Winehouse, shown here with CurlBaby, is distraught over Linardo's latest claim.
By Noble Peace, The Daily Worm

Nashville -- The NFFA draft is less than 24 hours old and those ancient rivals — the 12th Ave. Bakers and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas — have already set the tone for the 2011 season. In fact, the two were at it a few weeks ago, when the Beelzebubbas' front office declared that they would love to play the Bakers 14 times this season.

And, while many pundits took it as early, good-natured ribbing, there were those in the league who recognized the sinister nature of the comment. Each year the two titans square off in the league's marquee weekend known as the Bacchanal (though they play twice each season). Some claim that the designated weekend trumps the league's very championship game and had ensured the NFFA's survival during leaner times.

The game has shut down Nashville on more than one occasion as authorities have been prompted to declare a state of emergency to deal with the South's largest music and re-animation festival, as well as the largest gathering which honors Shiva in the Western hemisphere.

Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif responded that there "wasn't enough liquor, drugs or sex toys" in town to accomodate such a request. Privately, he fumed to then-dead paramour Amy Winehouse that he would have revenge on his divisional rival.

"QCurl went off that night at the Cherry Bomb," Bakers' head coach Snoop Dogg said. The supreme rapper and winningest coach in Baker history was taking a break from recording at the hip new Studio Q located at the site of the old Becker's Bakery building on 12th Avenue. "And then he purposely snubbed Jorge by witholding an invitation to his birthday party Monday night at the Treehouse."

Reports are that after a personal call was placed on behalf of Linardo to Sharif that the ban was lifted, and later, the venerable league icon was spotted at his regular table, purportedly straining under the weight of a "Mt. Kilimanjaro" special. All seemed well, and the very alive Winehouse was seen laughing and toasting the table in the presence of Sharif.

But, prior to Tuesday's draft, visitors to the Beelzebubba's official website were stunned to learn that Linardo had posted the claim that he is, in fact, Sharif's father. The claim has touched off a firestorm within the Bakers' front office.

Winehouse, in particular, is distraught. Not only has she recently undergone a personal transformation under Sharif's care, but has reportedly given birth to his son. According to Dogg, she has gone into a tailspin, heartbroken that she may have inadvertently brought the two franchises together forever in actual flesh and blood. According to Dogg, the prospect of future repercussions within the league may be too much for her to bear.

"Amy is all about love," Dogg said. "She's in a crazy place. And, this is bustin my groove, too. I needed her to lay down some shit here before the season hits. QCurl just walks around in here crying and laughing and hittin the medicine. This aint cool right before the Atlanta game. I got enough problems gettin the Bakes on!"

Sharif and Winehouse are mum about the claim publicly, but are privately denying it any credence. The Bakers' lawyers are looking into all scenarios, informed sources say.

Corsairs Prepare for NFFA Launch

2011-08-30T09:09:00.000-05:00

Corsairs replace the former Mojo (L-R): an undated, unconfirmed photo of owner General Lee-Yhn; (inset) Darek Bell, who purchased naming rights to the team and its stadium; Corsairs logo; coach Cee-Lo Green

By Soren Bernyn

Fantasy Sports Network

Ending months of speculation and rumor, the team formerly known as (Midtown) Mojo re-launched itself over the weekend simply as “Corsairs” at a lavish media junket on the Chinese island of Macau. The team has a re-vamped front office, new logo, and an outspoken new coach, Cee-Lo Green, whom it appears will be the face of the organization. He replaces the disgraced and indicted Mojo D, who remains the team’s GM, but was uncharacteristically quiet during the event.

The team has made a “complex, multi-faceted deal” with Nashville-based Corsair Artisan Distillery, which has naming rights to the team’s stadium, as well as the team itself. Green said “we love Corsair – they’ve made us rich already this season, and their Red Absinthe, with its floral notes, is a fantastic 21^st-century adaptation of the hallucinatory wormwood concoction. We are just hoping to keep Mojo D out of it during the draft.”

Corsair’s artisan spirits flowed freely at the sky casino at Wynn Macau, where the team is based – largely because of the team’s new owner, a shadowy Chinese warlord known as General (or Comrade) Lee-Yhn. During the off-season, former owner Sheikh Yrbouti sold the team to Gen. Lee; reached by satellite phone in his desert compound, Yrbouti said “he made me an offer I could not refuse, plus he also purchased a large option on oil futures. It was – how do you say – a no-brainer.”

Lee did not attend the proceedings, but according to Media Relations Director Rosetta Stone, the “raging popularity” of the NFFA in the world’s most populous country “made the move a no-brainer.” The weekly lottery for tickets to Corsairs “home” games is expected to greatly expand the team’s coffers – Stone declined to give specifics, but it is clear that it stretches into a weekly seven-figure windfall.

Stone also declined comment on the commonality of the new owner’s name and the team’s former muse, Miss Lee-Yhn, the Pompatus of Love, saying only “do you have any idea how many people named Lee live in China?” Still, the question remains.

Other questions also remain: where exactly will the team play? Because of his indictment on unspecified charges, Mojo D could be taken into custody anywhere that is American soil; but there is no indication of a permanent home for the team. Sources tell FSN that a massive construction project is underway in the Chinese port city of Chongdu, and team officials have assured the league that there will be a Corsairs venue when the season starts.

Corsair Artisan Spirits founder and distiller Darek Bell smiled when asked about the stadium and said “it is an entirely unique venue that will cater to the high-end NFFA fan, but I can’t say much more than that. I can say that the bars in all the luxury suites will feature a full complement of Corsair Artisan spirits. Could I interest you in a tumbler of our Triple Smoke Whiskey? The Chinese love this stuff!” He went on to say that the naming rights are a big part of Corsair’s push into China: “they have a growing high-roller class with tons of cash and a thirst for the western lifestyle – it’s a no-brainer for Corsair.”

Despite the profusion of “no-brainer” decisions surrounding Corsairs (which is an old term for “gentleman pirate,” as well as an ill-fated 1960s American sedan), the selection of Cee-Lo Green as the team’s coach is a head-scratcher. Mojo D’s one comment at the media event was about Green: “Cee-Lo has exactly the right attitude to succeed in this league, and it is summed up succinctly in his huge hit from earlier this year: ‘Fuck You’. He brings that same in-your-face-ness to his coaching, and I expect the team will respond.”

Green echoed Mojo D’s comments and added: “this is a new adventure for me – I’ve followed the NFFA closely for years, and this crazy-ass bunch of unhinged muthafuckas is just right for my brand of competition.”

The Corsairs open their season against the East Nashville Black Dogs.

MONEY LOCKED OUT!

2011-07-28T14:59:00.013-05:00

NFFA Commissioner William D. Money is said to be in the care of
Atlanta security chief “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero. (FILE PHOTO)

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports Network

In a move that threatens the upcoming season, if not the future of the league, a representative of the NFFA Competition Committee has declared a lockout of Commissioner William D. Money at the league offices in NashVegas.

Sources confirmed that late last night, Atlanta Smack Daddies General Manager/Head Coach Tony Soprano, flanked by his team’s security officer Salvatore “Big Pussy” Bonpensiero and Smack Daddies Community Outreach Counselor Alge Crumpler, commandeered NFAA headquarters and escorted Money from the building.

This morning, doors to the downtown tower were padlocked, and NFFA staff were unable to enter the building. Reached midday at the NFFA headquarters, Soprano said the action was taken to protest the bevy of year-end trades that rocked the play-offs and propelled the Smack Daddies to their third NFFA league championship.

“As the chairman of the league’s competition committee, Mr. Dominica didn’t like the way the Commissioner handled the situation last year, and neither did I,” Soprano said. “He rolled too easily. We need a stronger leader, someone who can carry a big stick.

“Let’s just say the commissioner has been, uh, decommissioned for a while,” added Soprano with a slight smile. “We also need better snack food in the owners lounge.” Soprano also said he was exploring the possibility of situating a franchise of the Bada-Bing Club on the first floor of the NFFA Tower.

At that point, female giggles and laughter filled the speaker phone. Soprano could be heard admonishing Crumpler, telling the former NFFA Man of the Year “Keep it down. Everybody knows about your stick.” When more laughter ensued, Soprano was heard telling Crumpler, “Get the fuck outta here, and take them all out with you.” When asked who was occupying the NFFA offices, Soprano was vague in his response, saying only he and his associates were making sure all the people were in the right positions, adding “If you know what I mean.”

Soprano went on to say that Bonpensiero was making sure Commissioner Money was safe. “He ain’t in any real trouble, I mean his head isn’t in any bowling ball bag,” Soprano said. "Money didn’t protest too much since Pussy shoved his Glock halfway down his throat. I think he got a general idea that we weren’t in a playful mood as it were. Pussy will make sure the Commissioner is handled the right way. No fuss. No muss. We just want to make sure the league is set up proper like to get the new season off on the right foot. We don’t want any hanky panky by any of these whack-job owners.” Soprano then added, “Just like I tell all my sanitation peoples, 'If something smells or leaves a spot, then we haven’t done our job right.'”

It was not completely clear what role Smack Daddies owner Lex Dominica had in the bizarre raid on NFFA headquarters. According to Soprano, he hasn’t had an audience with the owner since Dominica left to allegedly organize the upcoming training camp at the team’s facility 30 miles outside of Havana. Soprano refused to speculate if Dominica’s presence in Cuba was tied to Venezuela President Hugo Chavez’s arrival back to Cuba for medical treatment. He declined to answer if Chavez was using the Smack Daddies team of former East German doctors.

“Those guys are good,” Soprano said, referring to the SmackDaddy medical team. “I seen them do some real good medical stuff with my own two eyes.”

Soprano said he was planning to revamp. “Rest assured the SmackDaddies are eager to get the season started, “ Soprano said. “There is no doubt this team is ready to defend the title. We just want to make sure we’re playing it on the level. We’re ready to light this fuse.”

FOREBODING INFORMATION RECEIVED FROM ANIMALS

2010-12-22T11:32:00.003-06:00

Have we seen the last of DTA?

The Associated Web Press received the following information from a source within the Cambridge Animals organization yesterday. Its authenticity has been confirmed.

Unable to bear the humiliation of defeat, DTA has begun construction of a pyramid next to his Cambridge, Massachusetts compound where he and Nancy will hoard their empire's vast possessions, lie together one last time, and set off a holy conflagration that will, he says, “Blaze up into the heavens for all eternity, because it will be fueled by some fifty thousand tons of fine crack cocaine and crystal.”

In a statement read by the ghost of Garrett Morris for the benefit of the Linardos, DTA says, “All of my life has been modeled upon that other great world leader and female impersonator Cleopatra VII, and so shall be my death.”

He will of course be followed in death by his entire, devoted “Staff of Ten Thousand”: Animal Spokesperson (G.O.) Leon Spinks, Animal Consort and Head Coach Joe Willie Namath, Team Plaything Lance Alworth, various exotic animals, along with all the other mulleted redneck freaks who've helped him build his empire in garages and feed stores across this great land of ours.

In honor of his own mixed heritage and in light of the Michael Vick tragedy, he has humbly requested that all the Southern NFFA owners free their slaves at once, “and if any of those owners have loved DTA enough to allow those slaves to beat them to death with cats, so be it: their remains may then rest for all time alongside mine and Nancy's, assuming of course that Nancy actually burns, which is in some doubt.”

— Spinks, Ghost of

CAN ANYONE STOP THE ANIMALS' AWESOME AWESOMENESS

2010-12-14T13:19:00.011-06:00

Former ring winners (lower L-R) Tarik Obobber, Lex Dominica and the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs hope to stop DTA (above) and the streaking Cambridge Animals in their quest for a first NFFA title.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

Owner of the hottest team in the NFFA and 2010 Coach of the Year, Dave the Animal begins his quest for his first championship ring Thursday night, and the question on everyone's mind is this: Can anyone stop the Cambridge Animals' awesome awesomeness?

Music City Sports Book is drinking the DTA Kool-Aid, installing the Animals as 3-2 favorites for the title, followed by the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (3-1), the West Nashville Beelzebubbas (5-1) and the Atlanta Smack Daddies (6-1).

According to MCSB spokesperson House Wynn, the Animals, who dethroned the East Nashville Black Dogs in the Jorge division, get the nod because "they have quarterback Tom Brady and the other teams don't."

When it comes to championships, DTA's three opponents all have been there and done that — both Lex Dominica (Smack Daddies) and Tarik Obobber (Sea Hogs) have two titles, and the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs (Beelzebubbas) has one.

But DTA, who is a self-proclaimed coaching genius, is not without playoff experience. The Animals were upset by the Southall Block Rockers in the 2004 championship game and also made the playoffs in 2006. DTA's coaching genius is widely recognized, having not only developed quarterbacks Peyton Manning and Drew Brees, but also pioneered the controversial 2Q system, which was struck down two years ago as illegal by Commissioner William D. Money. This season, he is credited with reviving the career of Brady, whom he shrewdly obtained in a trade with the Midtown Mojo.

In fact, after the Sea Hogs and the East Nashville Black Dogs, the Animals have been the third-most successful franchise in the seven-season, playoff era, as the table below shows.

One of DTA's rivals for the title admitted to this reporter that "it may be the Animals' year to get a championship."

If Animals fall short in their goal of a first title, the Daddies and Hogs will try to become the first team with three championships, while the 'Bubbas will attempt to become the fourth team with two rings. (In addition to the Smack Daddies and Sea Hogs, the Black Dogs have two titles.)

SHARIF HAS A VISION; EMANUEL GONE

2010-12-01T14:35:00.017-06:00

An artist's rendering of QCurl Sharif's backyard. Sharif has fired new GM Rahm Emanuel in a surprise move, supporting his coach, and called for a party.

By Faith Popcorn
BAKERS PR

NASHVILLE -- The 12th Ave. Bakers' front office, in a tersely worded press release, revealed this morning that GM Rahm Emanuel has been fired, effective immediately. Owner QCurl Sharif, visibly impaired, and a beaming head coach Snoop Dogg, enjoyed a conciliatory lunch together today at the venerable Cherry Bomb Cafe.

The Bakers (4-8) have had a miserable season, after high expectations, and Sharif had brought Emanuel in a month ago in an attempt to right a listing ship. It had been speculated in recent weeks that Snoop's job was in jeopardy as the losses continued to pile up, but apparently Sharif has had a change of heart.

"I always said I would walk through hell behind this guy," Sharif told the small crowd. "And we are walking through there right now. Snoop's boots are on fire but his head is full of ice. In fact, he's a walking Touchdown Taser."

The Bakers fell to the East Nashville Black Dogs this past week, dashing any feeble hope of a final push for the playoffs. The team is now 0-4 in the division for 2010, and Dogg's career record stands square at 20-20 following yet another narrow defeat. Still, the owner is throwing his support behind the winningest coach in Baker history. They face the division-leading and ancient rival West Nashville Beelzebubbas this weekend.

Sharif alluded to a vision he had Tuesday night after his dinner.

"My trusted aide, Bear Bear, had burned the dried husks of the fabled powpow flower at my table and I was transported to a beautiful place where men of all race and creed wrestled with one another and slathered lard onto the faces of several enormous statues standing nearby.

"I was stunned by the beauty of the setting ... a long and narrow pool flanked by a verdant green beneath a cloudless and blue sky with perhaps one hundred men in various grappling poses. Then, rising from the center of the pool, I saw the ghosts of past NFFA greats and the ghosts of ghosts — our players, owners, coaches and mascots — in a parade of the mind.

"There soon followed the fans — those who had died in revelry and wild support — led by the multi-breasted goddess Artemis who carried fallen Baker Steve McNair suckled fast against her. And I cried great heroic tears for my brothers and realized the blessing I have here in this league. And, as the lard began to drip from the statues, the faces revealed were of the original owners — even myself — and they looked down on me and a voice rose in crystal from the water and spoke 'Bacchanal.'

"And as the wind of the fabled powpow lifted me and transported me further again to a brothel, I came to know my duty. Fire Emanuel. He knows nothing of Snoop or of this terrible and wondrous place we call the NFFA."

For a moment, the crowd at the Cherry Bomb was taken aback, followed by broken applause and a growing chant of "Bacchanal ... Bacchanal..." Snoop Dogg seemed to bask in the glow of wounded Baker pride.

"Shizznit on the fuzznut," he said, taking Sharif by both hands. "We gonna break wizzle on the Beelze-skizzle."

NFFA BUBBLE TEAMS FACE CRITICAL WEEKEND

2010-11-28T11:15:00.000-06:00

In a text to the commisioner, DTA declared himself, "a Penius." (File photo) By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS —With only three games to go in the NFFA regular season, this weekend is heavy with playoff implications.

In the Jorge division, all four teams are mathematically still in the championship playoff hunt, although at 4-7, the 12th Avenue Bakers' hopes are on life support.

Despite a two-game slide, the 8-3 West Nashville Beelzebubbas are still in the driver's seat to win the Jorge division title and unseat the East Nashville Black Dogs (5-6), who have been division champs for the past five seasons. While still mathematically in the mix for the division title, the Black Dogs do not control their own destiny. They do control their own destiny when it comes to one of the two wild-card spots. The Bakers have to win out and pray for a Qmonic Convergance.

The real threat to the Beelzebubbas is the awesome awesomeness of the 6-5 Cambridge Animals, and the division's top two teams square off this weekend. (In the early round of games on Thanksgiving Day, newly acquired Cambridge QB Tom Brady went for 58 against a reeling 'Bubbas defense, as the Animals opened up an 80-point lead. As Brady piled up the points, Cambridge owner Dave the Animal, or DTA as he's been dubbed by the Boston media, sent a text to the commissioner declaring himself "a Penius.")

The picture is clearer in the Linardo division, where either the Atlanta Smack Daddies (9-2) or the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (8-3) will wear the division crown. The Daddies, who have clinched at least a wild-card berth, host the Hogs this weekend in Atlanta in the most significant game of the season thus far. If Atlanta prevails, they will open up a two-game lead on Fidalgo Island with only two games to go. If the Sea Hogs win the heavyweight throwdown, they will be tied in record with the Smack Daddies and have the first tiebreaker — head-to-head competition, having defeated the Daddies at home earlier in the season.

The two other Linardo division teams — the Alamo Scouts and the Midtown Mojo — have identical 2-9 records and have already been eliminated from the playoffs. The Scouts and Mojo square off this weekend in Alamo, and the loser of the game will likely secure the first pick in the 2011 NFFA draft, a pick that has become even more lucrative with the recent decision to return all players to the draft pool for the 2011 draft.

The Cherry Bomb Cafe-based Music City Bookmakers™released their playoff odds on Wednesday.

Odds to win the Jorge division title
Beezlebubbas 5-2
Animals 5-1
Black Dogs 25-1

Odds to win the Linardo division title
Smack Daddies 3-2
Sea Hogs 3-1

Odds to make the playoffs
Fidalgo Island 3-2
West Nashville 3-2
Animals 3-1
Black Dogs 10-1
Bakers 50-1

They hate us ...

Beelzebubbas executive Rod "He Hate Me" Smart doesn't like "the taste of Haterade."

Beelzelbubbas executive Rod "He Hate Me" Smart has been outspoken on the subject of who's drinking the Haterade, and singled out the Bakers on the league smack board. "I heard they were gonna ditch Grey Goose and give their stadium naming rights to Haterade," Smart joked two nights ago at Club Gitmo.

But according to Smart, the Bakes aren't the only franchise spreading the hate, that the Mojo and the Animals are, too. "For the Mojo, hatred isn't a strategy, it's a lifestyle," He Hate Me said. "Now in the case of the Animals, they mix their Haterade with Methlon vitamins."

There has always been friction between the Bakers, 'Bubbas, and Mojo over their overlapping turf, but it has taken a nasty turn this season. Smart said the hate wasn't coming from the 'Bubbas.

"The Beezlebubbas have always been about the love — in fact, several members of the team emigrated from the planet Lovetron," He Hate Me continued. "We don't hate, we congratulate — and we don't like the taste of Haterade. But we also know sometimes you have to use violence against the haters.

"We win, so they hate us."

Got MOJO? Maybe so...

2010-11-18T16:23:00.000-06:00

New MOJO Owner Sheikh Yrbouti enjoys the press conference after Mike Vick's record-setting performance in Week 10. Got MOJO? Maybe so...
By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports Network

After a 0-7 first half, the team formerly known as the Midtown Mojo has stopped dropping letters from its name and started adding Ws. After winning two of its last three games, the team is showing signs of renewed confidence, particularly noticeable in QB Mike Vick's astounding 77-point performance against the Beelzebubbas. That remarkable game established a new gold standard in the NFFA, and has inspired a team in dire need of direction and motivation, while simultaneously delivering a demoralizing blow to the hated 'Bubbas.

Through an interpreter, the team's new owner Sheikh Yrbouti, said "I do not know much about this football, but I know when a man is playing with boys -- Michael Vick is a man." Yrbouti arrived on the scene after week 9, several weeks after the team's owner, GM, coach and mascot all mysteriously disappeared. The Sheikh arrived at the team's HQ with a deed to the place and papers that identified him as the owner of "the once and future Mojo," which he claimed to have won in a card game in Marrakech with a woman known only as "Lee."

Vick said, "the Sheikh showed up, brought out a big brick of Moroccan hash, and the locker room hasn't been the same since. Guys are loving the atmosphere -- we even got DMC to lay off the Qookies and Brandon Marshall to put down his Cranker Barrel charge card."

2008 BLACK DOGS CELEBRATE SEA HOGS LOSS

2010-11-06T14:50:00.003-05:00

Corks were popping at McMizzle's Monday night as Coach Jizzle McMizzle (inset) and the 2008 East Nashville Black Dogs celebrated last week's loss by previously undefeated Fidalgo Island.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASHVILLE — McMizzle's nightclub on Main Street was the scene of a boisterous party late Monday evening as members of the 2008 East Nashville Black Dogs, the only team in NFFA history to complete a season undefeated, celebrated the loss by 7-0 Fidalgo Island to West Nashville. The Sea Hogs loss left every team in the league with at least one defeat.

Following the example of their NFL counterparts, the 1972 Miami Dolphins, members of the '08 Black Dogs team gathered last year to celebrate when the last undefeated team, the 3-0 West Nashville Beelzebubbas, lost. They continued the tradition this season, having to keep the champagne on ice twice as long, but after the 'Bubbas knocked off the Hogs last weekend, their legacy is intact.

Coach Jizzle McMizzle hosted the 16-0 2008 championship team at his East Nashville joint, and by all accounts, the Dom Perignon was flowing freely. A number of players on the current Black Dogs roster were members of the '08 team and in attendance Monday evening, including Maurice Jones Drew, Greg Jennings, Braylon Edwards, Jared Allen, Patrick Willis, Brian Urlacher, Barrett Ruud and Matt Ryan.

Members of other franchises also were among the attendees, including Fidalgo Island's Frank Gore, Atlanta's Chris Johnson, Cambridge's Matt Shaub and Adam Vinatieri, and 12th Avenue's Matt Cassel.

A clearly buzzed Gore, who has played for Fidalgo Island since the undefeated season, said he had been pulling for the Hogs to lose, then added, "But don't tell Mr. Obobber [Sea Hogs owner]."

Near the end of the evening, as a happy McMizzle surveyed his joyous current and former players, he said, "Nos celebrate nos erant invictus."

MIDTERM REPORT CARD: HOGS, 'BUBBAS AT HEAD OF CLASS

2010-10-29T11:51:00.003-05:00

Midtown fans have turned losing into a fashion statement.
By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — It's the halfway point of the ninth NFFA season, and once again, it's time to hand out the teams' midterm grades.

Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs (7-0): A+
The Sea Hogs are perfect so far, have a two-game lead in the Linardo division race, and are showing no signs of suffering from any curse of the champion. In fact, they are the favorites to win the title for the third time, and become the first champion ever to repeat. They not only have scored the most points, they have had the least number of points scored against them. Also, their defenders have scored more points than any other team's defenders.

West Nashville Beelzebubbas (6-1): A
Like the Sea Hogs, the Beelzebubbas have a two-game lead in their division race. Their only loss was to the Hogs on the opening weekend, and since then, led by league-leading QB Philip Rivers, they have reeled off six straight Ws, averaging 165 points per game. The team demolished its three division opponents, winning by an average of 50 points.

Atlanta Smack Daddies (5-2): B+
The Smack Daddies are right where you would expect them to be at the halfway point: more wins than losses, third in points scored, and on track for a return to the playoffs and a chance for a third ring. And this, despite down years for two of the team's leading players: QB Aaron Rodgers and RB Chris Johnson. The Daddies only losses are to the Sea Hogs and Beelzebubbas.

Cambridge Animals (4-3): B-
After posting their second straight win last weekend against 12th Avenue in what some are calling the greatest game in NFFA history, the Animals have their "awesome awesomeness" back. With a stable of high-scoring RBs — they have five averaging 10 or more points a game — the Animals have the inside track for the second wild-card playoff spot.

East Nashville Black Dogs (3-4): C
The Black Dogs find themselves in unfamiliar territory. To begin with, they aren't atop the Jorge division, where they have been entrenched for the past five seasons. During that time, they have been the highest scoring franchise, but this season, they are next-to-last in points scored, having tallied more than 200 fewer points than the league-leading Sea Hogs. Although Coach Jizzle McMizzle vows the team will turn their season around and still make the playoffs, it looks as if what goes around has finally come back around for the Dogs.

12th Avenue Bakers (2-5): C-
Despite only two Ws, the Bakers get a C- because they have been the victim of bad luck. In three of their losses, they have scored more than 150 points, including last weekend in their two-point loss to the Animals in the so-called greatest game in league history. Owner QCurl Sharif has privately blamed QB Drew Brees for the Bakers slow start, but new GM Rahm Emanuel has dropped hints that head coach Snoop Dogg is the problem. Stay tuned for more drama in Baker nation.

Alamo Scouts (1-6): D
The Scouts were the preseason darlings of Methlon's NFFA Preview magazine, but they have disappointed so far. Starting QB Ben Roethlisberger missed the first four weeks of the season because of his suspension, plus they have only one RB in the top 10 and only one WR in the top 30. MeeMaw Murrman had better get her skillet out and start applying some motivation upside some players' heads, starting with stud WR Larry Fitzgerald.

Midtown Mojo (0-7): F
As each winless week has passed, the Midtown franchise has fallen further into disarray. After being hospitalized in a coma, owner Mojo-D has disappeared, as has mascot Mojo Jojo and GM Miss Lee Yhn. Word on the street in Hillsboro Village is that Mojo-D's hated rival Randy Rayburn is running the team now. Whether that is true or not, the team's Volvo-driving, chablis-swilling fans, who were giddy after the draft, have taken to wearing paper bags over their heads, which they consider a fashion accessory.

TROUBLE IN BAKERLAND: SHARIF NAMES EMANUEL NEW BAKERS GM

2010-10-28T10:29:00.009-05:00

The 12th Ave. Bakers are trying to stop the bleeding, according to owner QCurl Sharif, with the hiring of new GM Rahm Emanuel. It is reported that head coach Snoop Dogg opposed the hire.By Faith Popcorn
TWELVE AVE. PUBLIC RELATIONS
NASHVILLE -- As the 12th Ave. Bakers have watched their 2010 season unravel — a season for which the fans and owner QCurl Sharif had high hopes — a battle has apparently transpired behind closed doors in an effort to place blame for the poor start, and to find a way to turn the campaign around.

At end of day Wednesday, Sharif addressed reporters and announced the hiring of former White House chief of staff Rahm Emanuel as the new Bakers GM. According to Sharif, Emanuel was approached last weekend as the team suffered a narrow loss to the Cambridge Animals.

'He was my guest this past weekend,' Sharif said. 'And, despite the loss, he was impressed with the team and the fan base. He noted that we are scoring points, but seemed unable to close the deals. He communicated this to Mr. Dogg at dinner later Monday night — and to be honest — it didn't go over well. In fact, Snoop turned over the table and one of the Touchdown Tasers caught Rahm's suit on fire.'

Emanuel signed a contract Wednesday morning and Snoop Dogg talked to reporters and fans from the Treehouse Studio last night. He was wrapping up a tribute record honoring Tammy Wynette with a cover of 'Stand By Your Man' by Lady GaGa.

'I guess we'll find some common ground,' Dogg said. 'But, if the state of the White House is an indication of what he's going to do for us, then I have some doubt ... no doubt. This is the NFFA for dogg's sake — we strap it on and get down with the best week in and week out. I mean, shit, we've got the fourth best offense in the league and our defense played lights out last week. It's hardcore out there. Sometimes the bear eats you. Hell man, we had three players knocked out our game two weeks ago. I hope Mr. Emanuel is ready for this. Politics ain't nuthin' but showbiz.'

Dogg is the winningest coach in Bakers' history, compiling an overall record of 19-17 to date, and has carried the team to the playoffs twice after replacing the popular Randy Warhol. His postseason record is 1-3.

'Snoop's record is not an issue,' Emanuel said from Sharif's home this morning. 'And his job is not in jeopardy. But, as QCurl says: 'Why settle for mediocrity?' ... I have confidence that Snoop will get the players motivated and back on course.'

When told today of Emanuel's comment, Dogg was somewhat surprised.

'If Rahm wants to get up in my business, he'll find out what jeopardy really is ... in fact, I'll leadpipe him so bad he'll look like Alex Tribek.'

MCMIZZLE GOES OFF AT OCTOBERFEST

2010-10-09T15:59:00.015-05:00

Cell phone photo of East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle during an altercation with 12th Avenue fans at Saturday's Octoberfest celebration. (Photo courtesy of Missy Bass)

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — On the eve of his team's visit to 12th Avenue, East Nashville Black Dogs coach Jizzle McMizzle caused a scene yesterday at the annual Octoberfest in the Germantown area of Nashvegas.

According to witnesses attending the event, an obviously drunk McMizzle engaged in a verbal altercation with several Bakers fans.

Jeremy Huff, who was attending the fest with his wife and son, said three young men wearing Bakers merchandise and sporting QCurl tattoos, confronted McMizzle outside one of the beer tents and challenged him about his team's mediocre start.

"The fans started it," Huff said. "It looked like McMizzle was having a hard time staying upright."

Missy Bass, another attendee, said one of the men told the coach he "sucked," to which McMizzle slurred, "I'll have you know that rumor's not true."

Bass said the conversation continued as follows:

"You're going down tomorrow, chump," one of the other men told him.

"I've never lost to the Bakers," McMizzle replied.

"Yeah, you did, dumbass," the first man said. "Last year, next-to-last game, sucka."

"Oh, yeah, you're right, I forgot about that," the coach slurred. "Well, we're still gonna kick your asses."

"Y'all gonna be in Baker Nation, Coach. Y'all may not make it out alive."

Bass said at that point, McMizzle pulled a gun, and mumbled something about they better not make him mad. The first Bakers fan said to the others, "That dude is whack. Let's get outta here," and then started to leave.

As they walked away, McMizzle yelled at them to stop. "I'll tell you one thing," he said loudly. "The curse is gonna get the [expletive] [Fidalgo Island Sea], Hogs. Somebody big on the Hogs is gonna get hurt, probably [expletive] Peyton [Manning, Sea Hogs starting quarterback] — and it could happen this weekend. Write that down."

"I ain't got a pen, Coach, or any [expletive] paper," the first Bakers fan said. "Write it down, your damn self. See ya tomorrow in the nation, sucka."

The curse McMizzle referred to is curse of the NFFA champion. Not only has no champion in the eight-year history of the league been able to repeat, in many cases they had a big fall the following season. With their 4-0 start, there is no evidence the defending champions from Fidalgo Island are suffering any such affliction.

Mojo D Desperately Seeking Mojo's Mojo

2010-09-30T12:31:00.000-05:00

Mojo D met with a voudon called Shula (left) to conjure up a win for Midtown; Mojo Jojo (right) sacrificed a paw for the cause.

by Soren Bernyn, FSN
After another winless start, the Midtown Mojo are looking for any help they can get. Coach Mojo D was spotted earlier this week outside Midtown, meeting with a voudon (voodoo priestess) to find a supernatural edge against the Bakers in their Week 4 tilt. "Clearly, the Mojo have lost their Mojo. The front-office is looking good with free agent pick-ups like Mike Vick and Dustin Keller, but it ain't happening on the field, and that's all about luck -- so we've got to change our luck. The best way I know how to do that is hire a conjurer."

Accompanying Mojo D was the team's mascot and GM, Mojo Jojo. "Jojo is coming along to renew his commitment to the team by sacrificing the powerful talisman of the monkey-paw. Shula tells me this is how she helped the 1972 Dolphins and 2009 Saints in their historic victories." Indeed, after the encounter, Jojo was sporting a metallic, bionic hand, but had nothing to say to the media. He did, however, use the new hand to fling poo at reporters on the scene, laughing maniacally (see photo, right above).

The Mojo-Bakers rivalry has usually been a tepid affair, but Mojo D turned up the heat with the opening of the Mojodome, which is located on the grounds of the Tennessee Governor's Mansion. It is the first geothermal-powered, fully underground stadium in the world -- its retractable roof is the front lawn of the mansion. But it also is outside the generally accepted (but disputed) boundaries of Midtown, and close to South Nashville turf claimed by the Bakers. "We've worked it out as far south as Woodmont Blvd., then it's no-man's land. Or rather, it WAS no-man's land."

Mojo D's shell company, Midtown Merch, has also purchased 10,000 "Homer" masks to mock the Baker's owner, whose affinity for Tennessee Titans players has been a source of hilarity for other teams in the NFFA. During "Homer Sharif Day," the Mojo will distribute the masks for fans to wear on their march to the Bakers' field. (Illustration below provided by Mojo PR Diva, Rosetta Stone)

BAKER FANS RALLY FOR OPENER

2010-09-09T03:11:00.003-05:00

Self-proclaimed Baker UberFan Lady 2Curl relaxes in front of the Cherry Bomb Cafe as the faithful began to gather on Wednesday.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR

Nashville -- In preparation for this weekend's opener with the Alamo Scouts, 12th Ave. Bakers fans began pouring into the Cherry Bomb Cafe and the surrounding city blocks on Wednesday to show support for a team they expect to make run deep into the playoffs this year.

"We've already been disrespected by the press," said Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg, who was on hand for the traditional Busting of the Cherry that traditionally kicks off the season for the hopeful each year. No one was injured at this year's event. "Methlon Publications obviously cow-towed to the ham-handed tactics of the Beelzebubbas' organization in recalling the preseason magazines. This has their pawprints all over it, and if the Animals' ownership is so out of it to allow themselves to be manipulated by what is patently known as a rogue organization — well we certainly don't have to worry about them putting a competitive team on the field.

"One down, six to go."

It should be noted that this year's celebration is being resided over by Cherry Buster Queen Lady 2Curl, who will be on hand as an honorary captain for the coin toss. Bakers' owner QCurl Sharif will not attend pre-game festivities this year, but will arrive in Nashville prior to the opener, following an extended rehab stint in Bordeaux. This marks his third straight pre-season rehab stay, and coach Dogg elaborated.

"That's in North Nashville, not France," said Dogg. "My kind of wine country. I'm not saying the man ain't clean, but most people go there to get shot."

METHLON'S NFFA PREVIEW RECALLS BAKERS EDITION

2010-08-31T18:22:00.020-05:00

More than one million copies of Methlon's NFFA Preview
are being recalled in reaction to last night's draft.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

CAMBRIDGE — Methlon Publications is recalling more than one million copies of their 2010 edition of NFFA Preview following Monday night's NFFA draft, the AWP has learned.

According to Methlon spokesperson Jerry Wayne McCohen, the editors realized they had made a "horrible mistake" by picking the 12th Avenue Bakers to finally win it all this season.

"I was hanging out with the editorial staff, watching the draft last night on Fantasy Sports Network, and they didn't know whether to laugh or cry over some of the Bakers' picks," McCohen said.

When the draft ended, the Methlon editors conferred for a few minutes and unanimously agreed they could not risk the embarrassment of picking 12th Avenue.

"Of course, this is gonna cost Dave the Animal millions of dollars, but he can afford it," McCohen said.

The recalled editions featured Bakers owner and bon vivant QCurl Sharif attired in an elephant mask representing the Hindu deity Lord Ganesha, and no doubt will become a hot item on eBay. According to McCohen, no one at the cover photo shoot knew why Sharif wore the Genesha mask.

"QCurl was pretty gone that day," he recalled. "I remember him mumbling something about Genesha, but I thought he was requesting some Middle Eastern dish, babaganeesh or something like that. One of the production assistants thought he wanted a certain brand of incense."

According to McCohen, near the end of the draft, editor-in-chief Dick Leonard said they should have photographed Q wearing a Homer Simpson mask, and from that point forward, they all started calling him Homer Sharif because he loaded up on Tennessee Titans players. Five of the Bakers' 17 picks were from Tennessee.

According to a source within the Methlon organization, the magazine will switch its pick to the Alamo Scouts, who had the best draft grade according to the magazine's editors, to be the 2010 champions.

The consensus among the Methlon editors was the Scouts graded an A; the Atlanta Smack Daddies, the East Nashville Black Dogs, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, and the West Nashville Beelzebubbas all had a B grade; the Cambridge Animals let the computer pick, and despite a few unexplainable choices, they graded a C+; the Midtown Mojo got a C; and the Bakers got a C-.

BIGGS’ GHOST REMAINS SIDELINED FOR PLAYOFFS Rebuffed by 'Bubbas, ex-coach turns to predictions and tell-all books

2009-12-20T11:38:00.003-06:00

The ghost of Boyd X. Biggs was recently photographed hanging out
at The Cherry Bomb Cafe with hidden infrared cameras.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

FSN has learned that the ghost of Boyd X. Biggs reached out to the Beelzebubbas organization on Thursday morning, requesting that he be allowed to resume his former coaching duties. Team sources, however, said that Charles Woodson would remain as interim head coach “for the foreseeable future.”

Biggs’ ghost apparently sent his proposal via text message to Jorgé Linardo, the team’s CEO Emeritus and Biggs’ mentor. According to a source who had seen the message, Biggs said that, while he was enjoying life on the other side, it “lacked the excitement” of the NFFA. “There’s no violence,” complained Biggs, “and all the stuff that QCurl [Sharif] told me about 70 virgins was bullsh*t. Turns out there were some 70-year-OLD virgins. Which would have been OK if they’d been nuns, but they weren’t.”

Describing himself as a “restless spirit,” Biggs wrote that he’d like to return to the sidelines for the Bubbas’ playoff run.

“Dr. Linardo and I don’t think this is a good idea,” said Bubbas’ Community Outreach Coordinator Anton Chigur. “The team got hot when Biggs died, and we don’t want to mess with the fragile chemistry. (Messing with chemistry is for the Animals.) Dr. L is trying to work something out where maybe Biggs can inhabit the body of Mo Money — I mean, it’s not like he hasn’t been in there before — and coach the Sea Hogs.” Otherwise, said Chigur, Biggs would continue in his role as “freelance volunteer scout” for the team.

In an exclusive interview with FSN, the first since his demise, Biggs described himself as disappointed by the news, but said that “death goes on” and that he would stay involved in other pursuits. He said he’s working on a new book, Who’s Gay in Paradise, and is devoting some of his spare time to “helping OJ find the real killer.” He also promised to “blow the lid off this whole Bermuda Triangle thing,” but is waiting “until the price is right” to sell the story to media organizations.

Still, said Biggs, he hasn’t adjusted to his new lifestyle. “There are advantages and disadvantages to no longer needing physical sustenance,” he philosophized. “Right now I’d give my left nut for a Touchdown Taser™.”

Asked specifically to comment on Dave the Animal’s claim that God was bringing about the end of the world in retribution for the Bakers’ playoff-clinching victory over his team, Biggs said the information appeared to be false. Instead, he confirmed the accuracy of the Mayan long-count calendar, which predicts the world will end in December 2012. “I was talking the other day to Quetzlcoatl, who had been to a barbecue with some of the Mayan pantheon, so I have this on good authority,” Biggs explained. “In 2012, the Animals will finish the regular season 14-0 and breeze through the first round of the playoffs. Then, before they can close out the championship, the world blows up like some giant meth lab. Quetz says that would be some funky karma, if ,of course there were such a thing as karma.”

MCMIZZLE DEPLOYS 'MAJOR JUJU' AGAINST BEELZEBUBBAS Mayan shaman named assistant coach for playoffs

2009-12-18T08:37:00.016-06:00

New Black Dogs assistant coach Don Carlos, shown here outside
the team's East Nashville headquarters, is in charge of juju.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Earlier this week, West Nashville executive Chuck Barris said, "If you want to be the shizzle, you have to beat McMizzle."

He was referring, of course, to East Nashville Black Dogs head coach Jizzle McMizzle, the winningest coach in NFFA history, who the Beelzebubbas face in the opening round of the championship playoffs at the Dog House this weekend.

In five seasons, McMizzle has compiled an unmatched resume, which includes a 51-19 regular season record (.729 winning percentage), five consecutive Jorge division titles, and two NFFA championships, including last year's perfect 16-0 team.

Barris also noted recently that "the Black Dogs are still respected, but they are no longer feared." McMizzle would be the first to admit his injury-ridden 2009 squad is not the equal of the undefeated 2008 team. Maybe that's why he brought a new assistant coach on board for the playoffs, a genuine Mayan shaman named Don Carlos.

In announcing the hire, McMizzle said in a written statement, "Coach Don Carlos will be in charge of juju, and we need some major juju after losing three of our final four regular-season games."

The Don's hiring would appear to have already paid dividends. He was on the sideline last night when the Black Dogs grabbed a big lead over the 'Bubbas behind a 31-point performance by Dogs running back Maurice Jones-Drew.

Jones-Drew was seen huddling with Coach Don Carlos throughout the game, and drinking some clear liquid from a Mason jar. When asked what was in the Mason jar, McMizzle said the liquid was something called pox (pronounced posh with a long "o"), a corn elixer brought by the shaman from his native Guatemala.

According to a league official, pox is not a banned substance in the NFFA.

Mojo D: “The Mojo will win the division”

2009-12-12T08:33:00.000-06:00

Mojo D carries this photo of Tirik Obobber (a.k.a. Bob Hitler, c. 1988) in his briefcase for those times when he "must generate the fury of a thousand white-hot suns..."

Mojo D: “The Mojo will win the division”

By Soren Bernyn, FSN
After several weeks incommunicado, Midtown Mojo owner/coach/GM Mojo D sat down to discuss his team’s recent reversal of fortune – a three-game win streak at a point in the season when it appeared meaningless – his enduring contempt for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs, and the Midtown Mojo’s improbable run at the 2009 NFFA Championship.

Asked if he was disappointed with his team this year, he replied “Hell no! I am psyched! We’re in a position to win the Linardo division!! Nothing would please me more than to sweep the Sea Hogs, make them my bitch for this season, and end up with a 5-1 record in the division. After we win our division this week, the playoff push begins and it couldn’t come at a better time for the Mojo.”

Wait a minute: the playoffs? “Sure – the team is ready – performing at their highest level all season.” Reminded that his team’s record would be 6-8 with a win this week, he threw his head back and laughed silently. Then added, “OK – stay with me, boy, while I connect the dots for you. With a 5-1 record in the Linardo Division, the Mojo are the best team in the division. The rules state:

'Four teams qualify for the championship playoffs: the two division champions and two wild-card teams...'

"There is no specific description of how a team becomes division champion, and we contend that it’s the team with the best record among division opponents. Our legal team has prepared a case that we will present to the league office, based on the Week 14 outcome."

Unprompted, Mojo D launched into a rant about the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs and their “criminally insane” owner, Tirik Obobber, whom Mojo D refers to only as “Bob Hitler,” one of Obobber’s many past identities – this one as leader of a white-power group in the western US (photo above).

“Anybody who refutes that is just chicken-sh*t because they don’t want to face a streaking Mojo in the playoffs – yes, I’m talking to the FISH! It’s exactly the kind of thing that will get Bob Hitler’s panties in a wad. People underestimate exactly how dangerous he is – mostly to himself, but dangerous nonetheless. At least Fidalgo Island is out there – literally and figuratively – on the fringe of the country, so the collateral damage is reduced."

Undeterred, an unusually lucid Mojo D continued, “My problem is a guy who takes himself too seriously. You can’t really have fun that way, and it brings the whole league down. I’ve been getting calls of support from other owners all week -- starting with the ghost of Biggs -- telling me to f*ck him up.”

The return of Biggs’ ghost has influenced a number of teams’ victories, most notably the Mojo’s. “Actually, Biggs’ ghost just said ‘Go the distance’ – I thought ‘what the hell? Am I freakin’ Kevin Costner now?’ The really strange part is that Mojo Jojo keeps getting these voice-mails, but doesn’t own a phone.”

SUBDUED, TENSE BACCHANAL GOES ON WITHOUT BIGGS, HAMILTON Ominous signs, but fears of violence unrealized

2009-12-11T10:30:00.005-06:00

George Clinton and the P-Funk All-Stars tore the roof off
the sucka at the fifth annual Bacchanal to the Future.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

The largest Bacchanal crowd ever turned out last week for the most subdued Bacchanal To The Future in the five-year history of the event.

In the wake of the sudden and gruesome death of Bacchanal cofounder Boyd X. Biggs — and with police investigators viewing the other cofounder, QCurl Sharif, as a suspect — festival organizers almost decided to pull the plug on the annual gala. But a cell phone call from the ghost of Biggs to Bakers’ PR Maven Faith Popcorn, in which Biggs allegedly expressed his wish for the Bacchanal to continue, enabled the show to go on, albeit in a scaled-down, one-day form.

Ticket sales exceeded 250,000 for the event, but police estimated the crowd in Centennial Park at nearly 300,000. Absent was the traditional “birth of Venus” ceremony that kicked off the Bacchanal in years past. Missing, too, were the chariot races in the Nashvegas Hippodrome that the Bakers and Beelzebubbas jointly built and donated to the city. Missing, too, was Haven Hamilton, who emceed every Bacchanal since the event began in 2004. Hamilton died earlier this year. Festival organizers billed this year’s gathering as a tribute to both Hamilton and Biggs, whom 'Bubbas’ PR Director Chuck Barris described as “martyrs for peace.”

In a money-saving move, Nashvegas mayor Karl Dean announced that the city’s annual Christmas parade would be combined with the Bacchanal. As the parade ended at Centennial Park, Grand Marshal Charlie Rotier, dressed as Santa, walked to the Parthenon steps and launched the Bacchanal, as Hamilton always had done, by leading the crowd in the Pledge of Allegiance. Then, strapping on a waiting Jet-Pack, Rotier rocketed across the park to his review stand on the roof of the Athlon Building.

In tribute to Biggs, a lone bagpiper played “House of the Rising Sun” to begin the show. Then Al “Buck Dharma” Roeser — a Bakers’ season ticket holder — led a reunited Blue Oyster Cult in an hour-long jam version of “Don’t Fear the Reaper.”

In one of the highlights of the afternoon, Beelzebubbas’ Community Relations Director Anton Chigur joined Ray Manzarek and the Doors as they performed the songs from the band’s “L.A. Woman” LP in sequence. Chigur, who provided lead vocals, told the crowd that “Break on Through” was Biggs’ favorite song, and that the late 'Bubbas’ owner and Dr. Jorgé Linardo loved to sing it together as they cruised the streets of Nashvegas in Linardo’s blood-red Lincoln Navigator.

Dave the Animal joined the Doors for “The Crystal Ship,” apparently as part of a promotion for his Methlon organization. During the performance of the song, a replica of a sailing ship made of translucent fiberglass and bearing the Methlon logo appeared on Lake Watauga. Crew members used large slingshots to hurl goodie bags from the Animal’s Crystal and Cracky D’s restaurants into the receptive crowd.

The set concluded as a large video screen played sometimes violent images from Biggs’ Waziristan safari during “The End” — a song that Chigur said had changed his life for good when he first heard it at age seven.

In a surprise move, Amy Winehouse, aka QGurl Sharis, next took the stage and performed an acoustic version of John Lennon’s “Woman Is the Nigger of the World.” Then she launched into “Imagine,” changing the lyrics twice to sing “Imagine there’s no 'Bubbas” and “Imagine there’s no Snoop Dogg” — drawing prolonged boos on both occasions.

The mood nearly turned violent when Peter Gabriel performed his “Shock the Monkey” — an allusion perhaps to Mojo Jojo or to Nefarious George, a chimpanzee associated with several members of the Bakers’ organization. “Kill the monkeys!” the crowd began chanting as the song ended, before Chigur finally took the microphone and calmed them down by saying, “Patience, friends, there’s a time and place for everything.” Sharif, for his part, did not follow his usual custom of appearing onstage, but watched the show from the VIP box with Rotier atop the Athlon Building. Security was said to be heavy.

The concert reached another flashpoint during the three-song set of Memphis-based Dr. Krunkenstein, who had been linked last year with an alleged assassination attempt on Commissioner William D. Money. After performing a brand new song, titled “Q-cifixion,” frontman Vernon “Krunkalicious” Weathers held up a photo of Sharif, tore it in half and shouted, “Fight the real power!” Then he produced a 9mm pistol that had been concealed under his shirt and pointed it in the general direction of the Athlon Building. Security guards quickly swarmed the stage and surrounded Weathers. Barris later explained that the band’s gesture was simply a “publicity stunt” to promote their new CD, Q-Capper. Said Barris: “It’s all good.”

Throughout the afternoon, there were other ominous signs of continuing tension, including one that read: “Biggs’ Jesus Kicks Shiva’s Monkey Ass” and “Nuke Midtown.”

Afterward, the ghost of Biggs issued an official statement via Twitter announcing he wished for peace and that “I know in my dead, gray, decaying heart that my friend QCurl could never have done the Janus-faced things that all those reliable sources all say he did.”

Near the end of the abbreviated concert, Bacchanal regular and Biggs confidante George Clinton announced that he would conduct a “funk funeral” for Biggs and Hamilton. He and the P-Funk All-Stars launched into “Give Up the Funk (Tear the Roof Off the Sucka)” as they led many of the assembled crowd out of the park and down Natchez Trace toward the site of the burned-out Jojo-a-Go-Go, where Biggs met his death.

When they reached the site in Hillsboro Village, still marked off by yellow police tape, they were startled to see Bubbas’ season ticket holder John Doe (who took the name for his former band from Biggs’ middle initial) atop the adjoining Belmont Methodist Church. After performing his sentimental “Just a Little More Time,” Doe was joined by Fergie for an acoustic version of the Troggs’ “Love Is All Around,” which Sharif himself had once performed at the wedding of his friend Furious George. Witnesses reported that Sharif sobbed uncontrollably upon hearing the song and had to be sedated with four Touchdown Tazers™ and three Demerol chasers. On the dark, overcast afternoon, many in the crowd held up lighters and cellphones and sang along as Doe and Fergie performed “Will the Circle Be Unbroken?” — the traditional close for the Bacchanal.

“All things considered, it was pretty amazing,” said Popcorn afterward. “We didn’t have Biggs, who traditionally did all the heavy lifting on the logistics. We didn’t have Haven, who provided the glue (literally). And QCurl, who is the spiritual force behind all this, was mostly AWOL for obvious reasons. It was worse than we hoped but better than we expected. We just give thanks to Shiva.”

BAKERS WIN!

2009-12-07T22:47:00.002-06:00

Bakers' fans let their team know they were behind them -- literally -- during this weekend's divisional clash with the Black Dogs. A weeping and dehydrated 12th Ave. coach Snoop Dogg was hospitalized after the win.

By FAITH POPCORN
Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE-- The NFFA wild-card race became even more dramatic after the 12th Ave. Bakers' defeat of the Jorge Division-leading East Nashville Black Dogs last night, setting up perhaps the wildest season finales in league history next week.

Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg collapsed immediately following the game and was taken later to a local hospital and treated for dehydration. He claimed to have been frightened all weekend by QCurl Sharif's claims of having been visited by the ghost of former Beelzebubba's coach and GM, Boyd X. Biggs.

"This shit has got to stop," said Dogg as he was being evaluated by trainers in the giddy locker room. "Shiva is always dropping some heavy scene on us every week ...my man QCurl has been accused of all kinds of atrocities, and yet we keep our dobber up and fight like hell every game.

"It's a tribute to the organization and to the Baker Nation. We'd especially like to thank our motivational coach Purple Owlsley this week for the air drop over the stadium ... I think the fans were trippin so hard by the fourth quarter that it intimidated Ray Rice."

Sharif was less circumspect following the victory.

"It wasn't Biggs; it wasn't Shiva; and it wasn't the acid," he said while riding the back of a yellow dragon south on 12th Ave., headed to a post-game party at the rollicking Cherry Bomb Cafe´. "It's just the fact that we dug our heels in and beat that ass."

Sharif was met by a pulsating mob thereafter and was last seen being led in a shimmering gold robe to mount a jewel-encrusted Egyptian barge. Some reports claimed he was embraced there by a high priest bearing a striking resemblance to the late Baker great, Steve McNair.

Another of Tirik's Tirades

2009-11-27T13:16:00.002-06:00

The Problem with JoJo

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

As poorly qualified as I am to institute change, I hope you will bear with me while I begin this sincere and earnest attempt. And please don't get mad with me if, in doing so, I must contribute to the intellectual and spiritual health of the body politic.

Let me preface my discussion by quickly reasserting a familiar theme of my previous blogs and postings: If JoJo the Monkey bites me I will bite back. I have never read anything he has written that I would consider wise, logical, pertinent, reasonable, or scientific.

JoJo's statement that he can scare us by using big words like "orangatangulation" and "chimpanzeefication" is no exception. What's more, he sometimes uses the word "anti-anthropomorphism" when describing his projects. Beware! This is a buzzword designed for emotional response.

So, sorry for being so long-winded in this blog, but JoJo's assertion that his philosophies are based on the theory of evolution serves only to illustrate his ignorance and poorly hidden bigotry.

That's all for now. Pax vobiscum.

Another of Tirik's Tirades

2009-11-26T13:44:00.004-06:00

- - My complaint with MOJO D

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

I am writing on behalf of myself and a few of my friends to state that Mojo D's philippics are the direct result of a policy of abandonment and neglect.

Before I start, however, I should state that to understand what Mojo's particularly self-indulgent form of snobbism has encompassed as a movement and as a system of rule, we have to look at its historical context and development as a form of insecure politics that first arose in early twentieth-century Europe in response to rapid social upheaval, the devastation of World War I, and the Bolshevik Revolution.

Admittedly, I feel that there is more wisdom to be found in three of Aesop's fables than in the sum total of everything that Mojo has ever written. But that's because some of my acquaintances express the view that Mojo's tirades do not pass muster by any objective standards. Others express the view that Mojo loves everybody so much, he wants to rip out the guts of everybody who doesn't love everybody as much as he does. I am prepared to offer a cheer and a half for each view; together, they paint a sufficiently complete picture of Mojo to warrant a full three cheers.

In a nutshell, Mojo D wouldn't be able to lead an active disinformation campaign if he were working on a level playing field.

Happy Thanksgiving!

Another of TIRIK'S TIRADES

2009-11-24T11:12:00.002-06:00

Jizzle McMizzle - Where to start???

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

Allow me the honor of giving you a brief lesson in Jizzle McMizzle's many sinful attributes. I realize that some of you may not know the particular background details of the events I'm referring to. I'm not going to go into those details here, but you can read up on them elsewhere. Bestial, dirty hooligans are sharply focused on an immediate goal: to prime the pump of mandarinism. My message is clear: It's impulsive for Jizzle to cause riots in the streets. Or perhaps I should say, it's quixotic.

It is deeply unfortunate that Jizzle has a certain fondness for hedonism-prone scaramouches, because Jizzle's abhorrent imprecations can be quite educational. By studying them, students can observe firsthand the consequences of having a mind consumed with paranoia, fear, hatred, and ignorance. If the past is any indication of the future, he will once again attempt to ruin my entire day. I've left out many criticisms of Jizzle McMizzle from this wailing wall of a blog. Nevertheless, I maintain that it's a start—a philosophical space where we can plant a new flag symbolizing all that is wrong with Jizzle.

Another of TIRIK'S TIRADES

2009-11-23T19:24:00.002-06:00

By Tirik Obobber
Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs

There are a number of frightening facts about the NFFA that I absolutely must make public. But before I do I need to go into a fair about of detail explaining how the NFFA likes to launch into nonsensical non sequiturs. Hang in there; this explanation won't take long.

Let's review the errors in the NFFA's statements in order. First, the NFFA makes it its job to force people to act in ways far removed from the natural patterns of human behavior. What a joyful affair it would be for the NFFA if it managed to get away with turning masters of deceit loose against us good citizens. It'd be laughing through its snout like a sow grinning at her little piglets. It'd be chortling at everyone's obliviousness to the fact that one of its most diabolic compeers is the point man in a process of creeping fascistization of our society. And here, I suspect, lies a clue to the intellectual vacuum so gapingly apparent in its strictures.

In closing, please remember that my ultimate goal is to create and nurture a true spirit of community. If I advance, follow me. If I stop, urge me on. If I retreat, kill me.

QGIRL SHARIS GOES PUBLIC; URGES PEACE IN THE STREETS

2009-11-06T16:43:00.004-06:00

Sharis has been at the heart of many of the Bakers' front office decisions.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Director

NASHVEGAS — Following recent days of speculation, troubled singer Amy Winehouse revealed to the press that she is indeed QGirl "Sharis" Sharif, sister of 12th Ave. owner QCurl Sharif.

Sharis made the surprise admission this afternoon at a press conference at the Cherry Bomb Cafe, with her brother at her side. She used the forum to call for peace in the streets that have seen fighting following the bombing of the Jo-Jo-A-GoGo. Midtown Mojo fans have been attempting to destroy the Cherry Bomb in a misguided fit of retaliation.

"As surely as I can stop smoking crack and meth, the Mojo fans can stop attacking innocent people and structures," Sharis said. "Our organization had nothing to do with it, though I understand many of our fans applauded the incident. I think there are residual hard-feelings about the way another monkey appeared on the landscape when Baker fans felt it was a proprietary mascot.

"Still, our organization deplores the current situation and calls for peace."

Following her statement, her brother draped a shroud on her from behind and led her to the bar. For his part, QCurl has seemed shaken by the death of former Beelzebubbas' owner and coach, Boyd X. Biggs, and has kept a low profile after his bid to host a wake for Biggs was rebuffed.

The Bakers stand at 5-3 following last weekend's hard-fought win over the Mojo, and look to improve their record this week against the anemic Alamo Scouts. A 6-3 record would put them solidly in the race for a playoff spot.

"I'm afraid this whole Jo-Jo-A-GoGo thing has distracted us a bit," Bakers head coach Snoop Dogg said after the press conference. "We can't overlook anyone, given our history. And, I, personally, would like to extend the olive branch to Dave the Animal as well. For a divisional brother to feel so hurt that he would side with an outsider ... well, he must really be hurtin'.

"I'm inviting him to hang with me and QCurl in the Treehouse where we can reminisce and apply salve to those wounds. I would also invite the public to join us to witness the applying of the salve. Tickets will be made available at a reasonable price."

Team officials have set the tickets at $200. They may be purchased exclusively online at www.bakersonline.com.

MIDTOWN MOJO MANIAC MARAUDING 12 SOUTH

2009-11-03T20:01:00.007-06:00

Metro police try to restore order in the DMZ between Belmont Blvd. and 12th Avenue South.

By Soren Bernyn
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — In the wake of the fiery destruction of the Jojo-A-Go-Go last week, citizens of Midtown are rampaging through the streets between Midtown and 12th Avenue South, home of the Bakers. Stoked by the assertions of Mojo D that the Bakers and GM QCurl Sharif are responsible for the conflagration and ensuing death of Beelzebubbas' Coach/GM Boyd X. Biggs, the Midtown faithful are driving steadily toward Grey Goose stadium, where they hope to corner Sharif and bring him to justice. Midtown GM Mojo D issued a "fatwa" on Sharif, despite the fact he is neither an ayatollah nor a Muslim.

Metro police chief Ronal Serpas has declared a DMZ between Belmont Blvd. and 12 South, but the authorities have been unsuccessful in trying to quell the violence between Mojo and Baker fans. Bakers super-fan Bill Cheatham was defending the Baker perimeter and was unavailable for comment. Stay tuned to FSN for more on this breaking story and developing news on the last tragic days of Boyd X. Biggs.

BIGGS’ DEATH CONFIRMED Business as usual at Beelzebubbas HQ; police investigating Bakers

2009-11-02T12:03:00.010-06:00

Boyd X. Biggs, ? - 2009. (AWP FILE PHOTO)

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — The Beelzebubbas organization seemed remarkably unaffected and even upbeat this morning following the explosion and fire at the Jo-Jo-A-Go-Go that apparently killed team owner Boyd X. Biggs.

Police confirmed late Sunday that one body, identified as Biggs, was found in the smoldering ruin of the Midtown nightspot, which is owned by NFFA founder Jorgé Linardo. The identification was based on dental records. Nashvegas police forensics experts said the body, like Biggs, had no natural teeth but a full set of permanent dentures.

At a brief news conference Monday, Beelzebubbas’ Director of Community Relations Anton Chigur said that Biggs had gone to the Jo-Jo-A-Go-Go to demand that the Midtown Mojo stop treating the club as their own, and that they reimburse Dr. Linardo for damage caused by their fans after the Mojo’s first victory of the season two weeks ago.

Chigur also dropped a bombshell on the assembled media. Biggs, he said, had been fired as team coach early Friday afternoon. An announcement had been planned for Saturday, but was postponed after Biggs’ death.

How, one reporter asked, could Biggs have been fired, since he was also owner of the team? Who fired him? “I can’t say,” Chigur replied. “All I know is that he was fired on Friday. That is,” he added with his mouth slightly upturned, “before he apparently got fired the second time.”

No replacement for Biggs has been named. Injured running back Leon Washington handled the coaching duties for Sunday’s game.

Chigur announced that both the team’s offices and Club Gitmo, its unofficial headquarters, would remain open as usual for business. He also said that no memorial service for Biggs had been planned at this point, “although I understand there will be a celebration at the Cherry Bomb Café” — an apparent reference to allegations by the Mojo that the 12th Avenue Bakers were behind the nightclub bombing.

Among Bubbas’ fans, there appeared to be no mourning either. Before Sunday’s game at Colt 45 Field at Colt 45 Stadium, the PA announcer’s request for fans to observe a moment of silence in Biggs’ honor was met by a resounding chorus of boos.

“That’s how he would have wanted it,” said 'Bubbas’ Offensive Coordinator Li’l Wayne. “He didn’t get to where he got by respecting people just because they wuz dead. He believed that when someone died, it just created opportunities, and Biggs believed in creating lots of opportunities, if you know what I’m saying. So, actually, the fans were showing their respect for Biggy by booing that moment of silence bull[expletive].”

Detectives are investigating the possible role of the Bakers in the bombing, said a spokesperson for the Nashvegas police department. A number of people in the team's organization are persons of interest in the investigation, including owner QCurl Sharif and head coach Snoop Dogg.

BREAKING NEWS: EXPLOSION, FIRE DESTROY JOJO-A-GO-GO

2009-10-30T08:51:00.014-05:00

An explosion today at the Jojo-A-Go-Go resulted
in a devastating fire. (Inage courtesy of CNN)

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

NASHVEGAS — Late this afternoon, the midtown area was rocked by an explosion and fire at the trendy nightspot, Jojo-A-Go-Go. Nashvegas firefighters were still battling the blaze as of this writing, but the club is likely to be completely destroyed, according to a fire department spokesperson.

Details are still coming in, but here is what is known at this time:

Late this afternoon, after chief bartender Dexter Lowe opened the venue and began setting up for the evening, he was soon joined by Midtown Mojo mascot Mojo Jojo and Boyd X. Biggs, owner-coach of the West Nashville Beelzebubbas.

According to Lowe, it wasn't long before a violent argument broke out between the two. Biggs produced a baseball bat and was brutally beating the monkey when the bartender ran outside in hopes there was a policeman nearby. Just as he left the club, there was a loud explosion and the club burst into flames.

Lowe was thrown to the pavement by the blast, but miraculously, other than a few scrapes and bruises, he was uninjured. "After I gathered myself and realized I had no serious injuries, I tried to go back in the club for the monkey and Mr. Biggs, but the fire was too intense," said the bartender.

According to fire department spokesperson, Barry Heaton, there has been no sign of either Jojo or Biggs.

In what so far appears to be strictly a coincidence, the re-formed White Snake was scheduled to appear at the Jojo-A-Go-Go this evening.

More on this breaking story as it develops.

BAKERS WIN UGLY, PARTY HARD, PRAY HARDER

2009-10-28T16:33:00.005-05:00

12th Avenue head coach Snoop Dogg has won more games than any in
Bakers' history. He credits a higher being for his success.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE — As the clock wound down in the 12th Ave. Bakers' narrow win over Cambridge this past Monday night, head coach Snoop Dogg could be seen shaking hands on the sidelines with each of his players. Tears were streaming down his face.

"This was big for us -- staying alive," he said in the locker room afterward. "We got a big old stinky scalp a couple of weeks ago with the Beelzebubbas, then lost a close one to the Black Dogs — a loss that still hurts. I owe an apology to the Baker Nation and to Drew Brees on that one.

"So, we were against the wall last Monday night with the Animals. In the past, this would have been a game the Bakers would have lost ... but now, there's something in the air around here. I knew Portis would chump it somehow. I called it...I told Money earlier that day that he'd get about 14 carries for 40 yards. He went 14 for 43. That's what Mr. TD used to call 'chump-ass shit.' Now we seem to be heading in the right direction again — even though I haven't been able to find any of the team for practice this week."

Dogg also noted that the shaking of hands on the sidelines was more than a mere show of respect and gratitude — it was the actual passing of 'special Baker artifacts.' These artifacts are given out in lieu of game balls according to the Bakers front office.

"I want my guys to feel the love," said Dogg. "We haven't been scoring lately but we still win ugly. It's a ju-ju thing. Teams don't want to play us because they know we love each other. You can feel the shine when we come out onto the field. I expect them to win — and they are addicted to these artifacts. Then I want them to go home or come down to the Cherry Bomb and get it on, fo' shizzle. That love is part of the secret weapon...

"I talk to Shiva and higher spirits during the season and I receive blessings and an understanding of the cycles of this world. QCurl has joined me on occasion and — trust me — we have seen the glowing jewel. It turns and makes your skin warm. Amy, Michele and Obama are there. My fellow owners are there and I can see right through them."

When asked about the upcoming game with the Midtown Mojo — the hottest scoring team in the league — Snoop grinned. For a moment he seemed lost in time. The grin froze and his eyes rolled up into his head ...

"We know monkeys better than anyone," he said. "The feast begins now."

PORTIS GIMPY AS ANIMALS-BAKERS TILT WINDS DOWN

2009-10-26T14:28:00.004-05:00

Cambridge RB Clinton Portis injured himself and left his girlfriend unconscious during this stunt.

By Faith Popcorn
Bakers PR Director

NASHVILLE-- BREAKING NEWS -- Reports from Cambridge are surfacing that Animals RB Clinton Portis has multiple strained groins, calf and ankle injuries following a morning stunt he and his longtime girlfriend performed for school children. He is questionable for tonight's action.

The stunt, which Portis refers to as the "Flying Nun," involved the running back as he would launch his girlfriend into the seats while lying on his back and using his legs for power. It is a stunt Portis had witnessed the owner perform himself with an actual nun at a stag party for the re-animated Fatty Arbuckle. His girlfriend is in critical condition after colliding with a service vehicle at Boston's Sisters of the Poor Elementary School.

A shaken and limping Portis was unavailable for comment following the accident. However, 12th Ave. owner QCurl Sharif expressed shock that Cambridge would allow their players to touch anyone on game days. The Bakers lead the Animals by a scant 5 points as they head into tonight's action.

"I know we keep our players sedate in custom sensory deprivation tanks prior to any game day action," Sharif said from his home today. "We pipe in a little motivational audio and oxygen mix that we think will be helpful, but we allow zero contact with others. These games in this division are huge ... no words to describe the importance of a win — and here I see how they roll in Cambridge. It's insulting when you think about it. I think the other owners would agree. But, all differences aside, I hope he doesn't get hurt any worse or have to leave the game early or anything like that."

NFFA INKS MOVIE DEAL Soderbergh to direct; big names line up for plum parts

2009-10-16T09:57:00.007-05:00

Conan O'Brien (QCurl Sharif) and Vern Troyer (Mr. TD) in a
publicity photo for the forthcoming movie about the NFFA.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Coming in 2011 to a theater near you — NFFA: The Movie.

In a shocking blockbuster deal announced Thursday in a press conference at the Jorgé Linardo-owned nightclub, the Jojo-A-Go-Go, Bob and Harvey Weinstein of Miramax Studios announced they had signed an agreement with the NFFA founder to produce a feature-length film on the league. Financial terms of the deal were not disclosed.

The as yet untitled film is tentatively slated for release in December 2011 — just in time, noted Harvey Weinstein, for Oscar consideration. Steven Soderbergh will direct. Shooting will begin in May on location in Nashvegas. “We don’t have a script yet,” said Weinstein, “but we have a helluva story. It will practically write itself. We have an amazing director and an all-star cast that would make DeMille break out in hives.”

The movie will star:

Tom Skerritt as Jorgé Linardo
Conan O'Brien as QCurl Sharif (David Straithairn reportedly turned down the role)
Samuel L. Jackson as The Animal
Anthony Hopkins as Tirik Obobber
Joaquin Phoenix as Lex Dominica
Boyd X. Biggs as himself
Matt Damon as Thurman Murrman
LL Cool J as Mojo D
The Voice of James Earl Jones as Commissioner William D. Money

Also starring:

Cloris Leachman as Meemaw Murrman
James Gandolfini as Tony Soprano
Hallie Berry as The Pompatus of Love
Mary Kate Olsen as Mo Money
Ashley Olsen as Cash Money
Rip Torn as Buddy Ryan
Owen Wilson as Faith Popcorn
Gina Gershon as Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Vern Troyer as Mr. TD and Furious George
Robert Downey Jr. as Jizzle McMizzle
Omar Sharif as Shiva
John Goodman as Satan

And featuring:

Woody Harrelson as Devlin Redd
Li’l Wayne as Snoop Dogg
Darrell Hammond as Larry Woody
Julia Roberts as Amy Winehouse
Burt Reynolds as Saddam
Pam Grier as Foxy Brown
Marcello Mastrioni as Giorgio Cardinal Leonardo
Carlos Mencia as Manuel “Short Eyes” Linardo
Danny Glover as George Clinton
Dana Carvey as Haven Hamilton
Danny DeVito as Kim Jong Il
Larry Bud Melman as Joe Biddle
Vince Vaughn as Vince Lombardi
Tom Cruise as Tom Brady
M. Emmett Walsh as Stumpy Legg
Jeff Goldblum as Osama bin Laden
Antonio Banderas as Young Jorgé
John Malkovich as the Hager Twins
Duane “The Rock” Johnson as Steve McNair
Ben Stiller as Joe Namath
Tina Fey as Jenna Bush
Zulu as Kono
Peter O’Toole as General George Washington Leonard
Chuck Barris as Mojo Jojo

Weinstein acknowledged that it was unusual to release the cast before a script had even been developed. “But when they heard this movie was happening,” he said, “the phones started ringing off the hook. If you think the roster is impressive, you should have seen the talent we had to turn down. How do you tell Dame Judy Dench we just don’t have a spot for her? Fortunately, the whole cast agreed to work for scale, so we could keep the production budget under $100 million.”

RYAN CALLS SHARIF A 'GRAVE ROBBER'

2009-10-14T17:43:00.012-05:00

QCurl Sharif: World leader or grave robber? Buddy Ryan (inset) thinks the latter.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Maybe East Nashville GM Buddy Ryan got up on the wrong side of the bed. Or maybe he was hungover. Whatever the reason, at his weekly press breakfast yesterday morning, Ryan went nuclear on QCurl Sharif and his 12th Avenue Bakers team.

"Am I the only [expletive] person who remembers that the so-called QCurl Sharif, media darling and would-[expletive]-be world leader, used to be G.Q. Denney, a worthless drug addict, mad scientist, and presumed grave robber," Ryan asked the blurry-eyed members of the media gathered at the East Nashville Shoney's across from the Dog House. "G.Q. robbed mother[expletive] graves! Are you following me here, people?" It has long been rumored that Sharif has a zombie corral in Howenwald, Tenn., where he reanimates the dead — usually deceased celebrities.

"And his teams used to set the [expletive] standard for futility in this league," Ryan continued. "He couldn't buy a [expletive] win, and believe me, he tried."

When asked why he going off on Sharif at this particular time, Ryan said, "If I had to give you all the reasons QCurl Sharif makes me puke, this press breakfast would run into the dinner hour."

When one member of the media asked if Ryan was just trying to get inside Sharif's head in advance of this weekend's game with the Bakers, he shuddered visibly at the thought, then said, "Jesus [expletive] Christ, now that would truly be a scary, [expletive] place to be."

For the remainder of the press event, the Black Dogs exec repeatedly referred to Sharif as "G.Q.," as if he might conjure up the losing spirit of the old Q.

Following the breakfast, this reporter was reminded that the bad blood between Ryan and Sharif dated back to the night of the Black Dogs first championship in 2005, when both men were arrested for streaking down Woodland Street. The GM claimed to have been drugged.

When asked for comment regarding Ryan's remarks, Bakers media maven Faith Popcorn said, "We're not concerned with the ravings of a convicted pedophile."

It should be noted that Ryan was not actually convicted of pedophilia, only arrested as a suspect.

ANIMALS TEST-LAUNCH Q-2 League warned of ‘awesome awesomeness’; panic ensues in NashVegas

2009-10-13T17:27:00.005-05:00

Copy of the Animals lineup card showing two starting quarterbacks.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — In a development that threatens to shake the NFFA to its core, the Cambridge Animals have apparently made good on the promise of owner Dave the Animal to initiate his new two-quarterback, “Q-2” lineup for week six.

Early Tuesday, the NFFA commissioner’s office received from the Animals front office a routine email that is automatically generated whenever a team submits or changes its lineup. League personnel quickly noted something unique about this particular email: It listed two quarterbacks, Jay Cutler and Matt Shaub, in the starting lineup. NFFA rules permit only one quarterback in the lineup, and proprietary software blocks users from inserting another quarterback as a utility player.

“[The email] raised a red flag right away,” said one low-level NFFA staffer, who spoke on condition of anonymity. “The Animals never submit a lineup until Sunday morning — if then. That’s what made us take a closer look, and then we noticed the two quarterbacks.”

Because quarterbacks typically are the highest scoring players in a team’s lineup each week, the ability to add a second quarterback would provide an enormous advantage.

According to a time-stamp on the e-mail, within minutes of its arrival at the NFFA Tower, FSN received a statement from the Animals’ organization. It read in part: “This morning, we have successfully test-launched our revolutionary new Q-2 System that will guarantee a championship for the Animals in 2009. We will go live with the full system on Sunday morning, resulting in nuclear annihilation of the Beelzebubbas. There is nothing that the pathetic worms of the NFFA can do except stand in awe of The Animals’ awesome awesomeness.”

The news of the apparently successful test-launch was greeted with a mix of fear, loathing and skepticism around the league. Oddsmakers at the sports books in the Cherry Bomb Café and Club Gitmo refused to accept bets on the Animals-Bubbas game. In 12 South, panic-stricken crowds took to the streets, where many Baker Nation fans were seen weeping openly as others began praying to Shiva.

Black Dogs’ GM Buddy Ryan turned ashen-faced, then purple with rage, after hearing the news from a reporter, and could be heard over a phone line shouting, “Somebody look up the number for the [expletive] Geek Squad in the phone book and get the mother[expletive]s over here to check this [expletive] [expletive] out!”

Reached by phone in his secure bunker, Commissioner William D. Money said, “I am shocked. I didn’t even know we used software. My assistants told me we were using some guys in India who compiled all the data for $2 an hour to help us keep costs down for the owners.”

At the Beelzebubbas’ offices, coach Boyd X. Biggs sounded more doubtful. “Smells like a bunch of bull-mess to me,” Biggs said. “You meth-heads must be consuming so much of the Animals’ product that you’d believe anything.”

Media reaction was more sensational. “Animals Rock NFFA’s World” ran the headline crawl on FOX News. “DTA Cements Genius Reputation,” read a headline in the Boston Globe, referring to Dave the Animal as an acronym. “Q-2? Unmoeglich!” blared the header on the website of Germany’s Frankfurter Zeitung.

League officials have been frantically, but unsuccessfully thus far, attempting to find a way to prevent the Animals from inserting a second QB into a lineup on Sunday. Nor, said the inside source, have they had any luck determining how the Animals may have hacked into the league’s software. “We’re just in rumbling-fumbling-stumbling mode, right now,” said the software engineer. “We may be dealing with a superior technology.”

FSN will have more details on this story as they become available.

NFFA NOTES & NOTABLES Mojo D on ‘protective watch’ despite magazine’s rosy predictions

2009-10-10T11:16:00.009-05:00

Methlon's NFFA Preview picks the 12th Avenue Bakers to win it all.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

NASHVEGAS — Methlon's 2009 NFFA Preview — the first team-by-team look at the Nashvegas Fantasy Football League — hit the stands Friday just in time for week five of the season.

Publishers of the slick, 188-page magazine, produced by the Cambridge-based M.I.T. Enterprises, acknowledged that “distribution problems” caused the inaugural edition of the magazine to be later than expected. “We have a great distribution system,” said Daniel David, Chief Operating Officer. “But we had some heavier than anticipated orders for other products we distribute.

“Like the Animal jokes, it was a snamu — situation normal, all methed up. But we’ll get this fixed.”

Methlon’s NFFA Preview predicts that the Midtown Mojo will meet the 12th Avenue Bakers in the league’s championship game, with QCurl Sharif’s franchise capturing its first NFFA crown. The magazine also projected that the Alamo Scouts would defeat the Atlanta Smack Daddies for third place.

MOJO D PLACED ON 'PROTECTIVE WATCH'

With the Mojo mired in an 0-4 season-starting slump, outgoing Commissioner William D. Money has ordered that team owner Mojo D be placed on what Money called a “preemptive" suicide watch.

"We care about the safety of all our team owners — or at least nearly all,” said Money who is to step down on October 31. The Mojo’s team plane, which Mojo D admits using to “dump players from the roster,” has been grounded by Money until October 18.

The commissioner expressed particular concern because the Mojo’s opponent this weekend, the Alamo Scouts, had set a lineup and appear to be making an effort to win. “It looks challenging for the Mojo,” Money said. “I guess the good news is that one of these two teams is going to get its first win, like it or not.”

GINN MISSING, ON UNABLE TO PERFORM LIST

Beelzebubbas’ WR/KR Ted Ginn Jr. has not been seen at team practices since Tuesday, when he showed up for a reunion party held for members of the undefeated 2008 Black Dogs’ squad, to mark the end of the 'Bubbas’ bid for a perfect season, the last team without a loss. Two witnesses told this reporter they last saw Ginn on an elevator going down at the Bubbas’ Club Gitmo complex.

Team spokesman Chuck Barris said he did not know Ginn’s whereabouts and denied suggestions that team founder Jorgé Linardo was angered by Ginn’s attendance at a party celebrating his own team’s defeat. “I think it was bad form,” said Barris, “but we all have to deal with disappointment in our own way.” Ginn was placed on the team’s Unable to Perform list on Friday morning, but Barris declined to elaborate. Barris also denied rumors that quarterback Eli Manning had been waterboarded to distract him from the pain of his plantar fasciatis and help him get ready to start on Sunday.

CHERRY BOMB SET TO REOPEN Coincides with Bakers-Bubbas clash and Bacchanal preview party

2009-10-10T09:50:00.004-05:00

Libyan security forces patrol Quaddafi's Bedouin tent in Sevier Park.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

12 SOUTH — Just in time for the season’s first meeting between the Bakers and Beelzebubbas, the hallowed Cherry Bomb Café will reopen its doors this Friday — and host what organizers have dubbed as a “Bacchanal Preview Party.”

The guest list for the fund-raising event — proceeds help defray costs for the rebuilding of the club — is a closely held secret. However, rumors swirled this week that among the attendees will be First Lady Michelle Obama, who previously had been a guest of Bakers’ owner QCurl Sharif for a draft night party in late August.

Other rumored invitees include longtime Bakers’ ticket holders Jack and Frank May, Nashvegas Mayor Karl Dean, David Letterman, Libyan leader Muammar Qaddafi, Adam Dread, Keith Urban, Nicole Kidman, Congressman Steve Cohen, Joe Namath, the Duchess of Kent, Tom Arnold, Marsha Blackburn and Tony Dorsett. Dorsett is said to be negotiating with the Bakers to become the team’s new Mr. TD mascot in return for dropping a copyright infringement lawsuit against the team.

Some residents of Baker Nation complained that the private party was “undemocratic” and “against all the best Baker traditions,” in the words of superfan Bill Cheatham. Cheatham’s threat to lead a mass demonstration led Bakers’ PR maven Faith Popcorn to issue a statement: “No NFFA team has had a more intimate relationship with its fans, and I mean that in the most intimate sense of the word, than the Bakers and the Baker Nation. The Cherry Bomb is the people’s house. We simply ask for our fans to understand that we wouldn’t have been able to bring back the people’s house without the financial contributions of our VHPs — Very Helpful People.

“That being said — Mr. Cheatham is hereby invited — plus one.”

Along with its much beloved long bar and sports book, the reopened Cherry Bomb will include several new features, including a new wing of the Baker Museum dedicated to former QB Steve McNair and a Turkish bath area open to Black Card members. It was in the old Turkish bath area that McNair would recover and recharge, and the new one dutifully presents his bust as you enter.

The café celebrates the return of long-time chief mixologist Devlin Redd with two new drinks to complement its proprietary Touchdown Taser™. One, which Redd is said to have concocted for an Amy Winehouse-hosted birthday bash for Sharif, is known as the Mazel Tov Cocktail — a potent mix of Grey Goose with a skim layer of kerosene on top, which is ignited and served flaming. “Adam [Sandler] calls it the Lake Erie, but it doesn’t sound as festive, and besides, the flaming part is only temporary until the kerosene burns off,” says Redd.

The second new signature drink, which will be available only following Bakers’ wins, is known as the Seventh Seal. “It’s a little like a 7 & 7,” explained Redd, “but with some secret ingredients for extra kick. I can say the words absinthe and ether.

"Let’s just say it’s a revelation, and ‘revelation’ is not a word we use lightly around here.”

Sharif will personally cut the ribbon for the new facility after team officials discovered his whereabouts on Monday. Sharif had last been seen passed out in the party tent of Qaddafi outside New York City, where the Bakers’ owner had addressed the United Nations General Assembly. Somehow, as the Libyan leader’s camp was packed, Sharif apparently was flown to Tripoli, where he was informed of his team’s two consecutive losses as a traditional “sheep’s eyeball feast” was held in his honor. Sharif and Qaddafi arrived by private jet on Tuesday night, and the latter’s Bedouin tent was erected in Sevier Park.

In a rare public appearance, league founder and Beelzebubbas’ Chairman Dr. Jorgé Linardo will attend the grand opening along with his fianceé, actress January Jones. Beelzebubbas’ coach Boyd X. Biggs will lead the invocation, followed by a moment of silence for longtime Bacchanal emcee, Haven Hamilton, who died in September. “It won’t be the same without Haven,” Biggs said, “but death goes on.”

Mojo Jojo Returns to Midtown!

2009-10-09T16:53:00.003-05:00

"The original inspiration for the Midtown Mojo is back" -- simian super-villain Mojo Jojo

Mojo Jojo Returns to Midtown!

By Soren Bernyn, FSN

Nearly two years since he left the Midtown NFFA franchise that bears his name, the simian super-villain Mojo Jojo has returned as the team's "heart and soul," according to Mojo D.

At the team's latest media availability at the newly remodeled Jojo-A-Go-Go, an abnormally jubilant Mojo D welcomed back Jojo: "Jojo was the original inspiration for this team, and Miss Lee-Yhn suggested -- nay, demanded -- his return. She pointed out to me: our record has been 3-15 since we sent Jojo away - coincidence?" Watch highlights from Mojo D's media availability below:

A few tidbits you won't find in the video:
The Mojo resurrected a team tradition by throwing Darren McFadden out of the team plane for scoring zero points. "We broke with tradition at Jojo's request however," Mojo D said. "We used to throw a parachute out after the player, this week we threw out Allen Rossum who also scored a goose egg. That's 4 out the door this season. "

This week's match-up of the two winless NFFA franchises could be a turning point for either one. The Scouts scored a historic low-point total in Week 4, and the Mojo could muster only 86 points. "There are times it looks like a slow-motion trainwreck," the Midtown owner/coach/GM said, "but there is no one to lay it on but Mojo D. I'm leaving points on the bench, and the guys aren't playing to win. But we have Mojo Jojo back in the fold and a couple of couches at the Jojo-A-Go-Go, so I think the boys will loosen up a but and start having fun again -- nothing but success could follow that."

Mojo D also ranted for a good bit about the Cambridge Animals and Dave the Animal, saying "the Animals scare me -- Dave and his happy little band of merry cranksters could run the table."

IS MCMIZZLE A CERTIFIED GENIUS?

2009-10-09T09:28:00.012-05:00

The Methlon reporter who challenged Jizzle McMizzle's credentials as a coaching
genius can be seen in the above photo wearing a rasta crown and sunglasses .

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Things turned a little ugly Wednesday when a representative from Methlon's NFFA Preview disrupted East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle's weekly media zoo.

Midway through the press conference at McMizzle's eponymous nightclub, the Methlon reporter interrupted the coach, yelling, "Are you a certified coaching genius?"

Caught off guard by the question, the Black Dogs coach said," Am I a what?"

"Are you a certified coaching genius? One of your players, Terrence McGee, made a remark a few days ago about you being a real football genius, unlike some coaches who just call themselves geniuses," said the reporter, who was wearing dark sunglasses and a rasta crown over what appeared to be a large Afro.

"McGee was clearly referring to [Cambridge Animals owner] Dave the Animal," the unidentified reporter continued in a loud voice. "Dave the Animal is a certified genius — certified by M.I.T. I've seen the certificate. Are you a certified genius, Coach McMizzle? I think not. I know Dave the Animal, and you, sir, are no Dave the Animal."

"Well, first of all, I never said I was a genius, or that I was Dave the Animal," McMizzle said, regaining his composure. "But I buy it that the Animal is a genius, and that's why I am worried about our trip to Cambridge this weekend. By the way, who are you and what media are you with? I don't think I've ever seen you before."

"Daniel Davis with Methlon's NFFA Preview," the reporter muttered.

"Methlon's Preview, huh, I don't think I've ever seen it," McMizzle said. "When did it come out?"

"Well, it hasn't," he said. "We had some production delays, so now it will be a mid-season preview."

"Now there's a new genre of magazines for you — the mid-season preview," McMizzle quipped. Then he added, "Good luck with that, I think you'll need it," which drew a few laughs from the other reporters.

With that, the coach headed for the bar where a Morning Glory margarita awaited him, which signaled the end of the press event. As was his custom, McMizzle left the gathered media with a parting remark in Latin: "Oriens dominor bestia."

One final note regarding the Animal's certification as a genius by M.I.T.: The AWP has learned the accrediting institution was not the Massachusetts Institute of Technology, but rather the lesser-known Methamphetamine Institute of Technology.

CHAMPAGNE FOR BREAKFAST 2008 champs toast defeat of last unbeaten team

2009-10-06T10:04:00.008-05:00

Frank Gore outside the Shoney's in East Nashville.

By R.E. Porter
Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Running back Frank Gore may have been too injured to suit up for the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs last weekend, but he was well enough to travel to East Nashville and drink champagne for breakfast with Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan earlier today.

Gore, along with 15 other members of the 2008 Black Dogs team which went 16-0 including Chris Johnson, Brian Urlacher, Ted Ginn Jr., and Matt Shaub, joined Ryan at his weekly press breakfast to toast the loss suffered by the NFFA's last unbeaten team, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas. The 'Bubbas' loss to the Sea Hogs means the 2008 Dogs will remain the only undefeated team in league history — at least for one more season.

"I don't care what [Sea Hogs owner Tirik] Obobber thinks about it, I had to be here," Gore said, in between sips of Dom Perignon. "We went 16-and-0, mother[expletive]. Do you understand what I am saying? 16-and-[expletive]-0. That's why I will always be a Black Dog at heart.

"But that is meant as no offense to Dr. Linardo, who embraced me like a son during my two seasons as a member of the Beelzebubbas," he quickly added.

A number of current members of the East Nashville team who were part of the 2008 squad also attended the weekly breakfast at the Shoney's near the Dog House, including Tony Romo, Patrick Willis, Greg Jennings, Jared Allen, Terrence McGee, Maurice Jones-Drew, and injured cornerbacks Leodis McKelvin and Josh Wilson.

"Well, [Black Dogs coach] Jizzle [McMizzle] thought we should do it, and it sounded like a [expletive] good idea to me," Ryan explained. "I like getting [expletive] blotto at breakfast."

"It just seemed like the right thing to do," McMizzle added. "After all, these guys made history."

But several of the 2008 Dogs gave the credit to McMizzle. "Jizzle showed us the way to the promised land," said McGee, who has been a member of the Black Dogs since 2005, McMizzle's first season as head coach. "A lot of people in the NFFA call themselves geniuses, but Jizzle actually is one."

In other Black Dogs news, Ryan announced that he and McMizzle will wear pink for the entire season, not just the month of October. "That was another of Jizzle's ideas," he said. "According to him, pink is the new black."

MONEY WALKS Commish resigns over flap with Obobber

2009-10-02T18:01:00.010-05:00

NFFA Commissioner William D. Money resigned this afternoon. AWP FILE PHOTO

NASHVEGAS — NFFA commissioner William D. Money resigned late this afternoon over what a source inside the league office described as "a scoring issue" with Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs owner Tirik Obobber.

According to the source, Money's resignation will take effect on October 31 to allow time for the owners to elect a new commissioner.

More from the Associated Web Press on this breaking story as it develops.

— AWP staff report

SHARIF ADDRESSES GENERAL ASSEMBLY Reclusive Owner Hails Baker Nation as ‘New World Power’

2009-09-29T13:26:00.007-05:00

QCurl Sharif called for a "world party" at the UN last week.

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya,
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

NEW YORK — Following long-winded speeches by Libya’s Muammar Qaddafi and Iran’s Mohammad Ahmedinejad, 12th Avenue Bakers owner QCurl Sharif made history last Thursday as the first NFFA owner to address the United Nations General Assembly in New York.

“We speak for all the downtrodden who are tired of being treated as Third World entities,” said Sharif, who sported a black T-shirt inscribed “Shiva Is My Co-Pilot” under his black blazer. “A new world football power has risen in the Baker Nation, and we demand our rightful place at this council.”

Many of the delegates who had walked out earlier during the speech of the Iranian leader returned to the great hall when they heard cheers erupting for Sharif, who announced it was “time for a world party,” said that attempts to eradicate production of coca leaves were part of a conspiracy by the Trilateral Commission, and declared that he and TV host Glenn Beck were “gonna make it snow all up in here.”

Sharif’s address apparently had been arranged by President Barack Obama, who presided over the General Assembly on Thursday. White House spokespersons said they knew nothing in advance of the speech, but Bakers PR maven Faith Popcorn explained that the address had been arranged by Obama when he and his wife attended the Bakers’ draft party in Nashville on August 31. “It’s not surprising that the president doesn’t remember what went on that night,” Popcorn added, declining to elaborate further, “but I can promise you it happened. Let’s just say he hasn’t quite given up smoking.”

After his address, Sharif was unavailable for comment but was seen leaving with Amy Winehouse and Qaddafi, and overheard saying, “Let’s hit your party tent.”

CHAMPS REELING AFTER ‘LOST WEEKEND’ Sea Hogs, West and Fans’ Animals Take Bite Out of Black Dogs

2009-09-29T12:07:00.006-05:00

Kanye West arriving at the Dog House to sing the national
anthem. Could that be QCurl on the phone?

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya
Fantasy Sports News

(Editor's note: The publication of this story was delayed because of a cyber attack launched against FSN on Sept. 24.)

EAST NASTY — It was a dark and stormy weekend in East Nashville. And no one had forecast that events would conspire to rain on the parade of the defending NFFA champion Black Dogs.

The Black Dogs’ home opener was to be a time for marking the team’s unprecedented 16-0 season, with the traditional “running of the black dogs,” the awarding of championship rings, and the presentation of the NFFA Championship Trophy (the Money Cup) by league Commissioner Bill Money.

It would be a gross understatement to say things didn’t go as planned. First, the Black Dogs received their first loss in 18 games — and their worst loss in three years — at the hands of their hated rivals, the Fidalgo Island Sea Hogs.

Then, during the trophy presentation at halftime, singer Kanye West, who had performed the national anthem before the game, rushed onto the field, took a microphone from Commissioner Money and shouted, “This trophy rightfully belongs to the greatest team ever, the 12th Avenue Bakers!” A befuddled GM Buddy Ryan, who was to accept the trophy, was left speechless.

As the contest ended, Sea Hogs fans attempted to cross the roped-off section within Black Dogs Stadium where they had been confined in hopes of avoiding the attacks by black dogs at last year’s game that sent over 100 visitors to local hospitals. This time, numerous Sea Hogs fans received strong electrical shocks from an invisible fencing system that East Nashville team officials said had been erected to keep dogs out of the area. The officials claimed to be unaware that the tickets allotted to Fidalgo Island fans had been coded to receive a jolt if the ticket holders attempted to cross the fence line. “We are looking into the possibility of sabotage by a fellow NFFA team,” said one official on the condition of anonymity. Fifteen Sea Hogs fans were treated for injuries at the stadium’s first aid station.

As a final insult, Ryan was set upon by a pack of black dogs let loose by irate East Nashville fans who waited for the general manager to attempt to reach his car after the game. “Buddy ran his mouth all week and made our team look sick,” said one fan, “so we sicced our dogs on his ass.” Ryan’s clothes were ripped, and he received one gash deep enough to require stitches but sustained no serious injuries.

After winning the division four years in a row, the Black Dogs entered week three in the uncharacteristic position of last place in the Jorgé division, behind the 2-0 Bakers, Beelzebubbas and Animals. “We’ll be back,” vowed Ryan at his weekly media breakfast at Shoney’s.

“The Greeks had a word for this — chutzpah,” observed Mojo D, who spoke briefly with this reporter as he entered the Jojo-a-Go-Go to attend a charity event. “You could see it coming.”

Mojo D Speaks Out on Week 3

2009-09-27T08:53:00.004-05:00

Mojo D courtesy of Rosetta Stone, Midtown Mojo Minister of Propaganda

Mojo D Talks About Week 3

By Soren Bernyn, FSN

In a shift from his previous modus operandi of rambling inanity during press conferences, Midtown Mojo owner/GM/coach Mojo D has taken to issuing a "media availability." You can listen to the "entire" 3:30 recording below -- in it, he addresses the Mojo's lackluster performance because of "piss-poor coaching" in week 2, and looks at this week's NFFA slate, including the inaugural game at the Mojo's Fat Tire Stadium. I toured the facility this week -- despite numerous construction delays and allegations of city-hall payoffs, it is a world-class stadium. The first ever, wind-powered ("we're off the grid, bitch!" were the only words Mojo D spoke on the tour), all-skybox venue in the NFFA.

THE STREAK IS OVER !!!

2009-09-23T00:23:00.011-05:00

Streaking Sea Hogs fans celebrate victory over the Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak.

The Streak Is Over!!!

By Bill O'Really, FAUX NEWS

FIDALGO ISLAND -- "The Streak is over!!!" This is what Sea Hogs fans are shouting as they approach Sea Hogs' SPRINT Stadium after running naked through the streets of beautiful Fidalgo Island to celebrate their stunning defeat of the top-ranked East Nashville Black Dogs and the end of the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak. As soon as the game ended, FISH fans left their TV sets, shed their clothes, ran from their homes, and sprinted to the Sea Hogs' home field in a spontaneous show of joyous emotion to support their team and its accomplishment.

The Sea Hogs trounced the Black Dogs this weekend 197 to 110 in a road win that will go down in history as one of the greatest upsets of all time.

It was a commanding performance by the Sea Hogs on both sides of the ball. The Sea Hogs' offense scored more points than any other NFFA team this season and its defense held East Nasty to what will probably be its lowest point total of the year.

The Sea Hogs were lead by QB Peyton Manning, who scored 42 points, and by RBs Frank Gore and Darren Sproles, who scored 35 and 32 points respectively. Many believe that Gore's outstanding performance was motivated by revenge due to the fact that the Black Dogs' GM Buddy Ryan did not renew Gore's contract at the end of last season, allowing the Sea Hogs' owner Tirik Obobber to pick him up. Gore denied any such motivation, stating, "We're just good, dude!" He then added, "Hey Buddy, welcome to the L bracket."

But the highlight for the Fidalgo Islanders was the termination of "The Streak," the Black Dogs 17-game winning streak which began after the West Nashville Beelzebubbas defeated the Black Dogs in the NFFA playoffs two seasons ago. The Black Dogs went undefeated last season and won the NFFA Championship for 2008. The Sea Hogs' victory this weekend also put an end to the Black Dogs' 22 consecutive regular season victories.

It's now back to the drawing board for the Black Dogs, who are 1 - 1 for the season and have a one-game losing streak. The Sea Hogs are also 1 - 1, but have a one-game winning streak.

It should be noted that after reaching the stadium and celebrating their victory, the Sea Hogs fans were greeted with news that Leader, the chief mascot of the Black Dogs, had lost the use of his back legs. The fans huddled in a circle and prayed for Leader and his speedy recovery.

COMMISH SHOOTS DOWN DOGS' PLANS FOR SEA HOGS' FANS

2009-09-17T09:35:00.017-05:00

As a favor to coach Jizzle McMizzle, Carmen Electra posed for the above flyer to be distributed at this week's Black Dogs-Sea Hogs contest in East Nashville.

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — At his weekly media circus yesterday, East Nashville coach Jizzle McMizzle announced that the team had received word that NFFA Commissioner William D. Money will not allow them to cordon off the Fidalgo Island fans in a corner of the stadium parking lot.

Black Dogs GM Buddy Ryan had announced the plan on Tuesday at his press breakfast, insisting it was for the protection of the Sea Hogs fans. On the opening weekend of the 2008 season, during El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros, or The Running of the Black Dogs, 100 Sea Hogs fans were brutally attacked and bitten when 40 or 50 of the more than 500 black dogs ascended into their section of the stadium.

McMizzle said the new plan was to put a 20-foot-high, chain-link fence around the Sea Hogs section. "We have to protect our friends from Fidalgo Island, but the black dogs gotta run," he said. He also said he didn't know if the commissioner had approved the new plan or not, that he was just repeating what "Buddy told me."

McMizzle also announced that 50,000 flyers featuring Carmen Electra in the famous Coppertone ad pose (above) will be distributed prior to the game to remind Black Dogs fans to not let their dogs bite the Sea Hogs fans.

Yesterday was the first time McMizzle's weekly media zoo had been held at his newly opened nightclub, Jizzle McMizzle's, which is the event's new location for 2009. The coach with the league's highest winning percentage since taking the reigns of the East Nashville franchise in 2005 spent most of the time praising the 12th Avenue Bakers — and expressing his fear of them.

"Don't get me wrong, the entire Jorge division worries me, but the Bakers scare me," he said. "You know, President Obama, picked the NCAA basketball champion, and now that he's picking the Bakes — I don't know, it just seems like the stars are aligning for QCurl this season. A new star is rising in South Nashvegas, and I fear it may be a case of sic transit gloria canes niger."

McMizzle waved off questions about the Black Dogs' 70-point stomping of the Atlanta Smack Daddies on opening weekend, and the team's two current winning streaks —wins in 17 straight games, and 22 consecutive regular-season wins.

"I'm not here to talk about the past," he said. "Nor am I here to talk about the future."

When a female reporter from The Tennessean asked what he meant by that, he said, "I meant, 'Get me another margarita, bi-yotch.' Don't you work here?" When she said she didn't, he said "never mind, then," and walked over to the bar to order the drink himself, signaling the end of the event.

BLACK DOGS GM: BAN L DIVISION FROM PLAYOFFS

2009-09-16T12:52:00.009-05:00

Buddy Ryan has coffee with a Black Dogs fan at Shoney's yesterday morning.

By R.E. Porter, Associated Web Press

EAST NASTY — Crazy talk coming from Buddy Ryan is nothing new. But that said, none of the gathered media were ready for what the East Nashville GM proposed at his inaugural press breakfast yesterday morning at the Shoney's near the stadium.

"If no teams from the Linardo division win this weekend, then I think only Jorge division teams should be allowed in the postseason playoffs," Ryan said, between bites of sausage links. "I have formally proposed this to Commissioner [William D.] Money."

Ryan pointed out that not a single team from the Linardo division had a winning record last year, "and they are keeping their streak going this season with a perfect 0-4 start." He added, "You can't spell loser without an L," then cackled loudly.

When asked if he thought his proposed rule change would get enough support to pass, Ryan replied, "Well, I figure everyone in our division will vote for it — why wouldn't they? And you figure one of the Loser division teams — probably the No-Jos — will stab their division rivals in the back and vote for it, too."

Reached at league headquarters afterwards, Money declined to comment, but said he had received Ryan's proposal and intended to review its merits.

Ryan made a few other announcements during the one-hour press breakfast, including:

• The team will wear a number nine decal on their helmets this season in honor of one-time Black Dogs quarterback Steve McNair.

• There will be a ceremony commemorating the Black Dog's perfect 16-0, 2008 championship season before this weekend's game against visiting Fidalgo Island with a special presentation by the commissioner.

The Black Dogs' chief was reminded that it was just over a year ago that Sea Hogs fans were mauled by black dogs allowed on the field during halftime of the game, and was asked if the black dogs would be allowed in the stadium this weekend.

"We are continuing our longstanding, opening-day tradition, El Ejecutarse de los Perros Negros or The Running of the Black Dogs," Ryan said. "But we are taking extra precautions to guarantee the safety of our guests from out West.

"To make sure none of the black dogs in the stadium attack the Sea Hogs fans, we've decided to not allow any Sea Hogs fans into the Dog House. Instead, they will be able to view the game on theater-size screens from the comfort of an enclosed compound set up on the Southern edge of the parking lot."

OBAMA PICKS BAKERS TO TAKE IT ALL

2009-09-02T16:34:00.002-05:00

President Obama spent draft night with Snoop.

Chief Exec Likes Cut Of Bakers' Jib

By Faith Popcorn, Bakers PR

NASHVILLE -- It's official. President Barack Obama likes the Bakers' chances in 2009. The commander-in-chief spent Monday's draft night in the war room with head coach Snoop Dogg and owner QCurl Sharif — a notable donor to the Obama campaign. And, he may have had a hand in a few of the Baker picks.

"He had already told us he was high on Ricky Williams," Sharif said Wednesday from the Cherry Bomb Cafe. "And he really seemed to get nervous as the rounds went by and we hadn't brought him back. Obama felt Ricky had been an important cog in a couple of Treehouse productions, and had chipped in on the field as well.

"After the draft was over, and Michelle and Amy dropped in, he said he thought we were the team to beat this year -- though he acknowledged what the Black Dogs had done last season. Then Snoop dropped the sack and it got wet in there."

The Bakers are coming off their first playoff season ever, and are riding a wave of enthusiasm that has been evident in season-ticket sales. Also, Sharif stated that they were expecting an overflow crowd at Steve McNair's much-delayed memorial celebration to take place at the Cherry Bomb September 11.

"Obama implied that he might make it back down for that," Sharif said. "He said he missed his post-election party at the Treehouse and thought this one might even top that. He even indicated that he has a commemorative drink idea for the season — Country Madness No.9"

Ironically, it was a party at the Cherry Bomb three years ago celebrating the goddess Artemis, in which McNair suffered a serious sternum injury when the roof of the club collapsed and he fell two stories onto the main bar.

BUBBAS ANNOUNCE SPONSORSHIP, COACHING MOVES

2009-01-07T09:11:00.004-06:00

West Nashville marketing director Chuck Barris shows off
the team's new sponsors for the gathered media.

BUBBAS ANNOUNCE SPONSORSHIP,
COACHING MOVES
Pioneering arrangement, says Barris; Biggs copycats Bakers

By Ariel Mutha-Tafoya, Fantasy Sports News

In a move that experts said could revolutionize the marketing of sports stadium naming rights, the West Nashville Beelzebubbas have announced a unique partnership with two very different companies that happen to have a famous name in common.

Under new agreements with the Samuel Colt Manufacturing Company and Colt 45 Malt Liquor, the Bubbas’ home, Hell Stadium, will be rechristened “Colt 45 Field at Colt 45 Stadium.”

The agreement was announced at a press conference Tuesday. “It is a pioneering arrangement,” said the team’s marketing director, Chuck Barris, “but it is also a natural. Colt 45 malt liquor was already the unofficial official beverage of many of our fans north of Charlotte Avenue, and the legendary Colt 45 has always been Dr. Linardo’s favorite pistol in the non-automatic category.”

Barris said that, under the agreements, Colt 45 malt liquor would be served exclusively in Abu Ghraib Lounge, located on the 11th sublevel at Club Gitmo, and that Beelzebubbas coach Boyd X. Biggs would drink only Colt 45 at his weekly press conferences. In addition, the team announced a special promotion by which West Nashville residents could redeem any Glock or Barretta firearm, or any five black dogs, and receive a Colt 45 pistol, subject to legal registration under the Brady Bill. Barris declined to specify what would happen to the black dogs, saying that some details remained to be worked out.

In a separate move, the team announced that rapper L’il Wayne is the Bubbas new receivers coach, while longtime special teams coach Rod “He Hate Me” Smart has been promoted to offensive coordinator. Neither Wayne nor Biggs was on hand at the press conference to field questions. However, one team official, speaking on condition of anonymity, said that the hiring of L’il Wayne was “an intentional copycatting” of the strategy of the 12th Avenue Bakers. “Look what Snoop did for that franchise,” the official said. “Wayne is gonna kick Andre Johnson’s ass next year and get us a ring.”